Adrien Brody

My dumbass was way too hypnotized by Anna Paquin's black licorice dress that I completely missed these pictures of the distinguished afghan hound Adrien Brody at the Tom Ford party with his girlfriend Lara Lieto. Lara Lieto's the chick who was caught clit fucking Adrien Brody in the butt on a yacht. Lara Lieto really did win the life lottery. One day she's taking Adrien Brody from the back on a luxurious yacht and the next day she's escorting him to the finest (not really) pre-Oscar parties! I don't think Lara is wearing lipstick and that make-up looks like it's been sitting on her face for 10 days straight, but I can't blame her. You too wouldn't repaint your face if you were busy dry bumping your crotch into Adrien Brody's popped out butt. Adrien doesn't always wear a fancy scarf around his neck for fashion purposes. Adrien wears it, because when he turns it around, Lara can grab onto it and use it as a rein when she rides him from the back. Giddyup!

The other day, my friend and I were talking to each other on IM and he asked me to name all the dudes I'd sell my family on the black market for. After I told him my list included Adrien Brody, Gonzo from Shahs of Sunset and Colin Kaepernick, he pretty much let me know that I'm a kinky nose fucker who probably farts out boogers. He does have a point. It would explain why I've been known to Google the question, "Is it safe to use a plastic gag nose as a dildo?"

Here's more of Adrien Brody looking like Doug with a wig on at the Tom Ford party last night.

These are the greatest pictures I've ever seen of an Afghan Hound getting groomed on a boat.


Adrien Brody (aka the only hot piece whose hung nose I'd sit and spin on) and his girlfriend Lara Lieto are on a yacht in the South of France somewhere and when you're on a fancy boat with a humanized Afghan Hound, you do whatever it takes to make sure he's squeaky clean at all times. You dip your hands into his swim chonies and knock the dingles dangling all of his luscious ass hairs. While you're down there, you pinch at his no-no lips a little bit to really make him drop, pucker and pop. Then you move your hand to his front and knock away all the crabs in his bush before making sure that he's completely cheese-free down there. This IS love.

The only thing I ask of Lara, is that the next time she takes Adrien from behind and does the "boning that ass with my clit" pose, can she please wear this t-shirt over her bikini? It would make my life a whole lot easier if I only had to Photoshop my head over her instead of my head AND torso. Thanks, bitch.

Supposedly, Courtney Love's financial situation is about as messy as the back of Tommy Girl's silk chonies when Beck's name comes up on his caller ID, so how did she queef up thousands of dollars at the Peace and Justice auction in NYC on Friday night?! Page Six says that not only did Court buy a walk-on role in Paul Haggis' next movie, but she also put down $17,000 to have tea with the lusciously gorgeous afghan hound known as Adrien Brody.

Did Courtney pay for that shit using dozens of prepaid credit cards she came across during her crawls through the gutter? Or did she sell one of her organs to a group of scientists who want to know how she's lived so long on a diet consisting only of nicotine particles, under nail dirt, (insert the name of every and any narcotic) and the dust bunnies that fly off her keyboard when she busts out a Twatter rant. Can't say I blame her, because I'd Aron Ralston one of my arms to watch Adrien Brody dip his tea bags.

Apparently, so will Gerard Butler. One of Page Six's sources say that he and Court got into a major bidding war over a tea date with Adrien.

Adrien is probably going to wish that The Butler won that battle when Courtney asks him to feed her a piece of his dickscotti. And for $17,000, the crazy bitch has every right to ask!

Wearing black gloves strictly for fashion purposes is usually only okay for if you're going to pull them off finger tip by finger tip while singing a torch song in a gigantic martini glass or if you're a K-pop star, but Adrien Brody gets a pass.

It's blatantly obvious that Adrien wore a pair of black gloves to the opening of Rimowa's flagship store in Germany last night to show his support for The Rent Is 2 Damn High Party. But I guess Adrien's rent isn't that damn high since he can afford leather.

Adrien Brody and January Jones were at the same Memorial Day party in Malibu yesterday, and now some are saying that she's sucking on his hung nose on the down low. You know, because if two famous whores go to the same party, that automatically means they are fucking each other over the toilet in the bathroom.

And while I do agree that everybody should be focusing on solving the mystery of Adrien and January's relationship, I think that before we do that we need to put our magnifying glasses over this picture. This is where the real story is:

Why are they both wearing a Jerry Garcia uniform? Why is that boy sitting on the floor in the doorway? Why is that person behind him holding a rolled up paper like my abuelita getting ready to attack? Why did a moth nibble at that lady's brows? Why is she wearing frosted Playboy pink lipstick bought at the Dollar Tree? These are the real questions!

Note to Billy Goat Brad Pitt: If you ever have dinner at Adrien Brody's house, make sure to be on your best gentlemanly behavior or you'll be sent to Sonoma, CA forever. You've been warned.

Adrien Brody tried to buy two lady goats for his New York farm, but instead he was sold two dude goats. Not just any dude goats, one of his goats had a giant peen that could cause horns to splinter. And the big dicked goat really wanted to put his shit to use, which made Adrien scream for his mommy.

Adrien explains, "The more well-endowed goat took a liking to the other one and I swear it was traumatic. There was a lot of crying and goat noises and I felt incredibly guilty and I didn't know what to do. I had homosexual goats. It's best when you have goats that are that gay to just let them free... because I felt that they were in captivity and the one was receiving a lot of aggression on the other one's behalf... so I sent them off to Sonoma."

Sodomy in Sonoma! Now we really know why George Clooney won't stop staring at goats.

You know, I don't want to remember Adrien Brody for his perfectly sculpted Afghan Hound face, his erect penis nose or his impeccable fashion sense. I want to remember Adrien Brody for his fear of gay goats with big dicks.

And Nicolas Cage wants you all to know that he will never ever eat those goats.

via Toronto Sun

When Adrien Brody steps out dressed like a third-tier Staten Island pimp/black market amphibian vendor circa 1982, I make a million excuses for him. But I'm throwing up my hands at this. This I cannot defend.

At the VIP Room in Cannes last night, Adrien and Wonky McValtrex got a little too close for his genitals' comfort. When they laughed, his dick cried. When they whispered in each other's ears, his nutsack whispered to God to please put it out of its misery.

The sad truth is, even though the inside of Adrien's peen hole now looks like a tank at Red Lobster, I still would. Sigh. I'd put on a bib, dip his dick into a cup of drawn butter and handle that shit.

Adrien Brody dresses like a recently divorced 50-year-old dentist from New Jersey who buys everything in the International Male catalog because he thinks that's what will make all the young ladies at the club purr, so the dorky black hanky around his neck is just for fashion. But if Adrien stumbled into a bar where the dicks are stiffer than the drinks, what would that black hanky say about him?

According to the Hanky Code, a black hanky worn on the left means you're an S&M top. Worn on the right means you're an S&M bottom. And usually, when you wear it around your neck it means your nipples will perk up if you whip a bitch or if you get whipped. That explains why Gerard Butler's kinky freaky ass is sitting next to him. Hopefully, Adrien called 911 when Gerry brought the nipple clamps out during half-time.

If Tommy Girl starred in a re-worked version of Castaway, it would look something like this clip from tonight's Man vs. Wild.

Bear Grylls demonstrates what you should do if you ever find yourself dehydrating to death on a tiny raft in the middle of the ocean. You know, I'm all for gargling fetid (Google is our fweeeend) water with my ass to keep from dying a slow death, but where is this tube supposed to come from? Bear didn't say anything about catching a whale with my bare hands and then ripping out its veins with my teeth to use as a tube. Note to self: Always have a tube in your ass.

And I'd like to think that the cameraman slowly sipped on an iced coffee while filming Bear rinsing out his colon.

via WOW Report

That's it. I'm moving to Idaho and immediately enrolling at BJU BSU. Only they have a major that can I fully throw myself into, onto, etc... etc...

I mean, I've always wanted to know if jizz loads like to be cleaned up with a paper towel, used chonies, a hand, my hair or a wet vac. I also want to know why they are sometimes tardy for the party. Are they not getting my Evites?

Well, now I can find out the answers to these mysteries thanks to BSU! Just call me The Future Cum Whisperer!

via Deadspin