Dumb Bitch of the Day

A couple of hilarious voicemails (above) from a mega-douche named Dimitri are currently making the internet rounds. It all started when d-bag Dimitri met the "elegant" Olga outside of a bar in San Francisco. Elegant Olga made the mistake of giving him her business card. Dimitri called Elegant Olga several times and delivered such memorable quotes as:

"You're an extremely elegant woman. I couldn't take my eyes off you, and your friends were very jealous, even if they say they weren't..."

"I'm Greek and I'm extremely particular about what I like. So I'm giving you an opportunity here. "

"But nobody says "Call me," hands a person a business card and then doesn't return calls. It's extremely passive aggressive. You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder."

Jezebel has the complete transcript of Dmitri's douchetastic voicemails to Elegant Olga. I'm shocked as to why Olga never called Dimitri back. I mean, he called her "elegant" several times! Any dude that calls me "elegant" is definitely the one.

Dimitri totally borrowed his mommy's cell phone to leave Elegant Olga messages during his lunch break from his 8-hour shift at Quizno's.

Thanks Melanie

California gays should put on a body condom and give Tila Tequila a big hug as a thank you for helping the gay movement. The bi-for-pay reality star of MTV's "A Shot at Love" told UsWeekly that she thinks her show had something to do with the ban being lifted on gay marriage in California.

Tila said, "It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal."

Somebody give this bitch a reality check in the form a wet slap to the face. The show is only helping the WHORE movement which I'm a part of, but bitch needs to get real. Tila had nothing to do with the CA gay marriage thing, but something tells me she had a lot do with the recent study that revealed 26% of New Yorkers have herpes. I mean, she has been to New York before!

Here's this delusional bitch at "The Love Guru" premiere in Hollywood last night.

Katherine Heigl just can't help herself. She'll take any opportunity to be a grade a bitch. Heeeeiiiigl (sounds like phlegm) has decided not to submit herself as a possible nominee for the Emmys. Heigl won the supporting actress award last year for her fugly work on "Grey's Anatomy." I'm still asking for a recount.

The L.A. Times asked Heigl's annoying ass why she didn't submit this year, she answered, "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention. In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials."

Classic Heigl. Basically she's saying, "I'm golden and my caca doesn't reek, but the writers suck!"

This cunt from cuntville really needs to be put on a cunt filter. And yes I wrote "cunt" three times. Now, four times. That's what she does to me! Bitch just needs to swallow her cigarette and allow her pr bitches to do the talking for her.

Thanks Momus

On June 3, the po po pulled over a woman at the Green Acres Mobile Home Park in Loveland, Ohio because they suspected she was driving drunk. They found 29-year-old Marya Green with her 1-year-old son on her lap. The drunk bitch was letting him steer the car. She had an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old in the car with her.

They were only taking a little spin around the trailer park! Marya was teaching him how to drive, so that he could pick her up from the titty bar later on. At least she has a designated driver!

Marya's blood alcohol level was at .111. Damn! How many cans of Hamm's beer did she have?

She faces charges of DUI, driving under a suspended license and child engagement. This is her third DUI arrest in 6 years. Her kids were released to their father and CPS were notified.

Last year, there was a similiar case in Indiana. In that case, the dumb bitch let her 5-year-old drive her around. She said he was a "good driver."

Source

Thanks Mat

John McCain is on Ellen Degeneres' show today (taped yesterday) and she brought up the subject of gay marriage. Dun dun dun! Ellen started by saying that she wanted to address " the elephant in the room." I was expecting Mike Huckabee to come out with glazed donuts. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

Johnny doesn't believe in gay marriage. Duh. Ellen used the opportunity to voice her opinion, "I think that it is looked at and some people are saying the same that blacks and women did not have the right to vote. Women just got the right to vote in 1920. Blacks didn't have the right to vote till 1870. It just feels like there's this old way of thinking (that) we are not all the same. We are all the same people. All of us. You're no different than I am. Our love is the same." Ellen is right. We are all the same people. Well, except for Paris Hilton. She's a dirty animal.

Ellen went on to say, " It sounds to me like saying well you can sit there (points in one direction), you just can't sit there (points in another direction). That's what it sounds like to me. It doesn't feel inclusive. It feels isolated. It feels like we aren't owed the same things and the same wording."

John responded, "I've heard you articulate that position in a very eloquent fashion. We just have a disagreement and I, along with many, many others wish you every happiness." Lies.

Ellen finished with a joke, "Thank you. So you'll walk me down the aisle? Is that what you said?"

McCain doesn't believe in gay marriage and I don't believe in him. We're even. And to think, I was going to invite his pasty ass to my upcoming Xanadu-themed California wedding. I really wanted to see him in velour chocha cutters and roller skates. He can stop checking the mail for his invitation! It ain't coming.

Visit Towleroad to see the video

In case you missed it, here's Mike "forever fat on the inside" Huckabee trying to be a comedian while speaking to the NRA yesterday. While Huckabee was giving his speech, there was a noise offstage. He quickly joked that Barack Obama fell off his chair. Everyone kind of laughed, so the dumb fuck decided he should continue the joke. He added, "Somebody aimed a gun at him and he dove for the floor." Nobody laughed.

That stupid fuck should really quit his job as America's Number 1 dickwad and take his comedy act on the road. The KKK Comedy tour!

Huckabee later apologized by saying, "During my speech at the NRA, a loud noise backstage that sounded like a chair falling distracted the crowd and interrupted my speech. I made an offhand remark that was in no way intended to offend or disparage Sen. Obama. I apologize that my comments were offensive. That was never my intention."

Basically, he's saying he's a dumb fuck and can't help it.

Nick Bollea aka Nick Hogan was sentenced to 8 months in county jail starting immediately. 17-year-old Nick pleaded "no contest" on charges of felony reckless driving. The charges stem from a car crash last August which left his passenger and friend, John Graziano, with serious brain injuries. Nick was racing another car at speeds up to 100mph when his car hit a palm tree. A few hours later, booze was found in his bloodstream.

John will most likely spend the rest of his life in a nursing home.

The judge also suspended his drivers license for 3 years. He was also given 5 years probation, 500 hours of community service and he cannot drink during his probation. He will have to complete a booze education program within the year.

The judge heard statements from the Graziano family as well as the Bollea family. Brooke's stupid ass got up there looking like a call girl on her lunch break, crying about how "this is why she hates being a celebrity." It's all about her!

Before being sentenced, Nick told the judge, "I'll never, ever be able to tell John 'sorry' enough times to make up for what happened on Aug. 26. I loved John to death. He was like my oldest brother and my best friend. I'm ready to take my punishment."

I hope he's ready to take big cock too, because that's what he's going to have to do in jail. If you ask me, this dumb whore got off easy.

Source

49-year-old Cornelia Turner was fulfilling her civic duty by taking part in jury duty in Houston, TX. Cornelia was one of the 20 prospective jurors in a marijuana possession trial. During jury selection, a 45-minute break was called. When the 45 minute break was up, Cornelia was the only one to not return to the courtroom.

The judge in the case was about to issue a bench warrant when he received a call that Cornelia was arrested right outside the criminal courthouse. Cornelia was arrested for smoking a joint. All that talk about weed probably gave her a major craving.

The judge told The Houston Chronicle, "I've had prospective jurors get lost before, but it never occurred to me that they might be getting ready for a marijuana trial by, allegedly, smoking marijuana."

So did she make the jury? You know the defense fought for her hot ass! This woman is seriously my new hero.

Thanks Jennifer

Earlier, it was reported that Mimi had went and did a dumb thing by marrying Nick Cannon. Sources have confirmed to The New York Post that she is indeed married. Mimi's rep still hasn't confirmed. This is like Beyonce's wedding all over again.

A source close to Mimi said she married without a pre-nup, because "there wasn't time." The bitch can kiss her 3,000 square foot closet goodbye, because this marriage is not going to last. Another source said they have only been dating for one month. "They have been smitten with each other for days, weeks. And she's always had a crush on him."

When you have a crush on someone, you fuck them! You don't marry them. Shit, you don't even kiss them. That's too complicated. You get on, get off and get out!

The wedding was supposedly held at Mimi's home in the Bahamas yesterday.

She better have worn the dress above or else! Seriously, Mimi must be majorly dickmatized.

20-year-old Broderick Lloyd Laswell is currently being held in the Benton County Jail on capital-murder charges. He filed a prisoner civil rights lawsuit in court yesterday claiming the jail is not providing their inmates with enough food.

Broderick said he's wasted away from 413 pounds to 308 pounds in 8 months.

In his complaint, Broderick writes, "On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out. About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again. If we are in a small pod all day do next to nothing for physical exercise we should not lose weight. The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally are being starved to death."

Broderick wants the portions to be larger. He thinks the biscuits and cakes are too small. He also wants hot meals.

The jail captain told The Morning News that they have only served cold meals for years. He said they provide an average of 3,000 calories per day.

Damn! 413 to 308 in 8 months?! Fuck Jenny Craig! Fuck Atkins! Fuck the Master Cleanse. It's all about the Benton County Jail diet!