Dumb Bitch of the Day
Holy cokey! Reverend Christopher Layden, a catholic priest, has been arrested and charged with selling coke from his church office and rectory. 33-year-old Chris was busted on Wednesday at St. John's Catholic Newman Center on the University of Illinois campus in Urbana. The cops were able to catch him thanks to a little help from an "informant." Jesus works in mysterious ways.
Cops confiscated three grams of coke during their search of his rectory. But did they search his rectum?
Fox News reports that Chris pleaded not guilty to "two counts of delivery of less than 1 gram of cocaine within 1,000 feet of a church and one count of possession with intent to deliver 1 to 15 grams of cocaine near a church." The charges are more severe because he committed the crime on church property. His bail was set at $50,000. The Catholic Diocese of Peoria has suspended him.
I wonder what Rev. Chris' confessionals were like? "Forgive me father for I have sinned.....and can I get half a gram?" Rev. Chris would respond, "Say twenty Hail Marys and
And do you think Rev. Chris blessed the coke? That's a selling point!
I thought I was the only dumb bitch who got the sudden urge to hit a ho with a vase while watching "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." It's good to know that I'm not alone.
46-year-old Naomi Masuda of Port St. Lucie, Florida was arrested after she attacked her boyfriend during an argument about Kim KardASSIAN's reality show.
Naomi's boyfriend was chilling out, watching his favorite reality show featuring the porn star with a fat ass, when Naomi freaked out and said he was “being disrespectful by watching the Kardashian show." She's right, he was disrespecting himself by watching that trash. And yes, I'm guilty of the same crime!
The two started arguing over his fascination with Kim and his fondness for porn. Naomi, being the crazy bitch that she is, then started throwing things at him, including a vase that hit him in the face and caused his nose to bleed. The dude also said Naomi damaged a bunch of his personal shit.
Cops described Naomi was being "highly intoxicated." She admitted to throwing a vase at him, but said it was an "accident." I love that shit. "Yes, I threw the vase at him. No, I didn't mean to. The vase just leaped out of my hands."
That excuse is almost as sad as the fact that Naomi got arrested because of Kim Kardashian's skanky ass! Oh Naomi. You and your gorgeous eyebrows deserve better.
Those are 5 words I love to hear in the evening. This shit right here sounds like the flimsy plot of a gay porn movie. It's not, but you can still make it extra sexy by taking off your pants, snuggling up to an 8-inch pork sausage and imagining the "bow chicka bow bow" song playing in the background.
21-year-old Antonio Vasquez was arrested in Fresno on Saturday morning for allegedly breaking into a home, stealing $900 and then beating one dude with a giant sausage and rubbing spices in the face of another. I told you this was going to be sexy.
It all started when Santiago Cabrera was sleeping on the porch of his home in Fresno, CA on Saturday morning. Santiago suddenly woke up to Antonio hitting him in the face with an 8-inch sausage. If only I had such problems.
While Santiago struggled to get up, Antonio kept hitting him in the face and head with his giant sausage.
After Antonio was finished beating Santiago with his juicy sausage, he ran inside the house and found Cesar Macias sleeping on a futon in the family room. Instead of attacking Cesar with his big sausage (I love writing that), Antonio threw Pappy's seasoning in his face! A load of hot spices to the face. This just gets better. Pappy's is made from "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades." I bet it is.
Before busting out of the house, Antonio took off his shorts, with his drivers license, credit cards and cell phone in its pockets. He ran into an orange orchard with only a t-shirt and boxers on. He looks like the type who will beat you with his big sausage and then run off into the morning. Typical
Antonio was quickly caught by the cops in a field. They recovered the money, but the pork sausage was nowhere to be seen. When the cops asked Antonio where it was, he answered, "a dog ate it."
Antonio is currently being held on $100,000 bail.
Okay, in addition to being the plot of a gay porno, this could also be a "Three Stooges" episode.
Seriously, Antonio shouldn't threaten me with a good time! If that was my ass, I'd beg Antonio not stop! I'd play a little game of "pin the sausage on the hiney." Wait. What kind of sausage are we talking about again?
Chad Johnson, wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, has legally changed his last name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco. Chad gave himself the nickname of "Ocho Cinco" two years ago in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month. 85 is also his number. Ocho Cinco means 8-5 in Spanish. Duh.
Not everyone is down with the name Ochoc Cinco. One time before a game, Chad put his nickname on the back of his uniform. The team's quarterback tore that shit down. Damn. What did Chat put it on with? Elmer's? The team's coach has also referred to Chad as “Ocho Psycho."
When asked about why he legally changed his name, Ocho said, “It’s something I don’t think anyone has ever done before. Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I’m having fun.”
I'm sure the numbers 8-5 mean a lot more to Ocho than we think. 8 is his IQ. 5-inches is the size of his dick fully erect. 85 is also the number of times he was dropped on his head as a child. See!
Although, I shouldn't hate on Ocho. Chad Ocho Cinco sounds much sexier than Chad Johnson. I should change my name to Michael Seis Nueve. It has a nice ring to it. Is the official name changing office open on Saturdays?
Police in Texas arrested 35-year-old Jennifer Lynn Rosenberg after they found out she made her 12-year-old daughter drive her to the bar. Too bad Jennifer doesn't live in Long Island. She would have succeeded White Oprah as their Mother of the Year.
The po-po pulled over a minivan for turning into a driveway without signaling. The minivan then bumped in a house. After they found out the driver was a 12-year-old girl, they asked her where her parents were. The girl admitted that she just dropped her mommy off at the bar.
Jennifer was immediately pulled away from her White Russian and arrested. She's still in jail on a $2,500 bond. Child Protective Services said they were "investigating" the matter. What's to investigate? The drunk bitch made her child drive her to the bar?! If that doesn't scream "don't pass go, don't collect your child," then I don't know what does.
This story reminded me of Holly Schnobrich who made news last year after she made her 5-year-old son drive her around because she was too cracked out on pills. When asked why she made him drive, she said, "He's a good driver."
An employee at a Burger King in Xenia, OH decided it would be really fucking hilarious to get naked and have a Calgon moment in one of the sinks while another employee filmed it. The douche employee who goes by the name of Mr. Unstable (that's probably his real name) even tells the ho filming it to go and get Karen, the manager on duty.
I am shocked at Karen! She looks like the type who balances her checkbook, goes to church every Sunday, doesn't swear and even puts on two pairs of panties "just in case." And she just nods her head when she learns about this fuckery!
The video somehow made its way onto MySpace yesterday and from there it spread all over the internet. It eventually landed on the eyes of the County Health Commissioner, Mark McDonnell. Needless to say, he didn't find it as hilarious as Mr. Unstable did. He immediately sent his staff to the BK to investigate. All the employees involved were fired, including Karen. How is she going to show her face in church on Sunday?!
Burger King said they properly sanitized the sink several times and threw out all utensils involved in the incident. That's still not enough for Crystal Dodge (HOTTEST NAME EVER), who regularly eats at that very BK. She said, "That's just disgusting. I wouldn't want to eat here after I heard something like that, that's just not appropriate for employment. This kind of stunt really is a black eye for the restaurant itself." I wouldn't call it a "black eye," Crystal Dodge. I'd call it a dirt star.
I also hate to break it to Crystal Dodge, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Unstable has probably done worse. You know he's pissed in the ketchup and whopped one in a Whooper or two.
This is exactly why you need to stay away from meth! It makes you wear a tarantula on her head, and bathe in places where no one should ever bathe.
That being said, I'd totally hit it in a Burger King sink. Clip below:
Some bitches will seriously fuck anything. This dude is one of them. A 41-year-old man was hanging out in Hong Kong's LanTian Park in the middle of the night when he got the urge to get sexy with a steel bench. I don't know why? That bench is tore up. It's used and abused. I could see if it was a sexy bench.
Anyway, the dude stuck his little peen into one of the bench's hole and started hitting it from the back. I hope he at least kissed the bench. Romanced it a little. As he started getting into that shit, his little peen started to grow, and well, it got stuck. Damn! That bench has a tight coochie for being such a dirty slut.
He started freaking out, so he used his cell to call the police. After the police arrived and probably shit themselves from laughing so hard, doctors showed up to try and get his dick out. They couldn't, so they cut the bench free and they all went back to the hospital for COCKtails. 4 hours later, the doctors were able to get his dick out. They said if it would have been stuck for an hour longer, they would've had to pull a Lorena Bobbitt on that shit.
I don't know what's more embarrassing. The fact that this dude did fuckey fuckey times with a bench, or the fact that his dick was able to fit in one of those little holes. Dude needs to call it a day. And that bench needs to stop being such a skank!
That's when Vitaly reached in his glove compartment, pulled out a gun, cocked it, aimed it at the other car and said, "Here's your Grey Poupon, roll your fucking windows up." Hmmm...maybe he's a French's type of dude?
When Vitaly drove off, the passenger in the other car got his license plate information and called the cops. Payback sucks. Vitaly was arrested and charged with felony aggravated assault.
Some douchebags can't take a stupid joke. Vitaly needs to lighten up and get fucked with a funny bone. If you told him a knock-knock joke, he'd probably shoot you in the face.
That being said, I'd hit it in a bathtub full of Grey Poupon.
File this under: Drink some coffee before you rob a joint!
Police in Seattle were called to a possible break-in at a Fred Meyer department store. When they arrived, they found a trail of pillows and other shit from the store's storage room to the place where the two dumbasses were sleeping. They were napping on the shit they stole! Police took pictures of them before placing them under arrest.
Before waking these idiots, the police should have taken out a Sharpie and scribbled "I suck at robbing" and "world's worst thieves" on their foreheads. They also should have frozen their panties and put their hands in a bowl of water to make them piss themselves.
Kyle Burress, 25, and Allen Pierce, 27, have been charged with second-degree burglary. The police say alcohol was involved. Yeah, so was stupidity and laziness.
This dick bag is more like Dumb Bitch of FOREVER. 33-year-old Daniel Everett of Michigan wore this t-shirt to a supposed sex meeting with what he thought was a 14-year-old girl. It wasn't a sex meeting. It was a sting! He was arrested and charged with being a total dumb piece of trash. He was also charged with child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse.
Why wasn't Chris Hansen there to "greet" him. Chris always has the best one-liners. He would've said, "Why, hello there? World's Greatest Dad, Eh? More like World's Worst Pedo."
He only wore this t-shirt because his "On the internet, I'm a 15-year-old girl" t-shirt was in the dirty laundry.
Thanks Midwest Trash