Dumb Bitch of the Day
If you haven't come across this story yet, just guess how old the ho holding the asthma inhaler is? If you guessed mid-40s, then tickle your nipple as a reward. After you're done with that, telekinetically send this bitch mind slaps to the face, because she's telling everyone she's 27! Her IMDB page lists her birthday as 1981. The Daily Mail got a hold of her birth records which state she's really 45.
"Comedienne" Barbie Orr (real name: Kristine Reinhard) is currently fucking on 69-year-old John Cleese while he's going through a filthy divorce from his wife of 16 years. Friends say he's all depressed and shit because he has to pay his ex £1million a year in alimony. One friend also added that John started doing sexy times with younger chicks as a "fuck you" to his ex-wife. His ex-wife is the one who is cackling since John thought he was tickling 27-year-old snatch. The friend went on to say that finding out his girlfriend is a fake ass bitch is the last thing he needs. The friend should also take John to get his eyeballs rotated and deep cleaned, because he actually believed this bitch is 27.
John should've realized he was dealing with a batshit crazy famewhoring bitch when she told a newspaper about his pepaw peen. This is what she said: "You know, they're normally saggy down there, but he really has a nice package. He takes a lot of vitamin supplements and eats really well and he works out. His arms are really muscular and he still has amazing legs. He's had his teeth all re-done and he recently got hair plugs to cover the bald patches at the front."
So why is Barbie lying about her age? Apparently, ever since she's been dating John Cleese, she's gotten a few roles in shit like Desperate (key word) Housewives and other shit. Barbie thinks that if she reveals her real age, her career will be flushed down the toilet for good. When the Daily Mail confronted her about the lie-telling, she said, "This will be career suicide for me if you print that. Please leave out my age - age is a huge thing to pass. It stays for ever. I am a quiet, cheerful, fun person. Print 35 if that makes them feel better. . . but not 45!"
Every whore in Hollywood lies their age, but this hobag got greedy and scratched off 18 fucking years! Who does she think she is? Catherine Zeta-Jones?
Barbie doesn't look bad for her age, but there's no way she can pass for 27. I mean, she could easily be Vadge's hand-double. Her lips say she's 27, but her hands say she's a crypt keeper.
If you care, the Daily Mail has more pictures of 27-year-old (in Kim Zolciak years) Barbie.
Someone close to Chelsy Davy should take her in to get a brain scan immediately, because something is not right up in there. She has quit Prince Hot Ginge. Beat me in the face with a boiled horse dick, because I am at a loss. The News of the World says Chelsy just could no longer "put up with his lifestyle" after 5 years together. This weak ass bitch. I could put up with a dozen Black Mambas biting at my ass if it meant I got to lick on Prince Hot Ginge's royal scepter and jewels. Homegirl really ain't right in the brain area.
A source said that Chelsy broke that shit off last week, "The couple had a lot of fun but the relationship has run its course. They are still on speaking terms but the relationship has ended."
Okay, I know that every time Hot Ginge opens his mouth, douchewater-covered shit nuggets come pouring out, but Chelsy just had to shut him up with her vagina. That's what I would do. Whenever he started to speak, I'd just shove my glazed donut hole in his mouth.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go submit my application video (shot in the bath tub, of course) for a spot in the British Army so I can get close to Hot Ginge. It's my duty as an American who loves ginger Brits. He needs comforting in his time of hurt and sorrow. And by "he" I mean his carrot peen.
33-year-old Shelley Price of England needs to bend over and give her nalgas a nice rub to prepare it for the giant "NASTY CUNT OF THE CENTURY" tattoo I'm about to give her. The reason? She ran off to the Daily Mail to tell them that she doesn't love 11-year-old daughter Catherine and she never has.
Okay, a baby has never popped out of my no-no (not that I know of anyway), but I'm sure that if one did and I didn't feel love for it, I wouldn't proclaim it to a damn newspaper. And I surely wouldn't pose with the poor unloved baby in said newspaper. Hasn't this evil witch heard of Post Secret? Yeah, but then she wouldn't get the attention she truly loves. Seriously, she doesn't love her daughter because she's too busy loving attention.
Anyway, let's hear what this bitch has to say for herself: "I know what people will think. Everyone will hate me. I'm the woman who doesn't like her own child. But I'm speaking out because I'm convinced I'm not alone. I hate myself for the way I feel, but whatever it is that makes a mum want to hug and kiss her child, I have not felt it. Catherine has always felt like someone else's daughter. When the midwives put Catherine into my arms, I felt nothing at all. She didn't feel like my own flesh and blood. She felt dirty."
At first, Shelley thought she just wasn't the motherly-type, so the genius decided to give it another go and gave birth to another daughter with a different dude two years ago. Shelley loves the new one, but still doesn't feel anything for Catherine. "I'm a loving person. It was a relief to feel emotional about Poppy (her second daughter) from the moment she was born."
After looking at Catherine in the picture above, it's clear that the feeling is mutual. She's got those "get your nasty hands off of me, you bitch" eyes. And is it just me or does Catherine looks like Dakota Fanning meets Village of the Damned? That dumb bitch Shelley better sleep with two eyes open from now on...
If you're going to sell your 16-year-old daughter for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat, collect before you hand her over! That's what 36-year-old Macelino de Jesus Martinez of Greenfield, CA failed to do when he sold off his daughter to an 18-year-old dude.
So what did Macelino do when the buyer refused to pay? He went to the police and told them the whole story. What the fuck! Take a class at the Learning Annex about the correct way to sell your child before you do it! The real Jesus isn't happy that his name is associated with this dumb dumb.
Police arrested Macelino for selling a human person. They also arrested the 18-year-old piece of trash who bought her. Even though police say the girl went willingly, she's under California's legal age of consent. The 18-year-old is being held on suspicion of statutory rape.
Apparently, arranged marriages involving underage chicks is a big problem in Greenfield.
Now, a 16-year-old girl sells for $16,000, 100 cases of beer (top shelf, I hope) and several cases of meat. This means I could probably sell for a chewed-up Slim Jim, a watered down glass of Buckhorn beer and 16,000 pinto beans. Oh, shit. Don't tell my dog this or off I fucking go.
Source: Mom Logic
How dare Megan Fox compare herself to Alan "I Make Pussies Pucker" Alda! That's what this dumb bitch did at the Golden Globes last night. Megan played the "I Is No Sexy" card when she told Giuliana DePandaPuss, "I am pretty sure I am a doppelgänger for Alan Alda. I'm a tranny. I'm a man. I'm so painfully insecure. I'm on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I'm scared."
Who would you rather see in a g-string bikini? If you answer the bitch on the right, then you don't know what sex is. Alan Alda wins every fucking time. Megan could never even come close to touching Alan's sexiness.
Even though Megan says she hates herself, she bragged about her 22" waist which she got from starving herself. She said she was kidding about the not eating thing, but you know she's not. The only thing she eats is delusion pills. And Megan also confirmed that her boyfriend Brian Austin Green needs to join the Tool Academy when she said he didn't want to be her date because he's "a man" with an ego. I would think I was the shit too if I was responsible for this. Please tell me the "music" Megan said he's working on is a follow-up to Be Be My Love.
I still can't get over her Alan Alda shit. ALAN FUCKING ALDA? The audacity! Clip below:
When you break up with a bitch. Sometimes they want a sweater they left at your house. Or maybe a dildo they left in your ass. Whatever. Well, this dumb bitch right here wants his kidney back. The kidney he gave to his wife in 2001 because she was suffering from renal failure. Some bitches...
Dr. Richard Batista, a vascular surgeon from Long Island, is suing his estranged wife Dawnell Batista (totally hot name) for his kidney back or $1.5 million for the price of his organ. Unfortunately for Dr. GeniusBrains it's pretty much impossible for her to give him back his kidney since it's fucking illegal. His lawyer said, "Of course he wouldn't really ask for that but the value of it."
Dr. DumbFuck and Dawnell were married in 1990. They have two kids together. He agreed to give her his kidney after two transplants quit on her. He claims that after the surgery worked, Dawnell (seriously, that's a hot name) began doing sex to her therapist. HA! Fucking another dude with your husband's kidney inside you. I love this heartless (but kidneyful) bitch!
Four years after the kidney transplant, Dawnell filed for divorce and asked for custody of their kids. That's what triggered Dr. MoronFace to ask for his organ back. He claims he hasn't seen much of his kids, because of her. He told reporters, "There's no deeper pain you can ever express than to be betrayed by the person you devoted your life to. I saved her life. But the pain is unbearable."
Yes, and the pain she will suffer from losing a kidney will be totally bearable. All she has to do is pop a Tylenol, put a warm compress on her back and walk it off.
If by some fucked up miracle he wins, the whole kidney or even half of it, I'm going to sue all my ex-boyfriends for their peens. That was the only good shit about them and I took care of their dicks more than they did. I washed them, sang to them, cuddled with them and kissed them goodnight and good morning. They belong to me.
P.S. - I totally want my wedding picture to look like Richard and Dawnell's. It completely fits the theme of my fantasy late-80s wedding......even though this was taken in 1990. Hey, they're from Long Island!
Every night before Wonky McValtrex goes to bed, a dozen dicks slap her to sleep. It's the only way she can get a good night's rest. Well, one of the dicks slapped her in the head a little too hard, because the dirty cooch is talking crazy.
In the new issue of Britain's Glamour Magazine (via SS), Wonky says, "I've only done it with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it's important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won't respect you; he'll want you much more if he can't have you."
Nobody wants the bag that will make your genitals foam at the hole and that's exactly what Wonky's bag will do. And what she really meant to say before the rude interviewer cut her off is, "A couple of people........in my snatch at one time." She's really modest, though. Wonky could fit at least a couple of NFL teams up in there without lube. EASY.
There's no way she could have meant "a couple of people." Whores who have to duct tape their vagina together haven't only fucked just "a couple of people."
In case you were sucking dick in the office bathroom and haven't read about this shit yet, the girl who claimed she was beat down by an Obama supporter admitted to lie-telling. 20-year-old Ashley Todd basically pulled the story out of her ass. She went to the police after she said a "black guy" robbed her shit at an ATM and then carved a "B" on her face, because he saw the McCain bumper sticker on her car. The "B" was for "Bitch, please!"
The cops says she is being charged with being a dumb bitch and making a false report.
Ok. If you're going to do this shit. Do it right! Get a fucking friend to carve the "B," so that it's not backwards! If you have to do it yourself, do an "O" instead! DAMN! Do I have to teach these nitwit whores everything? She could've called me up. I would've done it for her, but instead of carving her face with a "B," I would've written "Dumb Bitch" on her forehead with a Sharpie.
This ho needs to call it a day and take a fucking nap. Playtime is over!
Thanks to all you whores who sent this to me with the subject: THIS BITCH IS SO DUMB. That shit made me laugh.
Lindsey Evans' brains obviously didn't win her the title of Miss Teen Louisiana USA. She proved that Saturday after she skipped out on paying her $46 bill from Posados Cafe in Bossier City, La. If you're going to dine and ditch, don't leave your fucking purse at the table. The 18-year-old dingbat's purse was found by the restaurant manager. When they went through it, they found her drivers license and a beautiful bag of weed! You know where this is going.
When Little Miss Dumb Fuck and her friends pulled into the restaurant parking lot to get her weed and purse back, the cops were taking the report from the managers. They instantly recognized Lindsey from her drivers license picture and put her in cuffs.
One of the girls with Lindsey told The Post that they were going to pay their bill. Lindsey already put her cash down and the three were going to pay with debit cards. She went on to say, "The service was so slow, we just said, 'screw it' and left." And now they're screwed!
She was booked with theft and weed possession. The skanks at the Miss Louisiana Teen USA organization said they don't know what to do with her yet.
Well, she might lose her crown, but she's a fucking shoo-in for the title of Miss High Times 2009.
I give Lindsey an 8.5 for her mug shot. I like the pageant smile, but a beauty queen should always wear their crown when getting their picture taken. That would have given her a perfect 10.
While making coffee this morning, I accidentally poured the coffee where the water goes and vice versa. I even turned it fucking on. I felt like Jessica Simpson's brain twin. That's until I read this story. Thank you, Charlotte Feeney for being the dumbest bitch of the day!
Charlotte of Connecticut filed a lawsuit against L'Oreal claiming that her life was ruined when she accidentally dyed her blonde hair brunette with one of their products.
Dumb dumb Char accused the company of putting the brunette hair dye in a blonde box. She said that she can never get back to her natural blonde hair color and she's depressed in a major way because of that. She's on anti-depressants, hardly goes out, always wears hats and suffers from anxiety.
Guess what the judge did? He laughed so hard he passed a kidney stone through his ass. And then he threw out the lawsuit.
This is probably the longest blonde joke I ever read. And nobody tell her she can actually dye her hair back! It's best for all of us that she stays inside. I also can't wait until the judge reads her lawsuit against Burger King for putting cheese on her cheeseburger. Sorry. That was dumber than Charlotte. I'll be here all week!