Dumb Bitch of the Day

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After Jean Paul Gaultier's show in Paris yesterday, the designer asked Chris Brown who he was texting and well.... NO! The theme of Jean Paul's show was "warrior", so he decided to give himself a fake beat down face. And Chris also decided to pose right next to him with a giant smile on his face.

That being said, the most offensive thing in these pictures is the fact that Chris Brown is making me remember my dreadful raver days by wearing those fugly ass pants. And just when my brain was starting to produce endorphins again....

A man in Britain was just trying to share a beautiful intimate moment with his girlfriend when he got a little too excited by her sexual wiles and his dick got stuck in her orifice. Oh, and I should mention that his girlfriend was a fucking steel pipe. PAGING EDWARD SMITH! Here's your newest wingman to hit the used car dealerships with you.

The Sun reports that when a team of firefighters arrived, they all died from choking to death on their own laughs. But then a more serious crew came to the man's rescue, they brought a metal grinder out and began to cut the pipe off his peen. You would think that his peen would've went limp just from hearing the metal grinder's motor, but it didn't. A firefighter with a steady hand hand spent 30-minutes carefully cutting off the pipe. Fortunately for the pipefucker, the firefighter did not Lorena Bobbit him. His peen might have the sads for a few days from being publicly humiliated, but besides that it is doing fine.

A rep for Hampshire's Fire and Rescue Service said, "It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting. It's certainly an unusual call-out and I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again."

The man didn't say how he got his dick stuck in a pipe, but it's pretty obvious what happened. The dude was about to have sex with Parasite Hilton, and figured the best way to protect himself was to wrap his peen in steel. Stavros Niarchos has a permanently rusty dick from doing this so often.

Peaches Geldof, the socialtard daughter of Bob Geldof, was on her way to Disneyland in CA yesterday when the driver of the car she was riding in lost control and crashed that shit. Everyone in the car lived to Tweet the tale.

Actually, just a few minutes before the crash Peaches took to her Twitter to joke about how she felt like she was in Grand Theft Auto because she was speeding down the freeway with her IDGAF ("I Don't Give A Fuck") crew. The IDGAF crew is like the special needs version of Big Brother's Chilltown alliance.

That Peaches is such a hardcore bad ass motherfucker hipster. It's a shame that she has the name of an elderly Maltese who can't control its bowels anymore.

I'll let Peaches' Tweets tell the rest of the story. You might want to put a helmet on so you don't suffer brain injuries while banging your head on the table. Don't end up like Peaches did naturally.

Speeding like I have never, ever witnessed before on the freeway courtesy of @thedeathqueen -feel like I'm in a scary car chase video game..
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

Just actually experienced a full on car carsh with the IDGAF crew. Wow, I guess we really don't GAF.
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

@thedeathqueenonthecrash "I was just trying to get us all to Disney on fucking time! My creeper slipped on the pedals! Its not my fault!"
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

Honestly can't believe were alive after that. And that the front of the car is totally fucked up and yet were still carrying on to Disney!?
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

My last memories if we had all died following the epic crash- reading the nme, then screaming clinging to @ajtweets what a way to go...
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

Can't believe "Dead Mans Party" was playing during that.
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

And she also Tweeted a picture of the aftermath. That's probably what the inside of my head looks like after reading this shit. Now, I think I'll go bash a peach until it turns to mush. It's for breakfast!

In 2006, a tape featuring Kid Pebble and Scott Stopp (on purpose typo) getting their used tampons sucked by a bunch of skanky groupies made the internet rounds. In a new interview with Spin Magazine (via HuffPo), the Christian banger says that he did not have sex in the biblical sense on tape. You know, because it isn't considered "sex," unless it's in the missionary position, on your marital bed, with all the lights off and at least one of you are crying out of shame.

Scott told the magazine, "Well, there's no sex on the sex tape. For it to get characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks." I'll say it sucks.

Do we really need someone to sit Scott down, hold his hand and tell him how this "sex" thing works? Scott is probably one of those fucktards who thinks that sticking the tip in and twerking the dick just a little doesn't count as an intimate act. The bible says that when all else fails, just scream, "IT WAS JUST THE TIP!"

Scott Stump (another OPT) went on to fart that getting a dick job next to Kid Rock made things a little awkward between them, "What sucks about that is Bob -- Kid Rock -- and I were friends. He'd been over to my house and we jammed and hung out. We were in Tampa playing with Metallica, and I walked into his trailer and there were some strippers. It's a time in his life and a time in my life that we'd like to put behind us and not publicize because we have children now, and they're in school, and their friends read. I know he was pretty pissed off at me when that came out. We haven't sat down face-to-face. I did apologize to him that I didn't just burn that thing. I thought that was a skeleton in the closet that would never find the light of day."

But have they sat down face-to-ass? That was a trick question.

And in case you haven't seen this, here's the trailer for that never-released video of Scott and Kid Pebble not having sex with a bunch of strippers in a bus:

29-year-old Joshua Basso was sitting in his room at the local boarding house in Tampa, FL when his genitals started percolating and he was in the mood for a little phone fucking. But there was a minor problem. Joshua's LG cell phone was completely out of minutes. Fear not, a light bulb appeared over Joshy's peen and he decided to try his luck by calling 911. Obviously, Josh is not known in his circle for coming up with brilliant ideas.

The St. Petersburg Times reports that Josh started getting all dirty with the female operator. He asked her to do sex with him and also wanted to know what her breasts were like. When the operator hung on him, Josh called back four times. Well, the police finally came (punned on purpose) to Josh's room and arrested him. Josh wouldn't admit if he was polishing his pole while talking to the operator. However, Josh did admit that he called 911 for phone sex, because it's the only number that is free.

I understand that when you gotta cum, you gotta cum, but DAMN! Wait. Unless it was always Josh's plan to get thrown into a jail cell, because he knew there was a chance his biscuit would get tapped by a sausage in there. If that's the truth, then change the headline of this post to "Brilliant Horny Bitch of the Day."

The recession is fucking all of us over, but do we really need to be trading our children in for gas?! That's what a woman in Florida tried to do. Allegedly.

WTSP in Tampa reports that 37-year-old Marcy Pappalardo was arrested after a truck driver called 911 claiming that she tried to sell him her 6-year-old son for gas money. The police questioned the woman and then put her in handcuffs. Another woman who was in the car with Marcy says the truck driver is lying. According to her, the truck driver wanted sexy times from Marcy in exchange for gas money. When she turned him down, he made up the child selling story to get back at her.

The truck driver said the topic of sex was never brought up. Dude went on to say, "You know, I have mixed feelings. To see the kid crying like that on TV was tough. I caused that upon him and I have a kid of my own. But had it been the other way, where would the child be?"

Something in the milk ain't clean about this fuckery. You would have to have used tampons for brains to want to sell your kid for just gas money. I mean, I know a kid can't you get to the bar before 2-for-1 happy hour is over, but selling him for just gas money?! A Slurpee and a Slim Jim were not part of the deal. Talk about selling your poor kid short. How dreadful.

And instead of trading your kid for gas money, train him how to siphon tanks and snatch credit cards. That could be a real precious mother/son bonding moment. There's my parenting tip of the day!

If you ever get busted by the cops, put on a Hazmat-made rubber glove, reach into Keith R. Griffin's pocket and pull out the "MAH PUSSY IZ 2 BLAME" excuse. The cops will laugh at you until they turned inside out, but at least you've entertained a bunch of police officers. That's what 48-year-old Keith did.

This dumb fuck was arrested and charged with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found about 1,000 pictures of child porn on his computer. Keith put the blame on his cat! This mega idiot said that he would regularly leave his computer on while he was away and his cat would jump on the keyboard. Keith said that whenever he would return, he would find strange shit downloaded to his hardrive. I CAN'T WITH YOU, Keith! Although, the more that I think about it, this does make sense....

The other night I was at my friend's house and I think her pussy made me smoke a joint filled with heaven's grass. I didn't want to, but it made me. And whenever I go to my mom's house, her cat (don't make me say the p word) makes me eat pounds of In-N-Out. Again, it forces me to do this against my will! I have no choice. Think about it. Look at Maru. That pussy is acting like he's so cute, jumping out of boxes and hiding in shit. You know he's up to some evilness. Maru is in those boxes making bombs and planning our demise. Cats are the EVIL of the world. Click. It all makes sense.

You know Keith is going to be sitting in a prison cell holding his freshly dicked asshole so that his organs don't fall out, while his cat is lounging around somewhere thinking, "That's what you get for switching my Fancy Feast to that generic shit." Payback is a PUSSAY!

Source (Thanks Benny)

You know how sometimes when you're passed out drunk your friends (or in my case, your own mother) will write words like "DRUNK, WHORE, SKANK, PEEN SUCKER" all over your face? Well, 18-year-old Kimberley Vlaminck of Belgium claims that's what happened to her (sort-of). Except the fresh graffiti on her face wasn't from a Sharpie and couldn't be washed off with water or even hot gasoline. This fugness is pretty much permanent!

Kimmy tells the Daily Mail that she paid a Romanian tattoo artist £55 to decorate her face with only three stars. Kimmy, who might have the worst case of narcolepsy ever, says she fell asleep while the dude had a sharp needle on her face and woke up covered in STARZ. 56 stars to be exact.

Kimmy is suing the tattoo artist for £8,500, because that's how much it's going to cost to get them all removed. Kimmy says that she told him she only wanted 3 stars in English and French, but he must have misunderstood her. The tattoo artist says that Kimmy is made of lies, because she specifically asked for 56 stars. He said she was awake and even looked at the mirror a few times. He went on to say, "The trouble all started when she went home and her father and boyfriend threw a fit. They are saying things now like I doped her or hypnotized her. What rubbish!" It's safe to say that he's MADDER THAN FISH GREASE.

I've never had a tattoo, but I'm pretty sure that if you had a sharp ass needle right on your bone you wouldn't be skipping through the clouds in dreamland. The stupid bitch got the tattoo and her father threatened to quit her ass over it, so she played dumb.

It's really not that bad either. It kind of looks like her ear is queefing out stars. It's like Glamberace scooted all over her face. Look on the bright side. Or should I say, the "STARZ" side (GONG!!!!).

Kimmy is moaning that she can't leave the house now, "I am so embarrassed. I just look horrible."

Um. I've got news for Kimmy. The star bukkake on her face is less ridiculous than that SEXY belt buckle she's wearing.

When Phil Spector was stuffed into a prison cell to serve 19 years for killing Lana Clarkson, he left behind his 28-year-old (don't choke) wife of 3 years Rachelle. During the trial, Rachelle wasn't allowed to whore herself out to the media, but now that it's over she can barf words from her mouth all she wants! Rachelle's first stop was the Los Angeles Times. Even though Rachelle loves to show off the 9-carat diamond ring on her finger, she wants the world to know that she's not a gold miner. Nope, she married Phil for *love*. Gag me with a fucking crimping iron.

Rachelle said that if she was a gold digger, she wouldn't be visiting Phil in prison any chance she could and she also wouldn't be licking on his soggy worm dick as much as she used to. Rachelle said, "We had sex. We were doing it all the time." Maybe that would explain why Rachelle looks like a middle-aged truck stop pussy peddler who has had more troll crotch on her ass than a horse at the Kentucky Derby. Not to mention that her eyebrows also look like they've been traumatized by the whole experience.

Rachelle also went on to say that she's not just with Phil for his coin, because she can easily support herself if she needed, "I can weed whack. Rip out walls. Lay tile." Obviously, she can't weed whack for shit, because look at her husband's hair.

Proving that she's just as gross as her husband, Rachelle says that living in the house that Lana died in doesn't bother her. Rachelle and Phil even got married in the same foyer Lane's body was found. Rachelle even sits in the chair Lana bled to death in. It doesn't bother her.

But what does bother her is that her gnome of a husband has been locked in a tiny cell for 24 hours of the day. Rachelle moaned, "He's locked in a 5-by-9 cell, 23 1/2 hours a day. They treat people worse than animals. I want that known." And I want it known that you are not a certified member of the Gold Diggers Club, but I'm sure the Dumb Stupid Skank Bitch Whore Club will gladly accept you. Their club president, Paris Hilton, will be contacting you any day now.

Seriously, crying about a 5-by-9 cell? That's bigger than most NYC apartments!

Clare Werbeloff is the ho in Australia who became an overnight internet celebskank after a video her giving a witness account to a local shooting traveled around the world wide webz. In the clip, Clare dropped the word "wog" (which is a racial slur) so casually like it was part of her every day vocabulary. A quick minute after the video took off, a Facebook group devoted to Clare was born and some bitch started selling t-shirts were her sayings on them. Clare also had to get a publicist to deal with all the attention coming her way.

Well.....you can erase the bitch's file from your brain's hard drive, because that trick BAMBOOZLED the world! Clare didn't witness the shooting in Sydney and she was spinning lies when she talked to the local news. The Police hos tell the Daily Telegraph that dumb fuck Clare admitted to lying.

The public is not amused by Clare's joke. They didn't appreciate her slapping them with her giant hoax dick. They have now turned on Clare! Clare's older sister said that she's afraid gang members are going to whoop her ass! HA!

So it looks like Clare's big dream of becoming the next Delta Goodrem is officially died. Bitch will be lucky if she gets a gig co-hosting Tuesday nights with Corey Worthington at a bar on the outskirts of town where she'll have to serve vodka and Vegemite shots off of her stomach.

Do you remember Corey Worthington? Exactly. Google the bitch's name the word "irrelevant" pops up.

Source (Thanks Tanya)