Dumb Bitch of the Day

This afternoon, Aflac Inc. gently laid their duck on the surgery table, put two tiny anesthesia masks over his nostrils, opened his bill and quickly clipped off the Gilbert Gottfried clinging on to his vocal cords. They immediately threw that Gilbert Gottfried into a dump truck heading for wherever.

Aflac announced today that they have dropped a BYE BITCH on on the voice of their mascot after he Tweeted a series of jokes about the disaster in Japan. The Hollywood Reporter says Aflac is donating $100 million to disaster relief and will hold a nationwide casting call for GG's replacement. Aflac had this to say in a statement:

“Gilbert’s recent comments about the crisis in Japan were lacking in humor and certainly do not represent the thoughts and feelings of anyone at Aflac. There is no place for anything but compassion and concern during these difficult times.”

It all started a couple of days ago when Gilbert climbed on top of the half broken plastic crate that is Twitter account and started throwing out jokes like: "I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, 'They'll be another one floating by any minute now'" and "I fucked a girl in japan. She screamed "I feel the earth move and I'm getting wet." Alflac wasn't really laughing, because 75% of their business comes from Japan. Aaaaaaaaafuck!

You know, we've really come a long way as a society, because we don't even need to change out of our stained sweats or leave our houses to get fired. Just spew out some offensive fuckery on Twitter and wait by the mailbox for your final check to show up.

File this under: Paulina Rubio and Alicia Machado make me feel smart, which until now I thought was an impossible task.

Shortly after North Korea attacked South Korea, former Miss Universe Alicia Machado asked her Twitter followers to join hands to say a prayer for THE CHINAS. THE CHINAS. THE CHINAS!!!!

"Tonight I want to ask you to join me in a prayer for peace, that these attacks between the Chinas do not make our situation worse."

Alicia didn't like some of her followers throwing DUNCE CAPS at her, so she put a giant CLOSED sign on her Twitter account and quit that bitch. The fuckery didn't end there. Paulina Rubio picked up one of those Dunce Caps, put it on her head and defended Alicia with this priceless mind queef:

“Déjenla en paz todos los japoneses se parecen y China es muy grande”.

Translation (via ONTD): "Leave Alicia alone. All Japanese people look the same and China is a very big country".

When did the Japanese join the party?! What is Paulina even going on about?! Can somebody clap near Paulina and Alicia's heads to turn the damn lights on.

Paulina quickly deleted that Tweet after getting shit thrown at her. And it's still not over. Alicia tried to clarify her "THE CHINAS" statement to Univision, but it didn't help.

"No me equivoqué, yo no cometí ningún error, lo que hice fue pedir una oración de muy buena fe por todo el conflicto que se está suscitando en Asia. Lo que pasa es que lo dije de una manera muy coloquial y fue malinterpretado. Obviamente, sé que hay un bombardeo entre Corea del Norte y Corea del Sur. Cuando digo 'las Chinas'. Ay, mira al gringo', y resulta que es canadiense. De repente, le dices chino a todo el que ves que es asiático... A eso me refería".

VERY roughly translated (via ONTD and Google Translator): "I was not wrong, I do not make any mistakes. What I did was ask a prayer of good faith for the conflict that is happening in Asia. I said it in a very informal way and was misinterpreted. Obviously, I know there is conflict between North Korea and South Korea. It was just a funny way to refer to the entire Asian continent. Like when we say 'Look at that Gringo' and turns out that he's Canadian. We call Chinese to everyone who looks Asian. That's what I meant."

There's really no need for me to kick at them, because they've pretty much kicked their own asses.

Reading that entire dumbass skid mark has given me the confidence to try to conquer things I never thought I could conquer before. You know, like a 12-piece jigsaw puzzle or the crossword puzzle in Star Magazine.

via ONTD

Meanwhile in Long Beach, CA, a proud graduate of Lindsay Lohan's School of Driving shows us what not to do when you get pulled over for drunkasfuck driving. On a positive note, at least he doesn't have to do a bunch of field sobriety tests or give fellatio to a Breathalyzer while everyone watches. That shit's more embarrassing than making a bunch of news anchors laugh by busting into a cop car (no, it's not).

Australian tennis star Lleyton Hewitt and his wife Bec aren't only fashion masterminds (see the glorious 90s mess above, which I swear I've seen before on a member of Jade or maybe in a dressing room discard bin at Judy's circa 1994), they are also geniuses when it comes to pulling every last dollar and bit of attention out of the birth of their baby. Aspiring fame whores, exorcise dignity from your system (which you've already done by coming on to this site) and take note!

Lleyton and Bec's daughter was born this past weekend and they are planning to announce her name later this week...for a price. Yahoo! Sports says that Lleyton and Bec have teamed up with "Text A Star" to deliver the name of their baby for $2 a message. Now you can get fucked for $2 a minute without pressing 9-0-0.

When the media started to get on Lleyton and Bec for putting their baby's name on the corner and forcing it take shake its ass for two dollas, he wrote this on his website:

Some sections of the media have as usual found it opportune to place some spin on reality by suggesting we have taken this approach just to make money. Certain media people believe that are the only ones who should have an exclusive. In this instance we made a decision that my fans deserve to know first, and the general public second. That's what we have done and just look at how many of the media have reported it. I've always assured my fans that they'd be the 1st to know on Text a Star and that's why I am part of such a great program, as I can send it straight from my mobile directly to theirs.

"We care about our fans so much that we are going to charge them two dollars for a series of letters they can read ANYWHERE FUCKING ELSE FOR FREE ONCE IT LEAKS!!!!" Hahaha. Those dumb bitches have outdone everybody. Let's just hope they keep the shameless whoring going by charging another $2 for their baby's first burp, fart, and her first words which will totally be "TEXT A STAR."

Michael Lohan needs more people. Specifically, Michael Lohan needs more people to rip that cell phone holder off of his waistband, hit him over the head with it and then drag him to the nearest career center so he can get a full-time job instead of spending his days thinking up MADCAP SCHEMES! I swear, this queefbag's three brain cells are named Moe, Curly and Larry.

TMZ says that the genius that is Michael Lohan has produced a half-broken and flickering light bulb over his head. Since Michael Lohan is dead and buried to Lindsay Lohan, he has come up with a way to get her to pay him some mind (and she'll want change). A source says that Michael, who has been sober for a little while, is going to throw himself off the wagon (somebody please park that wagon next to a cliff), get arrested and then check into Betty Ford.

Apparently, Michael is telling people that he's going to try to visit LiLo at Betty Ford one more time, but if she continues to hit the ignore button on him, he will make a scene by getting drunk. Michael says that's how much he cares about his daughter.

THIS FAMILY is the new THIS BITCH. Why is the Lohan family like this?! Why do their brains make these thoughts? Were they all nursed with baby formula from Chernobyl? Is the key ingredient in their fake tanner plutonium? Did they spend their summers at the Mayak Nuclear Waste Site? I mean, who thinks to themselves, "Oh, gee, my mess of a daughter will love me again if she sees my DRUNK UGLY FACE in rehab while she's trying not to fill her nose with the bad shit?" Who!?

With all that being said, this is a great plan and I hope Michael Lohan sees it through. Well, who doesn't love MADCAP SCHEMES?

And for once, I'm not talking about any member of the Lohan family. Although, now that I think about it the bumbling fool of a cop in this story should probably pay a visit to Ancestry.com, because based on his logic skills he's most likely blood related to the Lohans. While he does that, let's go over why we should all make him a dunce cap out of Clinique sun care cards.

TMZ is saying that when Lindsay Lohan was pulled over for DUI back in 2007, the cop found a Clinique sun car card with a powdery substance on it in her back pocket. The cop opened up his trusty police handbook written by Deputy Sheriff Barney Fife and flipped to the chapter on white powdery substances. After reading a bit, the dumb ass came to the conclusion that the white shit must be a crushed breath mint! And so he threw that shit in the trash.

Officer Dildo Brains wrote in his report: "Some of the white substance fell to the floor. I used my foot to see what had fell but thought nothing of it. I did not recognize the substance attached to the card and initially thought the substance was a wet crushed breath mint. I put the card into the jail trash can next to the booking windows. I was looking at the floor and began to recognize the substance as resembling powder cocaine. I then recovered the card from the trash."

The Clinique coke card could not be used in court, because the officer contaminated it by throwing it in the garbage. Blohan copped a plea for the DUI and only spent 84 minutes in jail.

This officer probably believes it when bitches play the "Officer, I don't know how that decapitated hooker got in the trunk of my car" card.

Since Lindsay Lohan was riding high on the bad shit she probably had coke bref in a major way, so I'm surprised Officer Dumb Bitch didn't offer her some Altoid dust on a Clinique card. "Ew. Your coke breath is killing my nose. Here lick this crushed up mint that isn't cocaine."

Well technically Karl Lagerfeld is NEVER amused, but he's beyond not amused at this bullshit. And when that happens, that means there's a scared virgin shaking in the corner of his tomb because she knows he's about to nibble all her hair off out of anger. Don't worry scared virgin, you've got time to escape, because before Kunty Karl does that he's going to crawl into Coco Chanel's coffin and roll her around a couple of times.

You know, if this Tweet came from anybody else I'd think they were joking, but since it came from Lindsay Lohan I know it's serious. This just confirms that LiLo knows dick about fashion, because any Barbizon graduate will tell you that you never decorate a SCRAM bracelet with stickers. Tacky bitch!

The only way to make a SCRAM bracelet look like it jumped off the backyard runaway of the Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead fashion show is to bedazzle it and adorn it with puffy paint and lace appliques. I swear. Maybe if I write that on the side of an Adderall bottle she'll get the message.

Here's LiLo dressed like Chris Robinson while trying to hide her SCRAM in L.A. yesterday.

This morning, former Food Network star Juan-Carlos Cruz is trying to make a healthy low-cal jail house breakfast out of roach meat, cock queso, and prison porridge so that he can be ready for his first court appearance in Santa Monica today. That's because CNN reports that Juan-Carlos was arrested for trying to hire three homeless guys to kill his wife for $1,000. Somebody lost too much weight in their BRAINS.

The trio of homeless dudes, Big Dave, Little Dave and Shane (no, they aren't a country music group), told TMZ that Juan-Carlos approached them and offered up $1,000 if they cut his wife's froat. During their first meeting, Juan-Carlos gave Little Dave a box cutter, a prepaid cell phone, gloves, a pocket watch and half of the money in hundred dollar bills. Because hiring homeless people to carry out an elaborate murder plan isn't dumb enough, Juan-Carlos showed the dudes a picture of the other half of the money. Juan-Carlos said they would get it as soon as they killed his wife.

That's the shit that really gets me. The dumb fuck whipped out a shiny picture of a stack of money and dangled it front of their eyes like it meant something. Now Jon Gosselin is going to do the same thing with a picture of Tommy Lee's dick.

Big Dave says that during the second meeting with Juan-Carlos, he showed the dudes a picture of his wife and went over the plan. Juan-Carlos said that he picked up his wife from the same place each day and wanted one of the homeless dues to stab her as she got into the car.

The jig exploded after Big Dave got arrested for loitering. He spilled everything and cooperated with the cops to catch Juan-Carlos. And now Juan-Carlos is sitting in a cell on $5 million bail...

This is why Juan-Carlos needs more cells in his brains. Bitch didn't need to hire three hobos or bother his camera by taking pictures of a few $100 bills. If he really wanted to cause physical harm to his wife, he should've just sent her to have a meal at Sandra Lee's house.

29-year-old Carly Houston was arrested in Naperville, Illinois early Sunday morning for disorderly conduct after she threatened to beat a cab driver's ass and refused to pay the fare. When the cops arrived to diffuse the situation, Carly kept acting like a fool, so she was put in handcuffs and taken down to the jail house.

After the cops booked and fingerprinted Carly, they gave her a phone to make her one call. So who did Carly call? THIS BITCH called 911 "to report she's trapped inside the Naperville police detention facility." That really is the best. That's like calling Time Warner's customer service when your cable goes out. It's a call to nowhere.

Out of all the people Caryl could call, she calls her own captors! If Carly called her dealer, I could understand that, because you probably need some serious shit to get you through a night in jail. I would even throw her an approving nod if she called Domino's. But 911?!

Dumbass Carly was charged with theft of services, disorderly conduct, and making a false 911 report.

Just for the record, the police didn't tase Carly in her left eye. She's just making her "Ahz Bean Held Prisonr" face.

via Naperville Sun

Crazy Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner was going to pay Lindsay Lohan $150,000 to escort him to the Vienna Ball tonight. All Blohan had to do was get her ass on a plane to Vienna and keep the crackhead behavior to a minimum during the ball. Easy money. But since the ho's responsible gene followed her dignity out the door years ago, she missed her flight thus missing out on a paycheck. Doesn't this bitch watch The Secret Diary of A Call Girl? The first rule of whoring is to never be late for a call!

Richard is telling the press that Blohan lost track of time while shopping for booze and fags crap at duty free and got to the gate two hours after boarding time. British Airways refused to let Blohan on the flight unless she paid the $22,000 carrier fee for the 2-hour delay. She didn't have a credit card with a high enough limit and British Airways wouldn't take a handjob as payment, so the plane took off without her.

So this spoiled bitch knew the plane was waiting for her ass yet she continued to shop for Marlboros? When is Beverly D'Angelo going to show up in a bubble and transform Blohan into a homeless person who is forced to get a job as a Beverly Hills maid? Blohan needs to learn a lesson only a 1980s movie can teach.

Fortunately for Richard, he was able to get an escort at the last minute. Richard will sashay into the ball on the arm of male German entertainer Dieter Bohlen.

If Richard wanted a hot German piece to be his date, he really should've rang up Bill Kaulitz. That unicorn looks better in a gown than Blohan anyway.