Dumb Bitch of the Day

Lies flow out of Lindsay Lohan's mouth as often as entire bottles of bottom shelf whiskey flows into White Oprah's mouth, so this latest development in the slow motion car crash that is her entire life is about as surprising as the news that I once again almost peed in the bathroom sink this morning, because I was too lazy to lift up the toilet lid. As for why that toilet lid was down to begin with... A lazy-hating ghost is fucking with me, obviously.

TMZ, who I'm beginning to think has a secret wire stashed in Blohan's top lip, is hearing that when the cops came to the hospital to interview her about crashing her Porsche into that semi-truck, she told them the opposite of the truth. Bitch said that she was a passenger in the car and it was her assistant who was driving. You might be thinking to yourself, "But why would this dumb, stupid, moronic, self-entitled skid mark of mess lie to the cops about that?" Because if you put on a Hazmat-approved mask and pulled her chonies down, you'd find a gold seal on her ass with the words "CERTIFIED PATHOLOGICAL MESS" on it. But if you're going to be a pathological liar, you need to be smart about it, which this ho isn't. LiLo probably figured her assistant would stick with her story, but he didn't. LiLo's assistant ratted her out and told the cops she was the one driving. Well, not only is that dude probably out of a job, but you know LiLo is going to get every drug dealer in L.A. to blacklist him. Dude will never be able to buy a dime bag in that town again! That hurts.

Witnesses at the scene of the crash tell TMZ that they watched both LiLo and her assistant crawl out of the passenger side of the car after the accident. That means she climbed out of the drivers seat and into the passenger seat. That's the part I don't understand. Why didn't they switch seats if she wanted to make it look like he was the one driving? If LiLo's assistant refused to be an accessory to illegal fuckery, why didn't she just wrap her strong arm lips around his neck and pull him into the drivers seat? I swear, this ho needs to be better at scamming.

The cops apparently wrote LiLo's lie in their report and that could get her probation yanked away. Giving fraudulent information to a cop is a crime and she could go to jail for doing it.

If this is true (you know it is) and if LiLo gets into trouble for lying (you know she won't), she'll spend a total of zero seconds in a cell. LiLo will sashay into Lynwood, blow air kisses at her old friends at the VIP check-in counter and take a glamour shot for their celebrity wall of beauty before sashaying back out. The California Justice system is her whore and I'm sure the Lady Justice statue has "Lindsay's Bitch" tattooed on its taint. I think I saw it during a school field trip.

Scout Willis, the middle spawn of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, learned the hard way that the next time she wants a quick afternoon buzz, she should probably get into her mom's stash of whip-its and huff at home. Because while drinking a "Pakistani beer" (that is a highly important fact for this highly important story, obviously) in Manhattan's Union Square last night, a cop came up to her and asked for her ID. 20-year-old Scout gets the Dumb Bitch of the Day tag, because instead of chin-ing the officer in the nose before disappearing into the sewers, she handed over a fake ID belonging to someone named Katharine Kelly. It's sad that this Ore-Rida brand ho's parents never taught her to only use a fake ID to get into bars, buy cigarettes and to get a job in the porn industry. Don't give that shit to a cop!

The NYDN says that after Scout, who's a student Brown University, gave the cop a fake ID, he realized it wasn't her (I wonder why?) and questioned her ass. Scout then confessed to being 20-year-old Scout Willis and brought her real California ID out. The cop immediately arrested her ass and took her in. Scout was charged with criminal impersonation and breaking the open container law, and released a couple of hours later without bail. She'll have to answer to the charges in court on July 31st.

Arresting a 20-year-old sipping on a beer is stupid and a waste of time, and that cop's theme song is obviously "Cold As Ice." If he had a heart, he would've gone into the nearest liquor store, bought a jumbo size bottle of the strongest shit in there and handed it over to Scout, because if anybody needs a serious drink it's one of Bruce and Demi's daughters. That being said, the next time Scout tries to use a fake ID, she should make sure it belongs to a Moai.

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)

Over a week ago, some trick accused mess of all messes Lindsay Lohan of getting violent with her at The Standard hotel's Smoke & Mirrors club. LiLo shat out a river of denial and said the trick got the wrong crackie, because she was at home watching TV like the homebody she is. I believed LiLo at the time, because Amanda Bynes was at Smoke & Mirrors that night and since she's the frontrunner to become America's Next Top Trainwreck, I figured it was a case of mistaken skank identity. But now there's this. LiLo went to Smoke & Mirrors last night and got into a verbal fight which ended with a girl throwing a drink at her. Oh, and Michael Lohan was there too.

TMZ says that before the club fight, LiLo called Michael Lohan to help her out after the car she was in hit another car in the hotel parking lot. LiLo says she wasn't driving, but that piece of trash is known for switching seats after accidents, so who knows. Michael Lohan showed up and did what Michael Lohan does. He kicked vaginas, climbed trees and threatened to kill everybody. You know, typical Michael Lohan stuff. Once Michael handed that situation, he took LiLo inside Smoke & Mirror, because a so-called recovering alcoholic taking another so-called recovering alcoholic into a club is a good idea and Lohans are known for following up on all good ideas.

A source says that even though Michael and LiLo stayed until last call, they didn't touch the sweet nectar. Just as they were starting to leave, a chick in a booth made fun of LiLo for being there with her dad. LiLo screamed "Shut the fuck up" at the chick and the chick responded by launching a cocktail at her. Surprisingly, Michael Lohan didn't respond by kicking every vagina in the room. Michael grabbed LiLo and the two left.

LiLo is such a freckled disaster that even if she did stay home, she'd still get in a drunken fight with a plastic ficus tree for looking at her sideways and trying to steal her man: a floor lamp from Pier 1. But now that I think about, I bet LiLo staged the whole thing and let the cocktail thrower snort an extra line in the bathroom if she agreed to throw the drink. If LiLo didn't get a drink thrown at her, she wouldn't be able to say, "No, I don't smell like my mom's piss because all those jumbo iced chamomile teas I drank were really pure whiskey. I smell like that because an evil bitch threw an entire bottle of Jack at innocent me. Everybody's out to get me! Are you going to drink that?"

Smart move, actually.

Okay, okay, just for today LiLo's title gets slightly upgraded from "mega dumb bitch" to "semi dumb bitch."

And here's a few pictures of LiLo hanging out with her brother in her backyard over the weekend. The photo agency tells me they were taken at Coachella, but that's impossible since LiLo never EVER leaves her house.

In Chicago over the weekend, a tattoo artist got a face full of luscious gut fur when he inked the kiss of marriage death on Kelsey Grammer's body. The Chicago Sun-Times (via People) says that Kelsey and his child wife Kayte Walsh sashayed into a tattoo shop in Noble Square on Saturday night and he paid $60 to get her name tattooed in fancy font on his shimmy place (aka his right hip). Kelsey was nice to everyone and blah blah blah, but the best quote comes from the 72-year-old memaw of the tattoo artist.

“She (Kayte) was pretty, but not gorgeous, in your face. . . . They were fun. Very friendly and into each other. They were just talking and enjoying each other."

That dot dot dot is Braille for: like the stunning silicone dragon flower Camille Grammer. We know which 72-year-old memaw from Illinois has a Team Camille leotard in her drawer.

Kelsey is a dumb bitch and he's obviously so straponmatized that he doesn't realize getting your piece's name tattooed on his body is like setting up a game of Spin the Bottle between his marriage certificate and the Grim Reaper, but I don't think that tattoo was totally a bad decision. I mean, just think of the precious image of Kelsey showing off his fancy tattoo by cocking his hip while wearing his favorite pink satin panties. Yes, that's what it feels like when your brain jizzes glitter.

For once, the "dumb bitch" tag doesn't only apply to a Lohan in this post.

Some woman filed a police report in West Hollywood over the weekend claiming that she's the latest victim to feel the coke-infused wrath of the freckled terror, because she says Lindsay Lohan went after her at The Standard hotel on Thursday night. The woman says she was talking to one of LiLo's dude friends, and LiLo didn't like it so she started shoving and pushing at her ass. Ho says that she's got bruises on her back to prove she was pushed. When TMZ ran this story yesterday, they asked LiLo's spokeswhore for a comment, and of course he gave them a river of denial that only flows out of White Oprah's ass:

"Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever. This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame."

Then LiLo later told TMZ that it was impossible for her to push a trick at a club since she was at home watching episodes of Homeland that night.

There are two sides to every story and LiLo has already snorted both of those sides up, so I don't know who to believe. If security footage came out clearly showing LiLo at The Standard, she'd still say, "It wasn't me! It was Axl Rose! Bitches get us confused a lot!," so you can't trust anything that pours of her mouth. That said, there's a history of hos trying to scam the scammer of all scammers, so this supposed victim could be making it all up hoping to get a check.

If LiLo is lying, then that woman learned the hard way to never mess with one of LiLo's johns unless you're okay with scrubbing out coke residue and fake tan grease from the back of your dress after she pushes you out of the way. If the woman is lying, then I am so mad at her for making me side with a Lohan. (Although, the Lohans do have better party favors on their side.)

Before you get into this news story directly from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Florida!" files, just assume that everyone involved was high on some kind of bad shit at the time. Everyone from the mohawked lady to the shooter to the cats were definitely messed up on something (mostly, the drug that is stupidity).

49-year-old Derrill Rockwell of Grand Junction, Colorado was on the lookout for a bitch bird with a red mohawk who had been terrorizing his cats. Derrill was out to git that flying debul and when he spotted the tip of a red mohawk on a hilltop about 90 feet away from his house, he pulled out his 22-caliber rifle and shot at it. Derrill was surprised that the next sound to hit his ears wasn't a single chirp followed by a thud. Derrill heard the sound of a human moan. When he went over to the hill to investigate, he found a 23-year-old woman with a head wound. THAT DUMB CRAZY SHOT HER ASS! Derrill mistook her red mohawk for the red mohawk on his arch rival. Police say that the woman was passed out in a drunken coma at the time she was shot. They also found a bag of meth nearby. The woman was not severely injured and she disappeared after her injuries were treated at the hospital.

The dumbass shooter was charged with felony possession of a weapon by a prior offender. Derrill was banned from using a gun in 1995 after he was convicted of robbery. Derrill pleaded guilty to the felony possession of a weapon charge in court last week and was sentenced to five years probation.

Meanwhile, guess who's still at large?

Dumb bitches with guns: 0
Pussy-terrorizing birds with red mohawks: ALL THE POINTS!

via Boing Boing

Because Lindsay Lohan is such a serious homebody who sits at home sipping distilled room-temperature water while writing the cue cards she'll use for her comeback masterpiece role in that Elizabeth Taylor shit for Lifetime, she was at Sayers Club in Hollywood until 12 this morning. Because Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay Lohan and even a fresh coat of ginge on her weave can't keep her from being a professional fuck up, she hit a dude in the knee with her Porsche before driving away. Take a sip of your morning speed, let it marinate for a second and then say it with me: THIS DUMB BITCH.

The story from TMZ is actually kind of funny and seems like a scam White Oprah would come up with on the spot. LiLo was backing out of the parking lot while surrounded by the paparazzi when her car grazed the knee of a dude who manages the nearby Hookah Lounge (New York Post Headline: HOOKAH MANAGER HIT BY HOOKAH!). LiLo drove away without getting out of her car to check to see if the dude's knee was alright while stealing his wallet with her other hand (missed opportunity, LiLo!). The cops arrived, but TMZ seems to think that they were only there, because LiLo called them earlier to protect her from the paparazzi.

Right after LiLo hit that dude, he told the paparazzi that he was fine and didn't need an ambulance or anything. But then the paparazzi told him that world famous baby stroller-hitter LiLo was the one who kissed his knee hard with her car. The manager said he didn't know who that was, because he's not from America. Dude must've found out quick (note: he Googled "Lizzie Grubman of crackheads" and LiLo was first item), because suddenly he started complaining about pain. He went to the emergency room and he's telling people that he's going to press charges. LiLo is only 14 days away from being probation-free and this could fuck things up for her, but that's not going to happen.

Even if LiLo knocked that dude's knee cap out with her bumper and then stuffed it in her cheek before driving away to rob a nearby Target of their entire supply of blue crack, nothing would happen to her. LiLo is the darling of the California justice system and that club manager is a nobody to them. When I look into my crystal meth ball, I see White Oprah blowing an air kiss at the club manager as police take him away to prison for attacking LiLo's Porsche with his knee. "You can't scam a scammah, wink!" - White Oprah

Here's a few pictures from the other night of LiLo and some 45-year-old court stenographer from the late 80s Ali Lohan leaving a restaurant. That scratch on her Porsche is nothing. Bitch just took out an entire playground of preschoolers, because the paparazzi were in her way.

Above is a picture that is supposed to be the whoring whores of ungodly trash from Westboro Baptist Church picketing Whitney Houston's funeral in New Jersey on Saturday. The picture was Tweeted by master whore of propaganda Margie Phelps. Below is an untouched picture from Whitney Houston's funeral in New Jersey on Saturday without the shit stains from Westboro Photoshopped onto it.

Westboro declared that they were going to come to NJ to picket Whitney's funeral, but those cowardly whore beasts never showed up and tried to make everyone believe that pieces of shit from their "church" were there by rubbing a clean picture on Photoshop's dirty asshole. NJ.com confirms that there was restricted access in front of the church where Whitney's funeral took place and no protesters showed up. HAHAHAHA @ those stupid bitches.

This is why I try not to feed those attention whoring hyenas from hell. They always say that they're going to picket someone's funeral and they don't show up since making signs at Kinko's drained their piggy banks and they can't afford to buy a bus ticket. But this might be the first time that those stuntin' trolls faked a protest by Photoshopping themselves into a picture.

Doesn't Margie Phelp's lying ass know that above everything GOD HATES PHOTOSHOP!!!!!!

Remember when Kristen Stewart got a whole lot of shit thrown at her face for basically saying that she feels like someone needs to hand her a rape kit after the paparazzi takes her picture? Well, she continued to whisper sweet nothings into the faces of the paparazzi in Paris recently. After the human version of a skater boy's scab signed a bunch of autographs, she turned to her soulmates the paparazzi and told them to freeze to death (at the 0:42 mark). That was an early Valentine's Day gift from KStew to the paps. You know, if the paparazzi took a few steps back until they reached Eastern Europe, they could freeze to death! That Kristen. So fucking topical.

(Thanks Robin)

This is why little ass girls should leave the big cons to the Alexis Carringtons of the world who have trained their whole lives in the craft of scheming and would never make an amateur bitch mistake like this one right here. Alexis would spit at Mariah Yeater out of disgust, but sheiks buy vials of her saliva with diamonds and she's not going to waste a drop on a dumb bitch who can't scheme.

Yesterday, Mariah Yeater's new lawyer confirmed that his client pulled her paternity case against Justin Bieber to start private settlement negotiations with the world's most famous yodeling fetus. Mariah still swore that Justin Bieber bareback boned a bag of money into her uterus and asked him once again to take a DNA test. But now it seems like her entire get-rich-quick scheme has come crashing down like a balloon with no boy in it. One of Mariah's friends sold her the hell out by giving TMZ a bunch of text messages where she says that some other dude named Robbie is the father of her baby and she wants him in her kid's life. Mariah also promises to give her friend a cut of the cash if he keeps his mouth shut. THE JIG JIG JIG IS UP!

The person to whom Mariah Yeater sent the text asked us to blur his name -- we'll call him John. He has been in touch with Yeater regularly ... even before the baby was born on July 6.

In the text, Yeater pleads for John to "ERASE ALL MESSAGES from my mom." The text goes on to say that her mom sent John messages in the past, stating that baby Tristyn was fathered by Robbie -- an ex-boyfriend.

She then goes on to talk about giving John money if he cooperates: "Ill kick u when we get paid."

All of her texts end with Mariah Laci-- Laci is Mariah's middle name.

John tells us he's already shared this information with Howard Weitzman, Justin Bieber's lawyer.

Weitzman tells TMZ, "This information proves Mariah Yeater fabricated the story. Our independent investigation indicates Ms. Yeater never meet Justin, she has consistently identified another man as the child's father, and Ms. Yeater and her co-conspirators hatched this scheme in order to extort money from him and to sell her story to the media."

Weitzman adds, "There have been no settlement discussions and there never will be."

What kind of self-respecting gold digging con artist leaves a text trail? You're supposed to conduct all of your bribery (Biebery?) discussions in an empty steam sauna. That way nobody can wear a wiretap and your pores get cleansed in the process. I swear. Pimp Mama Kris, come and get this dumb dumb and teach her your con artist ways, because she's a skid mark on the profession. Unless.....

Maybe The Lesbeaver has already paid Mariah off and this is just the grand finale to wrap everything up and make it go away forever. That would mean Mariah is a master schemer after all. Nope, can't be. Any ho who spells the name Tristan "T-R-Y-S-T-Y-N" can't be that good.

Here's The Lesbeaver on the Spanish show El Hormiguero yesterday. You can laugh all you want, but you won't be spitting out HAHAs in a few months when that purple puppet is knocked up on the cover of HOLA! magazine and crying about how Justin scissored a baby into it in a backstage bathroom.