Dumb Bitch of the Day
In "fuckery you just can't make up" news, Justin Bieber and some of his friends visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam last night and not only did the shit-brained fetus keep his sunglasses on in the museum (picture above), but he also vomited up pieces of his ego all over the museum's guestbook. After learning that Anne Frank hid in the attic for two years and was eventually captured by the Nazis and died in a concentration camp, the only question the Biebs asked was, "I wonder if she would've been a Belieber?" Out of everything, that's what he got out of the Anne Frank Museum. I just.... I don't.... I mean... I CAN'T!
The Anne Frank Museum Facebook page posted a transcription of what Justin Bieber wrote and it's the reason why humanity cries today:
Yesterday night Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House, together with his friends and guards. Fans were waiting outside to see a glimpse of him. He stayed more than an hour in the museum. In our guestbook he wrote: "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." Tonight Bieber will give a concert in Arnhem in the Netherlands.
Please, everybody knows that Anne Frank would've been a One Direction fan.
Another sad part of this is that the Beliebers probably don't even know who Anne Frank is and they're going to start sending her death threats on Twitter, because he gave her a shout out instead of them.
And Justin Bieber accomplished the impossible by managing to out-Bieber himself.
This might come as a shock to you, but the dim dumb douche who got trolled hard by Amber Rose Tamblyn said some stupid shit in an interview the other day. Steam shower scientist Tyrese told AllHipHop.com (via HuffPo) that fat people are nasty and nasty fat people take hot showers so their bathroom mirrors will get steamed up and they don't have to look at their fat nasty bodies.
AHH: What kind of responsibility do you feel as an entertainer, you have to inspire people to live healthier lifestyles?
Tyrese: No two situations are the same. If you are fat and nasty and you don’t like the way you look, do something about it. It’s simple.
When you take a shower and you put your fat, nasty body in the shower and by the time you get out, the mirrors are all steamed up so you don’t look at what you did to yourself. That may sound offensive or insensitive but ultimately, you are big as hell because you have earned that shit. You worked your ass off to eat everything in sight to get big as hell.
If you got a problem with the way you look, then you need to do something about it. Excuses sound best to the people that’s making them up.
This isn't the first time Tyrese has called steam out for being a fat-shaming vapor. In 2009, he told Men's Health that he's thankful to steam, because it hid his fat body from him when he gained 50 pounds.
"How lucky is it that mirrors steam up after a hot shower? I didn't have to look at what I'd done to myself."
Steam: so THAT'S how it works. Tyrese just blew some scientific minds, because we now know why steam exists. Steam solely exists to cover up mirrors so we don't have to look at our fat guts. The more we know.
Speaking of blown minds, you better put on your rain gear if you're standing next to Tyrese, because if he has a mind, I'm about to blow it. If fat people smear a little shampoo on the mirror before a hot shower, they'll be able to see their bodies afterward. I know, I think I just broke Tyrese.
It hurts putting the "Dumb Bitch of the Day" tag with the "Jeremy Irons" tag, but the crap that fell out of his mouth during his interview with HuffPost Live....
HuffPost Live's Josh Zepps brought up the topic of same-sex marriage and Jeremy Irons could've easily just said that he doesn't care about it or he doesn't like it or whatever. But instead, he opened up his talk hole and let out a rambling stream of shit. Jeremy is afraid that same-sex marriage will lead to fathers marrying their sons for tax reasons.
Here's how Jeremy and Josh's conversation went (SPOILER ALERT: It ran off the rails and crashed). It almost makes more sense if you picture Scar saying this instead of Jeremy Irons:
Jeremy: Well, I don't know... It's a very interesting one, that, and I don't really have a strong feeling, but I see that... What we had in England, which was not marriage, but it was a union you could make if you were gay and wanted to make a civil partnership.
Josh: Yes, civil union sort of has the same rights as marriage, but not the name.
Jeremy: That's right. Same rights, not the name. It seems to me that now they're fighting for the name and I worry that it means somehow we debase or we change what marriage is. I just worry about that. I mean, tax-wise is an interesting one, because could a father not marry his son?
Josh: Um, well there are laws against incest.
Jeremy: It's not incest between men. Incest is there to protect us against inbreeding, but men don't breed, so incest wouldn't cover that. Now if that was so, then if I wanted to pass on my estate without death duties, I could marry my son and pass on my estate to him.
Josh: No, that sounds like a total red herring. I'm sure that incest law would still cover same-sex marriages.
Jeremy: Really, why?
Josh: Because I don't think that incest law is only justified on the basis of the consequences of procreation. I think there's also a moral approbation that's associated with incest.
Jeremy: But I think it comes from breeding. I think the lawyers are going to have a field day with same-sex marriage. I don't have a strong feeling either way. I just wish everyone that's living with one other person the best luck in the world, because it's fantastic.
Josh: Spoken like a happily married man.
Jeremy: Yeah, and also a man who has a dog that he loves.
THE FUCK?! Jeremy Irons said a few years ago that children under 16 are "immensely attractive" and the "hysteria" over pedophilia is ruining relationships between parents and their kids. Then he says this shit? Jeremy's son Max Irons is going to side-eye him something extra the next time they hug.
And now I can't fap to Jeremy Irons the next time Damage comes on cable. Jeremy Irons is ruining Jeremy Irons for me!
Here's the video if you need to hear those words coming out of Jeremy's mouth.
So that's why I'm always craving cock. It's because I ate too much chicken as a child.
Colombian model and world-class genius Natalia Paris was doing some kind of meet-and-greet with her fans at a store in Bogota when she decided to drop some words of stupidity into their heads. Natalia, who doesn't have a degree in science but does have a PhD in dumbfuckery, thinks that all the hormones they pump into chickens is making girls sprout chichis at an earlier age and is making boys hungry for the peen.
CaracolTV (via HuffPo) caught Natalia telling a group of people that she knows shit, because she read scientific reports about this. Natalia read that the female hormones in chickens change children's bodies and "that's why those boys who are eating those chickens... they're starting to turn into homosexuals."
As poet Kim Zolciak once said, "I've been chasing dick since I came out of the womb" and that was long before I put my mouth on a piece of chicken. But this bitch does have a valid point about the hormones in chickens making your tits grow. My chest tits have been looking extra luscious lately and I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I don't exercise and stuff my mouth hole with trash food all the time. It's because I've been eating way too many Chicken McNuggets. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.
Maybe Natalia is an undercover gay activist and she's just saying this shit to get anti-gay people to stop eating at Chick-Fil-A. She's a genius!
Here's the video of Natalia spewing some craziness and I don't need to eat chicken today, because the look that lady next to her is throwing at her is the only protein I need.
(Thanks, Bobbie Sue)
The Difficult Brown's Community Could Be Revoked After The D.A. Accused Him Of Faking His Community Service
Chris Brown got 180 days of community service after he pleaded guilty to beating on RiRi and all he had to do was to complete all 180 days, but since he's an entitled anal sore, he didn't! Obviously. The Los Angeles Times, TMZ and Reuters say that the L.A. District Attorney is going to ask a judge to snatch away Chris Brown's probation, because they believe he faked most of his community service hours with a little help from his mother Mom Breezy and the Chief of Police in Richmond, VA.
Even though The Difficult Brown's case was in California, the judge still allowed him to complete all his community service in his home state of Virginia. The D.A. said that on Chris Brown's community service records they found three times when it was impossible for him to be doing community service, because he was either performing at a concert or riding on a private jet to Mexico.
Chris Brown also claims that he did hundreds of hours of community service at the Tappahannock Children's Center and his mom, who was the director there once, was in charge of giving him jobs and scheduling times for him to come in after-hours. But an administrator at the children's center said she never saw Chris Brown doing any work there. And Chris Brown says he waxed the floors there several times, but the dude who regularly waxes the floor says he's the only one who's touched those floors with wax for 3 years. The floor waxer guy also told the D.A. that one administrator at the children's center tried to get him to lie about Chris Brown waxing the floors, but he refused. Chris Brown also claimed that he picked up trash in "various alleys" around Richmond, but he didn't know which alleys exactly, because the paparazzi were always following him.
Bryan T. Norwood, Richmond's Chief of Police who knew Chris Brown personally before all of this (wink wink), wrote a letter to the judge last September saying that The Difficult Brown went above and beyond by doing 220 days of community service when he only needed to do 180 days. But the spreadsheets that Chris Brown turned in show that he only did 162 days of community service.
The D.A. says that either Chris Brown's community records are sloppy as shit or he made most of that mess up. There's a hearing in L.A. tomorrow and the D.A. wants the judge to take away Chris Brown's violation and force him to redo all those community service hours in L.A. County.
The D.A. is also going to bring up his parking lot brawl with Frank Ocean, his phone-snatching incident in Miami, his assault on a window at Good Morning America and the fact that he tested positive for weed.
The Difficult Brown's lawyer said that the D.A.'s office are out of their minds and they are slandering Chris Brown's pristine image as a responsible human adult.
Okay, Chris Brown is dumber than a dried dingle on a dog's hairy asshole for making up community service hours and thinking they weren't going to find out. But he's extra dumb for saying that he was picking up trash in Virginia when he was really wrapping his ten foot long pencil dick around some girl's neck on a private jet to Mexico. Of course they're going to find out. THE GOVERNMENT KNOWS EVERYTHING! Besides, we're really supposed to believe that Chris Brown spent 220 days of his life doing community service? When did he find the time to get into club fights and use his pool noodle dick to trick RiRi into thinking he's not a corroded ass wart anymore?
Chris Brown's lawyer should argue that it wasn't him on that private jet to Mexico, it was an HGH-addicted gremlin that they hired to be his double. Because I'd totally buy that.
Hillary Clinton can cancel her trip to the Middle East, because future Secretary of State Kim Kartrashian is on her way there (sort of, not really) and will make everything better.
A few days ago, Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig got a bunch of death threats after she tweeted her support for Israel, and later Palestine, while not knowing what in the hell she was talking about. Kim is going to Kuwait and Bahrain to show her plastic face at the openings of several Millions of Milkshakes and while she's there she plans to get educumacateded on the conflict in the Middle East.
A source tells TMZ that Kim has already set up meetings with local leaders, because "she wants to be as informed as possible ... so she can use her celebrity to help those in need and raise awareness about important issues in the area."
Oh, to be a fly on Kim's ass when the local leaders try to keep her attention by acting out the history of the Israeli–Palestinian conflict using dick puppets. I mean, Kim Kuntrashian is not one to look away from dick puppets. You know, I'll give Kim a break this time. Bitch is so dumb that I'm surprised she didn't go to the Morocco Pavilion at Epcot Center to try to learn about the conflict between Israel and Palestine. ("She already did." - a cast member at the Morocco Pavilion)
Here's Kim and the slower one getting the Key to Miami at some ceremony the other day. When Kim's off trying to bring peace to the Middle East, Miami should change the locks.
At this point, it goes without saying that the Lochte family grew up next to a radiation test site (that explains the shade of Snooki on Megan Lochte's skin), got their water from a well on a mercury mine and slept in tilted beds that made them roll off and hit their heads on the floor every night. Case in point: Here's a video from 4 years ago of Ryan Lochte's sister Megan Lochte using her mouth to shit out a bunch of racist nuggets of dumb. Shortly after Megan came back to the US after spending time in China during the Beijing Olympics, she went on a late night comedy talk show in Maryland and dropped these words of wisdom:
Megan on China: "China was chinked out. Like, it was totally, like Chinese. Everything. There was only chinks everywhere."
Megan on how Chinese people take so many pictures: "You know how they always, stereotypically, they always want to take pictures? They take pictures of everything. Like I would be jumping up and down, and they'd be like, 'Oh my god, an American jumping up and down.' Chink chink! That's where it comes from I think. Is that where it comes from?"
Megan on how Chinese people are the phenomenal drivers: "They drove like ninjas."
Megan when asked if ninjas are Chinese or Japanese: "They're whatever we want. They're Asian."
Megan on what she likes most about the Chinese culture: "They were funny. They're totally not American."
HAHAHA, and she says all of that while wearing the dumbest dunce cap I've ever seen. You know, watching Ryan Lochte try to produce a coherent thought is like watching the people on Survivor try to start a fire in the rain by rubbing two rocks together, but after seeing this video, I can say that he's probably the smartest one in the family.
The punchline is that on Megan's Facebook page, she says she studied "Multicultural Marketing." This has to be an act and bitch has to be trolling us.
via Jezebel (Thanks, Ashley!)
If your $257,000 Ferrari is parked in the valet zone of The Mercer Hotel in SoHo and a cop starts writing your ass a ticket for being parked in the valet zone, you should just take the ticket, drive your car to a $75-a-day parking garage (and that's probably the cheapest parking garage in that neighborhood) and then go back inside to do Cristal shots out of her reality trash girlfriend's belly button. But that's not what 28-year-old Julien Chabbott, who is the co-creator of the Line Snob app, did and it got him a day in the clink.
Jalopnik says that Damian Mory was shooting video of the Ferrari when stupid twat extraordinaire Julien came out of the hotel, refused to take the ticket Officer Recio was writing and got in his fancy ass car to drive away. Officer Recio told Julien not to even think about driving away and the cop put his foot in front of the wheel to let a bitch know that he wasn't playing around. There are many ways to show the world that you're a dumb, entitled bitch and one of them is to drive away when a cop tells you to do the opposite. Julien hit the gas and also allegedly hit the cop's foot. BOOM. Game Over. Julien was pulled out of his car and forced to make out with the cobblestones. Julien was arrested, taken down to the police station and charged with being a dumb bitch, being a dumb bitch and being a dumb bitch.
A spokesperson for the NYPD tells the Observer that Officer Recio had to go to the hospital to be treated for an injury to his foot and hand. He was released a quick second later.
I could watch this video over and over again. Julien is dumb as shit, the cop is crazy as hell and I am entertained! Slow claps for everyone. Really, don't all of us already know that when you screw with a cop, you're either going to get a taser to the ass or a pavement facial scrub? But what do you expect from Julien's dumb ass? I mean, he's dating Stephanie Pratt, Spencer Pratt's sister and face twin, so we obviously know that he's not that great at making life choices.
Every driver in Los Angeles should just go ahead and cover their car in rubber bumpers and wear a helmet every time they drive, because if Lindsay Lohan's stupid ass won't crash into them, then Amanda Bynes' stupid ass will. If you're driving around L.A. and see Amanda Bynes or Lindsay Lohan driving behind you, pull over and pray to all the saints, because you're in danger, girl. Case in point:
TMZ says that a woman named Kisa became the latest member of the Victims of Amanda Bynes Club yesterday afternoon when Amanda allegedly rear-ended her Toyota Corolla on Venture Blvd. Kisa says that after Amanda's black BMW punched her Toyota, they both got out of their cars to see how serious the damage was. Kisa says that she didn't recognize Amanda Bynes at first, because she "looked like a hot mess." Um, here's a little tip. If the bitch who just hit you looks like the kind of mess that can make thermometers explode, then it's either Amanda Bynes or Blohan. Kisa went on to tell TMZ that there was damage to her Toyota's bumper and a lot of damage to Amanda's BMW. But Amanda told Kisa that the damage to her Toyota wasn't that bad and that mess tried to push her bumper back into place.
When Kisa asked Amanda for her insurance information, that bitch got shifty and didn't cough it up. When Kisa kept trying to get Amanda's information, she said that they didn't need to exchange info since the damage wasn't that bad and then she jumped into her car and drove away. Kisa called the police, filed a hit and run report and here we are now.
In pre-school, there was this tricycle track in the school yard and my teacher gave us these fake tricycle drivers licenses with our pictures on them. Amanda doesn't even deserve one of those! Bitch shouldn't have any kind of license. What a dumb bitch and she's an extra dumb bitch, because she didn't even try to get the heat off of her by shouting, "I'm Lindsay Lohan, the cops know where to find me!" before running away. But whatever, Amanda doesn't have shit to worry about. Because I'm sure that right at this very moment, President Obama is down at the police station declaring to the cops that he has officially pardoned Amanda Bynes of all future charges. I mean, Amanda IS his number one priority.
R. Kelly writes in his memoirs Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me that the reason why his marriage of 12 years slipped down the drain of a urinal wasn't because he suddenly realized that he's a dried dingle of dick cheese and his wife is destined for better things like Vh1's Hollywood Exes. R. Kelly writes (via TMZ) that the movie The Notebook put him through serious changes and made him realize that his own marriage could never go until the end of time like the characters in a fucking movie. This bitch:
"As the film credits started to roll, I couldn't move. I burst into tears. People walking past me patted me on the back, trying to console me. 'The Notebook' was beautiful, and I was crying because its hero and heroine had died together.
But I was also crying because I remembered a Valentine's Day -- when a helicopter dropped a rainfall of roses -- that had come and gone ... My marriage had died. And there was nothing I could do to bring it back."
Falling roses on Valentine's Day? Now that's a real reason to divorce a bitch. Nothing is romantic about getting slapped in the face with a rose stem after you look up to yell at that loud ass helicopter.
R. Kelly just needs to stop. Seeing the movie didn't ruin his marriage. What really happened is that after he strolled out of theater and looked at the movie poster of rain falling on Rachel McAdams, he realized that he needed to leave his wife and focus all of his time on what really makes his douche heart full: making it rain piss on underage girls in hotel rooms.