Alien Voodoo

Kirstie Alley has signed a deal (in donut frosting) with A&E to star in her own reality show. This shit is going to make the bitches on Hoarders, Intervention and Obsessed look like healthy and sane individuals.

Radar says that cameras will start rolling this month. The show will mostly focus on Kirstie's struggle with losing the chunk. And I'm sure the show will also follow Kirstie as she hides in Jamie Foxx's bushes and steals used condoms out of his trash can. Seriously, those of you who have been to the Land of Crazy (aka Kirstie's Twitter page) know what I'm talking about. Kirstie loves Jamie Foxx almost as much as she loves deep fried barley. Almost.

Here's a few recent examples:

"Enough of haters. Haters are lonely little rat people with 3 followers who love to hate also. Let's talk about LOVE stuff. LOVE Mr. Foxx!"

"I'm going to make a big announcement on Oprah TUESDAY..No, I'm not pregnant with Mr. Foxx's love child.....that I know of"

"I think the baby name will be JAIMTIE ALLEY FOXX ...gotta admit it's original...and NO ONE else will steal it!"

"Gotta go make love to Mr. Foxx... He hates it when i keep him waiting.. Be back in 7 hours unless he's over the flu. In which case... 9"

Actually, I'm going to excuse myself now, because that kind of looks like my diary entries about Anderson Cooper. Hmmm...I wonder if the free clinic has opened a psych ward yet?

Tommy Girl's Scientolohole must be screaming into a bowl of ice cream this morning, because his Church of Aliens has lost a famous member. Paul Haggis (the Oscar-winning director of Crash) has spit out the barley, turned in his foil cap and delivered a giant "fuck you" to L. Ron Hubbard. After being a member for 35 years, Paul is leaving the crazy, because he's sick of their constant gay bashing and for denying the "disconnect policy" which states that Scientologists have to cut off bitches who don't believe that thetans live inside our pores (or something).

Paul addressed the letter to the Church of Scientology's insane spokesalien Tommy Davis (son of Anne Archer). Paul states that he was very vocal about his disappointment with Scientology's support of Prop 8. Paul also mentions an interview Tommy Davis gave to CNN where he denied that existence of the "disconnect policy." This made Paul's nipples burn with anger, because his own wife was forced to say "peace out" to her parents after they left the alien-loving cult.

The letter, which was originally published on Mark Rathbun's site, is after the jump. It pretty much speaks for itself. I don't think Paul deserved an Oscar for Crash, but he definitely deserves one for this letter, so we're even now. And how much do you want to make a bet that Tommy Girl is now calling Paul Haggis "Paul Faggis."? Tommy is a master at insults! JUMP!!!

Here's a little tale that will tickle your tonsils and make your genitals pass out. Some source (*cough*Tommy's dildo cleaner*cough*) told OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that Stepford Katie is helping her alien master lose some chunk in his titties by giving sex to him any chance she gets. I tried picturing these two assholes rubbing on each other, but all I got was a 404 error. Katie does not have the hard drive needed to make Tommy's pussy pucker. Does not compute.

Just for farts and giggles, let's see what the source had to say about this shit: “Tom had been complaining about how hard it is to keep off the pounds, so Katie vowed to help him out. Katie read somewhere that you burn up 600 calories just by having sex three to four times a week. So she’s told Tom to think about how much they’d burn up if they put daily sex sessions on their schedule! Tom thinks the sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town just for the sake of his diet!”

The only way Katie can help Tommy lose 600 calories instantly is by thrusting her robovag and jiggling her bits at him. That will make Tommy vomit from every orifice. Cue Jack Nicholson shouting, "You can't handle the cooch!"

Here's a few pictures of Tommy butching it up on the set of Wichita in Boston yesterday. What Village People song do you think is playing in his head? I'm going to go with a medley of "Macho Man/Can't Stop The Music."

Shelley Duvall hasn't made a movie since 2002 and the neighbors in her town say it's because she's too busy trying to keep the aliens from taking over her body. L. Ron Hubbard just jizzed in his chonies. So did Fox Mulder.

One neighbor of Shelley's in Blanco, Texas told The Globe (via CM) that she has been seen patrolling her backyard late at night, because she really believes her home is a portal for aliens. Another neighbor said that Shelley thinks she can communicate with aliens by flashing her car's headlights. The owner of a local hardware store also co-signed Shelley's obsession with aliens, "She mutters to herself and talks about aliens living in her body. One time she came in and asked for dirt and boards to block up a hole in her backyard because, she said, 'That's a portal into another dimension. That's where the aliens are coming in.'"

You know, watching The Shining effs with my brains a bit, so I can't even imagine how it fucked with Shelley. That being said, the whores of Blanco need to stop blabbing about Shelley's boner for alien shit. Seriously, if Tommy Girl hears about this, he's going to FedEx Stepford Katie back to Dawson's Creek, head to Blanco and make Shelley Duvall his next beard! We can't let that happen to Olive Oyl!

Line deliverer, marathon cheater, Judy Garland hater, cyborg beard, Posh wannabe and now fashion designer. WWD says that Stepford Katie's fancy fashion line with her stylist Jeanne Yang will debut this fall at Maxfield in Los Angeles. Katie should have debuted it at the Scientology gift shop, because those are the only whores who are crazy enough to buy this mess. Besides, Tommy Girl's Scientolohole will squirt on them if they don't buy every piece.

The line is called Holmes & Yang (that sounds like the whackest rap duo of all-time) and will feature clothes for children and femaliens.

Katie needs to be programmed to learn that just because she's married to a flamer, doesn't mean she automatically knows fashion. It would make more sense if she co-designed a line of strap-ons with Jada Pinkett.

Most of us know that Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, has been hypnotized by the alien evil lords. One year, she gave Scientology her entire year's salary: $10 million. But now she has gone too far. Nancy has dragged Bart into this fucking trainwreck! Or should I say spaceshipwreck?

Nancy is robo-calling for Scientology using the voice of Bart. Even my ears screamed "OH MY XENU."

Homer needs to come get his child and choke the L. Ron Hubbard out of him! And Matt and Fox need to come their lawyers so they can sue the fuck out of this crazy troll.

Poor Bart. I wonder what kind of shit Scientology has on him now?

That circle jerk with Milhouse and Martin was just meaningless experimenting, Bart. It won't ruin your career, because we won't hold it against you. Just step away from the aliens....

VIA Village Voice

Roger Friedman of Fox News wrote about Will Smith's charitable foundation "just-released" tax returns. You probably can't get a hold of a personal tax return, but if you should happen to come across mine, all those large purchases I wrote off from an establishment called The Pink PussyCat were for research, ok? RESEARCH! Ask my no-no, he's my witness.

So Will Smith has shouted through the streets that he is not a Scientologist. He's just letting one slurp on his chode every now and again. Even though Will claims he's not in bed with the alien crazies (you know what I mean), he donated around $122,000 to Scientology this year. Specifically, he gave up $67k to the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Fund, $50k to Scientologoy's Celebrity Centre in Hollywood and another $5k to something called ABLE which is a Scientology offshoot.

I'm guessing that ABLE stands for Anal Bottoms Lacking Enemas. It's the charity closest to Tommy's heart...or his asshole in this case.

Last year, Will and his beard donated some cash to a private school that teaches some Scientology shit.

What does this all mean? Well, it means that Will is either a barley water drinking, couch jumping, Xenu obsessing Scientologist or........or nothing. He's totally in the Don't Be Glib Club.

Methinks we've found Brit Brit's next baby daddy. This is Bill Pullman's 19-year-old son Jack and he was arrested last night in Asheville, NC for allegedly beating a government official and possessing moonshine. Moonshine! Party like we're in prohibition times!

WLOS reports that cops arrested Jack and his friend in Downtown Asheville Monday night. They must have made quite a ruckus because they were charged with resisting officers, underage drinking, having moonshine and assaulting a government official. I'm sure cops figured out shit wasn't right when Jack stumbled out of the alley carrying a big jug with three Xs on it in one hand and a stick of possum jerky in the other.

Does moonshine make you howl at the moon too? Because that's what this bitch is doing in his mugshot. I want to howl at the moon too. Unfortunately, I don't know anybody who sells moonshine, so I googled for the recipe. I can barely make Easy Mac, so there's no way I can make my this shit. Making moonshine takes serious skill. A skill that can only be found in inbred gene pools.

Turn to the right, Stepford Katie! Look at the girl you used to be. The girl who had apple pie in her eyes instead of barley water. Sigh. Katie can't see it. Even if she did turn, she doesn't see Joey Potter, she just sees Tommy Girl dancing around in his chonies and platform sneakers. He's programmed that in her. Oh well. I give the autograph hunter a gold star for trying.

Last night was the opening night for Stepford Katie's Broadway debut in "All My Sons." For fucking real. This shit has barely opened officially. I feel like it's been playing for centuries. It got mixed reviews and USA Today said Katie's performance is "one-note." What do they expect? She's a robot! She can't help it. Damn.

As expected, the anti-Scientology group Anonymous were there in masks to protest the alien crazies. The police pushed them down the street to keep them away from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie, but their shouting could still be heard from the red carpet.

Here's a few pictures of 50-year-old Katie and Tommy last night. That old lady genie outfit thing is her own design. That pretty much explains the whole thing. "Project Run-KATIE-RUN!!" Tommy has the same outfit in hot pink.

I used an older picture of Amy Wino because we already know what she looks like now. Her crack zombie image probably haunts your nightmares regularly. Tommy Girl and his alien army promise Wino that they can turn her back into that smiley girl with yellow teefs.

The Crackie of Camden reportedly received some kind of phone call from the Scientology Center in Los Angeles. They told Wino they could help her with that whole "being addicted to crack shit" by enrolling her into their Narconon drugs program. Translation: They want her CASH and her ice pop stash. I bet ice pops make Tommy Girl all giddy and shit.

A source told The Mirror, “They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a program so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential center. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.”

The program consists of three stages. The first part involves taking a bunch of vitamins. The second part includes a "detox diet" and saunas. Then you have to work through a series of Scientology self-help books. The final stage involves trading your soul and heart in for a memory chip and hard drive. That last part isn't known to the general public.

Hmmm...would you rather be a brainwashed alien worshiper with Tommy Girl's permanent shit stain on your nose? Or would you rather be a crackhead? Basically, would you rather have Stepford Katie's life or Wino's life? I'd go with the latter. Either way, she's totally fucked! Daddy Spears, come save this child from the aliens and the crack monsters!