There was this seasoned chola who worked in my mom's office and she once took me aside during her lunch break to show me Polaroids she kept in her glove compartment of her cruisin' days before her tattoos looked like pieces from a wrinkled coloring book and before she dyed her hair a lovely shade of Montebello blond (as she puts it). What she looked like in those pictures looks almost exactly like 14-year-old Lourdes at a Material Girl event with Kelly Osbourne in NYC yesterday. The teenage spawn of Madge looks like the spitting image of the seasoned chola office assistant in her glory days!
Well, Lourdes would completely look like the spitting image of a 70s chola if you traded her plain hair for feathered hair wings and traded her yellow dress for a baggy plaid shirt and high-waisted polyester pants. But other than that, it's uncanny!
What I'm trying to say is that if Roberto Benigni (whatever happened to Roberto Benigni anyway) was telling the truth when he said that life is beautiful, then Lourdes will grow up to be a gorgeous Radiology office assistant who smells like a mixture of L.A. Looks gel and Avon perfume, and drives a brown Lincoln with a warped TimeLife oldies cassette stuck in its tape deck. If only!
And just like that, a dozen "Which teen pop star is a cokehead who did a dude on a bunk bed at a party?" blind items might've have found their answer. TMZ reports that 18-year-old Demi LOraleVATOOOOO (that' that girl who once dated a Jonas Brother and Mr. Ed's second cousin twice removed at the hay barrel, has quit her world tour and checked into rehab for "emotional and physical" issues. That's basically just a publicist's way of dressing up "cokey problem" in a crisp white button-down shirt and shiny pearls. Here's the statement from Demi's spokeswhore:
"Demi Lovato left her tour early this weekend in order to seek medical treatment for emotional and physical issues she has dealt with for some time. Demi has decided to take personal responsibility for her actions and seek help. She is doing just that. [Demi] regrets not being able to finish her tour, but is looking forward to getting back to work in the near future."
A source tells TMZ that a "You need help, bitch" light bulb went off over the Disney chola's head after she got into some sort of fight (aka cut that bitch for the last 8-ball) with a female member of her tour.
I didn't expect Demi to stumble in Lindsay Lohan and Brit Brit's footsteps for at least a couple more years. DAMN. I swear, I'm surprised Disney hasn't opened up "Mickey Mouse's Rehab House for Wayward Hos" so they can make even more fast cash off of the tricks they pushed out on the stroll.
And here's the latest episode in the ongoing "Foolery on Public Transportation" series. If this went down on the free Ontario Mills Shuttle bus in CA, I'd have to get on the phone with some of my chola cousins to tell them to calm down because they are mothers now! But this mess happened on a bus in San Antonio, Texas.
I'm not exactly sure what made chola mommy's exquisite Sharpie brows melt in anger, but she settled it with a punch to the face while holding her baby! And she continues to hold on her baby while beating some ass. This is the art of multi-tasking.
Bitch is making war with one arm, while making motherly love with the other! And I bet her burgundy lipstick (with black lip liner) didn't even smudge. Somebody hand her a "Smile Now, Cry Later" trophy for Chola Mother of the Year. It will look good on the mantel next to her summons from CPS.
They should teach this at Mommy and Me.
Taylor Swift recently went on her Twitter to reveal a beauty secret that might leave her eyeball leaking puss in the near future. Taylor wrote:
I just used a Sharpie as eye liner in the airplane bathroom. about
22 hours ago from Echofon
This was Katy Perry's cue to respond to Taylor with this:
That's so chola of you! RT @taylorswift13: I just used a Sharpie as eye liner in the airplane bathroom.
about 22 hours ago from UberTwitter
Hold up, and the back the Lincoln up! Just because she used a Sharpie does not mean we need to start calling her La Bisojo or Squint Girl. If Taylor wants to earn her chola name, she needs to take that Sharpie and paint twin black rainbows over her eyes. Like this:
You see what a difference a Sharpie brow makes. Now I finally can see why she won all those damn Grammys.
via Hollywood Life
Baby Smiley continued her mission of turning all of us into chola beauties by taking her Sharpie to Sandra Bullock's eyebrows on Lopez Tonight last night. Sandra agreed to the chola makeover, because she said she wanted to become "more Latin." I was waiting for my abuelita's chankla to hit her and George Lopez in the mouth after that was said.
When Sandra came out as "La Nalgona," an oldies song didn't play in my head and I didn't flinch like a hot razor was about to slice my cheek open. You know, Sandra's canvas just doesn't have what it takes to pull off the chola look. Sandra looked more like a deflated Michaela Romanini:
And if you can't look like a chola who can give a ten-week hickey in five seconds, then you might as well look like Michaela Romanini. So Sandra should keep up the makeover.
Below is a clip of Sandra's transformation from a plate of boiled watercress to the homegirl version of Michaela Romanini:
(Thanks to all who sent this in)
This is the cover for Kelly Clarkon's newest single "Already Gone." Hopefully, Kelly Clarkson got that fancy chola tear drop for murdering these jeans.
I won't be surprised if one of my cholita cousins end up in urgent care this weekend after trying to recreate this look using a hot glue gun and a rhinestone. Chola beauty is pain.
Here's also some promo shots from the video. I wish Kelly would've stuck with the theme of the cover by wearing pleated Dickies and a wife beater.
After this picture was taken, a single drop fell from the sky and splashed on the lid of that chola beauty's McDonald's iced coffee (con leche). It was Michael Jackson shedding a tear from heaven, because he was so moved by these exquisite eyebrows. I'd like to think that Michael cared about eyebrows as much as I do. They're important!
Danny Noriega, the MiserAlba look-alike from American Idol, has unleashed a new video to the world and it's a homemade wreck! Do DOS machines still exist, because this shit might have been made on one. Aw. I shouldn't say that. This wasn't homemade. I'm sure it was shot at the finest music video booth Six Flags has to offer. The effects are spellbinding. Danny's video features every standard MS Windows screensaver. That has to be a first.
Who is this Diamonique person? I bet you her real name is Crystal and she's a part-time "sales associate" at Wet Seal. Danny had to let her be in the video, because she provided the wardrobe. You know how that goes. But Danny made one huge mistake. Where is his gorgeous cholita mother? Everything Diamonique did (or didn't) do, Danny's gorgeous cholita mother could have done better! When are her perfect eyebrows going to get their time in the spotlight?
As for the song, I'm so glad this didn't come out when I was 16. I would've been bobbing my ass to this at the all-ages club thinking I was it.
Somebody in this world hates Kellie Pickler and that someone did her make-up yesterday for some fashion show. Bitch looks like she just gave a rim job to the Pillsburgh Doughboy and really got fucking into it. Just put her face in there and motorboated his butt. Motorbutted.
The thing is. This shit could've been saved easily with a few strokes from a Sharpie. Color in those eyebrows, line those lips and bitch would've looked like a gorgeous chola I used to hang out with in high school. We called that hot bitch Casper. She had two babies by the time she was 16, so homegirl was really friendly.
Here's more of Kellie and her Wino nose with JLove in NYC yesterday.
This is 23-year-old Christina Raines, the new fiancee of Drew Peterson. Most of you bitches know, but Drew is the 54-year-old piece of trash with a head like a walrus' ass who is a suspect in his fourth wife's disappearance and whose third wife suspiciously died in a bath tub.
This is what I don't understand. Why would Christina put her gorgeous chola eyebrows in any kind of danger? She obviously loves them like a Hostess fruit pie. It's obvious that she spends hours in front of her magnifying mirror with tweezers, an eyeliner pencil and a lighter. I know I talk about how cholas love their Sharpies, but classy ones, like the kinds I hung around, melted the tip of an eyeliner pencil with a lighter and used that to apply their gorgeous eyebrows. That shit is an art! Cholitas put razors in their hair just in case someone tried to fuck with their amazing eyebrow work!
Not only does Christina have magnificent brows, but she also is a waitress at T.G.I. Fridays! She must get a discount on Mudslides or some shit, right? Why would you want to fuck with your discount? I'm being serious.
Hopefully, the power from her beautiful eyebrows eventually wakes her the fuck up.