Cholas

This is the cover for Kelly Clarkon's newest single "Already Gone." Hopefully, Kelly Clarkson got that fancy chola tear drop for murdering these jeans.

I won't be surprised if one of my cholita cousins end up in urgent care this weekend after trying to recreate this look using a hot glue gun and a rhinestone. Chola beauty is pain.

Here's also some promo shots from the video. I wish Kelly would've stuck with the theme of the cover by wearing pleated Dickies and a wife beater.

After this picture was taken, a single drop fell from the sky and splashed on the lid of that chola beauty's McDonald's iced coffee (con leche). It was Michael Jackson shedding a tear from heaven, because he was so moved by these exquisite eyebrows. I'd like to think that Michael cared about eyebrows as much as I do. They're important!

(Thanks Yasmine)

Danny Noriega, the MiserAlba look-alike from American Idol, has unleashed a new video to the world and it's a homemade wreck! Do DOS machines still exist, because this shit might have been made on one. Aw. I shouldn't say that. This wasn't homemade. I'm sure it was shot at the finest music video booth Six Flags has to offer. The effects are spellbinding. Danny's video features every standard MS Windows screensaver. That has to be a first.

Who is this Diamonique person? I bet you her real name is Crystal and she's a part-time "sales associate" at Wet Seal. Danny had to let her be in the video, because she provided the wardrobe. You know how that goes. But Danny made one huge mistake. Where is his gorgeous cholita mother? Everything Diamonique did (or didn't) do, Danny's gorgeous cholita mother could have done better! When are her perfect eyebrows going to get their time in the spotlight?

As for the song, I'm so glad this didn't come out when I was 16. I would've been bobbing my ass to this at the all-ages club thinking I was it.

VIA Vote For The Worst

Somebody in this world hates Kellie Pickler and that someone did her make-up yesterday for some fashion show. Bitch looks like she just gave a rim job to the Pillsburgh Doughboy and really got fucking into it. Just put her face in there and motorboated his butt. Motorbutted.

The thing is. This shit could've been saved easily with a few strokes from a Sharpie. Color in those eyebrows, line those lips and bitch would've looked like a gorgeous chola I used to hang out with in high school. We called that hot bitch Casper. She had two babies by the time she was 16, so homegirl was really friendly.

Here's more of Kellie and her Wino nose with JLove in NYC yesterday.

This is 23-year-old Christina Raines, the new fiancee of Drew Peterson. Most of you bitches know, but Drew is the 54-year-old piece of trash with a head like a walrus' ass who is a suspect in his fourth wife's disappearance and whose third wife suspiciously died in a bath tub.

This is what I don't understand. Why would Christina put her gorgeous chola eyebrows in any kind of danger? She obviously loves them like a Hostess fruit pie. It's obvious that she spends hours in front of her magnifying mirror with tweezers, an eyeliner pencil and a lighter. I know I talk about how cholas love their Sharpies, but classy ones, like the kinds I hung around, melted the tip of an eyeliner pencil with a lighter and used that to apply their gorgeous eyebrows. That shit is an art! Cholitas put razors in their hair just in case someone tried to fuck with their amazing eyebrow work!

Not only does Christina have magnificent brows, but she also is a waitress at T.G.I. Fridays! She must get a discount on Mudslides or some shit, right? Why would you want to fuck with your discount? I'm being serious.

Hopefully, the power from her beautiful eyebrows eventually wakes her the fuck up.

Source

(Thanks Jennifer)

Kellie Pickler's bare ass face is begging for a gorgeous chola makeover! Kellie reminds me of this white girl in junior high school who hung out with all my cholita friends. Her name was Rebecca, but she made everyone call her ass Ricca (pronounced Ree-ca). She was stunning. She had the Sharpie eyebrows, black lip liner, slick backed hair, oversized Dickies, wife beater, the whole thing... Ricca even painted a tear under her eye to look extra hardcore.

She showed us a scar and said she got it from a knife fight. Ha. We later found out it was just an appendix scar. Dumb bitch! Anyway, Kellie reminds me of her ass. Without make-up, Kellie has major period face, but with just a few Sharpie lines over her eyes and lips, she can be a gorgeous chola beauty!

Below is a preliminary sketch of the chola beauty Kellie can become. Don't be jealous of these Photoshop skills. She's already a million times more glamorous!

Here's Kellie leaving for Iraq from DC today. Kellie probably had a really deep conversation with Obama. Nobody tell her that the Obama she bonded with is made out of cardboard.

Last week The Smoking Gun displayed a bevy of gorgeous mug shots, but these two stopped my mouse dead in its track because of their serious eyebrow game. I bet you the beauty above didn't even do anything wrong. She was just walking the streets, being hot, when a police officer became mesmerized by her glamour and realized a chola beauty like this should not go undocumented. Her mug shot could be on the cover of Vogue, Elle, Seventeen or a package of Sharpies. Ty Ty Banks needs to stop filming the next season of "America's Next Top Model," because I already found her winner right here.

And I'm sure the bitch below was arrested for attack with a deadly gorgeous eyebrow. His nose and mouth are trying to run off his face, because they know that they can't compete with those exquisite eyebrows.

Thanks MO

Last night, I was busy doing hood rat stuff and being gross when I checked my e-mail and found that a few of you whores had written me with the subject: FIGHTING CHOLAS ON AMAZING RACE. I immediately turned on the TV and expected to see those Amazing Race hobags in a Sharpie fight with some gorgeous chola beauties named Smiley Girl or Baby Gigglez. Unfortunately, this was not the case.

They had to fight with wrestling cholas from Bolivia! They were still hot, but all natural and shit. There's a difference. It was still entertaining, but I was a little disappointed that Tina (below) didn't do the challenge. I mean, if you dye her hair dark burgundy and trace her no-brows with a Sharpie, she'll kind of look like one. Her chola name can be La Bitch Face.

Fashion designer Kris Van Assche showed his new collection in Paris the other day and you would never ever guess what his inspiration was. His collection was loosely (very loosely) inspired by gorgeous cholita beauties! The hell?! Kris included teardrop tattoos, tank tops and boxer shorts which he said was influenced by cholitas. I'm sorry, but I don't even get the slightest whiff of a Sharpie in any of these pictures.

Homeboy and I need to take a trip down to Echo Park, CA, so that we can hang with my cousins and he can see what real cholita glamour is. Where's the white wife beater, the hickeys on the cheek and neck, the oversized Dickeys and the nameplate necklace? I see none of that! He could have at least added a "Smile Now, Cry Later" t-shirt. Something! The eyebrows aren't even right. I give him a couple of dildo slaps for trying, but it's not quite there.

Kris, please watch this clip from one of the greatest movies ever made "Mi Vida Loca" and then try again.

Visit Style.com to see more pictures from Kris' Spring '09 collection.

This is a screenshot taken from inside my head. A gorgeous chola (and slightly goth) beauty serving pancakes at IHOP? What more do you need? I could live in this picture for the rest of my days. I just want to curl up in one of those booths, watch that waitress all day long and breathe in the sickly sweet aroma of butter pecan syrup. Beautiful.

And now, I must say how sowwy I am for the lack of posts today and yesterday. I've been trying to fight this raggedy ass cold. I went to the doctor this afternoon and he gave me a lap dance. No, I wish. He's hot. Anyway, he gave me a bunch of party favors, told me to drink more booze and to lay down a lot. Okay, he didn't tell me about the booze part. But it can't hurt? Everyone knows alcohol kills germs.

This means that the weekend will also be pretty light. By the power of Chicken Cutlets, I promise that shit will be back to normal on Monday.

xoMichael K

Thanks for the beautiful picture, Jenni!