Reality TV

JLo was supposed to be the final guest judge on "Project Runway," but she hurt her foot and couldn't make the runway show today. Hey, don't laugh! It must be hard on her poor feetsies having to carry around that four-ton ego every single day. One of her feet finally cried "mercy" and gave in.

She really doesn't need the use of her stupid feet to sit there and judge a fashion contest. Skeletor could've put her ass on a dolly and wheeled her in. It's not like the bitch walks around anyway. Even if her hoof wasn't jacked up, she would've been carried in. I guess this means JLo's not going to compete in a triathlon this weekend. How fucking convenient. She's going to make the Dragon Tales Twins compete in her place.

Tim Gunn replaced JLo as the finale judge. He's better than her ass anyway. Nobody cares about fashion more than Tim Gun! I mean, when he's looking at a dress, he always puts his hand on his chin. That shows that he cares and is really thinking this shit through!

Project Rungay has pictures from the entire show. All six remaining designers showed collections, so there isn't any major spoilers on who the finalists are. I'm totally rooting for that grouchy ass Korto! Have you ever seen her crack a smile? She's my kind!

Sheena the Warrior Princess of Harlem continues to be my favorite ho on Ty Ty's hour of crazy aka "America's Next Top Not-Model."

During last night's judging, Paulina, asked Sheena if she had fake tittays. Instead of saying "none of your beeeeeezwax," Sheena immediately said they were real. But after judging finished, she came forward and admitted they were as fake as that fugly hag Clark. Ty Ty's response was: "I knew they were real." Of course, she knew. Ty Ty's forehead has magical powers. It's all-knowing. I'm surprised Ty Ty didn't tell Sheena how many CCs of silicone she had in her plastic sacks.

The judges all applauded Sheena for being honest even though she lied about it to begin with. Don't worry. Ty Ty doesn't forget. She's going to bring this up later and use it as a reason to eliminate Sheena. It's going to come back to haunt her. The editors will make sure of that.

And let's talk about Hannah, the girl with polar bear shit for brains. Hannah has basically been labeled the "racist" in the house. I don't think she's racist, I just think she's a dumb bitch who was raised by Huskies. I sort of felt bad for her stupid ass when the other girls straight-up asked her if she was prejudiced. But then later, Hannah said that the girls ganging up on her was like "gang rape" and "gang violence." Ty Ty really knows how to pick 'em. I can't wait for the episode where Hannah is forced to pose naked with Isis. It's totally coming.

Below is a clip of Sheen's fake titty question do-over. And visit Top Model LiveJournal to see all the pics from the shoot. Why is Ty Ty's picture always the worst?

Ty Ty's insanity was back in full force on the season premiere of "America's Next Top NOT-Model" last night. She really gets crazier and crazier each season. Next season will have to take place in a mental hospital.

The episode started on what looked like the used set of a cheap Sci-Fi porn movie. This is what happens when Ty Ty spends her Saturday mornings watching old cartoons. It was some "The Jetsons gone drag" shit! And I really hope Miss Jay gave that wig back to the "Village of the Damned" kid he stole it from.

Ty Ty's grand entrance was anything but. She came out of a silver-painted fridge box as "Tyrabot" and played the part of a "robot" for way too long. Suri Cruise rated Ty Ty's performance an F! When Ty Ty was finished with her fuckery, she dragged her two wet nellies to the judges table where we met the never-gonna-be models. I'm just going to talk about my favorite bitches so far.

Annaleigh - This crazy bitch confessed that she was sold to a Saudi prince! She smiled and laughed while telling the story. That bitch should hide under Ty Ty's wig instead of standing there laughing. They are seriously coming for her ass!

Clark - This dumbass is one of my favorites, because I hate her so much. HATE HER. I like feeling extreme rage inside. She makes me want to punch a jelly donut and then rub its sugary guts all over her smug face!

Elina - She's the vegan bi-sexual who will no doubt be forced to pose with fur and dead animals. You know it's coming. I love her, because she scares me. She probably spends her nights eating her own hair while listening to The Cure. I don't think I'm ready to see her make out with Clark. I hope she bites Clark's teeth out.

Isis - Yes, she's the tranny! Of course, bitches started hating on her ass as soon as they found out. But she rose from the tranny ashes and delivered one of the best pictures (which isn't saying much). She's also coming across as the most normal ho in the house.

Joslyn - She's southern. That's all I need to say.

Marjorie - It's Juno! Juno without the baby in her belly. Marjorie is probably the most "modely" girl in the house. Expect her to go far and "find her inner confidence." I just hope they don't eff up her hair!

McKey - This chick fit right in with the sci-fi theme. I was expecting her to zap Ty Ty with her eyes. She's straight out of X-Men. And she's a female boxer. A really weird female boxer. I'm waiting to find out that her "boyfriend" has been living in her basement against his will for the last couple of years.

Sheena - The Asian fly girl from Harlem! I think she really auditioned for "Flavor of Love" but her picture ended up on Ty Ty's desk instead. I can't wait for her to really unleash her "Kimoraness" on one of those annoying bitches. And I'm hoping it's Clark.

Below are pictures of my favorites whores from yet another totally random photoshoot. How the fuck are you supposed to pose "nuclear weaponey." Visit Top Model LiveJournal to see the rest.

Right now I'll say that Marjorie, Isis and Ty Ty will be final 3. Yes, Ty Ty. I think this is the year she's finally going to throw herself in the competition for no reason.

This is going to come as a shock to absolutely no one! Denise Richards' reality caca show "I'm Constipated" has been sent to the glue factory. It's been rumored for a while now that the show was facing cancellation because the ratings were in the sewer. I guess not many people were into watching a hooker robot try and find a fuck buddy for her pet pig. "Pet pig" is not a code word for her vagina. Just clearing that up.

A source confirmed to The Insider (via NY Post), "The numbers started out pretty good - just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode. But the audience has dropped off. "

Denise can now spend her time stalking Charlie Sheen's new fetus.

I am going to miss Irv Richards. He's the pepaw I never had! I'm sure we'll meet again when Denise finds another way to whore out her family.

A new person will get to inhale Paula Abdul's Vicodin vodka breath while judging "American Idol" this season. Singer/songwriter Kara DioGuardi will join Paula, Simon and Randy as a permanent judge when the show returns for its 8th season in January. Eight seasons of Paula's craziness.

Simon Fuller said they originally wanted four judges when "American Idol" started. Why?! They already have around 20 judges if you count all of Paula's personalities.

Simon went on to say, "We are turning the heat up on 'Idol' this year and are thrilled to welcome Kara to the judges' table. She is a smart, sassy lady, and one of America's most successful songwriters. We know she will bring a new level of energy and excitement to the show."

Kara has worked with Kelly Clarkson, Xtina, Gwen Stefani, Celine Dion, Faith Hill, Santana, Carrie Underwears, Brit Brit, Clay Gayken and more.

Personally, I think they should have dumped Simon and Randy. Paula should be the only judge. Just give her an open bar, a shady pharmacist and let her rip!

Somebody should let Kara know that she's only there to showcase Paula's craziness. Therefore, she should disagree with her as much as possible and also insult her dogs. Oh and it will help if she mentions that Bratz movie at least twice a day. In case you have no idea what I'm babbling about, clip below:

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Erica Kane has been announced as just one of the bitches who will dance for some broke ass trophy in "Dancing with the Has Beens" this season. Although, they will have to change the name to "Dancing with the Has Beens and La Lucci...and Cloris Leachman." Yes, 82-year-old Cloris will also shake her grand memaw crotch on the dance floor. Methinks Erica Kane and Frau Blücher will battle it out in the end! It's the year of the memaw. I can feel it.

Even though Kim KardASSIAN effed up her foot last night, she will still dance! Does she realize that the dance floor doesn't have a strip pole? Kim said she didn't cut her foot on a glass coffee table. She cut it on a broken mirror underneath a desk. She said she tried to push away with her foot and got cut up. So I guess it is true. Her fat ass got all the brains.

Here's the rest of the cast with who they are partnered with:

Toni Braxton (with Alec Mazo), singer, 40 - Expect a lot of super slutty costumes.
Lance Bass (with Lacey Schwimmer) ultra gay singer, 29 - Lacey and Lance?! I'm already annoyed.
Ted McGinley (with Inna Brayer) Jefferson D'Arcy, 50 - But can he do the Bundy Bounce?
Cloris Leachman (with Corky Ballas) Frau Blücher, 82 - YES!!
Warren Sapp (with Kym Johnson) NFL sports person, 35 - NEXT!!!
Rocco DiSpirito (with Karina Smirnoff) flaming chef, 31 - So there's TWO gays this season!
Kim Kardashian (with Mark Ballas) amateur porn star with a fat ass, 27 - SKANK!
Maurice Green ( with CHERYL BURKE!!!) Olympic sports person, 34 - Eh!
Misty May-Treanor (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy) Olympic sports person, 31 - Maksim is finally back!
Susan Lucci (with Tony Dovolani) LEGEND!, 61 - THE WINNER!
Jeffrey Ross (with Edyta Sliwinska) comedian, 42 - Heh?
Cody Linley (with Julianne Hough) Disney whore, 18 - No.
Brooke Burke (with Derek Hough) big tittied robot, 36 - First bitch to go!

Fuckity fuck fuck! Just when my brains were starting to forget about that annoying mop head Cheryl Burke, she returns! La Lucci better sweep with the dance floor with Mop Head! And Rocco and Lance are totally going to do the horizontal mambo off the dance floor.

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I applaud ABC for at least being consistent when it comes to choosing the next star of "The Bachelor." They announced that yet another dude who looks like he came from a bag of Wonder Bread will be "The Bachelor" next season.

The 5 of you that watched "The Bachelorette," remember Jason Mesnick as the single daddy from Seattle who had his oatmeal cookie heart broken by DeAnna Pappas on the show's season finale. Jason even got on his little knee and was about to propose marriage to her annoying ass when she stopped him. Well, he's getting a second chance at love. And by "love" I mean he'll choose a girl and they'll be broken up before the finale airs.

The host of The Bachelor, Chris Hanson, said that Jason's 3-year-old son will "have to take center stage." Isn't that lovely? Whoring out your child for the sake of reality TV. White Oprah is so proud. She should audition for this crap. The show is going to need a resident drunk skank who can't stop slobbering all over The Bachelor.

I am so ready to boycott this crap until ABC casts a dude who doesn't have the personality of wet cardboard. I mean, Jason is a nice guy, but that's the problem. He's just nice and boring! He should be selling me life insurance, not starring in a reality show!

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Beth Stolarczyk from "The Real World: Los Angeles" and countless "Real World/Road Rules Challenges" got hitched over the weekend in Santa Monica to some real estate developer named Matt Ciriello. Not only is she a married woman, but she's also carrying a baby Bethasaurus in her belly.

I can't believe that someone actually married this crazy bitch! Did he have a gun to his head? If Tami from The Real World were here, she should scream, "It wasn't not funny!"

Beth told UsWeekly, “I have never been happier in my life. We are over the moon. I was not expecting to be pregnant on my wedding day, but then I’ve always done things a little controversial." Beth's baby girl is due this December.

You better believe pregnancy isn't going to keep her from doing another RR/RW Challenge. She's going to get out there, huge belly and all. Nothing keeps Beth from the cameras!

Page Six reports that 80-year-old pepaw Adam West might join the next cast of "Dancing with the Has-Beens." A source said, "Adam is in outstanding shape. He works out an hour a day and walks with his big dog on his farm in Sun Valley, Idaho." Walks with big dog on farm? Is that code for something I should know about? It sounds sort of sexy.

Adam's rep would not say that nothing is definite. The entire cast will be announced on August 25th. Just add the OG Batman to the long list of skanks who are rumored to be joining the cast. They include Chloris Leachman, Lance Bass, Toni Braxton, Jewel, Ty Murray and Florence Henderson.

Adam, Chloris and Florence are too good for that shit! They should be doing a sitcom together or starring in Werther's Originals commercials. But if Adam insists on doing the show, this should be his opening number:

VIA SOW

During every season of "America's Next Top Model" there's usually at least one girl who Miss Jay and Ty Ty make fun of for looking too trannyrrific. Well, this season when they tell Isis (above) that she looks too "mannish" in pictures, they won't be too far off. You see, Isis is a real life tranny! Although, I'm pretty sure Dominique from last season was the show's first official tranny. There's no way that ho has a vagina.

According to Pazzo Kevin, Isis took part in the "homeless" photo shoot on the show last season. That's the shoot where the homeless teens looked hotter than the actual contestants.

Fucking finally! I've been waiting for Ty Ty to pull out this card. She's had the gayelle, the chick with Aspergers, the twins and now the transgendered girl! You know Ty Ty is going to talk about how she's single-handedly opening the modeling doors for the transgendered community. She's going to cry crocodile tears when she talks about how she's not a tranny, but she knows how it feels to be different, because she was made fun of for being too tall in school. Seriously, she always whines about how life was so hard for her growing up because she was too tall and had a forehead you could see from space. I mean, WTF?

Isis is seriously the one to beat! I'm putting all my Monopoly money on her. Below are some of my other favorite girls who actually look more like dudes than Isis does. If you an eff, you can also visit Top Model LiveJournal to see the rest of the hos from season 11. Yes, season 11. 11 seasons of Ty Ty's craziness.