Reality TV

During last night's episode of "Survivor," Marcus, the floppy peen flasher, kissed Charlie on the shoulder after they won the "hitting fruit" challenge. Hit a fruit, kiss a fruit!

Marcus claims to be straight and Charlie is a big flamer who has already declared his lust for his alliance partner.

Why would Marcus kiss him on the shoulder? Out of all places? If I was Charlie, I'd be fucking pissed. The shoulder is the last place I want to be kissed. Especially since Charlie's shoulder is all dirty and shit.

Maybe Marcus doesn't want to hit Charlie's ass and he's just playing him? I mean, thanks to that little bit of PDA, Charlie will never EVER vote out Marcus. Fuck. Charlie might even take the fall for Marcus in the future. He'll gladly go down for Marcus in order to go down ON Marcus. You can't blame him.

Whatever the case may be, I just hope that if Charlie and Marcus ever got it on in the dark, the producers didn't film it in that night vision shit. I want full-on lights and a sexy soundtrack.

Here's a couple more pictures of these two maybe-lovahs getting friendly. Charlie's eyes are totally telling us, "I'm going to ride this shit."

Source: Square Hippies

Thanks Mike!

The sixth main character of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" is definitely Kim's fucked up, raggedy ass weave-wig-thing. At first, I thought Kim was just wearing a busted weave. And then I figured it was a dime store wig. Now I think it's a combination of both! It's like she just keeps piling fake hair mops on her head. It would take a few Boy Scouts to figure out what's going on up there. Her head is the place where weaves and wigs go to die. A weave graveyard!

Kim claims her "mysterious" sugar daddy doesn't want to be on camera, because he's a celebrity. That's not the reason. He can't be on camera, because he's trapped under that polyester nest! Luckily, he still has his cell phone so he's able to transfer money into her account. The bitch can afford a fugly ass $2,000 birthday cake for her daughter, but won't spend the money to fix her shit!?

Below are a few more pictures of Kim's disastrous hive. Oh and I must thank NeNe for giving the quote of the night: "She didn't say she was sorry. She said 'I apologize.' She didn't say 'I was sorry." There's a big difference.

Great. Here's another show where the horrific word "fierce" will be used over and over again. Tivo needs a "fierce" block feature. FIERCE. Ugh. I die inside.

Ty Ty Banks will produce a spin-off of "America's Next Top Model" starring her two gay book ends, J. Alexander (yay) and Jay Manuel (ewww). The show will be like "How Do I Look?" but without Finola Hughes and waaaaaaaay gayer.

The show called "Operation Fabulous" will follow Mister and Miss Jay as they travel the country and makeover ordinary girls the "ANTM" way. The two fembots will teach hobags how to dress and do their hair and makeup. Basically, normal looking girls will walk away looking like overprocessed aliens from the planet known as TRANus.

Another makeover show is not what TV needs right now. Does anyone remember Jay Manuel's other makeover show "Style Her Famous"? Okay, I was going to make fun of it, but I can't. I watched it, but only because it was so awful. Bitches would ask to look like Halle Berry and they would end up looking like Chuck Berry in a cheap wig.

Daisy De La HOya, the stripper Muppet with mutant vagina lips from Rock of Love 2, is getting her own Vh1 show. Why not? Vh1 is handing these shows out at the free clinic. With every 5th Valtrex refill, you get your very own Vh1 reality show!

Vh1 announced that they are looking for dudes who are willing to put their genitals in danger for "Daisy of Love." A better title would have been "Who Wants An STD?"

The show will follow Daisy as she sucks, fucks, licks and eats through a group of dudes to find "the one":

Millions tuned in to see Rock Of Love 2 runner-up Daisy De La Hoya get her all-access pass to Bret Michaels’ heart denied. Now after being jilted by her supposed Rock of Love, Daisy, is determined to find her one man who will rock her world. Daisy is on a quest for true love and this time she is giving her fans the chance to vie for her love and vote to help determine which contestant makes the cut for VH1’s Daisy of Love Premiering Spring 2009.

Beginning this week, VH1 is giving viewers an opportunity to submit themselves for consideration for the first season of Daisy Of Love. Online users can log on to VH1’s new Daisy Of Love dedicated site at daisyoflovecasting.com. The site will serve as the ultimate spot for fans of the show. Viewers can upload profiles for consideration and vote for their favorite potential candidates. Casting submissions must include an uploaded profile with videos, photos and blog entries. Deadlines for first round submissions are November 14. For more information visit daisyoflovecasting.com.

Heather was ROBBED! If anybody deserves their own show, it's Heather. Daisy Duck and her salty slug lips belong on a strip club stage during the morning-shift, not on their own Vh1 show.

Actually, scratch that. Heather doesn't deserve her own show either. You know who does? The 105-year-old virgin! Vh1 needs to give Clara Meadmore her own reality show.

Fucked up reality show alert! A casting notice has gone out for what sounds like the one of the most desperate, offensive, insane and despicable reality pieces of trash to hit our TV screens in a long time. Basically, it's going to be the greatest reality show ever. Here's the breakdown:

New reality show seeking female celebrity who wants to have a baby but does not have a man in her life. Multiple episode show for major cable network will help her find the ideal sperm donor and then get pregnant. Process will include the finest fertility doctors. All inquiries will be kept private and confidential.

What bitch is willing to get turkey basted on a reality show for a little fame? Holly Madison?! Wait....Wait.... This is just the break that international supermodel Phoebe Price needs to jump into the hearts of every household in America!

In case you missed it, on Thursday's season premiere of "Survivor Gabon," the censors missed a floppy peen poking out of Marcus' boxer shorts. I watched this shit on Thursday night and I missed it! I need to take my dick radar to the fucking shop. It must be busted.

Marcus' sneaky wang just wanted some "air" time. Personally, I think Marcus' magic stick should become the newest member of the tribe. Give that dick its own buff and flaming torch. Oh wait. It has already has its own flaming torch named Charlie. You see, Charlie is the gay lawyer from NYC who basically wants to run free in the fields with Marcus' skin flute. Shit, he wants to play Marcus' skin flute like he's Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. No reed required.

Marcus is straight, but obviously loves a homo slobbering all over his hotness. I have a feeling this isn't going to end well. Charlie gives me Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" vibes. He's going to boil Marcus' bunny. They don't have bunnies out there, do they? Okay. He's going to boil Marcus' elephant dung.

After the jump are some NSFWish shots of Marcus' peen hard at work. I bet that's what Brooke Hogan's crotch looks like when she doesn't tuck properly. JUMP!!!

Round One goes to NBC! Yesterday, a judge ruled that the Weinstein Company cannot move Heidi Klum and her bitches to the Chamomile Tea Network (aka Lifetime) for now. The show is currently shooting its sixth season in Los Angeles. It was supposed to premiere on Lifetime in January.

NBC issued this statement after the judge's ruling: "HAHAHAHA! Take your holiday sweaters and shove them up your dry vaginas!" No, they really said this:

"NBC Universal is pleased that the court granted our motion for a preliminary injunction against the Weinstein Company," the media powerhouse said in a statement.

"The overwhelming evidence demonstrated that the Weinstein Company violated NBC Universal's right of first refusal to future cycles of Project Runway. After hearing all of the evidence, the court issued an order prohibiting the Weinstein Company from taking the show or any spinoff to Lifetime."

Lifetime just said they were "disappointed." Duh. That goes without saying. They paid $150 million for that shit! I hope they kept the receipt.

They will all be back in court on October 15th.

Court shit is so boring. Lifetime and NBC should handle this the glamorous way: CAGE FIGHT! You knew I was going to say that. In one corner we have Meredith Baxter-Burney, Tracey Gold and Valerie Bertinelli. In the other corner we have Rachel "Chupacabara" Zoe, Kim Vo and Tabatha Coffey! Tim Gunn can put on a bikini and be the round card girl!

Last night was the 10-hour premiere of "Dancing with the Has-Beens." It wasn't really 10 hours, but it felt like it. The only reason to watch was for Cloris Leachman and Susan Lucci. They prove once again that we need more elderly ladies on television. First up is Cloris!

82-year-old Cloris brought out her memaw titty sacks and was ready to dance. Okay, she was no Cyd Charisse, but that's not what the show is about! Cloris should have gotten a perfect score for her performance during judging. Cloris got up and close to the judges, putting her old ass leg up on the table, sitting in Carrie's lap and praying to the pepaw judge with the British accent. I thought she was either going to break a hip or pee pee on herself. Well, maybe she did the latter. That's what Depends are for.

When the stupid fuck judges gave her a shitty 16, Cloris got pissed and I think she cursed at the camera. They kept bleeping her out. They knew that angry old people are very unpredictable. Cloris needs to stay on this show! This is just a teaser for the kind of crazy lady shenanigans she's going to bring to this bore fiesta. Viva Metamucil!

Next up is Susan Lucci. Susan dances like a horny MILF on a shit load of painkillers and wine. She's fucking with her eyes, but her body moves so slow. I was getting "Goddess Bunny" vibes from her. That being said, she's the hottest bitch on that dance floor! And how dare that dumb bitch Carrie tell her she needs to eat more food. Erica Kane does not eat food! She eats men and drinks champagne!

Below is La Lucci's performance and above is Crazy Cloris'. Oh and my arch rival Cheryl "Mop Head" Burke still makes my eyeballs menstruate. I even had to replace my mop with a Swiffer Wet Jet, because I couldn't stand looking at it. I HATE CHERYL BURKE!!!!!! If you vote for Cheryl, the terrorists win!

It was makeover night on "America's Next Top Not-Model" yesterday and the highlight of the episode had nothing to do with the chick's reactions to their new shitty hair. It was all about Ty Ty, once again. The woman's community-theater-worthy acting skills are flawless. Can we change the name of ANTM to "The Tyra Banks" show already? Wait. She already has that.

Ty Ty used the makeover episode to fulfill one of her 12-year-old fantasies of playing Snow White AND a fairy godmother. Seeing Ty Ty's gold fairy godmother with shiny sperm-eyes was like watching The Wiz on a bad acid trip. I sat there and surrendered to her insanity. I'm convinced she based her fairy voice on one of the dozens of voices in her head.

This shit was so over-the-top campy that even John Waters thinks Ty Ty should pull it back a bit. There's really no fucking point to her madness and that what makes this boring shit entertaining.

The only makeover that was slightly interesting was Elina's. Ty Ty must hate the bitch, because they screwed her up. She went from looking like a bi-sexual with an unhealthy Shakespeare's Sister obsession to looking like Carrot Top's crotch. The ginge pube mop is not the look.

Below is the first part of the makeover with Ty Ty's Snow White skit. It starts at the 2:00 mark. You know Mr. Jay was pissed he had to play the prince. He soooo wanted to be Snow White. Duh. Look at his hair.

Also, here's the pics of my favorites. Isis needs to work on her tuck. I think I saw a little nut last night. Click here to see all the pics if you give an eff.

The most patient pepaw on reality TV is coming back. Yes, that means his slutty robot daughter, Denise Richards, is also joining him. Denise told UsWeekly that her reality shit show "I'm Constipated" has been renewed for a second season. Yay! Another season of baby whorin' and pig pimpin'!

Denise said: "It's coming back for another season. We start filming in a few months."

She also confirmed that Irv is the real star of the show. "He was driving home on the freeway and a group of girls had him roll down his window and they yelled, 'I love your show!"

That's right. HIS show. Irv is just nice enough to let Denise have a supporting role in it.

Of course, Denise also used the time with UsWeekly, to comment on not commenting about Charlie, his knocked up wife. She said: "I am not commenting on that situation. I hope one day get to a place but I'm not commenting right now."

In case you missed that, she's not commenting. She's not. You know that little c-word was dancing around her tongue, just waiting to pop out. She soooo wanted to blurt, "They're both CUNTS and they're baby is going to be a prostitute tranny!" Hey, she's the one who said it....under her breath. Not me. And it's always bothered me that Denise says "prostitute tranny" instead of "tranny prostitute."