Reality TV

SPOILER ALERT!! Every damn week, The Bachelor promises an OH-SO-SHOCKING rose ceremony. So shocking that you will run to your toilet, stick your head in and try to flush the SHOCKING moments you've just witnessed. Yeah, it's never shocking. Look at the ho above. She's at the supposedly SHOCKING rose ceremony and she's thinking, "This is supposed to be shocking? Wake me." I mean, The Bachelor ended up not giving out a final stupid rose. Basically, he passed me a giant bowl of BIG FUCKING DEAL.

The only thing that would really be shocking is if they finally admitted they were all robot aliens from a far off planet called Pathetica. Well, everyone expect for Stephanie. She is all human and all woman (and all gorgeous eyebrows). I mean, does a robot alien have a beautiful unicorn voice like this:

And only God's hands could have created those gorgeous eyebrows. And by "God's hands" I mean a tweezer and wax strips.

P.S. - Next week's episode features the most SHOCKING rose ceremony of all time and forever!

In Verne's defense, the doll is just his size. But this shit makes me flashback to his retina-killing sex tape. The two screen shots are pretty much the same. Verne needs to learn how to kiss without involving his little lizard tongue. After this shit went down, that plastic baby doll tried to throw itself in a fire.

Verne got sexy with the baby doll while making a movie with his fellow Celebrity Big Brother housemates. Verne had to pretend that the doll was Mutya Buena, who recently quit the show. Verne tells the doll, "Hey, Mutya. I know you wanna leave, but before you go can you just save a spot in bed for me and I will give you some special loving. We don’t have to tell anyone else. Hey - do you want to ride my scooter?" Click here to watch the scene, but I can't guarantee that Chris Hansen won't come up behind you and ask you to talk for a minute. Or that PedoBear will tap your on the shoulder and give you the thumbs up. Seriously, this feels like some pedo shit.

Some viewers of CBB skeeved out by the whole thing and have sent in letters. They said that a "grown man" shouldn't be getting it on with a baby doll. The words "grown man" needed to be italicized and pressed into quotes for obvious reasons.

And after Verne convinces the plastic baby doll not to throw itself in a fire, methinks he's going to marry it and make a million itty bitty plastic babies with it. They are totally going to look like this.

Thanks Rebecca

John McCain doesn't let Cindy do anything fun! He's probably the one who made her go to rehab because her doll popping was starting to make the family dog hide all day in the closet. He's seriously a fun killer! I mean, he wouldn't even let her go on Dancing For Relevancy! Page Six says Cindy was in talks with producers. They probably had Cindy when they promised to pay her in bootleg Vicodin pills from Mexico that come shaped like vitamins. We have a winner!

A source said, "Just before Thanksgiving, Cindy McCain started talks with producers to appear as a dancer on the show. She wanted to do it very badly. But this week, Sen. McCain put the kibosh on it."

John probably really said "No cunt of mine is doing some god-darnit dancing show!" Hey, he likes the cunt word. It's the one thing we have in common.

Seeing Cindy do the Salsa would be enough for me to throw my TV out the window, because nothing would ever TOP THAT. Okay, the only thing that would beat that is watching Cindy do the TOP THAT rap from Teen Witch.

Ray J aka Brandy's little brother aka the crooked-dick motherfucker who busted one in Kim Kardashian's sex tape got his own dating show on Vh1! Vh1 is seriously like my drunk aunt who wreaks havoc at every family reunion. After I'm left picking up the pieces and cleaning up her barf, I think to myself, "This is the last time. There's no way this bitch is continue this fuckery." And what happens the next year? The bitch is unstoppable.

After Flavor of Love 234,876 ended and Rock of Love 12,345 started, I thought there was no way they would do anymore dating shows. But Vh1 has this one, Megan's Trophy Wife and Daisy of Love. The new STDs that will been born out of these shows....... My genitals quiver.

That said, I will be watching all three of these shows. Why? Because it's in my make up.

So it looks like Vh1 is trying to turn Ray J into the next Foofy Foofy with For the Love of Ray J which premieres on February 2nd. It's the same premise as Flavor of Love. Ray J will suck, fuck and muck through 14 uber skanks in hopes of finding one that licks his deformed peen the best, I guess.

You can go on over to Vh1 to see all 14, but I plucked out my favorite 3:

Chardonnay: More like MD 20/20. Chardonnay does have some exquisite eyebrows. But if she ever gets tired of painting them on, she should just shave off a little hair from her sad trail and glue that shit above her eyes.
Danger: Is that a damn rat tattoo on her face?!
Lil' Hood: The pit stains sold me.

I absolutely love that they didn't even bother Photoshopping these hos. This is how I like it. Why hide the dirty?

I mean hit it with your genitals and not hit it with a tree branch covered in nails. You know, I asked myself this question while watching Vh1's latest trainwreck Tool Academy. If you're not familiar with this refined piece of entertainment, let me fill you in.

9 mega mega MEGA mega mega assholes are thrown into a house thinking they are competing for some shit called "Mr. Awesome." Of course, only a DOUCHEBAG (caps for effect) would compete in that mess. It turns out, the 9 pieces of trash are really unwittingly enrolling into Tool Academy, because they treat their girlfriends like caca. They cheat on them, they take their cash, they lie, they talk shit on them, etc...etc.... They compete in a series of challenges with their girlfriends in an effort to de-tool themselves. The dick bag who has had the biggest transformation will win some shit in the end.

This should really should have been called DICKMATIZED, because these chicks have a bad case of it! How could they have not have put their boyfriends' peens in the garbage disposal as punishment for treating them so assy? That's because they are addicted to the dick. Dickmatization is a serious disease!

Okay, so back to the important question. How many would you hit? And be fucking honest! Below is a clip that is so douchy, it is guaranteed to completely clean the dirtiest of vaginas. I am so ashamed to admit that I'd hit 8 out of the 9. I had to give my genitals the evil side-eye every time it got a little tingly when one of the tools took off their shirts. I would even hit Celebrity! I'd put on that Monopoly money boa and take that shit. Ew. I'm so gross.

The only one I wouldn't hit is Josh. I'm sorry, but.... Okay, I'd only let him stick the tip in. That really wouldn't count as sexy times, because his peen is probably the size of an ant leg.

Survivor spoiler alert! You know, being a cunt is something that comes naturally. If you force it, it just doesn't work. You can't wake up one day and say, "I'm going to be a mega cunt!" No, you just are one. You're born with a special gene. The cunt gene! Corinne from Survivor desperately wants the cunt gene, but she just doesn't have it. During last night's Survivor finale, Corinne submitted her application into the Cunt Club by trashing one of the finalists, Sugar, for crying about her deceased daddy.

Sugar's daddy passed away from lung cancer before she went off to do Survivor and because of this, she cried all the time. I mean, all the time. When the wind would blow a different direction, the bitch would start crying. So I wasn't really shocked that Corinne brought this up during the final Tribal Council, but even I cringed when she told Sugar, "The only thing I would vote to give you is a handful of anti-depressants so that no one has to be subjected to your constant crying. Maybe if you got some, it would seem a little more sincere when you are crying about your dead father." And it was so fucking badly rehearsed! I'm surprised Corinne didn't keep looking at her hand to see if she skipped any important disses. Corinne's cunt rant was a major FAIL! When you look like a trailer trash version of Joanie Cunningham, it's hard to pull off the whole Queen Bitch thing. Dumb whore!

I figured Sugar would get a few votes because of Corinne's stupid ass, but she didn't get one in the finals. Pepaw Bob ended up getting most of the votes and winning that shit! I secretly wanted Susie to take it, because that would've been the most random triumph ever. And I'm pissed off that Marcus' floppy peen didn't win fan favorite.

Here's some of contestants during last night's finale. Why do most of them look worse during the live finale? Most of these whores look so much hotter without the make-up, hair gel and extra chunk.

Sugar looks like a low budget Gretchen Mol. Matty looks like an overbaked female-to-male tranny. Randy looks like a serial killer on and off the island, so nothing's really changed with him. And Bob still looks like he smells like popcorn. Seriously, whenever I see Bob, I suddenly get a mad craving for buttered popcorn.

The picture above is what my wet dreams basically looked like when Sam Talbot's season of Top Chef was airing. French fries and Sam! The only thing missing is a hot tub full of mayo.

One of the biggest manwhores of NYC, Sam Talbot, is now wearing a wedding ring. A source close to Sam told People that he got married to some trollop in NYC on November 17th at City Hall. Marrying at City Hall usually means you need a green card or baby is coming.

The source went on to say, "They are madly in love, and he is the happiest man alive to call her his wife."

This doesn't hurt that much, because I pretty much got over Sam after learning that he betrayed me last July. All the pictures I Photoshopped of Sam and me running hand in hand on the beach, canoodling in a French bistro and playing naked Twister have been erased from my computer.

Besides, this is my new Top Chef crush:

I've been going through major withdrawals ever since Bravo's Flipping Out finished airing their second season. My week is not complete without Jeff's flesh worm lips quivering in anger because of some dumb bitch's incompetence. Or Zoila! Oh how I miss Zoila. Unfortunately, this story doesn't really mention Zoila, but I can picture her shaking her head while saying, "Oh...Mr. Jeff...."

Mr. Jeff's bitchy ass attitude has gotten him in trouble again! Jeff renovated a house in the Los Feliz section of Los Angeles and he sort of, kind of built a deck into the backyard of Ashley Jensen and her husband. Ashley was that hot bitch in Extras. She's also in Ugly Betty. When Ashley found out about the deck, Jeff offered her $10,000 to buy the space from her backyard they used. Ashley said a real estate expert claims the space is worth $100,000. And that's when shit went down Jeff Lewis-style!

According to the L.A. Times, Mr. Jeff showed up to Ashley and her husband's house late one night and offered them $30,000. He said that if they didn't take the settlement, he would make them look like royal dicks on his reality show. Ashley turned down his offer and instead filed a lawsuit against him and his partner, Ryan Brown, yesterday.

Ashley and her husband demand that Jeff removes the deck from their property. The lawsuit also states that Jeff's show "involves documenting the rude, outrageous, boorish, offensive, mean-spirited bullying by Jeff Lewis of anyone or anything in his way." Duh. That's why I'm addicted.

Jeff told TMZ that Ashley and her husband are only using his fame "to increase their media exposure and their alleged damages. I have never threatened either of them with physical harm, nor was I abusive or verbally threatening to either of them." He didn't threaten or verbally abuse them? Is this the same Jeff Lewis we're talking about? Did he go to anger management or some shit?

And does this mean that there's going to be a third season of Flipping Out?! I hope that the case of "Jeff Lewis vs. Maggie from Extras" is the grand opener for the next season. Don't move the deck, Jeff! Keep this shit going. Just make sure Zoila and the cameras are there every crazy step of the way.

Double the hep! MTV has replaced Tila Tequila with fauxmosexual twins for their spin-off show "A Double Shot At Hep" which premieres December 9th. The CDC really should have supervised this shit. The whole show should have been shot in a quarantine tent.

Vikki and Rikki, known as the Ikki twins, are former Hooters waitresses who make their living showing off their titties in ass in magazines like Playboy, Fast & Sexy and Import Turner. Now they are paying their rent by pretending to like the chocha!

The Icky whores will live in the same house with 12 straight dudes and 12 lezzies. They will date the same people, but will each pick someone different in the end.

I think I'm going to be sikki. I can't even share a glass with my sister, let alone suck the same dick! This isn't right. These two skanks will be licking on the same tongues, giving raspberries to the same assholes and getting donkey punched by the same dudes. I believe in family togetherness, but this is nasty.

Below is the full trailer. I must go yell at my genitals for getting tingly for the douchebag at the 0:50 mark. The one without the cowboy hat. Ugh. I really should higher my standards, but I can't help it!

This past weekend, two reality show dick bags found themselves in handcuffs after acting the fool at two different bars. First up we have Ace from "Survivor Gabon."

Ace Gordon was voted off to jail on early Sunday morning for getting into a drunken fight at a bar which ended in him hitting a woman and fighting with the cops. So he's a dick off-screen as well as on!

It all started at a bar in Naples, FL where Ace was thrown out of for being a grouchy drunk and getting violent with a chick. The cops were called to take him off to the slammer. Ace resisted arrest and told them he was "famous." Yeah, because that always works. Ace was released later in the day.

I want to slap myself in the nuts for having a crush on Ace. I know, I know. While everyone was off slobbering over Marcus' floppy peen, I was secretly getting tingly in the private area over Ace and his giant dwarf-looking head. I always get the sexy feeling for the dick bags who can't hold their liquor!

Now on to Mary Delgado! On the sixth season of "The Bachelor," Byron picked Mary and the two went off to live in dysfunctional hell. Mary is sort of known for boozing and brawling. She was already busted a while ago for punching Byron in the face. Well, TMZ says she was back behind bars on Saturday for getting tanked and acting like a bitch at Lorina's Cantina in Del Rio, Texas.

The bar called the police because Mary would not leave. She told them it was her "constitutional right" to be there. I love that shit!!!! That's the fucking best excuse ever. I learn all the good shit from reality stars. The next time a bartender complains that I'm too drunk, I'm going to say, "I've never been drunk in my life. I'm a businesswoman. Furthermore, it is my constitutional right to be there."

You have to fight for your constitutional right to paaaaaaartay!

When the cops arrived, Mary became even more annoying. She was thrown into a cop car, which didn't have a backseat cage, and started kicking at the radio. Maybe she didn't like the song that was playing?

Mary was later bailed out of the clink by her battered boyfriend Byron.

You know, Mary needs to leave Byron and become the next "Bachelorette." This kind of drunk ass behavior needs to be documented on a reality TV show. Shame on Mary for doing this shit without cameras rolling!