Glamour

Pull out the spotlight and prepare to fall back into a pool, because glamour has arrived from the backseat of a chauffeured Rolls Royce. This is Oliver Stone and his perfectly manicured jewel of a mother Jacqueline Stone at the Palm Springs Film Festival last night. You know, I just spent way too long posting a million pictures (see below) from last night when all you really needed was THIS! Look at Madame Stone! Those eyebrows are always ready for their close-up at all times, Mr. DeMille! And Madame Stone's natural animal magnetism could breathe life back into any dead monkey!

Why the fuck hasn't Oliver put his mother in every single one of his movies?! Probably because he knows that all films are way too small to handle Madame Stone's STAR POWER. More than likely.

And while I was doing research for this highly important story, I found this Oedipus mess from The Washington Post about Oliver and Madame Stone. Oliver's second ex-wife Elizabeth talks about how Madame Stone taught her son the art of fapping:

"Jacqueline told me" -- Elizabeth mimics a husky-voiced French woman -- " 'He couldn't relax and I had to show him.' I was shocked that she loosed her wiles on a child -- a little, sad, lonely, pitiful figure. So she robbed him of any chance to take possession of his own sexuality."

It's not clear -- from detailed interviews with Elizabeth, Oliver and his mother Jacqueline -- what actually occurred. Elizabeth claims that Jacqueline Stone touched her teenage son's genitals and masturbated him. Jacqueline heatedly denies it. And Oliver offers this account: "I'm not embarrassed by anything in the incident. I was very naive, about 15, and my mother just basically, on a trip to France, asked me: 'Have you ever tried masturbation?' And she told me how to do it. I don't remember that she touched my person. She acted it out. She made gestures in the air."

In any event, Elizabeth theorizes that his mother's raw sexual power over him -- along with his father's hiring a prostitute for him when he was 16 -- seriously damaged his psyche.

"That little boy didn't stand a chance of any sort of normal life," says Elizabeth, who was married to Stone from 1981 until she kicked him out of their Santa Monica house -- over his numerous extramarital flings -- in 1994.

She has since discussed these incidents with him at joint therapy sessions. At one, she recounts, "the therapist's jaw just dropped" when she complained that Jacqueline touched her then 5-year-old grandson's penis in the bath, prompting Oliver to bring up his own strange experience with his mother. "The therapist said, 'In this country, people go to prison for that.' Oliver stormed out of the session shouting, 'You're all screwed up!' " (Oliver contends: "I was very calm.")

Elizabeth, quit being a Betty Schaefer! You are obviously jealous that your beauty doesn't make camera lenses jizz themselves like Madame Stone's does. But seriously, my jaw would drop further too, but it's already on top of my Ikea table from laying eyes on pictures of Madame Stone last night.

I'm just going to let her brows hypnotize those NOT RIGHT images out of my head.

It doesn't matter that I have no idea who this exquisite Leslie (no last name) creature is. Leslie could be a one-hit French pop star who now earns her mortgage singing jingles for Carrefour and once got caught giving a married politician a hand job in the back of a porn theater. Leslie could also be Jaye Davidson's half-sister who stars in Rent the Musical as both Mimi (Tues. - Fri.) AND Angel (weekends only). Or she could be Sheree in a vintage Taylor Dayne wig. It will never matter to me.

Everything I need to know about this goddess she left on the carpet at the Megamind premiere in Paris tonight. LE FACE! LE POSE! LE EARRINGS! LE CATSUIT! LE EVERYTHING!

If Leslie is not giving you life, slap yourself and try again. If that still doesn't do it for you, then here's a few pictures of Brad Pitt (who is letting the goat peek out a bit) and St. Angie. Brad is really working hard to embarrass himself. I mean, wearing baggy leather pants around international legend and style icon LESLIE?!

And no, I really don't know who Leslie is and don't tell me! The mystery keeps the tingles tingling.

If there was ever an image I'd get tattooed to the inside of my eye lids, this would be it. It's the forever glamorous Detective La Toya Jackson and the forever gorgeous La Duquesa de Alba sharing the same frame at the International Horse Fair in Sevilla, Spain yesterday!!! This is like watching a unicorn catch a falling star in its mouth. Now the words "beauty" and "magic" know where to go when they need a shot of inspiration.

You might already be on your knees worshiping this picture while listening to this post via Microsoft Sam. If that's the case, keep bowing! While you do that, I'm going to call my optometrist to ask if he can stain glass this piece of photographic art to my contact lenses.

The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir hung up his polar bear stole and his boa made from bedazzled swan feathers for the night to slip into a Hogwarts uniform that puts the HUFF and PUFF in Hufflepuff. Harry Potter's wand will not stop spitting out the glitter once it gets a piece of this. Pee Weir Herman cast a bretha mortis spell (aka the killing these hos spell) at last night's NYC premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Swallows, and then he gave them life again by popping a hip to pose. Everyone was slytherin' in their pants.

And those who had to clean their mess in the bathroom after laying their eyes on Johnny were: Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, DanRad, Matthew Broderick with his son and Voldemort's mistress, Joey Fatone with his daughter, Precious, Tom Felton, Ralph Fineass, Liam Neeson, The First Drunk of New York, Lourdes Leon and Darren Criss.

The red green carpet at The Latin Grammy Awards is always a field covered with delicate flowers whose petals are touched with the finest crystals found in a Michael's sale bin and they did not disappoint this year. Mostly that's because d'Manti chose to rise out of the lotus flower she lives in and grace us with her presence. d'Manti's website tells me that she's a singer, dancer, actress and born entertainer, and her style tells me that she's the kind of elegant lady who will only address you if you oh-so-gently kiss the top of her hand first.

The top of d'Manti says "third runner-up in Spearmint Rhino's Dancing with the Strippers contest" and the bottom says "Gay Al Reynolds' favorite ridin' outfit." The down south pearl necklace is the perfect touch. And d'Manti has so much glamour to give that she changed into a "Carrie does the Ice Capades" dress and walked the carpet again. I must bow.

And as much as it pains me in the soul to say this, I'm sure the sequins on Charo's gown dimmed in honor of d'Manti when she sashayed by. The Queen of the NIGHT!

Those lucky enough to bask in d'Manti's perfectly manicured beauty were: Jesus Albert Miranda Perez, Skeletor and JLo, CHARO!!!, Elvis Crespo, Hebe Carmargo, Jossie Cordoba, the Cuban Rainbow Brite known as Lucrecia and Paloma San Basiliio.

Looking like he just survived a head-on collision with an American Apparel, a box of Christmas decorations and a flock of gay crows, Bobby Trendy brought his impeccable pose game to Melrose in West Hollywood over the weekend. There was even a costume change! I'm not going to say anything more since it's obvious that you want to spend as much time as possible with the satchel of rhinestones in Bobby's crotch and his dusty buns. Have fun!

Above is Joan Collins wearing a puffy shouldered jacket (puffed up with the hot air of jealousy her arch rivals blow out when she stomps by looking devastatingly gorgeous) on November 3rd in Beverly Hills, July 27th in St. Tropez and June 17th at Ascot. The same jacket, THREE TIMES! That's some ammunition Krystle Carrington is going to shove into the bullet chamber of her silver lady pistol.

Joan Collins is barred by SAG from playing non-wealthy characters because it's just TOO unbelievable, but even she has felt the economy pinch her where it's not right.

The grand dame of luxurious luxury even admitted that never wears her finest jewels during the daytime. Joan sticks with fraudulent gems she buys at TARGET! Joan cooed this out to The View wannabes on The Talk the other day:

"I like to wear things that aren't real during the day. I don't believe in going round with lots of jewelery because you never know someone could come and grab it. A friend of ours in England, one of the richest men in England I read in the papers today, John Caudwell, was just tied up and robbed because, you know, his wife goes around dripping with jewels. You can't do that."

Julie Chen's ass shouted at her, "Yes, shop at Target."

Back to Joan, "Target, yes exactly. I was there yesterday! Although you would never have recognized me."

And the ambassador of glamour also said that a Botox needle has never made wet love to her forehead before:

"I hate needles and don't like the idea of putting poison into my face and I've seen too many women who have had plastic surgery and facelifts and they look horrible."

No comment about that, but back to the Target thing. Imagining Joan glide past the lubricant aisle while holding a red basket like it's a Birkin bag is almost better than the time my cousin asked an employee at Target if she could take an unopened box of Tampax into the bathroom because she really really really needed one at the time. Bitch promised to pay for it afterward. Dude had to go ask his manager, but he never came back. You know he ripped off that red shirt and shouted "I QUIT THIS EVERYTHING" as he walked to his car.

via Daily Mail

Ceiling Eyes has the charisma of a microwaved lima bean and now we know why! Bitch's mom kept it all for herself. After Audrina Patridge was bathed in the red light of death on Dancing with the Scars last night, she went to Beso for her final meal and her mother Lynn drowned her sorrows in everything on the cocktail menu and then some. White Oprah better walk faster, look over her shoulder every ten seconds and schedule an appointment with her chiropractor, because Mama Lynn is coming to snatch her game. Necks will snap!

While smoking a Skydancer outside of the restaurant, a drunken Mama Lynn delivered a poignant monologue where she verbally massacred everyone from Lauren Conrad ("pissy little fashion shit") to the girls on The Hills ("Fucking Hills girls? Hills TRAMPS!"). Mama Lynn then goes on to call her daughter a classy girl who is going on to bigger and better things including a reality show which she's starring in (YES!). If this mess of a speech was a cocktail it would contain Peach Schnapps, the saliva produced from a slur, a wet cigarette butt, whatever kind of wine was on special at Albertson's and a chewed up piece of gum found stuck to a Nine West heel. That cocktail would be called a "Jibby Kibble."

This is my favorite rendition of Rose's Turn EVER! I swear, this is some beautiful shit you usually only see 3 hours after happy hour in the parking lot of a Bennigans in the Valley.

And they say that flowers can't grow in between sidewalk cracks. Well, this is more than a flower, this is a straight up STAR and she's shooting all the way into the air. Happy America!

At last night's For Colored Girls premiere in NYC, Roshumba, a model type who's also a judge on that She's Got The Look mess, showed up looking like her asshole was trying to play a game of Hongray Hongray Hippo with her dress. Wearing Mrs. Brady's honeymoon outfit out in public is one thing, but wearing a dress that sucks to your nalgas and makes those around you think that your no-no could suck the mole off of Blake Lively is another. The only thing I have to say about this is, where did Roshumba get that dress, because Gay Al Reynolds is going to want one in every damn color.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's premiere which doubled as the Super Bowl of eyebrow game. In order: Roshumba and her "look at this power bottom" dress, Janet Jackson with her piece guest, Thandie Newton, Macy Gray, RUBY DEE!!!!, Ashford & Simpson, Phylicia Rashad, Loretta Devine and Patti LaBelle.

Joan Collins sent every Hollywood actress scurrying into their mole holes after she said that most of them can't even hold a candle to one of Ava Gardner's boogers. The wicked witch of glamour also dismissed Jennifer Aniston with a wave of the hand by saying that she's no beauty. Jennifer Aniston's rep said that she would not comment on such nonsense (Translation: Bitch can't physically comment at this time since she's choking on her own tears from being dismissed by Joan Collins).

At the Carousel of Hope Ball on Saturday night, UsWeekly asked Joan about her "Angelina Jolie is gorgeous, but Jennifer Aniston is not" comment. Joan straightened her wig, reapplied her lipstick and cooed:

"The bottom line is that I talked about several actresses, among them Catherine Zeta-Jones, Scarlett Johansson and Megan Fox. Unfortunately, everybody got cut out [except Aniston and Jolie]. Typical. That's the way it goes."

And the bottom of the bottom line is that Jennifer Aniston, Angie Jo, ScarJo, CZJ and Megan Fox should all get in line to kiss the diamond on Joan Collins' finger for the mere fact that their names jumped off of her 24 karat kunt tongue. That is like getting knighted by the queen! Better!