Glamour

Does Dita Von Teese ever dress down? Like ever? Don't get me wrong. I think everyone should just like "Joan Crawford going to a weekday funeral" every single day. But does Dita ever say to herself, "Fuckitall. I'm wearing caca-stained sweats and a torn t-shirt from a car dealership to go work out." This takes effort. She doesn't even de-glam when she's actually working out. There's enough hairspray and make-up there to keep a million Barbie Styling Heads happy.

I also find it kind of funny that she does Pilates. They didn't really do that shit in the olden days, right? They did Calisthenics, hula hooping, jump rope and medicine ball chasing. Shit like that.
They even used a vibrating belt machine or spent a few hours sitting in a sweat box like Lucy did on I Love Lucy. I don't think Pilates was part of their daily shit.

That being said, Dita is hot for being so dedicated to maintaining the glamour.

In this case, do not connect the dots! They are perfect the way that they are. This hot bitch was arrested in Paso County, FL back in September for possession of two stunning eyebrows. Guilty as charged! Okay, she was really busted for possession of a control substance, but I'm sure the real reason the cops brought her was because they were jealous of her beautiful eyebrows and tried to lock them away.

Seriously, this is some creative shit. During the holidays, she can take a Sharpie to them and draw little Christmas trees. On Valentine's Day, she can draw hearts. And on St. Patrick's day, she can draw little four leaf clovers.

This is an example of a crafty bitch turning her methbrows into a work of art!

Source

(Thanks Kev)

The S.S. Queen Aretha docked in NYC last night to perform a special holiday concert for the troops. If I would have known about this shit, I would've joined the Navy as their official fluffer just so I could go to this concert to see the Queen of Chichis with that little hat on her head. I think the dude she got it from is still trapped under her twin Honey Baked Hams. Bitches probably threw several lifesavers his way to get him out, but Aretha kept mistaking them for the minty treats.

MARRIEEED? Noooooooo! Dame Elizabeth Taylor, friend to the gays, went out to dinner last night at The Abbey in West Hollywood looking like she was just wheeled out from the cast photo of Dallas. If anybody else was wearing this outfit, I'd immediately order them to spend a little time with the Fug Girls. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. But this is a legend we're talking about! She could wear a "I Hate Spaghetti Cat" t-shirt and I would still adore her. I'd throw her a couple of side-eyes and lip smacks, but I'd still be one of her devotees. Besides, those pants look extra sexy on her and I'm not fucking being sarcastic.

You know, I'd gladly give up one of my internet porn memberships to be one of Dame Elizabeth's best girlfriends. She probably tells the nastiest jokes. I knew a memaw like her who made me sound like a virgin nun. She also used to give me shit from her house when I said I liked it. Once I told her I liked some ashtray she stole from a Holiday Inn and she told me I could have it! Dame Elizabeth probably does that. You just have to pick up your Oscar, tell her it's so beautiful and shiny....and voila! It's yours. She's perfect.

And when I become a memaw and need to be wheeled around, I really want that hot blonde chick to do it.

Gay Al is going to piss through his no-no when he see this shit! Item #42 on his cum bucket list is to have lunch with Ivana Trump just so she can raise her champagne glass and toast to her "dahling Gay Al." And look who had lunch with Ivana in NYC. Star's wearing Gay Al's dick hunting boots too! Damn, she's cold hearted.

A little birdie should tell Star and Ivana that Alaska is filled with hot eligible hunks who worship fur-wearing memaws. The hunks can be found hanging out behind Governor Sarah Palin's house. The quickest way to attract the hunks is for Star and Ivana to put on their fur coats and gallop around while howling like moose. The Alaskan hunks love that shit!

Dear Beyonce, Brit Brit and all those other bitches who think they know how it's done - This is how it's really done! This is exactly how the world wants to be entertained. Tina Turner is the que-que-que...I can't call her that. The word won't come out. If I do, Queen Aretha will lay one of her chichis over me and I'll disappear forever.

During her "I'm 69 an Oh So Fine" tour, Tina Turner gets her hot ass into her old Aunty Entity outfit and plops Kim Zolciak's weekend wig on her head to perform "We Don't Need Another Hero." This is the shit I need to see. Heaven is probably Tina Turner wearing this outfit singing that song on a loop. That mega hot piece behind her is also there feeding us grapes.

Below are a few more pictures of Tina Turner busting it for the audience at Madison Square Garden in NYC last night. Tommy Girl and his tired robot wifey were in the audience. Tommy was only there to ask Tina how he can get a hold of one of those Aunty Entity costumes. One of Johnny Travolta's fantasies involves him in his Battlefield Earth costume and Tommy as Aunty Entity.

Last week The Smoking Gun displayed a bevy of gorgeous mug shots, but these two stopped my mouse dead in its track because of their serious eyebrow game. I bet you the beauty above didn't even do anything wrong. She was just walking the streets, being hot, when a police officer became mesmerized by her glamour and realized a chola beauty like this should not go undocumented. Her mug shot could be on the cover of Vogue, Elle, Seventeen or a package of Sharpies. Ty Ty Banks needs to stop filming the next season of "America's Next Top Model," because I already found her winner right here.

And I'm sure the bitch below was arrested for attack with a deadly gorgeous eyebrow. His nose and mouth are trying to run off his face, because they know that they can't compete with those exquisite eyebrows.

Thanks MO

I was going through pictures from the Sydney premiere of "Australia" and my mouse immediately skipped over to this beauty and clicked download. It knows what I like, because this stunning creature just made my fucking day!

Her name is Maria Venuti and according to her bio she "is a vivacious personality - and one of great natural warmth and exuberance. Combined with a dynamic singing voice – these traits have made her career as a performer, actor and entertainer highly successful. As one of this country’s leading performers, Maria has played in every major cabaret venue around Australia, New Zealand, the Far East, Japan as well as entertaining our ‘boys’ in the Sinai Desert."

I'm in love. She has everything I look for in a glamorous beauty: serious eyebrow game, butt cleavage and hair that has seen the inside of a Fry Daddy. Yes, I know her make-up looks like it was done by a group of slow clowns while they all jumped on a trampoline together, but the end result is beautiful. She's one to watch.

On the other side of the coin, Hugh Jackman's tragic wife showed up to the premiere looking like a low-rent vintage Phyllis Diller impersonator. She's no Maria Venuti.

Yesterday, I wrote about the £100,000 fairytale wedding of 16-year-old Missy Quinn and 17-year-old Thomas. Missy's daddy paves driveways for a living, but he somehow managed to pay for this lavish affair complete with her £16,000 gorgeous wedding bikini-dress-thing.

Here's a few more pictures from Closer Magazine of the wedding of the year. These pictures just confirm that this is the way all weddings were meant to be. I need to track down the Quinn's caravan, because I must beg them to adopt me into their family. I have to be around this kind of glamour and elegance 24-hours a day.

There's probably an extra black hole in the earth's core from the intense glamour rays this wedding created. I'm surprised the world didn't break in two.

And don't show Chris Hansen or Peta the third thumbnail below.

I've never been one of those whores who dry heave at the sight of bare feet, but I know some skanks who do. I knew some broad who in high school who would seriously start gagging every time she saw a completely bare foot. She could handle if it was in a flip flop, but not if it was just hanging out naked by itself. This bitch had a bad case of foot phobia. She couldn't even fuck a dude unless he wore socks! I asked her once, "Well, would you ever let a dude toe fuck you in the vag?" I thought the ho was going to shower herself with her own vom just to wash away the image of a big toe going into her cooze.

It's a good thing she wasn't at the Carouse of Hope Ball in Beverly Hills last night, because Lara Flynn Boyle kicked off her heels and walked the red carpet like she was fucking Joss Stone. Yeah, her shoes were probably bothering her hooves, but still. Have some consideration for the bitches around you who might suffer from severe foot phobia! I'm surprised Lara even has feeling in her feet, seeing as though she doesn't have feeling in her face. THAT FACE! She used to be the sexiest chick on TV and now she looks like hard silly putty.

Last night's Carousel of Hope Ball looked like "show off your new face night" at the fucking retirement village. There were enough wigs there to keep a tribe of performing drag queens going for years to come! Below are some of my favorite memaws from the night. Don't feel bad if you don't know any of these memaws and pepaws' names, because they probably don't know either.