Glamour

Pop the poppers and heat the oil, because the biggest homo fight since Gay Al vs. Star Jones is about to go down! Remember when Gayken got all cunty and said Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed (but his b-lips tingle)? Well, Glamberace finally let the bitch out of the bag and responded during an interview with Access Hollywood. YES! YES!

The Glittery Prince of the Unicorns said, "I don't know Clay. I'm glad he's getting headlines now though, because he wasn't before. If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him."

Note to Gayken: Glamberace didn't mean the last part LIKE THAT, so wipe the scented Vaseline off your carrot and gerbil hole.

And I hope Glamberace likes Premarin in his eyes, because the Claymates are out for the blood of a unicorn! They already have to deal with desert vagina and now THIS! It's not going to be purdy.

When I first saw this picture of Lesley Vogel, Hayden Panatroll's mama je'e, over at TMZ, my palms got sweaty, my throat closed up and my asshole started to twitch a bit. The latter occurred, because Lesley's nose is so erect. You just want to put a Trojan on it and hop on it. Homegirl has a hung nose!

And those luscious lips! If Mickey Rourke and Lisa Rinna's collagen needles had a dream baby.....

That being said, Lesley is still more glamorous and gorgeous than her daughter. I speak the truth.

Here is the Vaseline-covered beauty at the opening of The Painted Nail in L.A. last night.

You know, one of my life mottos is "You're never too old to peddle that pussay," but Pamela Anderson is doing it wrong. Someone Fabreeze her ass down, because the desperation wafting off of her is starting to reek! AND those eyebrows. I cannot condone that kind of fuggery. It looks like she painted them on with a BIC and not a Sharpie. How dreadful! Somebody give her a caramel square and a cup of Sleepytime tea.

At least Pamela Anderson flashed her moth-eaten crotch for a good cause. Pammy was one of the guests at last night's Life Ball, an annual AIDS charity event in Vienna.

Katy Perry, Sister Sledge, Eva Longwhoria (FOR WHY?!!!!), Fran Drescher, Bill Clinton, Richie Rich and Amanda Lepore also mingled among the rainbow-covered unicorns. Put on your sunglasses before you look at these pictures or else you might get glitter in your eyes.

This is the first trailer for Nine and it kind of has me feeling tingly for a couple of reasons. First, this shit has always been one of my favorite musicals ever and second, Daniel Day-Lewis DANCES! When I watched There Will Be Blood, I immediately thought to myself that it would be so much better if he was singing and dancing around the whole time. I mean, a musical number called "I Drink the Milkshake" would have been spectacular. Since that didn't happen, this is the next best thing.

Nine also stars a bunch of chicks who belong in this movie like Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard, Penny Cruz and Judi Dench. There's also some hos (point at Fergie & Kate Hudson) who must have licked the right taint to get cast. When they hit the screen, that's when I hit the toilet! As for Nicole Kidman, the jury is still out on that bitch. I can't tell from the trailer if she moves her face or not. If she's able to frown even a bit, they should give her every award imaginable. That's a major feat in itself!

This is the gorgeous Casey Ray. Casey is a hairstylist in St. Louis and the other day she was hanging out behind the Chase Park Plaza Hotel waiting for her fiance to get off of work. While Casey was bringing the sexy to the back alley, she noticed something in the dumpster. I know you're wondering why she was looking in the dumpster. My guess is that she was searching for another dead animal to put on her head. I'm joking. She's what beauty is about. ANYWAY, in the dumpster she found a script for the Twilight sequel (all together now: WHERE IT BELONGS). Casey couldn't believe her beautiful eyes!

Casey told Fox News, "When I opened it up and saw the character names: Charlie, Bella, Edward, I was just like, this can't possibly be what I know it to be." After calling her lawyer, Casey decided to turn the script in to Summit, the production company. When she contacted them, they were so touched by her goodwill that they offered her tickets to the premiere as well as an autographed copy of the script by the entire cast.

If you happen to be at the premiere, you better stand back, because once Robert Pattinson lays his eyes on Casey, the world will explode. Hundreds of unicorns will fly out of his magical forest hair and slide down her peroxide rainbow. It will be love. It will be magical. It will be hairy.

Since we're sort of on the subject of gorgeous reverse mullets, here's Casey's hair twin, Kate Gosselin, at Target near her house the other day.

Over the weekend at David Foster's concert in Las Vegas, 62-year-old Cher squeezed her vag into a version of her "Turn Back Time" ho outfit from 1992. Ole' girl shimmed her crotch like a pre-op tranny working for his last layaway payment on a sex change surgery. I say, if dignity is not for you and you don't have the inconties, go ahead and bust it.

With all those rhinestones on her body and face, she looks like she was on the receiving end of a Glamberace jizz shot. You know he cums sparklies.

And because my mind is permanently lying in the gutter, do you think Cher Seal-A-Meal-ed her vagina like she did her face?

And you thought Miss California and Miss Teen South Carolina brought the dumbs? Well, this profound ho right here has trumped their asses! Giosue Cozzarelli, a contestant in Miss Panama 2009, gave the hottest answer ever when asked about her thoughts on a Confucius quote.

If I was her, I would've just shimmied my chichis and thrust my crotch to take the focus off my WTF answer.

Bitch still should have won for her accidental comedy skills alone.

VIA Jezebel

Lily Allen was at Selfridge's 100th birthday party when she came face to face with the glamorous queen of glamour, Joan Collins. Lily Twittered (via The Sun) that when she went to kiss my icon and personal role model on the cheek, Joan responded with, "I don't kiss people I don't know." I think I would've had a seizure from being exposed to such high levels of bitchery and glamour.

Lily should've sniped back at her. Then Joan would've slapped her, stole her man, bought majority shares in her company and then pushed her into a fountain. Really, you haven't lived until you've been destroyed by Alexis Morell Carrington Dexter Rowan Colby.

Here's THE BITCH, with a hot piece and Lily at Selfridges in London the other night.

Trent Reznor returned from the jungles of Mars with a souvenir: this alien beauty who belongs to the intergalactic tribe known as The Bai Lings. Her Earth name is Mariqueen Maandig (Actually, that might be her native name too) and you can see why Trent's peen thumps for her. Mariqueen's eyebrows are taking me to places I've never been before. Jump on them and ride past the stars! I bet if you touch them, you can speak to E.T. Shit, E.T. probably drew them himself.

My wish is that Trent and Mariqueen have ten million gorgeous eyebrow babies, because this is what our planet needs more of.

By the way, do you think Trent dick slaps her brows? Because I would. I know. Too far.

While going through pictures from last night's Broadway premiere of 9 to 5 the musical, my mouse stopped, quickly led my hand to this stunning picture and clicked "save to desktop." That was some Ouija board shit! The spirits were leading me to the promise land and that's exactly what Elizabeth Wilson's eyebrows are. Elizabeth was Roz in the 9 to 5 movie and my soul is full today knowing that she grew up to the be the owner of a pair of truly delicious eyebrows. I just want to put on my eatin' dress and gobble them up. I probably could, because they look like crème brulée. Deeelicious!

And you too can have scrumptious eyebrows like Elizabeth's. Just sprinkle some sugar on top of your brows and take a cooking torch to those suckers. Instant glamour! Summer is all about having caramelized brows. It can take you from day to night!

While Elizabeth's brows were the crown jewel at last night's premiere, the rest of the audience also brought the glamour. If you were in the tri-state area last night, you might have felt an extra pinch in the air. The reason for that is simple: three stars aligned. Jane Fonda, Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin all came back together! That's where they belong!

Here's some pictures from last night of Dolly, Jane, Lily, Swoosie Kurtz, Frank Gifford, Drunky Lee, MAURY and Connie Chung. Oh and I think the last picture might be Nina Flowers, but don't quote me on that!