Glamour

Here we have President Obama, Michelle Obama, Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, his wife and their two teenage goth daughters at the world leaders reception in NYC. GLAMOUR! Oh, how this takes my ass back to the days when we would listen to Morrissey while painting our nails black and covering our faces with baby powder. Yeah, I tried to be goth for a quick minute, but it didn't really work out. I was way too cunty (in a mean girl way) and listened to way too much Ace of Base. I just didn't have that "whole sad dead clown" act down. But the first daughters of Spain do!

This awesome picture of them has actually caused some shit, because Prime Minister Zapatero doesn't allow any of the Spanish papers to run pictures of his daughters. However, once this picture hit the wires it was on the front page of some Spanish papers and in almost everybody's inbox. PM Zapatero shouldn't spaz out. They're just goth girls. They're everywhere. You can see a mob of them in the food court at the mall looking all sullen-like and poking at their coffin purses.

And you know who else was there that night too? The one and only First Lady of Cameroooooooon Chantal Biya!

Ravishing from the top of her lion mane to the tips of her toes. The lioness came out that night and I can hear her exquisite eyebrows ROOOOOAAAAAR! And Chantal knows it. She has a look on her face like "Yeah, I got THIS." AND HOW!

Seriously, that was the party to be at. Chantal Biya and adorable Spanish goth girls! If they had an Andre champagne fountain, that would've been heaven.

When Posh Beckham and RiRi see these pictures of Bill Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel throwing the glitter in Paris, they just need to lock themselves in their room and stay there for eternity. There's no way they will ever be able to compete with this kind of hardcore tranny mess glamour! Game fucking over. Bill has got this!

I mean, a leather turtleneck, Wite-out tipped nails, one of Steve Nicks' old scarves, studded suspenders and a weave that Donna Summer probably coughed up in the 70s.... RAV.I.SHING. I just want to pick him up and use his legs to eat an entire bowl of low mein with. And it would be delicious.

Here's more pictures of Bill making bitches faint at the sight of him in Paris. I also threw in some pictures of Lady CaCa arriving in Bill's home country of Germany today for comparison. CaCa has a look of shame on her face, because she knows that she will never EVER have it like that.

Stacy Haiduk wasn't the only bitch who killed hos on the red carpet last night. No, seriously I think hos really did die of a heart attack after seeing her satanic purssy. Anyway, a bunch of other bitches brought the glamour and they brought it hard! Eff the Oscars! Next to every child beauty pageant on Toddlers & Tiaras, the Daytime Emmys is the most glamorous event of the year! Who needs dignity when you have glamour? Here are just some of my favorites:

Kate Linder (above) - Kate showed up Heather Mills by finding a way to re-purpose every 80s prom and bridesmaid dress found in the dumpster behind a Salvation Army in the San Fernando Valley. This trick looks like one of Elton John's napkins.

Brenda "Well Hello " Dickson - Would you expect anything less from Brenda Dickson? Homegirl queefs out ravishing gowns like this in her sleep! If Chicken Cutlets was attacked by a tranny python, she'd look like this. Perfection.

Judith Chapman - Judith just stopped in to say "hi" while on her way to Bethlehem to give gifts to Baby Jesus.

Sandra Lee - It looks like somebody had too many "Ocean Breeze Cocktails" (aka HYPNOTIQ). Sandra does everything semi-homemade, even her fake tan! Sandra used two parts Tang powder, one part blended down Cheetos and just a splash of Tabasco. Take three shots of any kind of booze that's nearby to get that extra special glow. Delicious.

Susan Lucci - Needs no explanation.

Wendy Williams - Suddenly I have a major craving for honey dew and pork rinds.

Big Bird - The hottest bitch on the carpet. Truth.

The douche duo of the West, John Mayer and Rob Dyrdek, left MyHouse in L.A. last night wearing matching monogrammed velvet smoking jackets and with two pumas (that one was for you, Aniston) on their arms. John said that the ladies weren't their mothers, but their dates. Let's all do the eyeball wave! Roll to the left!

Whatever the case may be, John's lady friend is giving me Lynda Carter fever and has confirmed to us all that dressing like a Dynasty character going to a funeral is always a good idea. When all else fails, ask yourself, "What would Alexis Carrington wear to Krystle's future funeral?"

Before getting into the car, John's date either tripped on her own glamour or was overwhelmed by the piping hot douche fumes in the air, because she went down! Ugh. I hope homecougar is getting PAID.

The Empress of Lucite's nipples are as giving as her heart. Yesterday in Miami, Shauna Sand felt that the beach needed some beautifying, so she undid her bikini top and let her lucite balls work their magic. Instantly, the seaweed on the beach disappeared and the water turned lucite blue. Unfortunately, not everyone was pleased to see Shauna's nips. The sand dollars on the beach slid deep into the ocean, because they knew they could not compete with the almighty lucite one's nipples.

Enough of this teasing, Shauna's nipples of wonder are after the jump. I would recommend looking at these pictures through a tiny hole in a piece of paper or you might be blinded by her raw elegance. Actually, I really do think God was inspired by Shauna's nipples when he created the eclipse. JUMP!!!

This stunning glamour shot should make you dump all your Sharpies into the bottom drawer for another day and pick up a BIC liquid ball point pen for your all your future eyebrow needs. Beautiful teeter-totter brows are the thing (this week).

I'm sure you don't even have to worry about taking a lady razor to your brows to achieve this ravishing look, because they probably fainted and fell off after first glance of this picture.

VIA The Smoking Gun (Thanks Sean)

Jon Gosselin is back at home after getting a fugover at Ed Hardy's House of Early Midlife-Crises. No, Jon was really apartment hunting in NYC, but he really does look like he's just been baptized in douchewater. Doesn't he realize that he's on TLC and not Vh1?! Sorry, Jon, but the diamond *studz* and totally sick t-shirt (that's what the salesperson called it) still won't make you look like you fit in at a frat party. But enough about that bag of dirty tampons. Let's focus on the ravishing creature next to him. Apparently, she is one of the nannies. I die.

Let's call her Yvette. She pronounces it Eeeeeeee-vette. I'm sure Jon and Kate found Yvette working in the dressing room section of a 5-7-9 and knew they had to have this kind of beauty around them at all times. I bet Yvette smells like Aqua Net, Exclamation and bubble gum lip gloss. And you know she still listens to Expose on CASSETTE! The nanny of my dreams.

I hope Yvette is teaching the kids how to obtain the perfect scrunched curl in your hair. Apply gel, scrunch, apply gel, scrunch, apply gel, scrunch.....etc..

Here's more of Jon and Yvette outside of the Gosselin's home yesterday afternoon. What's going on in the 3rd and 4th thumbnail below? After Jon visited Ed Hardy did he stop in at Abuelita's House of Discipline?

St. Angie was on Mah Boo 360 last night, but her appearance was overshadowed by a much more important, relevant and beautiful creature: RICHARD SIMMONS! Of course, the first thing The Silver Fox asked Richard is if he bedazzled his tank-top. You know Mah Boo has a tank like that, but his is not as sparkly so he wanted to know Richard's secret! The truth is, Richard's secret is that he just farts and out comes the crystals! A natural bedazzler in his butt!

This whole clip is so glittery and shiny that you'll walk away looking like Richard farted all over you! Mah Boo probably put duct tape over his precious nipples before Richard came out, because he knew that they would not stop screeching while in the presence of such an icon!

And I need to have a little conversation with Mah Boo about Lady CaCa. He didn't mean it when he said he "liked" her. I'm sure of it. I will convince him while bedazzling his silvah peen with my no-no.

These pictures gave me cotton mouth! Kim Zolciak and her new best homegirl Derrick J sucked the moisture right out of me! Really. Did you think it was possible for a bitch to wear a bedspread from the Waikiki Howard Johnson (circa 1983) quite like that?! You can almost feel the fresh tropical breezes blowing through your hair. Or maybe Derrick's no-no queefed again.

Derrick put on those red pumps and stomped on every ho in the room! Yet another ensemble from him that gave my nipples the hiccups.

And what about Kim?! I think her wig is showing signs of life! She must be feeding it Alpo, because it's looking healthy. Real wigs eat meat! It was also nice of Kim to get her Pound Puppy wig a friend. Just peek at the mangled birds trapped on her ankles. They pecked up the crumbs left by her wig.

Here's a few pictures of Kim at a party she threw with her Real Housewives of Atlanta castmate Kandi Burruss last night. NeNe was a no-show, but Sheree came. There's more pictures at FreddYo! They all might have left their dignity at home, but they did bring the glamour full force!

Pop the poppers and heat the oil, because the biggest homo fight since Gay Al vs. Star Jones is about to go down! Remember when Gayken got all cunty and said Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed (but his b-lips tingle)? Well, Glamberace finally let the bitch out of the bag and responded during an interview with Access Hollywood. YES! YES!

The Glittery Prince of the Unicorns said, "I don't know Clay. I'm glad he's getting headlines now though, because he wasn't before. If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him."

Note to Gayken: Glamberace didn't mean the last part LIKE THAT, so wipe the scented Vaseline off your carrot and gerbil hole.

And I hope Glamberace likes Premarin in his eyes, because the Claymates are out for the blood of a unicorn! They already have to deal with desert vagina and now THIS! It's not going to be purdy.