Glamour

It took me a few nipple pinches and a couple of eye blinks to realize this was Grace Jones in her natural state! I almost didn't recognize her without a broken disco ball on her titties or a sandcastle on top of her head. Even without all that glitter, Grace is perfection. You won't ever catch me saying a bad word about her. If Grace wants to grow out her Chia Pet Pits (see thumbnail #2), she can!

By the way, proof of Grace's powers are in the picture above. Grace is text-messaging with her cooch! Hands are for amateurs.

If it's cold enough for Brit Brit to cover up her hooves in the hides of the Three Wolf Moon's hillbilly cousins (we never talk about them), then why isn't it cold enough for her to cover up pork rinds?! I will never understand. And I will also never understand Brit Brit's choice of boots. Homegirl must be going for some kind of record for being the owner of the largest collection of boots that not even a barefoot crackhead would wear during their darkest (and coldest) hour. Bitch thinks she's Nanook of the North. More like Nanooooo of the NEVER.

If Joan Collins was there, she would pull her hair back in a bun, carefully tie a crisp white napkin around her neck and then gracefully vomit all over Brit Brit's FUGGS.....while sticking her pinky out of course. The truth is from the knees up Brit Brit is glamorous to me. I mean, what's more glamorous than trailer park snatch cutters and a maternity camisole found in a bargain bin at Palais Royal? But Joan would flip her wig over this!

Below is 10-minutes of pure GLAMOUR from Joan's makeover show in the UK. Joan Collins is really saving the world with her advice on how to look like you've just stepped out of a Dynasty episode. Joan is right, we should all look like glamorous glamazons at all times. And we should also only respect people who are covered in satin, diamonds and sequins. If you don't have a Vaseline glow around you, then you aren't worth our time! Joan IS the truth.

And here's more pictures of Brit Brit and her Cheetolings going to the pitcher show yesterday. Save your "THAT BOY IS TOO OLD FOR THAT BINKY" comments. That's how the Spears family does it. Shit, Brit Brit was just weaned off the pacifier herself last year.

Brenda "Why Herro There" Dickson, Jill on Young and the Restless and Phoebe Price's understudy, has been vindicated!!!!!!! Celebrate by shoving a botox cocktail into every one of your pores. YES!

A judge in Hawaii ruled that Brenda was wrongly imprisoned for four months. Brenda was thrown in jail, because she refused to sell or leave the apartment she shared with her husband. The judge in her divorce case sentenced her to the clink for contempt, and she was left with no alimony and no property. But justice has finally prevailed, and a different judge has overturned the divorce ruling.

KITV reports that a judge ruled that Brenda wasn't given a fair trial. The court ruled that the previous judge abused his discretion.

Brenda shouldn't put away her best Talbots suit just yet, because there's a chance her husband could appeal the decision.

Brenda said, "I was ecstatic. It was so dramatic. All of it was illegal, the thing, the whole mess." Brenda's lawyers added, "This is a $5 million divorce case. It's going to make millions of dollars difference for her. It's actually $4.5 million. I've already added it up."

You can now sleep soundly at night since you will no longer have to worry about a glamorous creature like Brenda Dickson living in a studio apartment and wearing generic make-up brands found in the discount bin at Big Lots. THE HUMANITY OF IT ALL!

A woman like Brenda Dickson always wins in the end. First of all, she has the word DICK in her last name. Second of all, she's responsible for high-art like this:

The theme for the day really is balloons on the loose. Katie Price kept with that theme by bringing her twin Harvey heads out in London tonight. I still don't think Katie's boobs are high enough. It's kind of demure. Homegirl should've rang up Snoop Dogg and asked him to hook her tittays up with some hydraulics. That way they could bounce up past her head. Basically, when Katie walks into a room, it should look like two gigantic chichi balls crushing a peacock to death. Need more booooooobs.

Just for the record, I'm sure that wasn't the only peencock laying on Katie's lap tonight.

Here's British socialite Tara Palmer-Tomkinson at an anniversary party for Tatler magazine last night with her titlers out. Yes, Tara looks like Mr. Burns going to a costume party as Kelly Bensimon, but I'm all for showing your nipples, so this works! You know how some bitches say if you've got, flaunt it? Well, I say even if you haven't got it, flaunt it!

Tara better stop threatening me with a good time, because she's about to become my favorite elegant rose of England (I don't mean that, Jodie).

This is how you should dress to ALL events. When you aren't sure what to wear, wear almost nothing! Nipples aren't only meant to be nibbled on in the middle of the morning, they are also meant to be shown off to the public. Keep on, Tara, keep on.

There's really no better way to start my morning than with a visit with the Cleopatara (Queen of DeBile) of our time: Jocelyn Wildenstein. Last night, I was wondering why all the alley cats in my neighborhood were clawing their own eyes out and throwing themselves in front of incoming traffic. I figured Parasite Hilton queefed again. But no, they were mad with hysteria because their QUEEN is in town!

Jocelyn and her main pussy plumper Lloyd Klein hit the streets of NYC last night. And I'm sure dozens of bystanders hit the sidewalk when Jocelyn flashed her rock hard chest nalgas and her gorgeous "bee sting victim" face. Jocelyn's beauty is so intensely hot that she burned half of her own eyebrows off!

At last night's after-party for Good Hair in NYC, CoCo and fellow rapper fucker Amber Rose popped their triple-platinum asses out in unison making everyone's nalgas in the room immediately deflate. There's really only so much ass one room can take!

I'm not really sure what's going on in these pictures. I think we might be witnessing CoCo bust an orgasm while rubbing up against Rosebot. CoCo's camel toe o'plenty probably hit the ground and jumped back up into her crotch area. I need a cigarette.

Detective La Toya Jackson is spreading her knowledge of mystery-solving over in England! La Toya is also there, because she's always wanted to walk the same streets as her personal hero and mentor (in her head) Sherlock Holmes. True story. And while Det. La Toya was walking the charming streets, she probably wondered why the children were throwing Reese's Pieces at her. This should explain it:

And that's a compliment if you think about it, because E.T. in drag was pretty much thee glamorous moment of 1982.

But seriously, I really hope La Toya is over in the UK, because she's working on making my one dream in life come true (I might be exaggerating for dramatic purposes).

The producers of the UK's I'm A Celebrity....Get Me Out Of Here must have hacked into my brain area when it came time to cast this shit. By the way, it's not hard to hack into since the password is "1234" (just like LiLo!).

Britain's Daily Star (via IOL) says the producers are trying to round up Detective La Toya Jackson and Samantha Fox for the cast. Yes, two of the most talented and influential female stars of music (I'm not being sarcastic) sharing the screen together! This will be the greatest pairing since weed and Yo Gabba Gabba!

I mean, can you imagine them doing a jungle acoustic duet of a mash-up of Naughty Girls (Need Love To) and Bad Girl? SOUL EXPLOSION!

And since Toy Fox needs a live audience to witness their high levels of glamour, sources say Mitch Wino (Amy's famewhoring daddy), Tito Jackson, Brian McFadden, Brian Blessed and Nicola T are also in talks to join the cast.

Here we have President Obama, Michelle Obama, Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, his wife and their two teenage goth daughters at the world leaders reception in NYC. GLAMOUR! Oh, how this takes my ass back to the days when we would listen to Morrissey while painting our nails black and covering our faces with baby powder. Yeah, I tried to be goth for a quick minute, but it didn't really work out. I was way too cunty (in a mean girl way) and listened to way too much Ace of Base. I just didn't have that "whole sad dead clown" act down. But the first daughters of Spain do!

This awesome picture of them has actually caused some shit, because Prime Minister Zapatero doesn't allow any of the Spanish papers to run pictures of his daughters. However, once this picture hit the wires it was on the front page of some Spanish papers and in almost everybody's inbox. PM Zapatero shouldn't spaz out. They're just goth girls. They're everywhere. You can see a mob of them in the food court at the mall looking all sullen-like and poking at their coffin purses.

And you know who else was there that night too? The one and only First Lady of Cameroooooooon Chantal Biya!

Ravishing from the top of her lion mane to the tips of her toes. The lioness came out that night and I can hear her exquisite eyebrows ROOOOOAAAAAR! And Chantal knows it. She has a look on her face like "Yeah, I got THIS." AND HOW!

Seriously, that was the party to be at. Chantal Biya and adorable Spanish goth girls! If they had an Andre champagne fountain, that would've been heaven.