Glamour

If you ranked all the greatest supermodels of the world past and present, Phoebe Price would be at the very top and all the other supermodels would be in big pile far, far, far below her. But at the Cannes Film Festival premiere of The Great Gatsby today, Cindy Crawford put her fingers on PP's toes when she sashayed out onto the red carpet looking like this. Cindy Crawford came hard for Chicken Cutlets (that visual, I know) by looking like a Botoxod leather vision in white. Richard Gere's former gerbil handler also gets extra points, because the top of her dress sort of looks like two bedazzled antelopes kissing.

Meteorologists in Cannes reported that today was the first day in the history of weather reporting that there was not one single gust of wind in Cannes. Cindy Crawford's hair just naturally looks like the wind is blowing through it. On the last night of Cannes, Cindy and PP should have a pose-off at the top of the stairs. The world as we know it would never be the same again!

Here's a few others who tried to out-glamour Cindy Crawford tonight. In order after Cindy: Basement Baby, Nicole Kidman (the hell is that hair?), Bai Ling, Carey Mulligan with the Gatsby dudes, Leonardo DiCatchAho with Tobey Maguire and Lana Del Taco with Florence Welch. (Yes, Florence was standing too close to Cindy when that picture of her drowning in her own hair was taken).

Taxi cabs stopped honking, pigeons stopped pecking at other pigeon carcasses, Amanda Bynes stopped hiding her face with her purse and Donald Trump stopped being an asshole for five seconds, because they all stared at Christina Hendricks as she strolled down the street in Manhattan looking like a ginger goddess in sparkly gold shoes. You know passengers gave up their cabs even though she didn't need a ride and traffic stopped. Christina is looking like the kind of power bitch who is coming for your company, your man, your apartment, your vacation house, your 401k, your charge account at Lord & Taylor and your everything else! Who cares if Christina probably choreographed this walk in her hotel room for hours before she came out? This is some fresh out of a vintage Vogue shit and that soulless ghoul Anna Wintour better eat her bangs over this.

And later, Christina Hendricks came out of The Daily Show with her magnificent chichis looking like two sunsets. Bitch closed down the night and then some.

HBO finally released a full trailer for Liberace biopic "Behind the Candelabra" and I think it made me butt birth out a rhinestone-covered baby unicorn. In under two minutes, they gave us sequined vests, gallons of lip gloss, exquisitely applied eyeliner, bubbles, Matt Damon in a white Speedo, feathers, fur, a crystal-encrusted Rolls Royce chariot, gay drama and more wigs than a Knowles family reunion. If there was a close-up shot of a massage therapist's dick, it would look exactly like John Travolta's daily thought process.

And more importantly, the trailer gave us this:

When Rob Lowe puts on a middle-parted long wig he looks like a coked up Princess Stephanie in the middle of an orgasm and who knew looking at that would give me the puckers.

A chorus of squishy sounds was heard at the GLAAD Awards in NYC last night when the beautimous Mama June strolled in and made everyone make sketti sauce in their panties. While showing us what it would look like if Kate Hudson was in Shallow Hal, Honey Boo Boo's maker puckered for the cameras and gave everyone some Like My Body realness. Mama June could've really come out for GLAAD by painting each one of her chins a different color of the rainbow, but she still put other hos to shame.

And those other hos were: Rickie from My-So-Called Life, Snooki, JWoww (looking like eighth runner-up for Miss Plastic Surgery Puerto Rico 1991), Milla Jovovich, Fallen Countess LuAnn with her French piece Davide Schwimmaire, the ageless Bernadette Peters, Sam Champion with his husband, John Leguizamo with his wife, noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker with his wife, Wonk-Eyed Vinny with his piece, Mo Rocca and Carmen Carrera.

Here's Michael Douglas and Matt Damon as Liberace and Liberace's young piece Scott Thorson on the cover of Entertaintment Weekly. My nipples are not secreting rhinestone water, so that tells me that Michael Douglas looks nothing like Liberace in this picture. This looks more like a butch Walter Mercado throwing a fur coat on a young Regis Philbin wax figure.

Michael and Matt play Liberace and Scott Thorson in Steven Sodbergh's Behind the Candelabra, which airs on HBO in May, and they both talked to EW about what it was like transforming themselves into crystal-encrusted beauties. Matt says that one of the most awkward things he had to do for the movie was to get a weekly spray tan since Scott Thorson wouldn't be seen in a metallic thong unless his skin was the same shade as Liberace's gilded cock ring. The other awkward thing Matt had to do was dry hump on Michael Douglas from the back.

As for their sex scenes together (and trust us, the movie has plenty), Damon and Douglas both say that shooting a moment of passion is always awkward, no matter who’s involved. “The scene where I’m behind him and going at him, we did that in one take,” recalls Damon, laughing. “We do it. Cut. There’s a long pause. And then you just hear Steven go, “Well… I have no notes.”

Well, I'm glad that this movie has scene after scene of Michael Douglas getting pounded by Matt Damon while wearing a Mama's Family wig, because that's exactly what's been missing from my life.

Before Catherine Zeta-Jones scared the children by working the Oscar stage like a wigged, horny banshee on the loose during "All That Jazz," she put dozens of hos to shame when she sashayed down the red carpet like RuPaul, Michelle Visage and Santino Rice were sitting at a table in front of her. CZJ looked like Miss Philippines in the final round of Miss Transgender Universe 2013 and I'm pretty sure her dress was made out of the gold parts from a dozen Wonder Woman costumes.

After Michael Douglas and CZJ talked to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, that Frogger-looking motherfucker with Sears Portrait Studio hair snubbed her ass. Oh that was just Seacrest's jealousy showing, because he's just mad that CZJ can steal all of his men with just the wink of an eye. I don't even care that CZJ's face is completely brand new, she was still the epitome of drag eleganza last night.

And my other favorite looks of the night came from Charlize Theron and Jane Fonda. Unless your name is Shauna Sand, Angelyne or Harald Gloockler, I don't like calling you perfect, but Charlize Theron looked pretty perfect last night. Charlize must have a birth make shaped like Donald Trump's head on her inner thigh and one of her nipples must be way fatter than the other, because something has to be wrong with her ass. Also, I just want to get drunk with Jane Fonda and watch her pick up men in the piano bar of a business hotel.

The fame whoring leg move died the day after St. Angie Jo did it at the Oscars and then it woke up and quickly died again when JLo did it, and now it's definitely covered with grave dirt, because Michelle Williams has ended the trend by bringing us a new trend. At the Hollywood premiere of Oz: The Great and Powerful (which sadly isn't about Dr. Oz's eternal search for the perfect banana-shaped shit) last night, Michelle Williams wore a dress that was business in the front and party on the side.

Michelle wore some Prada window panel covered with mirrored flowers and when she turned to the side, she gave hos a peak of her memaw chonies. This works for me, because she can squat a piss out almost anywhere with ease and because you should always look like you're ready for a pool party. I had this friend in high school who wore a bikini under every damn outfit during the summer, because she always wanted to be ready to tan at a moment's notice. Or maybe she was an underage on-call stripper and needed to wear her uniform underneath her clothes at all times. That's possible.

So the side thigh is officially in. Everybody grab your skirts, dresses, pants, culottes, whatever and slit the side of that shit so your side thigh is always showing. I want to see all the side thighs.

Obviously, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz and James Franco didn't get the memo, because they kept their side thighs to themselves last night. But James Franco did float into the premiere on a balloon that was filled with more hot air than him. That's an accomplishment!

Not since Mrs. Slocombe has a British goddess worked a glorious cotton candy mop like this. At the BAFTAs in London tonight, hos of all ages dropped to their knees when Dame Helen Mirren twirled onto the red carpet like the magical nymph she is. Helen Mirren didn't care that the rain drops were threatening to wash away the strawberry Kool-Aid hair dye from her locks. Helen laughed at the rain, twirled, laughed at the rain, posed and then twirled again. Helen is just at the BAFTAs to get drunk on free champagne, make out with her husband in the hallway and dance in the aisles during the commercial breaks. Helen Mirren is like a human ecstasy pill. If I licked her, I'd probably get a sudden craving for orange juice and glow sticks.

Helen told People that she decided to work the Strawberry Shortcake's memaw look when saw Sophie do it on America's Next Top Model:

“I saw it on America’s Next Top Model, so I decided to have a go. I know I won’t win tonight, but I’m going to have lots of fun and celebrate anyway.”

SPOILER ALERT: Helen Mirren didn't win tonight (Emmanuel Riva did!), but I'm sure she just twirled in the audience as Paloma Faith, Thandie Newton, Jennifer Garner, Ann Hathaway, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence watched and secretly wished they could be a 1/100th as hot as she is.

And take cover, because the ego balloon on Tyra Banks' head is going to expand and blow up after she hears that Helen Mirren is taking beauty tips from her.

If you spent time with the post below, then you probably have the taste of fame whore leche in your mouth, so rinse away that nastiness by breathing in the natural beauty of the earth goddess that is Shauna Sand. I mean, Shauna Sand is an elegant piece of parsley with fake chichis and exquisite taste in heels. If you've been looking for the perfect church ensemble that says, "I'm as pure as a drop of saliva off of a baby unicorn's tongue," then take a page from the Empress of Lucite and steal a doily out of a pre-school craft closet and turn it into a dress. As soon as you sashay through the church doors tomorrow, the entire congregation will turn away from the altar and worship at your feet instead.

Here's the most gorgeous creature in every universe with her piece Laurent Homoburger (typo and it stays) gracing Miami with their beauty the other day. You can't tell from these pictures, but every time Shauna Sand's heels touched the ground, a member of the preservation society declared that patch of concrete a historical site. And I used to think that sleeveless Ed Hardy t-shirts were the epitome of tacky, but that appreciator of beauty in the background is making me think otherwise. He obviously knows sophistication and is an authority on elegance if he's taking a picture of Shauna Sand. I will never doubt his taste.

On last night's very special Halloween episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Mama June made Sugar Bear squirt out gallons of panty honey (or maybe, panty marannaise) when she dressed up like Marilyn the Hutt. The 7 year itch has been scratched. Where was a queefing subway vent when we really, really needed one?

via Too Fab