Shauna Sand

....Well, except for that bag of donut grease ogling at the Empress of Lucite. His hairy eyeballs are not worthy of staring at such pristine elegance. He should be on his doughy knees, kissing her lucite footprints. Even the trees and that trash can are staring at Shauna Sand's magnificent beauty. You can't help but not!

Shauna spent an exhausting afternoon at the pool in Miami on Sunday. Seriously, it must be so tiring being that gorgeous. It's good thing I wasn't there. Not only would I have stolen her exquisite lucite heels while she was in the pool, but I also would have downed gallons of that pool water after she got out. That shit is like blessed holy water from the heavens.

During last week's Berlin Fashion Week, fashion label Scherer Gonzalez sent their models down the runway wearing exquisite lucite heels. It's obvious who their inspiration was. It's nice to see that the fashion industry is finally paying home to the Empress of Lucite. Now I don't know about those flowers and shit, but Shauna's elegant style is open to interpretation.

I guess these lucite heels are for the stripper who likes to do crafts in between her lap dances. Or for the hooker who likes to make her own potpourri in between $5 blowjobs.

You know Christian Louboutin is stabbing his dick with a stiletto heel for not coming up with this shit.

Don't even fucking ask which is the beauty and which is the beast. Don't! If you don't know, then you need to immediately stick your head in a dirty toilet as punishment. The Empress of Lucite has no business cavorting with peons like Christian Audigier. The douche is from fucking Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy! If Shauna Sand did go poo poo, she would use his clothes to wipe her extremely elegant ass with.

I mean, look at her! It's like looking at a one-of-a-kind Waterford crystal goblet next to a plastic cup from Big Lots. She should be dining with royalty, not smoking on the streets with commoners. At least she's wearing her exquisite lucite heels. If only I could be one of her exquisite lucite heels for just one day. It would make everything so...clear.

Anyway, Shauna Sand partied with peasants at STK last night. Margaret Cho was there with La Pequena. Okay, that's not La Pequena. It's Selena Luna, but they are probably separated at birth.

The Piv in a v-neck and Sean Penn also showed up. Those two probably fought over which one of them was going to suck on Shauna's scrumptious toes. Her toe jam is probably like fine pate.

Somebody must have gotten a gift certificate to Frederick's of Hollywood for Mother's Day! The dangerously elegant Shauna Sand has ANOTHER new pair of luxurious shoes. I 'm joking. Shauna doesn't buy her shoes at Frederick's. She has this shit custom made in Europe. Italian cobblers spend years perfecting shoes fit enough for Goddess Shauna.

The Empress of Lucite worked the stroll in Hollywood yesterday. She's not listening to music. She's only covering her ears, because the sound of thousands of men begging for her love can be deafening. This bitch is so gorgeous. When she flips her hair, angels faint.

FYI, That's not Tecate The Empress of Lucite is drinking. Shauna Sand made one of her many assistants fill an empty Tecate bottle with Dom Pérignon. The always gracious natural beauty doesn't want the peons around her to feel threatened by her luxurious tastes. Shauna is truly a humble saint.

Shauna graced the crowd of four people at the after-party for "No Bad Days" last night. I'm relieved to see that she's back to wearing her signature fine crystal heels. It's also nice to see Shauna without much make-up on. Seriously, she's barely wearing any! That's how beautiful she is. And that's not lip liner she's wearing, Shauna's lips naturally look like that.

International supermodel and big-screen star Phoebe Denise Price also took time out from her busy schedule of posing with weekly magazines to attend the party. How the room didn't explode from the supreme elegance radiating off of PP and Shauna is beyond me.

The Empress of Lucite has offered us peons a chance to own a piece from her collection of elegant treasures. Shauna Sand is auctioning off an exquisite robe bought from Linens N' Things on the exclusive and private website, eBay. The auction reads:

Playboy Playmate & TV & Film Star Shauna Sand's Size L Pink Frottier Cawo Robe worn during her Playboy Playmate shoot and an amazing one-of-a-kind photo of Shauna modeling the robe just for you autographed by Shauna herself and Certificate of Authenticity! Direct from Shauna's Bedroom to Your Doorstep!

An amazing bonus brought to you by Shauna herself! Shauna is also going to send you a one-of-a-kind photo of her modeling therobe just for you! Shauna has autographed the photo (in real ink!) especially for the winner! This photo can be found nowhere else on the planet!

What a collector's item!

I'm pretty sure Size L stands for Size LUXURY. And what the hell does "real ink" mean? Shauna probably means liquid gold, because that's the only thing she uses to sign things.

This isn't the first time Shauna has put her elegant goods up for sale. A couple of months ago, she tried to sell rocks on eBay! Speaker rocks! I envy the lucky bitch who owns those things.

If Shauna's royal robe isn't under my Christmas bonsai tree this year, I'm going to be livid. You whores better start putting your dimes together, because this auction is going to reach at least $1 million. Luxury like this doesn't come cheap!

Click here to bid! BID!!!!

Thanks Brucie

How do bitches not spontaneously combust from Shauna Sand's ravishing perfection? Her extreme classiness is almost too much for my retinas to bare. You have to wear Blue Blockers to handle this kind of sophistication. How did the dude in the back not blow into a million douche pieces when Shauna opened up her magnificient wings?! He must be made of kryptonite...or lucite.

It doesn't bother me that Shauna is not wearing her exquisite lucite heels. It used to, but then I realized that the exquisite lucite heels don't make Shauna Sand...wait..... Yes, they do. It's fine though, because whatever the hell she's wearing on her feet is just as classy as her lucite heels. Seriously, what are those things?! Did Chinese Laundry have a clearance sale?!

Here's more of Shauna outside of Burger King some extremely expensive restaurant last night. Do you think Shauna smokes powdered diamonds? Probably. Oh and I also threw some Harry Dean Stanton, because homey is looking beat and he needs a little love. Hopefully, Shauna gave him her 4th of July special.

On second thought, Shauna Sand is more than a cougar. She's like a rare white tiger in exquisite lucite heels. Even Dimitri the Lover would take one look at Shauna and say, "This elegant creature is much too elegant for me." Dimitri the Lover would probably explode from Shauna's intense elegance. Seriously, we should send elegant Shauna to destroy Dimitri the Lover once and for all!

Here's Shauna with some gay toy working the streets last night.

What in lip liner purgatory do we have here?! The always expensive-looking Shauna Sand has a new john man. Apparently, his name is Danny Dahan. Hmm....I don't know about this one. He doesn't look like he can quench Shauna's thirst for the finer things in life. Well, as long as his sexy time skills can melt her exquisite lucite heels and curl the wings in her luscious rayon hair, that's all that matters. Shauna has Lorenzo's her own money.

Here's the epitome of elegance and glamour with her new toy leaving Koi last night.

A hot reader just sent in Shauna Sand's yearbook picture from Muirlands Junior High School in La Jolla, CA. Who knew that girl would grow up to become one of the most ravishing beauties in the world! It's amazing what a little Clorox, hair relaxer, moustache wax and a pair of exquisite lucite heels can do!