Shauna Sand

If you didn't go to Sunday mass yesterday, because you were kind of busy worshiping a god of the porcelain variety, you're in luck! This is your holy experience of the week. Looking into the eyes of the Empress of Lucite is just like having a conversation with God. Strangely enough, it's also like having a conversation with an elegant alien swine. Shauna Sand is not only a religious experience, she's an out-of-this-world experience too.

I mean, Shauna's chest area also looks like the River Jordan flowing in between the holy mountains. It doesn't get more spiritual than that.

Here's more of the Empress of Lucite beautifying the beaches of Miami on Saturday. Bow your heads and let us pray....

The elegant one bestowed her beauty upon Miami yesterday without her exquisite lucite heels on her feet. Even soulmates need a break from each other every now and again. Yes, The Empress of Lucite can still float over the sand with bare feet. We really don't know the half of her powers. Besides, I'm sure her exquisite lucite heels were busy feeding orphans in a third world country or rocking the angels in heaven to sleep.

I'm sure you're wondering (not really) why Shauna Sand always changes her bikini when she's at the beach? Well, the truth is that her rays of elegance burns through mortal-made materials, so she has to change frequently. If she didn't, her bikini would burn off and then thousands of people would be blinded by her sheer beauty. Shauna changes her bikini for the sake of humanity!

If you were in Miami over the holiday weekend, you might have noticed extra-sparkly particles of glitter floating in the air. No, it wasn't only cocaine. It was also the lucite dust that floats off of Shauna Sand whenever she glides above the sand.

The Empress of Lucite and her purse handler (who looks like he can't believe it's not butter) spent their Memorial Day beautifying the beaches of Miami. Bette Midler would be so proud. Note to all cities: If you want your beach to make the world's most beautiful list, invite Shauna Sand. When Shauna's exquisite lucite heel starts floating above the sand, every piece of garbage will throw itself into a trash can (humans included) and seaweed will slither back into the ocean.

And every scientist on the planet should immediately travel to Miami and gather up the sand the Empress of Lucite's heel touched, because it definitely holds major healing properties now. One snort of Shauna-blessed sand will suddenly make the un-elegant....ELEGANT!

Even exquisite lucite heels need a day off from spreading glamour to the world. The Empress of Lucite glided through the streets of Los Angeles yesterday without her best friends at her feet. The always-elegant Shauna Sand is still killing hos with her high levels of beauty and sophistication even without her lucite heels! Shortly after the picture above was taken, the car behind her turned into a pile of dust! Hos better grab on to her luscious hair as she takes them to the heavens!

As much as I am happy to see Shauna without that lucite-hating husband, who is this foolio with her? The dude looks like his first love is a flattening iron and his second love is a schweaty b-hole. Where does lucite fall on that list? This is the question.

Here's The Empress and her lube-haired lovah bringing carrot juice to hongray orphans in L.A. yesterday.

Why can't a lucite and crystal Pegasus swoop down from the sky and carry The Empress of Lucite off to a sparkly lucite kingdom in the sky where she will be safe from that beauty-hating monster who is always attacking her pristine face?

Earlier this month, Shauna Sand's husband, Romain Chavent, was arrested after he choked her fragile neck with his beastly hands! Shauna got away from him, but not for long. TMZ says that Romain recently bit her naturally luscious lips so hard that she popped and deflated. Shauna finally got a restraining order against him. TMZ says that in the papers The Empress of Lucite states that Romain "bit my lips as hard as he could, holding me down for 10 seconds, causing severe bleeding and cuts to my lips. He then spit the blood and skin back at me." Romain then held her down "suffocating me with his hands over my nose and mouth for 20 minutes."

How is Romain not marinating on death row?! A crime against Shauna is a crime against us all!

The Empress of Lucite should really go back to Lorenzo Lamas. He treated her like the beautiful lucite flower she is. They were the romance of their time! The stars and the moon aligned when they were in love. If they reunited, wars would end, children would stop crying and the world would be a wonderful place again.

The Empress of Lucite spent her Easter afternoon with her girls and a fellow elegant beauty at Millions of Milkshakes where she launched her own milkshake. No, that's not milkshake in Shauna's mouth in the picture above. Right before this picture was taken, Shauna caught a glimpse of herself in the glass and her mouth jizzed itself at her stunning gorgeousness. Yes, even Shauna's mouth still can't control itself when faced with such high levels of elegance.

Shauna wasn't only there to make a creampie, she also wanted to speak out about her recent domestic abuse situation. As you may know, a hideous monster who hates all things beautiful attacked our Empress. This isn't the first time, but it will be the last! That's what Shauna says. And she also has a message to all women who are involved in an abusive relationship. The Empress can help with her elegant words and factual statistics. Shauna cared so much about delivering this important public service announcement that she forgot to put on actual clothes before she left the house, but she is still the epitome of class and refinement.

Here's more pictures of Shauna and one of her courtesan making her signature milkshake yesterday.

Prayer circle time! Prayer circle time! Make room for the angels and saints, they will be joining us, because The Empress of Lucite is in danger! That monster of a man has whipped her gorgeous ass again! Last December, Shauna Sand's on-and-off-again husband choked and punched at her in front of her children. Romain Chavent was it again this past Monday! I bet you were wondering why the skies were pitch black and filled with tears on Monday (just pretend they were), it was because the most elegant beauty the world has ever seen was in peril!

TMZ delivered the awful news and said the police arrived at Shauna's lucite kingdom on Monday night after Romain attacked her. Shauna said they had an argument which led to Romain biting at her perfect body and shoving her around. Romain was arrested and is currently being held on $50,000 bail.

That piece of shit bastard! I bet he hid all of her exquisite lucite heels, so she would be powerless!

Prezzie Obama, please demand that this beast be put down! He is trying to destroy an international treasure! If lucite forbid, something terrible happens to Shauna, the world would lose all its beauty. Flowers would die. Green grass would turn brown. All kittens would instantly become obese roaches. Every last Mother's Circus Animal Cookie would become a Wheat Thin. Booze would turn into barium liquid . Everything beautiful in this world would become ugly without her. Something must be done!

*Images removed per request*

The most beautifulest creature on this planet we all live in temporarily slipped of her exquisite lucite heels to give back to those less fortunate. Yesterday, the epitome of elegance, Shauna Sand, visited a shoe orphanage on Melrose and gave some needy shoes a reason to go on. In fact, those boots were a pair of old, dusty, worn out UGGS ! When Shauna slipped her precious feet in them, glittered showered from the sky and a thunderbolt hit them. They were reborn! Now they are fit for a queen! Specifically, a queen who hosts bingo once a week at Hamburger Mary's.

And below is The Empress wearing the most elegant dress(?) your eyes did ever see. A dress that was made from the jizz drops of angels! My only wish in life is that Shauna will wear this ravishing ensemble while she's giving the eulogy at my funeral. And by "eulogy," I mean pole dance.

The Empress of Lucite should really write a book on how to be the perfect mother. It would comprise of 3 chapters: "Lucite: It's never too early," "Plastic tittays: It's never too early" and "Playboy: It's never too early."

While gliding through a parking lot on a cloud of lucite yesterday, the always elegant Shauna told TMZ that Playboy has been a big part of her family. Shauna said she's been taking her daughters to the Playboy mansion since they were 4. Shauna then turned to her 9-year-old daughter and said, "Do you want to be in Playboy?? Rip the "Mother of the Century" trophy out of OctoMommy's slimy hands, because we have ourselves a new winner!

If you're a mother and you don't have dreams of your daughter whoring herself out on the pages of Playboy, then you need to go down to the doctor and ask for a jumbo shot of mother's intuition.

Shauna's little daughter's sarcastic response was, "Yeah, a little girl in a magazine with stripper shoes and a bathing suit." Stick a bar of Irish Spring in that little girl's mouth! How dare she talk back to the most gracious and giving mother in the world. Even Mother Nature wishes she was half the mother Shauna is! Poor Shauna! I now see what she's dealing with. She only wants what's best for her daughters and they aren't working with her!

Don't fret, Shauna. One day your daughters will see the lucite and realize they aren't complete until the world can see their titties and bits for $5.99.

The Empress of Lucite was without her exquisite lucite heels yesterday as she picked up dry cleaning. No, it wasn't her dry cleaning. Shauna doesn't need that. When her clothes touch her body, they are magically cleansed. She was picking up the clothes of needy orphans or Jesus. One of them.

Even the most gorgeous and giving woman in the world needs a break from her lucite heels. Besides, her chichis are made of organic lucite, so she's covered. The power of the lucite is always with her.

And before you judge her on that purse, you must know that the stuffed toy leopard its made of sacrificed itself to the Empress, so that he can always be near her. She honored his request by wrapping him around a Chinatown-made LV bag.