Shauna Sand

The Empress of Lucite has made the cover of The National Enquirer's "Most Elegant Women on the Planet" cover. Yes, I know it's about plastic surgery nightmares, but they didn't mean that! They couldn't have. Shauna Sand is perfection personified. That picture was obviously doctored by some evil hater of all things elegant. Shauna's stomach is not capable of looking like that. I'm sure she's tried, because she's sick of being so fucking gorgeous and she wants to fit in with the normal people of the world. I'm telling you. Natural beauty like Shauna's is a curse. The Enquirer didn't even show off her best feature - her exquisite lucite heels! WTF?!

Click here to see other pictures of Shauna in a bikini from that same set. I mean, all you see is perfection? Right? RIGHT?! May you choke on that Baby Ruth you're scarfing down if you didn't answer HELL YES to my question.

Somebody needs to put Shauna in touch with Phoebe Price. PP has been through this before. Do you remember cellugate? Chicken Cutlets will put Shauna in touch with the right "legal management team." She will also get Shauna to deny the claims by going on every TV show from "The Insider" to "QVC's Quaker Factory." The Empress of Lucite's good name must be cleared!

P.S. - Did Phyllis Diller's face finally fall off or is that bacon?

Image VIA Cover Awards

Holy fuck! An Empress of Lucite post directly following a Chicken Cutlet post! If only I had new pictures of Rojo Caliente. That would complete the triangle and Dlisted would explode. Or maybe I would explode? Not sure.

I know what you're thinking, but Shauna Sand meant to dress like a hooker hobo. If she doesn't try and cover up her extreme beauty, hundreds of men would instantly recognize her and beg for her hand in marriage. They would immediately commit suicide once she denied them. Shauna is saving lives by dressing like this. The woman is a saint.

She doesn't fool me. I still see the most elegant woman in the world underneath those rags.

And I also just realized why I adore her exquisite lucite heels so much. It's because they make her look like she's floating above the ground, like the beautiful angel she is.

.....and it's Shauna Sand. The Empress of Lucite was out mingling with her subjects in Hollywood last night. You can't tell from these pictures, but those roses were actually dead before Shauna touched them. She magically brought them back to life.

Last night, Shauna proved once again that she is a true natural beauty. She's like a fresh gardenia in the morning rain. I mean, she hardly woke any make-up last night! I know, it's hard to believe. Shauna is beauty in its most natural state.

Shauna also announced that she is the spokesperson for the extremely exclusive San Manuel Indian Bingo & Casino in Highland, CA. And by "exclusive" I mean anybody can get in as long as you're wearing shoes. And the ads don't do her justice.

Here's more of the most beautiful woman in the world with her secret husband. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pack my things. I'm moving to Highland, CA!

....Well, except for that bag of donut grease ogling at the Empress of Lucite. His hairy eyeballs are not worthy of staring at such pristine elegance. He should be on his doughy knees, kissing her lucite footprints. Even the trees and that trash can are staring at Shauna Sand's magnificent beauty. You can't help but not!

Shauna spent an exhausting afternoon at the pool in Miami on Sunday. Seriously, it must be so tiring being that gorgeous. It's good thing I wasn't there. Not only would I have stolen her exquisite lucite heels while she was in the pool, but I also would have downed gallons of that pool water after she got out. That shit is like blessed holy water from the heavens.

During last week's Berlin Fashion Week, fashion label Scherer Gonzalez sent their models down the runway wearing exquisite lucite heels. It's obvious who their inspiration was. It's nice to see that the fashion industry is finally paying home to the Empress of Lucite. Now I don't know about those flowers and shit, but Shauna's elegant style is open to interpretation.

I guess these lucite heels are for the stripper who likes to do crafts in between her lap dances. Or for the hooker who likes to make her own potpourri in between $5 blowjobs.

You know Christian Louboutin is stabbing his dick with a stiletto heel for not coming up with this shit.

Don't even fucking ask which is the beauty and which is the beast. Don't! If you don't know, then you need to immediately stick your head in a dirty toilet as punishment. The Empress of Lucite has no business cavorting with peons like Christian Audigier. The douche is from fucking Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy! If Shauna Sand did go poo poo, she would use his clothes to wipe her extremely elegant ass with.

I mean, look at her! It's like looking at a one-of-a-kind Waterford crystal goblet next to a plastic cup from Big Lots. She should be dining with royalty, not smoking on the streets with commoners. At least she's wearing her exquisite lucite heels. If only I could be one of her exquisite lucite heels for just one day. It would make everything so...clear.

Anyway, Shauna Sand partied with peasants at STK last night. Margaret Cho was there with La Pequena. Okay, that's not La Pequena. It's Selena Luna, but they are probably separated at birth.

The Piv in a v-neck and Sean Penn also showed up. Those two probably fought over which one of them was going to suck on Shauna's scrumptious toes. Her toe jam is probably like fine pate.

Somebody must have gotten a gift certificate to Frederick's of Hollywood for Mother's Day! The dangerously elegant Shauna Sand has ANOTHER new pair of luxurious shoes. I 'm joking. Shauna doesn't buy her shoes at Frederick's. She has this shit custom made in Europe. Italian cobblers spend years perfecting shoes fit enough for Goddess Shauna.

The Empress of Lucite worked the stroll in Hollywood yesterday. She's not listening to music. She's only covering her ears, because the sound of thousands of men begging for her love can be deafening. This bitch is so gorgeous. When she flips her hair, angels faint.

FYI, That's not Tecate The Empress of Lucite is drinking. Shauna Sand made one of her many assistants fill an empty Tecate bottle with Dom Pérignon. The always gracious natural beauty doesn't want the peons around her to feel threatened by her luxurious tastes. Shauna is truly a humble saint.

Shauna graced the crowd of four people at the after-party for "No Bad Days" last night. I'm relieved to see that she's back to wearing her signature fine crystal heels. It's also nice to see Shauna without much make-up on. Seriously, she's barely wearing any! That's how beautiful she is. And that's not lip liner she's wearing, Shauna's lips naturally look like that.

International supermodel and big-screen star Phoebe Denise Price also took time out from her busy schedule of posing with weekly magazines to attend the party. How the room didn't explode from the supreme elegance radiating off of PP and Shauna is beyond me.

The Empress of Lucite has offered us peons a chance to own a piece from her collection of elegant treasures. Shauna Sand is auctioning off an exquisite robe bought from Linens N' Things on the exclusive and private website, eBay. The auction reads:

Playboy Playmate & TV & Film Star Shauna Sand's Size L Pink Frottier Cawo Robe worn during her Playboy Playmate shoot and an amazing one-of-a-kind photo of Shauna modeling the robe just for you autographed by Shauna herself and Certificate of Authenticity! Direct from Shauna's Bedroom to Your Doorstep!

An amazing bonus brought to you by Shauna herself! Shauna is also going to send you a one-of-a-kind photo of her modeling therobe just for you! Shauna has autographed the photo (in real ink!) especially for the winner! This photo can be found nowhere else on the planet!

What a collector's item!

I'm pretty sure Size L stands for Size LUXURY. And what the hell does "real ink" mean? Shauna probably means liquid gold, because that's the only thing she uses to sign things.

This isn't the first time Shauna has put her elegant goods up for sale. A couple of months ago, she tried to sell rocks on eBay! Speaker rocks! I envy the lucky bitch who owns those things.

If Shauna's royal robe isn't under my Christmas bonsai tree this year, I'm going to be livid. You whores better start putting your dimes together, because this auction is going to reach at least $1 million. Luxury like this doesn't come cheap!

Click here to bid! BID!!!!

Thanks Brucie

How do bitches not spontaneously combust from Shauna Sand's ravishing perfection? Her extreme classiness is almost too much for my retinas to bare. You have to wear Blue Blockers to handle this kind of sophistication. How did the dude in the back not blow into a million douche pieces when Shauna opened up her magnificient wings?! He must be made of kryptonite...or lucite.

It doesn't bother me that Shauna is not wearing her exquisite lucite heels. It used to, but then I realized that the exquisite lucite heels don't make Shauna Sand...wait..... Yes, they do. It's fine though, because whatever the hell she's wearing on her feet is just as classy as her lucite heels. Seriously, what are those things?! Did Chinese Laundry have a clearance sale?!

Here's more of Shauna outside of Burger King some extremely expensive restaurant last night. Do you think Shauna smokes powdered diamonds? Probably. Oh and I also threw some Harry Dean Stanton, because homey is looking beat and he needs a little love. Hopefully, Shauna gave him her 4th of July special.