The Empress of Lucite has raised her white flag and declared that she will no longer fight the release of a sex tape starring her. Shauna Sand was going to go to battle with Vivid Entertainment, but has said that a lawsuit will cost too much, so she has given her blessing for the tape to see the light of the internet. Besides, the Empress of Lucite makes love (on camera....for money....and publicity), NOT WAR!
This means that the Gone with the Wind of fuck videos will be released sometime this week. This also means that I need to make an appointment with the free clinic so that they can check my vitals before I expose my heart to Shauna's coronary-inducing elegance in action. I will probably have to watch it through a tiny hole in a piece of paper while a defibrillator pad is up my no-no, because I don't think I'll be able to deal with it in all its whory glory.
And Richard Heene needs to take notes, because this is how a publicity stunt is done (not really).
The Empress of Lucite is pure of heart so she doesn't notice her so-called friend attacking her with a vicious side-eye. Shauna's friend obviously doesn't know that throwing a shank eye towards the Patron Saint of Elegance has serious consequences. Not only will a pair of exquisite lucite heels refuse to ever touch your feet, but there's a good chance your eyes will stay that way. Imagine having a permanent case of side-eye?! You wouldn't ever be able to look at a peen while you're sucking on it. That would be terrible.
Here's Shauna gliding through the streets of Hollywood last night. Fun fact: Shauna's necklace was brought to her by the angels who told her it was a gift from Coco Chanel herself. When Coco first laid eyes upon Shauna, she was so touched by her beauty that she cried a million tears which created this necklace. Truth!
This week, I won't be spending any money on booze, Twinkies, porn, "massages," anal bleaching, bikini waxes or the good shit (I don't mean that last one). That's because I will need all the coins I get my hands on to spend on the most important auction of ALL auctions! This auction is so important that it even has its own trailer!
The Empress of Lucite has announced that she is giving the world another amazing gift by letting us peons bid on her personal works of art. The auction, which will be held on the ultra-exclusive website known as eBay, will start on October 23rd. The items will include bikinis, pairs of pantyhose, posters and LUCITE HEEEEEEEEELS! Yes, exquisite lucite heels that touched her royal feet. My tinsel Christmas tree will look beyond elegant with a pair of an angel's lucite heels sitting on top.
This is our chance to own a piece of history (along with a few hard-to-get STDs). If I can't pay rent this month, I will tell my landlord that GOD himself (aka The Empress of Lucite's baby voice) ordered to me to spend every last cent on Shauna's masterpieces. If he tries to evict me, I will sue him for religious discrimination. Or something.
VIA Heyman Hustle (Thanks Livia)
The holy bible of sex tapes was supposed to be released to the world today, but it has been pushed back a week due to the Empress of Lucite claiming she never authorized its release. That means you get another full week of eyesight, because once you watch it, you will be blinded by the high-levels of elegance dripping out of her lucite flower. And really, you wouldn't need your eyeballs anymore anyway, because you will never ever witness anything so beautiful again. So it's best that your eyeballs go out with a BANG!
Anyway, TMZ says that Vivid Entertainment swears that Shauna Sand signed a release allowing the tape to see the light of day. However, Shauna is calling the pimps at Vivid of bunch of liars, because she says she never signed it. So Vivid is bringing in a handwriting expert to examine Shauna's signature and declare it authentic.
They shouldn't bring in a handwriting expert, they should bring in a scientist! The real Shauna Sand only signs her name in lucite and angel cum. And if the signature doesn't sparkle in the dark and cause a choir of angels to sing her name, then it's not real.
Start digging my grave and polishing my coffin made out of lucite, because I think I'm about to drop the fuck dead! TMZ gave me a serious case of the vapors by announcing that a Shauna Sand sex tape is about to hit the world! It's going to be the Sistine Chapel of sex tapes! HOLY LUCITE!
On October 19th, the second coming of Jesus (HELL, HERE I COME!) will arrive in the form of a sex tape starring The Empress of Lucite and her current boyfriend. Vivid Entertainment will put it out, but Shauna is trying to stop it from seeing the light of day. Shauna issued this statement:
"Yes I did make a sex tape with my boyfriend earlier this year. In fact I've made several sex tapes, but I certainly didn't sign off on this and Vivid has no right to put it out. I am trying to get a hold of my attorney now."
Shauna knows that the world cannot handle seeing her in all her glory! I mean, imagine Shauna doing sexy times while wearing a pair of exquisite heels. It will cause mass hysteria! Souls will explode, genitals will burst and millions of pairs of exquisite lucite heels will melt! The Empress of Lucite cares about mankind and she's trying to protect us!
Just thinking about it is giving me heart, soul and no-no palpitations.
IMPORTANT UPDATE: And now there's a trailer. I had to watch it with a defibrillator pad up my ass, because it was almost too much for me to bear. (Not safe for those with a weak heart) Click here to see it. And in case you're wondering why it looks so professionally lit, it's because the light from Shauna Sand's lucite oyster shines bright!
Many say (okay, just me) that the sheer existence of The Empress of Lucite is the greatest act of charity that the world has ever known! So the painfully-elegant Shauna Sand going out in public should be enough to award her every Nobel Peace Prize for the rest of our days, but she managed to top herself by giving a dollar to a man in a wheelchair.
If you told me that as soon as Shauna handed over that lucite-blessed dollar, the man jumped out of his chair, ran to the nearest liquor store, bought a lottery ticket, won millions of dollars, met a supermodel and then married her, I'd believe you. Yes, even though Shauna was not wearing her exquisite lucite heels, the power of lucite still lives within her!
And Shauna needs to quickly check her whore, because methinks he's trying to outdo her in the "glamorous and gorgeous" department. There can only be one most beautiful woman in the world and that's Shauna!
The Eiffel Tower was extra sparkly last night, because Shauna Sand clicked her exquisite lucite heels three times and was magically transported from Los Angeles to France! The Empress of Lucite was there, because President Sarkozy realized he made a major mistake by marrying Carla Bruni and asked Shauna to be the new First Lady of France. The true First Lady of France. It's what history intended. NO! The Empress of Lucite was in the city of lights, because her estranged husband Romain (the beauty hater) is on the French version of Big Brother called Secret Story.
While in the house, Shauna's ex has been slapping his buttery skin baguette all over Angie, a ho some bitches think is a Shauna look-alike. I'm sorry, but if the angels don't weep when you pucker your lips and mortal men don't kill themselves when you don't glance their way, you cannot be compared to The Empress of Lucite. No way.
Shauna was there with her new boyfriend, Antoine (who may or may not be a 4-year-old weasel with bad mange), to tell Romain that she has moved on. And Shauna tells him this in fluent French!!!! You haven't really heard the French language until it has passed through Shauna's elegant lips. I think every French speaking slut immediately went mute, because they knew they could never make the French language sound as eloquent or beautiful as Shauna does. It's like I'm gently being butt fucked by a croissant. Pure poetry. Somewhere in heaven, Victor Hugo just cut off his tongue.
Below is a translation from my friend Chloe of Shauna's conversation with Romain:
Host: Do you hear me? Romain, Angie, hello again!
Angie and Romain : Hey!
Host: Oh, you're cute! I've got someone special to introduce you to. She wanted to talk to you. She made a long travel. She comes from LA.
Romain: Ooh la la!
Angie: Gosh! She looks like me!
Shauna: How are you?
Romain: Fine and you?
Shauna: Fine. Are you having fun?
Romain: Yes it's nice, and you?
Angie: She looks like me (Ed. note: Bitch, slap yourself for that!)
Romain : It's huge
Angie: I thought it was me... modified! (Ed. note: BITCH, stop it now!)
Shauna: Yes I'm having fun!
Romain: It's cool then.
Host: Shauna made the trip from LA to talk to you and to make up with you. She has something to tell you tonight
Shauna: Yes, i wanted to introduce you to Antoine.
Romain: I know him, we already met.
Angie: Hey Shauna, I'm glad to meet you.
Shauna: Me too. Pleased to meet you, Angie.
Angie: You're beautiful.
Shauna : You too.
Romain: I wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend, Angie.
Host: So everything is ok. I'll let you gather around for a nice dinner! Thanks for coming to France. Thank you Shauna. Thank you Antoine!
Unfortunately, Shauna did not destroy Angie by simply flipping her hair. No. Shauna has the heart of a million Care Bears, so she would never do that. She couldn't even a hurt a fly. Even if the fly is the gutter tramp version of her.
Earlier I posted the cover of Star magazine with the epitome of elegance on it and now here's the story. You see, Lorenzo Lamas and his chirruns are currently shooting a reality show for E!. Shauna Sand is not a regular on the show, because E! couldn't afford strong enough camera lenses that won't break due to her intense beauty.
In the reality show, which is airing later this year, Lorenzo talks about how he caught his ex-wife Shauna doing sexy times with his son AJ while they were married. AJ was just 18 then and clearly not the hot stick of butter he is now. AJ isn't making my no-no screech in that picture above, but he does kind of like Screech from Saved by the Bell (GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG!).
One of Lorenzo's friends tells Star that Shauna's scandalous affair with his son is the reason why their marriage ended in 2002. The friend added, "Shauna came on to A.J. It was the ultimate betrayal. Lorenzo had no idea; he was in the dark about the whole thing. He thought Shauna was acting like a mom to A.J. He had no clue that she was his son's lover!"
Lorenzo needs to take a bow and stop being so dramatic! It's not like they are blood related. Shauna was just doing the motherly thing by teaching him the birds and the bees first-hand! Lorenzo should be grateful to Shauna! Being kissed on the genitals by Shauna is just like being blessed by the Pope. And with that, the date on my one-way bus ticket to Hell just got moved up!
Finally, the world is beginning to see that all spotlights should be shining down on the shiniest lucite star in the galaxy: SHAUNA SAND! Yes, the Empress of Lucite should be on the cover of Vogue, but the bottom corner of Star Magazine is a start! Today Star, tomorrow Iraqi Vogue!
I'm still sipping on my iced Sanka in my Underoos, so I haven't gone down to the newsstand yet to read this ESCANDALO article yet. I don't know the details, but Lorenzo Lamas only has one son and this is him:
AJ Lamas probably smells like AXE body spray, Irish Spring and screams "HERE COMES THE PARTY" when he busts a nud, but I'd give his skin tampon a raspberry anytime. So I don't blame Shauna for sticking her lucite heel in his b-hole. You would too.
And in case you're wondering where AJ Lamas gets his gorgeous looks, here's his mother Michelle Smith. Now you know.
This is truly the most stunning family of all-time and forever. They look like they were handcrafted by artisans in Switzerland!
The Empress of Lucite's nipples are as giving as her heart. Yesterday in Miami, Shauna Sand felt that the beach needed some beautifying, so she undid her bikini top and let her lucite balls work their magic. Instantly, the seaweed on the beach disappeared and the water turned lucite blue. Unfortunately, not everyone was pleased to see Shauna's nips. The sand dollars on the beach slid deep into the ocean, because they knew they could not compete with the almighty lucite one's nipples.
Enough of this teasing, Shauna's nipples of wonder are after the jump. I would recommend looking at these pictures through a tiny hole in a piece of paper or you might be blinded by her raw elegance. Actually, I really do think God was inspired by Shauna's nipples when he created the eclipse. JUMP!!!