Shauna Sand

*Images removed per request*

The most beautifulest creature on this planet we all live in temporarily slipped of her exquisite lucite heels to give back to those less fortunate. Yesterday, the epitome of elegance, Shauna Sand, visited a shoe orphanage on Melrose and gave some needy shoes a reason to go on. In fact, those boots were a pair of old, dusty, worn out UGGS ! When Shauna slipped her precious feet in them, glittered showered from the sky and a thunderbolt hit them. They were reborn! Now they are fit for a queen! Specifically, a queen who hosts bingo once a week at Hamburger Mary's.

And below is The Empress wearing the most elegant dress(?) your eyes did ever see. A dress that was made from the jizz drops of angels! My only wish in life is that Shauna will wear this ravishing ensemble while she's giving the eulogy at my funeral. And by "eulogy," I mean pole dance.

The Empress of Lucite should really write a book on how to be the perfect mother. It would comprise of 3 chapters: "Lucite: It's never too early," "Plastic tittays: It's never too early" and "Playboy: It's never too early."

While gliding through a parking lot on a cloud of lucite yesterday, the always elegant Shauna told TMZ that Playboy has been a big part of her family. Shauna said she's been taking her daughters to the Playboy mansion since they were 4. Shauna then turned to her 9-year-old daughter and said, "Do you want to be in Playboy?? Rip the "Mother of the Century" trophy out of OctoMommy's slimy hands, because we have ourselves a new winner!

If you're a mother and you don't have dreams of your daughter whoring herself out on the pages of Playboy, then you need to go down to the doctor and ask for a jumbo shot of mother's intuition.

Shauna's little daughter's sarcastic response was, "Yeah, a little girl in a magazine with stripper shoes and a bathing suit." Stick a bar of Irish Spring in that little girl's mouth! How dare she talk back to the most gracious and giving mother in the world. Even Mother Nature wishes she was half the mother Shauna is! Poor Shauna! I now see what she's dealing with. She only wants what's best for her daughters and they aren't working with her!

Don't fret, Shauna. One day your daughters will see the lucite and realize they aren't complete until the world can see their titties and bits for $5.99.

The Empress of Lucite was without her exquisite lucite heels yesterday as she picked up dry cleaning. No, it wasn't her dry cleaning. Shauna doesn't need that. When her clothes touch her body, they are magically cleansed. She was picking up the clothes of needy orphans or Jesus. One of them.

Even the most gorgeous and giving woman in the world needs a break from her lucite heels. Besides, her chichis are made of organic lucite, so she's covered. The power of the lucite is always with her.

And before you judge her on that purse, you must know that the stuffed toy leopard its made of sacrificed itself to the Empress, so that he can always be near her. She honored his request by wrapping him around a Chinatown-made LV bag.

Behold! The Empress of Lucite can do anything with her powerful exquisite lucite heels on. She can walk a Kim Zolciak tightrope, she can waltz over hot coals, she can glide on quicksand and she can even ride a Segway. Wait. When Shauna rides a Segway, its name is automatically changed to a So-Ele-Gant-Way.

I know you're thinking that Shauna should be able to float on her magical lucite heels without a Segway, but again, she has a truly giving heart. Even Mother Theresa up in heaven is astonished by her selflessness. Because she is the Mother Theresa of Lucite, Shauna only used that Segway to give new life to it. You see, Shauna's French slave Romain wanted to rent a Segway so that he could float along with his Empress. When they arrived at the rental place, Shauna was immediately attracted to a broken down Segway. It sat there, sad and defeated. The rental ho said, "You don't want that one! It won't work. It's a piece of shit!" When Shauna placed one of her heels of magic on it, the thing suddenly sprang to life and danced around like it was new again. So Shauna took IT for a ride, so it could feel what it's like to be alive again. Just one more time. It's a touching story, isn't it?

Not only is Shauna the most beautiful and elegant woman in the universe, but she also finds love in her lucite heart for all things including broken down Segways.

The Empress of Lucite's powers have reached a new zenith! Shauna Sand was able to float above the sand without her exquisite lucite heels! I mean, she must have had a lucite pussy plug in her precious oyster, because how else would this be possible? Lucite is her oxygen. And you should also know that these pictures were taken in the dead of night in Miami. But when the most gorgeous woman in the world came outside, the sun peeked out to get one more glimpse of perfection.

Last August, many of you were mystified by Shauna Sand's power to walk on sand in her exquisite lucite heels. HA! Sand is no match for Sand! Just look at the way the little grains of sand jump out of the way when the Empress of Lucite makes her way through. She's like Moses parting the Red Sea (and don't think of periods, because she doesn't get those). Well, if Moses was an elegant and fragile lucite flower with golden hair.

Here is the most naturally beautiful woman in the world floating like the precious angel she is on the beach in Miami today with her dude. Shauna needs to click her exquisite lucite heels together and bring her dude's hair out of 1981.

This Christmas, I decided to make it extra special by printing out a picture of The Empress of Lucite and taping it to the top of our tree. I bet that when I did this, an angel in heaven got its exquisite lucite heels and finally became the elegant beauty its been dreaming of becoming.

Here's the patron saint of lucite and elegance leaving a shelter on Christmas Eve after magically filling the empty stomachs of homeless people by blowing lucite kisses at them. No, she was leaving some hair salon. But I'm sure she was only there to get her clip-on bangs rotated and then she was going to glide right on over to feed the homeless.

Only a beauty-hating monster would harm the Empress of Lucite! Hitting Shauna Sand is like pistol whipping a newborn kitten. Pure evil!

TMZ says that the Empress was granted a temporary restraining order against her husband, Romain Chevent, yesterday after she claimed he did some heinous shit to her! Just reading about the atrocities he committed upon her makes my eyes burn with those tear-things people talk about. I guess this is what crying feels like?

In the documents, Shauna states that Romain hit at her luscious breasts right after she had some titty work done. She also said that he choked, punched and threw her across the room. She got a restraining order against him in 2007, but dismissed it after he promised to change.

The son of Satan also threatened to sell nude pictures of her young daughters! This is what Shauna claims anyway. She says he took them while he was babysitting. Where the fuck was Chris Hansen and the pitcher of iced tea when we needed them most?

Romain must have hid all of Shauna's exquisite lucite heels, because if she had them on she would have been able to float away to safety on a cloud of elegance.

The government needs to step in and do something about this! Fuck a restraining order! He needs to be sentenced to life in prison for attacking one of the world's most beloved treasures. Someone do something about this!

Below are pictures of the lucite-hater. If you see him, it is your duty as a human being to slap him in the teeth and perform a citizen's arrest on him. CITIZEN'S ARREST!

Holy.... If I had a heart, it would have stopped beating after looking at these pictures of the most exquisite and gorgeous creature in the universe and beyond!!! The Empress of Lucite seriously looks like a ravishing crystal mermaid who has come to teach the world what true glamour really is. We should all get on our knees and thank the gods for giving us this priceless gift.

Now, I know you want to run out and buy Shauna Sand's stunning gown, but it's one-of-a-kind, of course. It was made using millions of tiny pieces of lucite and the tears from the angels who weep from the heavens at the sight of her beauty.

Below is our beloved Empress entering a shelter to feed the homeless. No, she's at some club, but it's still charity work! Those peons around her should be on the ground, making themselves a human carpet, so that Shauna's exquisite lucite heels don't have to touch the sidewalk. And I'm pretty sure Shauna's toy fucked up his foot from slipping on the elegance dust that constantly trails behind her.

A whisper of a lucite rainbow breezed into the pumpkin patch in West Hollywood yesterday with her daughter and manservant of the moment. Those are the luckiest pumpkins in the world. They probably fucking turned into lucite carriages when she left. The mice around the patch all fell into comas from being in the presence of such extraordinary elegance! I swear, I just want to shrink myself down and spend the rest of eternity in one of her exquisite lucite heels.