Shauna Sand

The Empress of Lucite is already the most beautiful goddess in the world, erotic cinema superstar, portrait of a doting mother, feminist beacon, Anna Wintour's personal style icon, every flower's inspiration, the only reason why the sun rises and now she can add musical chanteuse to her resume. TMZ posted a tiny clip of the musical masterpiece that will soon go triple Lucite, climb to the top of every chart and also help to spike sales in Valtrex ear drops. This is what it sounds like when doves ORGASM.

The window into elegant's soul (or the "music video" as some you non-worshipers might call it) is called "Everybody Wants to be a Porn Star" and co-stars a Playboy model named Anna Garcia. I'm not even trying to listen to you HATING BITCHES out there who are screaming that Shauna sounds like a baby Paris Hilton practicing her French while having a constipated moment on the toilet. YOU LIE. Shauna coos like a nightingale queefing and you can't tell me otherwise. This exquisite lullaby should replace every church bell and should also be played in all delivery rooms so that every newborn baby immediately knows that the world truly is a beautiful place.

When Charles Perrault wrote the magical tale of Cinderella, these are the pictures that waltzed through his head like a delicate bubble skipping along a sliver of wind. An innocent fair maiden in exquisite slippers made of the finest glass standing in the middle of a patch surrounded by the pumpkins that took her to the royal ball where she hypnotized Prince Charming with her natural beauty...... Yes, this is definitely how the fairy tale is supposed to look, so Disney better dump that stupid little movie they made into the recycle bin and start all over again using these glorious pictures as their inspiration.

Here's a few more pictures of Lucitella sweetly kissing her Prince Charming (to some of us a hot dog is our Prince Charming so go with it) and making her ugly step-sisters jealous by flashing the panties her mouse friends made for her. Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, bitches!

And just like that, Ciara has earned a prime spot in the Empress of Lucite's inner circle. Here's Ciara on the set of her new video showing us that even the most tomboy-ish of day shift strippers can reach the highest levels of elegance by super-gluing a raggedy Chuck Taylor (found wrapped around a telephone wire) to an exquisite lucite heel. This is some MacGyver meets Hookers at the Point shit done right!

Without the lucite, Ciara would look like any other wayward warehouse whore who will let you finger her culito for half a cigarette and a sip of your Bud. But with the lucite, Ciara looks like a royally refined lady who commands you to curtsy before her. Speaking of, study thumbnails #5 and 6 closely to learn the correct way to curtsy (more like "cuntsy").

Now slip on your own lucite heels and give these pictures the respect they deserve by cuntsying before them! Care Bear Stare them with your crotch!

You really can't say shit about the crystal chandelier bukkake Rita Wilson wore on her body to the Emmys last night. This is made of every kind of sparkly YES! How can you throw shade on an ensemble that could keep a million cats entertained for hours? How can you stamp "FUG" on a dress that looks like Liberace's boy catching net? I just want to gently tap a fork on Rita's ass and make a speech about how much I love all of this right down to the "Ode to Shauna Sand" lucite heels!

THOSE EXQUISITE LUCITE HEELS! This is exactly what Shauna Sand's elegant feet look like after she spends a day floating above the burning sand. Oh yes, Shauna's feet sweat IS made of sparkly crystal. And now you know thanks to Rita!

New York is wetter than a Twihard's panties on Edward Cullen's fake born day, and it's obviously due to the fact that the gloriously beautiful Empress of Lucite defied all laws of natures by wearing FLIP FLOPS in Miami this past weekend!!! And not even elegant platform flip flops! Just basic flip flop farted out of the dry asshole of any Big Lots!

This is a sight that makes my eyes (and everything) sore! Actually, my everything was already sore, but let's not tip toe into that topic when there's more important news to deal with!

When Shauna Sand doesn't wear her exquisite lucite stilts to heaven, the angels up above don't have a clear view of her stunning "sculpted by Michelangelo from a block of silicone" face. Because of this, the angels have begun their "We Weep For Lucite" world tour. So you better channel your inner Mike Holmes and start working on your floating shack, because the angels are not going to stop.

Since Dlisted is my personal scrapbook where I collect pictures of Shauna Sand to show the young girl I become in charge of after a distant relative leaves her to me in the event of their death (that was a movie, right?), here's the exquisite lucite one spreading her beauty in Hollywood yesterday.

When my new daughter (I'll rename her Concepcion Lucite) is rolling me a joint, I will show her these pictures and tell her this is what a refined lady looks like. This is what she should perspire (typo and it stays) to become. I'll tell her not to listen to other people who say she needs to get a degree and become a lawyer or some shit. No, all she needs to do is get a pair of exquisite lucite heels and the cheapest bathing suit she can find in the clearance bin at a stripper clothing store on 8th Street. Everything else will fall into place.

And now if you'll excuse me, some annoying ass won't stop knocking on my door. Wait. Can Child Protective Services pay you a visit even if you don't have a kid yet?

Unless you're my neighbor who is staring at me through his window with binoclausrs, you can't tell that I'm dancing in front of my laptop in lucite heels, because God has sent down a virgin dove from heaven to deliver a very important message to the world: THE EMPRESS OF LUCITE IS GOING TO BE ON CELEBRITY REHAB!!!!!!! The clouds in my world had gone dark after Rue McClanahan's death, but a light wrapped in lucite is now shining through.

TMZ says that Shauna has clicked her exquisite lucite heels and is floating to Dr. Drew's rehab facility in Pasadena right now. They didn't say if her addiction is to lucite or elegant ensembles from the Frederick's of Hollywood outlet, but I have a feeling Shauna is just doing this out of the goodness of her saintly heart. Shauna heard that the show is in danger of being sent to the guillotine because they didn't have any big celebrities, so she decided to lend her A-list (DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH!) name so that the show can go on. The Empress of Lucite's heart is as giving as her vagina. The Mother Theresa of porn stars.

Shauna will join a cast that already includes Tila Tequila, Gummi Bear and Jason Wahler. See what I mean? It's like fine caviar fresh out of a beluga's vagina surrounded by rotten pieces of government cheese that have been nibbled on by rabies infested rats.

But Vh1 should really consider changing the name, because Shauna Sand is more than a celebrity. She's nothing short of an angelic goddess with hair that resembles the waterfalls in heaven. So yeah, a name change is needed.

In 20 years when this boy is standing at the altar getting ready to marry a half melted dildo with hair like a scarecrow's nut bush, lips like the swollen anus of a power bottom gorilla and breasts that look like two basketballs made out of salmon jerky, he'll think fondly of the moment he gazed upon the Empress of Lucite and vowed to make a beauty like her his wife one day.

And also in 20 years, I'll be pouring Ensure and blended Mother's Circus Animal Cookies into my feeding tube while a nurse reads me the previous sentence from a book titled: THE WORST SENTENCES EVER WRITTEN IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING. Memories.

Here's Shauna Sand and one of her lucite courtesans, fellow porn star Taylor Wayne, charming a young boy in South Beach yesterday afternoon. This is just like that scene in 8 1/2 where the young Italian boy learns about love from the local beach whore. But instead of local beach whores, the young boy above is learning about love and beauty from the modern day versions of Venus and Aphrodite.

Warning: There's a few bare nipples in the pictures below, so don't be surprised if you suddenly get a craving for grilled pepperonis and goat milk.

Pour the coffee down the drain, put the meth pipe back in your desk drawer and tell your co-worker that they don't need to inject your veins with Red Bull this morning. Who needs any of those things to take them up up and away when you can sip on this sparkling drink of elegance. Yes, you might get HPV warts on your gums and throat, but that's a small price to pay!

Here's the Empress of Lucite looking like a single strand of lavender sprouting out of an angel's asshole. Doesn't she just take your breath away? Again, it could be the genital warts in you throat blocking your windpipe, but she's still the most beautiful woman IN DA WORLD! You know this.

And somewhere in Buckingham Palace, Queen Elizabeth II is sending her styling team into a frenzy, because now they have to find a new outfit for her to wear to church on Sunday.

Haul out the holly, because March 21st is officially my new Christmas! I have already been gifted with pictures of Chicken Cutlets sunning her hot cross buns in Malibu, and now here's pictures of Shauna Sand riding a jet ski like a graceful lucite angel dolphin gliding through clouds made of diamond dust. That's not water splashing. That's the jet-ski orgasming, because it had the epitome of elegance on its back. Cancel church, because here we have the father, the son, and the holy lucite.

Here's more of the Empress of Lucite and her new subservient in Miami yesterday. And you know that I'd lick CHERYL BURKE'S mop head if Shauna commanded me to, but she really needs to send that beat down Louis Vuitton bag to the Natural History Museum already. It's pretty much an artifact.