Shauna Sand

Earlier I posted the cover of Star magazine with the epitome of elegance on it and now here's the story. You see, Lorenzo Lamas and his chirruns are currently shooting a reality show for E!. Shauna Sand is not a regular on the show, because E! couldn't afford strong enough camera lenses that won't break due to her intense beauty.

In the reality show, which is airing later this year, Lorenzo talks about how he caught his ex-wife Shauna doing sexy times with his son AJ while they were married. AJ was just 18 then and clearly not the hot stick of butter he is now. AJ isn't making my no-no screech in that picture above, but he does kind of like Screech from Saved by the Bell (GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG!).

One of Lorenzo's friends tells Star that Shauna's scandalous affair with his son is the reason why their marriage ended in 2002. The friend added, "Shauna came on to A.J. It was the ultimate betrayal. Lorenzo had no idea; he was in the dark about the whole thing. He thought Shauna was acting like a mom to A.J. He had no clue that she was his son's lover!"

Lorenzo needs to take a bow and stop being so dramatic! It's not like they are blood related. Shauna was just doing the motherly thing by teaching him the birds and the bees first-hand! Lorenzo should be grateful to Shauna! Being kissed on the genitals by Shauna is just like being blessed by the Pope. And with that, the date on my one-way bus ticket to Hell just got moved up!

Finally, the world is beginning to see that all spotlights should be shining down on the shiniest lucite star in the galaxy: SHAUNA SAND! Yes, the Empress of Lucite should be on the cover of Vogue, but the bottom corner of Star Magazine is a start! Today Star, tomorrow Iraqi Vogue!

I'm still sipping on my iced Sanka in my Underoos, so I haven't gone down to the newsstand yet to read this ESCANDALO article yet. I don't know the details, but Lorenzo Lamas only has one son and this is him:

AJ Lamas probably smells like AXE body spray, Irish Spring and screams "HERE COMES THE PARTY" when he busts a nud, but I'd give his skin tampon a raspberry anytime. So I don't blame Shauna for sticking her lucite heel in his b-hole. You would too.

And in case you're wondering where AJ Lamas gets his gorgeous looks, here's his mother Michelle Smith. Now you know.

This is truly the most stunning family of all-time and forever. They look like they were handcrafted by artisans in Switzerland!

The Empress of Lucite's nipples are as giving as her heart. Yesterday in Miami, Shauna Sand felt that the beach needed some beautifying, so she undid her bikini top and let her lucite balls work their magic. Instantly, the seaweed on the beach disappeared and the water turned lucite blue. Unfortunately, not everyone was pleased to see Shauna's nips. The sand dollars on the beach slid deep into the ocean, because they knew they could not compete with the almighty lucite one's nipples.

Enough of this teasing, Shauna's nipples of wonder are after the jump. I would recommend looking at these pictures through a tiny hole in a piece of paper or you might be blinded by her raw elegance. Actually, I really do think God was inspired by Shauna's nipples when he created the eclipse. JUMP!!!

If you didn't go to Sunday mass yesterday, because you were kind of busy worshiping a god of the porcelain variety, you're in luck! This is your holy experience of the week. Looking into the eyes of the Empress of Lucite is just like having a conversation with God. Strangely enough, it's also like having a conversation with an elegant alien swine. Shauna Sand is not only a religious experience, she's an out-of-this-world experience too.

I mean, Shauna's chest area also looks like the River Jordan flowing in between the holy mountains. It doesn't get more spiritual than that.

Here's more of the Empress of Lucite beautifying the beaches of Miami on Saturday. Bow your heads and let us pray....

The elegant one bestowed her beauty upon Miami yesterday without her exquisite lucite heels on her feet. Even soulmates need a break from each other every now and again. Yes, The Empress of Lucite can still float over the sand with bare feet. We really don't know the half of her powers. Besides, I'm sure her exquisite lucite heels were busy feeding orphans in a third world country or rocking the angels in heaven to sleep.

I'm sure you're wondering (not really) why Shauna Sand always changes her bikini when she's at the beach? Well, the truth is that her rays of elegance burns through mortal-made materials, so she has to change frequently. If she didn't, her bikini would burn off and then thousands of people would be blinded by her sheer beauty. Shauna changes her bikini for the sake of humanity!

If you were in Miami over the holiday weekend, you might have noticed extra-sparkly particles of glitter floating in the air. No, it wasn't only cocaine. It was also the lucite dust that floats off of Shauna Sand whenever she glides above the sand.

The Empress of Lucite and her purse handler (who looks like he can't believe it's not butter) spent their Memorial Day beautifying the beaches of Miami. Bette Midler would be so proud. Note to all cities: If you want your beach to make the world's most beautiful list, invite Shauna Sand. When Shauna's exquisite lucite heel starts floating above the sand, every piece of garbage will throw itself into a trash can (humans included) and seaweed will slither back into the ocean.

And every scientist on the planet should immediately travel to Miami and gather up the sand the Empress of Lucite's heel touched, because it definitely holds major healing properties now. One snort of Shauna-blessed sand will suddenly make the un-elegant....ELEGANT!

Even exquisite lucite heels need a day off from spreading glamour to the world. The Empress of Lucite glided through the streets of Los Angeles yesterday without her best friends at her feet. The always-elegant Shauna Sand is still killing hos with her high levels of beauty and sophistication even without her lucite heels! Shortly after the picture above was taken, the car behind her turned into a pile of dust! Hos better grab on to her luscious hair as she takes them to the heavens!

As much as I am happy to see Shauna without that lucite-hating husband, who is this foolio with her? The dude looks like his first love is a flattening iron and his second love is a schweaty b-hole. Where does lucite fall on that list? This is the question.

Here's The Empress and her lube-haired lovah bringing carrot juice to hongray orphans in L.A. yesterday.

Why can't a lucite and crystal Pegasus swoop down from the sky and carry The Empress of Lucite off to a sparkly lucite kingdom in the sky where she will be safe from that beauty-hating monster who is always attacking her pristine face?

Earlier this month, Shauna Sand's husband, Romain Chavent, was arrested after he choked her fragile neck with his beastly hands! Shauna got away from him, but not for long. TMZ says that Romain recently bit her naturally luscious lips so hard that she popped and deflated. Shauna finally got a restraining order against him. TMZ says that in the papers The Empress of Lucite states that Romain "bit my lips as hard as he could, holding me down for 10 seconds, causing severe bleeding and cuts to my lips. He then spit the blood and skin back at me." Romain then held her down "suffocating me with his hands over my nose and mouth for 20 minutes."

How is Romain not marinating on death row?! A crime against Shauna is a crime against us all!

The Empress of Lucite should really go back to Lorenzo Lamas. He treated her like the beautiful lucite flower she is. They were the romance of their time! The stars and the moon aligned when they were in love. If they reunited, wars would end, children would stop crying and the world would be a wonderful place again.

The Empress of Lucite spent her Easter afternoon with her girls and a fellow elegant beauty at Millions of Milkshakes where she launched her own milkshake. No, that's not milkshake in Shauna's mouth in the picture above. Right before this picture was taken, Shauna caught a glimpse of herself in the glass and her mouth jizzed itself at her stunning gorgeousness. Yes, even Shauna's mouth still can't control itself when faced with such high levels of elegance.

Shauna wasn't only there to make a creampie, she also wanted to speak out about her recent domestic abuse situation. As you may know, a hideous monster who hates all things beautiful attacked our Empress. This isn't the first time, but it will be the last! That's what Shauna says. And she also has a message to all women who are involved in an abusive relationship. The Empress can help with her elegant words and factual statistics. Shauna cared so much about delivering this important public service announcement that she forgot to put on actual clothes before she left the house, but she is still the epitome of class and refinement.

Here's more pictures of Shauna and one of her courtesan making her signature milkshake yesterday.

Prayer circle time! Prayer circle time! Make room for the angels and saints, they will be joining us, because The Empress of Lucite is in danger! That monster of a man has whipped her gorgeous ass again! Last December, Shauna Sand's on-and-off-again husband choked and punched at her in front of her children. Romain Chavent was it again this past Monday! I bet you were wondering why the skies were pitch black and filled with tears on Monday (just pretend they were), it was because the most elegant beauty the world has ever seen was in peril!

TMZ delivered the awful news and said the police arrived at Shauna's lucite kingdom on Monday night after Romain attacked her. Shauna said they had an argument which led to Romain biting at her perfect body and shoving her around. Romain was arrested and is currently being held on $50,000 bail.

That piece of shit bastard! I bet he hid all of her exquisite lucite heels, so she would be powerless!

Prezzie Obama, please demand that this beast be put down! He is trying to destroy an international treasure! If lucite forbid, something terrible happens to Shauna, the world would lose all its beauty. Flowers would die. Green grass would turn brown. All kittens would instantly become obese roaches. Every last Mother's Circus Animal Cookie would become a Wheat Thin. Booze would turn into barium liquid . Everything beautiful in this world would become ugly without her. Something must be done!