Shauna Sand

Shayne Lamas tells UsWeekly that her 52-year-old father Lorenzo is not only engaged to his 23-year-old girlfriend, but he's "over the moon" in love with her. Shayne needs to go back to school, because it is impossible for Lorenzo to be over the moon. When Lorenzo and the Empress of Lucite divorced, his access to the moon was taken away. Lorenzo is no longer allowed near the moon. Shayne should've said that he's over the strip club neon sign. That would've been more fitting and accurate.

So yes, the Yanni of Santa Monica asked his girlfriend of 3-months to be his wife. She said "yes." And get this mess, her name is Shawna Craig. SHAWNA! The "W" must stand for wannabe whore! It's pretty obvious what Lorenzo is trying to do here. He's trying to replicate the Beauty and the Beast romance he had with Shauna Sand. It won't be long before Shawna tries to dye her hair angel whisper blonde to match Shauna's. And when Shawna tries to walk in a pair of exquisite lucite heels, they will commit suicide by breaking into a million pieces. Lucite's heart will always belong to Shauna Sand.

I mean, there's no replacing this:

That's like trying to recreate the Creation of Adam on a toilet in a junkyard using old markers and melted Crayons. Only Shauna Sand can blind men with her natural beauty (see the dude in the white shirt). Lorenzo needs to stop!

That right there is the luckiest Jennifer Convertible in the world......

Last night in my fair Hamlet, we received a visit from an angel from heaven. The Empress of Lucite glided into town on a lucite chariot (or maybe she flew Frontier Airlines) to sign copies of her contribution to art house cinema at Rick's Cabaret in NYC. Yes, my fellow New Yorkers, that is why all the hos on the stroll took the night off (local holiday) and why every single drugstore was sold out of Wet 'N Wild lip liner.

Since Shauna Sand is my personal Banana Jesus, I thought about going to Rick's to have her bless my copy of the Gone with the Wind of leaked porn tapes, but just thinking about it gave me full body palpitations. So I think it's best if I continue to marvel at her natural beauty from afar. Okay, okay, the truth is the restraining order she has out against me still hasn't expired.

Here's the bubble in my lube at Rick's last night with her ladies-in-waiting.

Shauna Sand tells Paper Magazine how she makes walking on exquisite lucite heels look like she's floating on the whisper of an angel:

"I've been walking in them for so long. I was a ballerina, so my balance is amazing and I'm used to being on my toes in point shoes. But I also think my stilettos are quite deceiving because they're so comfortable. I have three daughters, who are almost nine, 10 and 12 and even when my kids were like, two, they were able to walk in the stilettos. They're really not that high because they have a platform so once you get used to them, they're so easy to walk in. [Wearing stilettos] is like exercising without exercising. When you wear them, you're actually working your legs and your butt and you can get beautiful muscle definition...... I love them. I can't walk barefoot. I'll walk barefoot in the sand on the beach, but if the sand is too hot, I'll have my stilettos on."

The AVN Awards, which is the Oscars but with less STDs and more elegance, was held in Las Vegas last night, and of course the Empress of Lucite was the glistening load everybody bathed in. Shauna won several awards including: Best Performance by an Angel in a Staged Sex Tape That Was Leaked On Purpose, Best Performance by a Lucite Heel, Best Religious Experience and Best Horror Movie.

While the other porn starlets wore custom-made gowns from the Flirt Catalog, Shauna kept it real in vintage Fredrick's of Hollywood. And by "vintage," I mean it had a few cum stains on the crotch.

The Empress wasn't going to even bother putting on a dress. Clothes would have gotten in the way when she found herself in a men's room stall with a strange dude at the end of the night. When Shauna pulled the purple string off one of her ankles, her elegant ensemble came off and an already lubed up condom fell out of her vag.

Here's more freshwater pearls from last night's AVNs including: April Flores, Dave Navarro, Lisa Ann, Ron Jeremy, Sasha Grey, a ginge beauty in JLo's old Grammy dress, and Margaret Cho.

If an exquisite lucite heel can hold up CoCo's 8th world wonder ass, it can do fucking anything.

via CoCo's Twitter (Thanks Carolina)

Even The Empress of Lucite's daughters still find themselves fainting every now and again from being so closely exposed to their mother's high levels of elegance and beauty. This is what on Friday night at some restaurant in Los Angeles.

Shauna's daughter once again realized that her mother is as beautiful as a Mother's Circus Animal Cookie fresh out of the angel's vagina (that's how they are made) and blacked the hell out! Shauna came to the rescue by calling upon the powers of the lucite to help her carry her daughter out to the car. Yes, I've thought about this thoroughly.

Afterwards, Shauna was kind of enough to feed the camera lenses by posing with her newest piece of the moment. I'm not sure if Shauna's shiny new toy is old or strong enough to handle the Empress, but we'll find out when their sex tape is "leaked" next week.

I knew there was a good reason for why Chace Crawford's face always looks like heaven's rays are shining upon it while the whispers of angels pass through his golden locks. Okay, I never thought that, but I do now.

The Empress of Lucite tells Star Magazine that she used her exquisite lucite heel to pluck out Chace's plump cherry! Shauna was Mrs. Robinson to Chace's Ben Braddock.

According to Shauna, the two met at a college party in 2003 when Chace was just 18 and she was 32. Shauna said, "He was so incredibly beautiful — I immediately fell in love with him!" Chace melted into Shauna's arms and the two began a secret love affair which lasted for a year. Shauna even gave Chace a key to her lucite palace.

One of Chace's friends added, "Chace told me, 'Shauna was the first girl I ever had sex with! She blew my mind, and I'll never forget it!'"

Eventually, Shauna realized that her mission was complete and she fluttered off to continue to spread her beauty to the rest of the world. Chace went on to star in Gossip Girl and the rest is history.

And now Ed Westwick completely understands why Chace always wants him to wear a pair of lucite heels around the house.

Vivid Entertainment got a hold of a series of tapes of Carrie Prejean parting her pink sea, and they want to sell the videos with her blessing. Carrie turned them down. Well, now Vivid has brought out their finest lucite jewel to dazzle Carrie and bring her over to the bright side.

The Empress of Lucite slid into her lucite throne, pulled out her boyfriend's peen, dipped it in her sparkly box and wrote a passionate letter to Carrie where she described her own journey from powerless victim to star, cinematographer, director, costume designer and soundtrack composer of her own fuck film. Shauna said that Carrie could waste thousands of dollars on lawyers, or she could make millions by letting the world see her holy grail on her terms.

Below is the part of the letter where Shauna talks about the pivotal moment where she decided to LEAK HER OWN SEX TAPE be the queen of her own porn destiny:

I went to the meeting full of rage. During the meeting, however, I realized that I could actually take control of the situation. Instead of spending thousands of dollars in legal fees for a lawsuit that could take months or even years to be resolved, I could actually turn things around.

I told Steven that I wanted to eliminate any compensation to the third party since it was my movie that I not only starred in, but also directed and added the music to. I also told him that I wanted to be involved in the marketing of the movie as I really cared about it.

I’m really glad I made that decision. I’m proud of my body and of the passion that I felt during the making of the movie which became “Shauna Sand Exposed.”

Why don’t you consider taking control yourself and handle this situation on your own
terms so that you are in the driver’s seat. It all starts with a telephone call to Steven to find out what your options are. I’d be happy to talk to you one-on-one about how I did it.

If any of us were touched by a lucite angel, we would immediately fall into a deep trance and do anything Shauna asked us to. But Carrie proved that she is not of this world, because she turned down Shauna's offer! Carrie even threatened to sue Vivid if they don't leave her alone.

UNGODLY! Turning down the Empress of Lucite is like turning down JESUS himself. Carrie basically spit on the gates of heaven. Just like she spit on her palm to play with her coochie on that tape!

To quote the a wise woman named Marguerite Perrin: "SHE IS NOT A CHRIIIIISTIIIIIIIAN!"

We all (aka just me) know Shauna Sand as the most naturally beautiful creature in the universe and as the sole reason why lucite twinkles under a strip club's spotlight. But sometimes we forgot that the Empress of Lucite is a devoted role model to three girls. Shauna reminded us of this last night when she dropped one of her daughters off to visit her father Lorenzo Lamas at a restaurant in Los Angeles.

Since Shauna has no feeling in most of her body parts, she didn't notice when her "Total Eclipse of the Nipple" popped out of the crocheted doily she was wearing as a dress. When Shauna finally realized her nipple was assuming the elegant position, she simply smiled for the cameras, because she was so happy to share her beauty with the world.

And what kind of message does this send to her daughter? It tells her daughter to always wear turtlenecks when she goes out in public and to run for the nearest police station if a plastic surgeon ever gets near her. See! Shauna really is an amazing role model.

The Empress of Lucite is currently basking in the glory of her soon-to-be-released masterpiece sex tape, and look who has crawled out from under her trough to try to snatch away Shauna's spotlight. Shauna's ex-stepdaughter Shayne Lamas, who is currently whoring out her own reality show, felt the need to blast The Empress of Lucite in a statement to TMZ. Basically, Shayne pulled down her bloomers, squatted, and then shit all over a delicate rose. This is a crime against nature. Plug your nose, stroke your lucite and read what Shayne had to say:

"It's no shock that Shauna basically gave her seal of approval on the tape. She will probably try to get producing and directing credit as well. I hear it's pretty hardcore and she does all her own stunts too!

There has never really been much of a difference between Shauna and a blowup doll... Cheap, mostly plastic and a head full of air. She is pure trash."

Normally, being called "pure trash" is the highest of compliments, but I have a feeling Shayne didn't mean it that way. Shayne better watch her tongue, because fucking with Shauna is like fucking with GOD himself! One day, Shayne will wake up with her tongue attached to her asshole. And without a tongue she won't be able to eat deep-fried Twinkies or nibble on hard peen.

And just for record-keeping purposes, here's what Shayne's stunning mother looks like:

Shayne's cunty comments are funny since her mom Michele looks like a Shrinky Dink version of Shauna dipped in formaldehyde. Every scientist will confirm that Michele is definitely 100% potent trash. And that's a compliment.