Shauna Sand

How do bitches not spontaneously combust from Shauna Sand's ravishing perfection? Her extreme classiness is almost too much for my retinas to bare. You have to wear Blue Blockers to handle this kind of sophistication. How did the dude in the back not blow into a million douche pieces when Shauna opened up her magnificient wings?! He must be made of kryptonite...or lucite.

It doesn't bother me that Shauna is not wearing her exquisite lucite heels. It used to, but then I realized that the exquisite lucite heels don't make Shauna Sand...wait..... Yes, they do. It's fine though, because whatever the hell she's wearing on her feet is just as classy as her lucite heels. Seriously, what are those things?! Did Chinese Laundry have a clearance sale?!

Here's more of Shauna outside of Burger King some extremely expensive restaurant last night. Do you think Shauna smokes powdered diamonds? Probably. Oh and I also threw some Harry Dean Stanton, because homey is looking beat and he needs a little love. Hopefully, Shauna gave him her 4th of July special.

On second thought, Shauna Sand is more than a cougar. She's like a rare white tiger in exquisite lucite heels. Even Dimitri the Lover would take one look at Shauna and say, "This elegant creature is much too elegant for me." Dimitri the Lover would probably explode from Shauna's intense elegance. Seriously, we should send elegant Shauna to destroy Dimitri the Lover once and for all!

Here's Shauna with some gay toy working the streets last night.

What in lip liner purgatory do we have here?! The always expensive-looking Shauna Sand has a new john man. Apparently, his name is Danny Dahan. Hmm....I don't know about this one. He doesn't look like he can quench Shauna's thirst for the finer things in life. Well, as long as his sexy time skills can melt her exquisite lucite heels and curl the wings in her luscious rayon hair, that's all that matters. Shauna has Lorenzo's her own money.

Here's the epitome of elegance and glamour with her new toy leaving Koi last night.

A hot reader just sent in Shauna Sand's yearbook picture from Muirlands Junior High School in La Jolla, CA. Who knew that girl would grow up to become one of the most ravishing beauties in the world! It's amazing what a little Clorox, hair relaxer, moustache wax and a pair of exquisite lucite heels can do!

I am still in shock at the sudden loss of an American icon (see below). Luckily, the stunning goddess known as Shauna Sand is here to help us through this trying time.

The regal beauty will advise us from her lucite diaphragm throne. Seriously, I think that's a giant diaphragm. She would probably just tell us to put on some elegant lucite heels and strut down Robertson Blvd. If only it was that simple.

Here's the poster child for everything elegant getting her polyester tresses tended to yesterday.

Shauna! Don't advertise your wares on the damn street like some common hooker! Take out a Craigslist ad like every other respectable prosty. I'm joking! The sophisticated and classy beauty known as Shauna Sand is not for sale because most men cannot afford to park in her elegant box of lucite treasures. You know her shit is made of lucite, Valtrex bits and acrylic nails.

Speaking of her elegant treasures. Shauna slipped a nip! No, I think her nipple literally slipped from where its supposed to be. One look at these pictures and your own nipples will crawl up to your lips and give you a gentle kiss as a thank you for not hurting them the way Shauna has hurt hers.

That being said, Shauna can do no wrong in my eyes. You may see a frankennipple, but I see a beautiful spring daisy.

UPDATE: Click here (NSFW) to see Shauna's raw and "elegant lucite treasure box." Actually, don't click on it. I don't want to be responsible for what might happen to you.

This is the second time in two weeks that Shauna Sand has been photographed without wearing her exquisite lucite heels. How is she able to stand without her lucite beauties? You would think her feet would reject anything that wasn't made out of the finest stripper crystal aka lucite.

Those black things on her feet are trash! They belong on commoners like Posh Spice or Kim Kardashian. Shauna only deserves the best.

Even worse, Shauna wore them to the Chanel store yesterday. Double betrayal! Did Shauna not get the memo that we're boycotting Chanel for what they did to Phoebe Price? I can forgive Shauna for her Chanel mishap as long she puts her exquisite lucite heels back on and never takes them off again!

Here's Shauna, Frenchie husband and her two daughters yesterday.

It took me like 10 times to count how many words made up "A Shauna Sand Reality Show." Hopefully, I got it right. If not, suck it anyway. So..... Shauna Sand was outside some joint with her daughters last night looking like mother of the year. This woman is consistent. Consistently glamorous! Since Shauna is putting out a shoe collection, she really needs to make exquisite lucite heels for young girls. I hurt when I see Shauna Sand's daughters wearing common chonklas and slip-ons.

Earlier in the day, Shauna was working her usual corner in Hollywood. No, she was getting some free crap at the Platinum Gifting Lounge at the W Hotel. Shauna showed up with her estranged husband, Romain Chavent. They were supposed to get divorced, but it looks like they fucked and made up. That's not even the good news. Shauna told the photographer that she's going to star in a reality show with her husband. The show will follow their journey of "falling back in love" together.

This sounds like the greatest television experience of all time. Shauna Sand, lucite heels, a hot French dude and a love story? Shauna better clear her mantle, because she's going to get an Oscar, Grammy, Emmy, Nobel Peace Prize, Peabody Award and AVN Award for this shit! Amazing.

Here's more pics of Shauna with her daughters last night and with her husband earlier in the day.

Shauna Sand's exquisite lucite heels and I would like to wish you all a Happy Memorial Day! I won't be posting much today, because my good friend really needs me. My good friend Stella Artois! She's been down in the dumps lately, so she really needs me to hold, kiss and lick her. I hope she doesn't get jealous when I start giving some attention to Grey Goose later today. She hates that bitch.

Speaking of Shauna Sand's lucite heels, the bitch is putting out a line of shoes! The other day, she showed paps a pair of lucite heels from her new show collection exclusively for Big Lots. NO! Not Big Lots. I'm sure Shauna's classy whore shoes will only be available at the finest department stores in the world. Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin better watch their fucking asses.

Have a drunk and safe day everyone!

Shauna Sand is an inspiration to mothers everywhere. She proves that you can be a devoted mother and a ravishing beauty at the same time. You don't have to compromise. How does she do it?

Although, I'm disappointed with her. Her daughters are old enough to be wearing matching lucite heels. Shauna, it's never too early to teach your daughters about elegance and luxury. Pass the torch.

Here's Shauna with her three daughters at Christian Audigier's 50th Birthday party last night in Los Angeles.