Jamie Lynn Spears
Brit Brit's record label has announced that her next album will be released on her 27th birthday, December 2nd. Brit's 6th studio album will be called "Circus." Cue Brit Brit explaining her album title: "It's called 'Circus' on account of mah life being a circus an' all! An' I really likes them clowns an' cotton candies!" I guess the title "Trainwreck" was already taken for Wino's next album.
The first single off her next album, Womanizer (aka The Ballad of KFed), will be released September 22nd.
"Circus" is the follow-up to "Blackout" which was only released last year. Producers on her new album include The Outsyders, Dr. Luke, Danja, Max Martin, Bloodshy & Avant and Guy Sigsworth. WHAT?! Chester Cheetah didn't get a producer credit again?! That's cold of Brit Brit. I guess you always hurt the ones you love the most.
I hate to admit it, but I still listen to "Blackout." It hasn't left my iPod. I had to change the album artwork so people think I'm listening to something deep and meaningful, but it's still there. I changed the artwork to "Captain & Tennille's Greatest Hits." Have you really listened to Muskrat Love? That's some deep shit.
Here's Brit Brit and Jamie Lynn "rentin' DVDeeeees" at Blockbuster last night. They probably rented Joe Dirt AGAIN! Blockbuster keeps a special copy just for Brit.
Lynne Spears' book should have been called "This is Why Brit Brit Went to the Loony Bin!" The National Enquirer (via The Daily Mail) got a hold of the book before its September 16th release and published a few of Lynne's amazing parenting tips. The expectant parents out there should take some notes:
Brit Brit started hitting the bottle at the age of 13. This was right after she joined The Mickey Mouse Club. Lynne said she really didn't care as long as she was around while Brit drank. Don't blame Lynne! I bet you Donald Duck gave Brit her first Jack & coke. He's a drunken mess!
When Brit was 14, she started dating some 18-year-old high school footballer. Lynne encouraged it, because she thought it would make Brit more popular. She even let Brit stay at the dude's house. Well, the dude ended up taking Brit's virginity when she was just 14.
Brit went to Los Angeles to record her first album when she was 15. That's when she started doing drugs. Lynne thought she was going through typical teenage issues.
A year later, Brit was caught with coke and weed while trying to board a private jet. She was 16. Not so typical.
That same year, Brit started boinking Justin Timberlake. Lynne let them to sleep together in Brit's room. She said she knew they were doing it, but allowed it because Brit was "in love." In love with the dick!
Lynne writes that she wishes she didn't allow Brit's career and life to be controlled by managers. They are the ones who turned her into a sex symbol at such a young age.
In the end, Lynne knows the mistakes she made as a parent. She blames herself for her daughter's breakdown. A bitch who read the book said: "Lynne's book does a lot of soul-searching on the mistakes she made raising Britney and Jamie Lynn. She says if she had known helping her daughter Britney follow her dreams would cost her her soul, she would never have done it."
None of this shit is that shocking. Most of us did the same crap. Well, almost. Instead of coke, it was expired painkillers and clove ciggies. Instead of a private jet, it was a park bench. Instead of Justin Timberlake, it was the hot Mormon boy down the street who cried after busting a nut. The big difference is that if my mom knew about my shenanigans, I would've been thrown into military school. Which might not have been such a bad thing. Dozens of horny dudes in one place? Maybe I should have told her....
What's disturbing is the fact that Lynne is telling the whole world about this shit for a quick buck. She's basically screaming "I'M A SHIT MOM! Now give me $24.99!"
Lynne, meet Michael Lohan. Michael, meet Lynne Spears.
Petit Tresor, basically the only baby store celebrities buy shit from, has opened up their big mouths and said that Jamie Lynn Spears bought a baby bunch of shit for Bristol Palin. According to CelebTV.com, Lynne Spears called into the store and requested that a number of overpriced items be sent to Bristol in Alaska on behalf of Jamie Lynn.
A "source" said, “It was ordered by phone, and they asked what could be done for under $100. They spent $60 on pink burp cloths."
Damn. Lynne is a cheap bitch.
The pressie also included a note: “Dear Bristol, Hang in there! XXOO, Jamie Lynn Spears.” XXOO?
Two kisses before two hugs? Tramp! And Lynne really should have signed it: "From one Juno to another."
I see what Lynne is doing here. She thinks that buy sending a couple of fancy baby vomit napkins, she's going to get into the good graces of possibly the new VP. Sorry Lynne! They aren't inviting you to the White House possum roast. It's just not happening. On second thought, they probably will invite her. Even worse, they will probably give her a position. Lynne Spears: Secretary of Health and Human Services.
The hillbilly hooker who swears she bumped fuglies with Casey Aldridge while he was dating Jamie Lynne Spears is a liar! Well, that's what Casey claims anyway. A source told TMZ that Casey called up the Spears family to let them know that 28-year-old Kelli Dawson is fibbin'. And I bet you he used that exact word. "Hot damn! She be fibbin'!"
Casey said that the picture of him touching tongues with Kelli was taken before he started getting it on with Jamie Lynne. He said that Kelli sold her fake story to make some cash. She probably needed the money to bail out her uncle/boyfriend.
What do you expect Casey to say? To quote Madonna from Body of Evidence: "I don't know why men lie. They just do. MEN LIE."
Obviously, Casey ate from Kelli's possum pie and she sold her story. Next time Kelli should try and get better and more scandalous pictures of them. Touching tongues is harmless. I mean, Angelina Jolie used to do that with her own brother all the time.
Look at what the possum dragged in! No, seriously, I think a possum dragged that skeezer from her corner and into the local park for this picture. This dirty dish towel of a woman claims she did secret sexy times with Casey Aldridge while Jamie Lynn was knocked up.
28-year-old Kelli Dawson said she began bumping shrooms with 19-year-old Casey last year. She told InTouch, "We were both really attracted to each other. He totally instigated it and pursued me. His friends would tell me that he liked me, that he thought I was pretty.” Well, he was lying to you, Kelli. I mean, about the pretty part.
Kelli went on to say that they fucked each other a few months before Jamie Lynn popped out a baby, “It just didn’t feel right. He had to deal with the baby coming, and it had to stop.” The last time they had sex was in March, but Kelli says they still "kiss occasionally."
Even Brit Brit's first husband, Jason Alexander, popped in to "confirm" Kelli's claims, “Kelli and Casey have been a couple on and off for a few years. They were a really tight couple, but I think it was hard for Kelli, having Jamie Lynn in the picture.” Was InTouch handing out Shakey's gift certificates to anybody who had anything to say about Jamie Lynn and Casey? What the hell does Jason Alexander know?! And I hate myself for the fact that whenever I hear the name "Jason Alexander," I don't think of the dude from Seinfeld, I think of this douche! That's a crime.
Kelli has no business running around with a 19-year-old anyway. She looks like she has 5 of her own kids to take care of and a $40-a-day meth habit to feed.
A source close to Jamie Lynn Spears told Page Six, "She only has Diet Coke in the house. How redneck is that?"
Okay, this means I'm not a redneck. I don't have any Diet Coke in my house. I only have Kool-Aid, Crystal Light, Sunny-D, Tang, Pabst, Chateau Diana and RC Cola. Yay, I'm high class! Here's a little tip: Crystal Light tastes like straight-up dog piss to me, so add a little Kool-Aid with a little soda water to fancy it up. You're welcome.
The source also claims Jamie will never marry her baby daddy, "I doubt that'll ever happen. Her mama Lynne doesn't like him and thinks she can do better. They don't want him anywhere near Jamie Lynn's cash." Well, if they don't want him anywhere near her cash they better move her checking account shoe box from under the bed. That's the first place someone looks!
*Image removed by request of OK! and replace with this cover which you've already seen*
Damn! Is Jamie Lynn giving Maddie Briann 100-proof Purple Drank, because baby looks like she's in another world. I'll have what she's having.
Click here to see the pictures from OK! of Jamie Lynn and her new baby.
Let's just all go out and get knocked up! It's fun!!
What in frosted ass hell is going on here?! Is that Jamie Lynn Spears or one of the long-lost Mandrell sisters?! Shit, I know they probably wanted to make her look like a mature, responsible parent, but bitch looks like a gum-chewing, middle-aged Piggly Wiggly cashier named Candy. Even Ali Lohan is saying, "That bitch looks old."
Baby Maddie looks like.......a baby.
Jamie Lynn also did some long ass boring interview with OK! Click here to read that boring shit, but here's a quote:
"We get up in the morning, and she gets her little bath. Then I get my bath. We have a routine, and I love routines. I've worked one out with her, and we're happy going about our little life. She'll feed every two or three hours. When she wakes up in the middle of the night, I'll feed her and she goes right back to sleep. There's no screaming and crying."
She's totally giving her Purple DRANK, isn't she? I need to hit up Brit Brit for that recipe.
Jamie Lynn Spears popped out other Spears spawn yesterday and nobody seemed to care. Seriously, when Jamie Lynn got knocked up, it was major shit and everyone seemed to want to talk about it. But yesterday when she finally gave birth, nobody gave a fuckity fuck! I talked to people about it and they were like, "Yeah? So anyway, I pooped out a perfect banana shape this morning. That means I'm healthy, right?" I'm baffled! But I think I'm more baffled by banana shaped pooped.
Anyway, People Magazine interviewed one of Jamie Lynn's distant cousins. Margie Busby had this to say, "She's awfully young to be a momma. But that's what they make grandmothers for. They have to help. That's the way it is with our circle of friends."
That quote says it all. And can't you picture Margie? Banana clip in her feathered hair, scrunchie on her wrist, one newborn baby in each arm, another baby barfing on her platform flip-flip, a vintage Billy Ray Cyrus cassette blasting in the background and a few chickens running through her double-wide trailer. And she's probably one of the classier Spears.
Another Spears girl has entered the world! Hide your sons! The National Enquirer claims 17-year-old Jamie Lynn popped out a baby girl at Mississippi Southwest Regional Medical Center in McComb, Ms. She delivered via C-section at 8:30 a.m. The new baby Spears weighed in at 6 pounds, 10 ounces.
It's been rumored that Jamie Lynn and Casey want to name her Cailynn or Cassie, a combination of their names. Let's hope she names her new little bundle of joyness, Cailynn Cheeto Spears. Of course, the Cheeto is after Brit Brit.
I'm sure we'll be celebrating another Spears birth when Baby Cheeto pops one out in a few months. I'm joking! Give her a couple of years.
Congrats to Baby Cheeto, JL and Casey! A round of Purple DRANK is on me!
UPDATE: People has confirmed that JL pushed out Baby Cheeto around 9:30 this morning. They have named her Maddie Briann. Let's try out that name, shall we? "Maddie Briann! Stop sucking all the freon out of our new AC unit!" Yeah, that works.