Jamie Lynn Spears

It's been nearly two weeks since we've seen Brit Brit's hocks and loins stuffed into a bikini and I was beginning to get worried (not really). Thank Cheesus Brit Brit was back in a two piece while vacationing with Jamie Lynn, Daddy Spears and the rest of her family in Miami. Yeah, it was a little family reunion. I'm sure they nibbled on possum croquettes and beef jerky ceviche while comparing skidmarks. Regular family bonding stuff.

Here's more of Our Lady of Cheetos with all her favorite Cheetolings yesterday. And no, that fourth martini you had at lunch is not the reason why these pictures are blurry. They're just like that.

We haven't heard much from Jamie Lynn Spears lately. I guess homegirl has just been down in the south, raising her baby, eating jerky and laying low. Well, unfortunately this isn't the greatest update on Jamie Lynn. You see, at around 1:30 this morning Jamie Lynn's baby daddy (I'm trying so hard to slowly retire that phrase, but it's hard), Casey Aldridge, was driving back home from a fishing trip with his friends when he lost control of his F-250 truck and it flipped over. Moonshine was not involved. I think.

Casey reportedly got pretty messed up in the crash and he was immediately airlifted to the Riverland Medical Facility in Ferriday, LA. TMZ says he's stable condition now, but that it could've been pretty fucking bad. Some reports claim Casey suffered a major brain injury and had to undergo surgery, but one of his family members told TMZ that wasn't the case. Casey did suffer a minor skull fracture, but he did not go to surgery. They are keeping an eye on him and will hopefully release him in a few days.

Casey's three friends also got fucked up, but not nearly as bad.

Jamie Lynn is currently with Casey, feeding him Jello, watching Monster Truck rallies with him and making sure he's all better for court shit. After the crash, the cops charged Casey with careless whisper operation of a motor vehicle, a misdemeanor.

Weeeed Eater! Weeeeed Eater ! Sorry. Seeing that sort of made me excited.

Anytrashy, Lynne Spears needs more people! First we heard that Jamie Lynn IS knocked up! Then we heard it was just Taco Bell gas and she isn't carrying! Now some bitch is saying Jamie Lynn IS pregnant, but is denying it to buy some time.

With all eyes on Brit Brit's nekkid greasy chicken bone ass lately and Jamie Lynn no longer in the spotlight for being a knocked up 16 year old, she must have gotten a little jealous and needed to steal Our Lady of Cheeto's thunder by being a knocked up 17-YEAR-OLD.

The National Enquirer claims that one of Jamie Lynn's hillbilly family members has confirmed that she went and got herself knocked up. Jamie Lynn told the family member that it's Casey Aldridge's, but we all know what happens down on the bayou. Cousins get horny, daddies gets lonely. I STILL can't believe she could let some dude squirt his baby batter all up inside her trashy hillbilly teen ass AGAIN and think that nothing would happen. Maybe Zoey 101 should have been titled Dumb Pregnant Teenage Bitch 101.

This close family member (who is probably her cousin/uncle/half-brother) goes on to say that Casey was pissed when he found out about the pregnancy through the media instead of straight out his baby mama's mouf. Well, no shit! Who could blame the fucktard for being pissed? How'd you like it if the rest of the world knew before you did that your underage concubine was pregnant with your second child and that you were too stupid to work a condom? Cue Casey saying, "Condom? Whut's thet? Ahs jest pull out befo' ahs drop!"

The family member continued to run their yap saying that, “Jamie Lynn’s mom is furious about the pregnancy and she’s livid the news leaked out, especially during her book tour. Lynne doesn’t want to talk about it publicly until they sort this out. Jamie Lynn is being pressured by people very close to her to abort. But no decision has been made yet."

Lynne not wanting to talk about something publicly? Translation: Lynne is not ready to talk about it to the tabloids until the right price is met.

Here's Jamie Lynn at WaMa (aka Wal-Mart) in Mississippi yesterday. Hopefully, she's buying an economy-sized pack of condoms and Spermicide. Her "Yoga Makes Me Flexible" t-shirt says it all. That's what got her into this mess!

Jamie Lynn might not be carrying a hillbilly tot after all. An "impeachable source" tells TMZ that JL is not knocked up. Damn. Personally, I won't believe it either way until I hear it from the uterus' mouth. Sorry for the gross visual.

You know, I was just writing a letter to JL letting her know in detail what causes pregnancy. I was also going to tell her that the vinegar method hardly ever works. Don't know what I'm talking about? Read this shit from Yahoo! Answers:

What are some other ways for teens not to get pregnant, Are there nore ways?
My friend told me, Right after her and her boyfriend have had sex and she knows that heh came in her she drinks vinegar right away and I don't thinks vinegar works, or does it.

The chick's friend is doing it all wrong! If you don't want to get pregnant, you're supposed to pour the vinegar on your belly. Not drink it! DUH!

I guess the rubber band around Casey's plastic baggie condom wasn't tight enough, because The National Enquirer claims Jamie Lynn Spears has done got knocked up again! Hit me baby one more time! A source said that 17-year-old Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant. She popped out Maddie Briann almost four months ago.

The source went on to say that friends are begging Jamie Lynn to get an abortion. “They’ve reminded Jamie Lynn how much trouble she had adjusting to motherhood with Maddie, and pointed out that having a second baby now would only be a recipe for disaster." No, it would be a recipe for hillbilly comedy!

Jamie Lynn was "shocked" to learn she got knocked up because she believed "she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding." Jamie Lynn was expecting to get her period in September, but when Aunt Flo didn't come knocking, she ran out, bought a pregnancy test and it came back positive. Oh and by "Aunt Flo" I mean her period blood. Jamie Lynn probably has an Aunt Flo, so I'm just clearing that up.

SHOCKED to learn?! Getting knocked up again is the least of her problems. She really should be worried about the fact that her brains are made of dried chitterlings. Stupid ass Jamie Lynn. Somebody needs to tell her that when the snake goes into the cave without protection and barfs in it, there's a chance that a baby flower might grow inside of you. Don't put it that way when you tell her, because she'll think you're talking about a real snake. The dumb bitch!

The source said that Jamie Lynn and Lynne Spears tried to keep the news secret before they figured out what to do. Translation: Lynn Spears is trying to figure out how she can make the most money off of this shit!

Congratulations, Jamie Lynn! You actually found a way to out-trash Brit Brit! Give yourself an extra helping of pork rind pie for that!

A federal porn investigation has been launched after a picture of Jamie Lynn Spears breast feeding was stolen. Ewww. First of all, if you're at all interested in seeing a picture of JL feeding her baby, then do us all a favor and go to your nearest free clinic. Ask them about their complimentary psychiatry services. All you have to do is tell them that you really want to see a picture of 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears' post-pregnancy titty squirting out Kool-Aid and leche. They will immediately escort you to a back room and we won't hear from you for a few months, but it will be for the best.

According to TMZ, Casey Aldridge took several pictures with his digital camera of Jamie Lynn with her baby. One picture showed Jamie Lynn breast feeding with her left chichi out in the open. Casey, who has chitterlings for brains, took the memory card down to their local WA-MA (aka Wal-Mart) for copies. Someone at WA-MA made extra copies and then tried to sell them.

JL is a minor, so the bitches buying and selling the pictures of her exposed breast could find themselves in federal prison for violating federal porn laws.

Federal and local authorities are trying to find the person who stole the pictures. Brit Brit's lawyers also considering going after WA-MA.

Instead of going to WA-MA to get copies of JL's titty, Casey should also go to the free clinic for a fucking brain transplant. Of course bitches are going to steal the pictures and try to sell them. Shit. Lynne Spears is probably behind this! Anything for an extra buck.

And I really should consider getting a part-time job at a photo processing place. They see the best and most fucked-up shit!

Image: INFDaily.com

Last week, the coppers played a stupid trick on the paparazzi at LAX. Jamie Lynn, Maddie and her mother all arrived in Los Angeles on a Delta flight. They were allowed to exit the plane onto the tarmac, where a car waited for them and whisked them off to Brit Brit's Cheeto Palace.

The cops said this would have never happened if she didn't have a baby with her. Instead of just leaving it at that, the cops asked a woman on the flight to pretend to be Jamie Lynn in order to fool the paps. The chick agreed and seven police officers escorted her out of the airport. The paps fell for it.

A rep for LAX tells E! News that an investigation into the incident has been opened. "It is not the policy or practice for Airport Police to provide a celebrity decoy. Airport Police has opened an internal investigation of the incident and will take appropriate administrative action if warranted. Los Angeles World Airports policy prohibits special courtesies to be provided to celebrities, unless extenuating circumstances such threat of danger to the individual or the safety of the general public are involved."

How were the paps bamboozled? This broad doesn't really look like Jamie Lynn. They should've just thrown her a meat on a stick and when she didn't dive for it, they would have known she wasn't JL.

Instead of investigating this stupid shit, LAX needs to spend their time building more places to eat! Whenever I'm there, I can never find delicious things to stuff my fat face with. There's ten million Starbucks, but not even one In-N-Out. It's L.A.! Although, there is a shuttle at LAX that will take you to a nearby In-N-Out. Must remember this.

Brit Brit's record label has announced that her next album will be released on her 27th birthday, December 2nd. Brit's 6th studio album will be called "Circus." Cue Brit Brit explaining her album title: "It's called 'Circus' on account of mah life being a circus an' all! An' I really likes them clowns an' cotton candies!" I guess the title "Trainwreck" was already taken for Wino's next album.

The first single off her next album, Womanizer (aka The Ballad of KFed), will be released September 22nd.

"Circus" is the follow-up to "Blackout" which was only released last year. Producers on her new album include The Outsyders, Dr. Luke, Danja, Max Martin, Bloodshy & Avant and Guy Sigsworth. WHAT?! Chester Cheetah didn't get a producer credit again?! That's cold of Brit Brit. I guess you always hurt the ones you love the most.

I hate to admit it, but I still listen to "Blackout." It hasn't left my iPod. I had to change the album artwork so people think I'm listening to something deep and meaningful, but it's still there. I changed the artwork to "Captain & Tennille's Greatest Hits." Have you really listened to Muskrat Love? That's some deep shit.

Here's Brit Brit and Jamie Lynn "rentin' DVDeeeees" at Blockbuster last night. They probably rented Joe Dirt AGAIN! Blockbuster keeps a special copy just for Brit.

Lynne Spears' book should have been called "This is Why Brit Brit Went to the Loony Bin!" The National Enquirer (via The Daily Mail) got a hold of the book before its September 16th release and published a few of Lynne's amazing parenting tips. The expectant parents out there should take some notes:

Brit Brit started hitting the bottle at the age of 13. This was right after she joined The Mickey Mouse Club. Lynne said she really didn't care as long as she was around while Brit drank. Don't blame Lynne! I bet you Donald Duck gave Brit her first Jack & coke. He's a drunken mess!

When Brit was 14, she started dating some 18-year-old high school footballer. Lynne encouraged it, because she thought it would make Brit more popular. She even let Brit stay at the dude's house. Well, the dude ended up taking Brit's virginity when she was just 14.

Brit went to Los Angeles to record her first album when she was 15. That's when she started doing drugs. Lynne thought she was going through typical teenage issues.

A year later, Brit was caught with coke and weed while trying to board a private jet. She was 16. Not so typical.

That same year, Brit started boinking Justin Timberlake. Lynne let them to sleep together in Brit's room. She said she knew they were doing it, but allowed it because Brit was "in love." In love with the dick!

Lynne writes that she wishes she didn't allow Brit's career and life to be controlled by managers. They are the ones who turned her into a sex symbol at such a young age.

In the end, Lynne knows the mistakes she made as a parent. She blames herself for her daughter's breakdown. A bitch who read the book said: "Lynne's book does a lot of soul-searching on the mistakes she made raising Britney and Jamie Lynn. She says if she had known helping her daughter Britney follow her dreams would cost her her soul, she would never have done it."

None of this shit is that shocking. Most of us did the same crap. Well, almost. Instead of coke, it was expired painkillers and clove ciggies. Instead of a private jet, it was a park bench. Instead of Justin Timberlake, it was the hot Mormon boy down the street who cried after busting a nut. The big difference is that if my mom knew about my shenanigans, I would've been thrown into military school. Which might not have been such a bad thing. Dozens of horny dudes in one place? Maybe I should have told her....

What's disturbing is the fact that Lynne is telling the whole world about this shit for a quick buck. She's basically screaming "I'M A SHIT MOM! Now give me $24.99!"

Lynne, meet Michael Lohan. Michael, meet Lynne Spears.

Petit Tresor, basically the only baby store celebrities buy shit from, has opened up their big mouths and said that Jamie Lynn Spears bought a baby bunch of shit for Bristol Palin. According to CelebTV.com, Lynne Spears called into the store and requested that a number of overpriced items be sent to Bristol in Alaska on behalf of Jamie Lynn.

A "source" said, “It was ordered by phone, and they asked what could be done for under $100. They spent $60 on pink burp cloths."

Damn. Lynne is a cheap bitch.

The pressie also included a note: “Dear Bristol, Hang in there! XXOO, Jamie Lynn Spears.” XXOO?

Two kisses before two hugs? Tramp! And Lynne really should have signed it: "From one Juno to another."

I see what Lynne is doing here. She thinks that buy sending a couple of fancy baby vomit napkins, she's going to get into the good graces of possibly the new VP. Sorry Lynne! They aren't inviting you to the White House possum roast. It's just not happening. On second thought, they probably will invite her. Even worse, they will probably give her a position. Lynne Spears: Secretary of Health and Human Services.