Girlfriend Please

Morrissey tells JuiceOnline.com (via Billboard) that after being in the music business for 30 years, his body is no longer the willowy reed of pure sex that it once was and so he's going to officially retire at the decaying and decrepit (served in a bowl of warm sarcasm) age of 55. Morrissey name dropped Syria in his resignation letter, because it wouldn't be a Morrissey quote if he didn't inject a little political shit into it.

"I am slightly shocked to have gone as far as I have. This is my 30th year, and I've aged a lot recently, which is bit distressing for me, as it must be for everyone. The body changes shape and there's nothing you can do about it. Do I continue as a modern day Andy Williams? I take one hour at a time. We will all probably be blown up by the Syrian government soon, anyway, so it hardly matters in the great scheme of things."

What in the hell kind of GD retirement excuse is that?! Morrissey is going to retire because his sciatica is acting up and he doesn't think the scent of BenGay belongs at a rock show? What bullshit. Iggy Pop performed at Ramesses II's Diamond Jubilee and he's still swinging his saggy chest sacks on stage today. Steven Tyler's bones are being held together with mummy tape dipped in Elmer's and he doesn't let that stop him from performing. But Morrissey is too delicate to go on? This isn't how Morrissey is supposed to quit. Morrissey is supposed to quit over some stupid shit like an audience member in the front row sipping non-vegan beer at one of his shows. Morrissey will gasp, throw the back of his hand over his forehead, arch his back and jazz walk stage left as the lights dim to a slow cue and a red velvet curtain drops. That's how a melodramatic queen goes!

Whatever. I'm okay with Morrissey retiring from music as long as he's not retiring from saying crazy ass shit.

Does Drag U have a scholarship program? Because if so, this bitch needs to enter it.

If you took one of Elizabeth Taylor's old headshots, soaked it in dirty meth pipe water, charred its edges on a hobo's trash can fire, tore it into a dozen pieces and then pasted those pieces back together using homemade silly putty and black tar heroin, the image looking back at you would look more like Elizabeth Taylor than this picture of Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor does. TMZ magically got their hands on (aka White Oprah gave it to them for half of a Vicodin pill) this picture of LiLo in full basic cable La Liz drag and it's giving me hope. Hope that this is going to be one of the biggest unnatural disasters in American history.

I don't see Elizabeth Taylor at all, but I do see shades of Joan Crawford. But maybe that's because looking at this picture is giving me the sudden urge to beat Lifetime with a wire hanger for casting this mess.

You'd think that Kim Kardashian would be grateful to the airlines for always breaking the "all beasts over 20lbs must fly in cargo" for her family by letting them fly in the first class cabin, but apparently she isn't and has accused British Airways of snatching irreplaceable shit from her checked-in luggage. I guess Kim's duffel bag ass was already overstuffed, because that's usually where she keeps all her most valuable items (examples: a back-up rubber face, the heart of a virgin goat in case her creator Lucifer unexpectedly shows up to ask demand another sacrifice, etc..). After a flight from France, Kim opened up her bag and was so shocked and whoreified to find some of her shit missing that she was Tweeted (via DM) about it. The bitch who has no shame shamed British Airways for allegedly stealing from her:

Very disappointed in British Airways for opening my luggage & taking some special items of mine!Some things are sentimental ¬ replaceable

What happened to the days when you could lock your bags! We need to get back to that. There's no sense of security & no trust!

Shame on you

Buuuuut watching a little Keeping Up With The Kardashians will make me smile! Tune into E tonight at the new time of 9/8c!

Hmmm... I wonder what happened to those days? THIS DUMB BITCH. But leave it to Kim to turn a "woe is me" moment into an opportunity to whore her shit show out. Pimp Mama Kris teaches her hos well.

We shouldn't assume that Kim is just setting shit up for her sex tape with Kanye to eventually leak, because I refuse to believe those two sex on each other. They tried once, but they kept fighting over who gets to be on bottom so they can themselves in the ceiling mirror. I'm guessing that one of the valuable items stolen from Kim's luggage was the perfume necklace full of Ray-J's piss she takes wherever she goes. Kim dabs a little on her body to remember where her fame came from. Bitch is sentimental like that.

UsWeekly asked Kim Zolciak of The Real Messes of Atlanta what kind of shit she carries in her purse (at least they didn't ask her what she keeps in her puss), because they're going hard for that Pulitzer, obviously. Personally, I care more about what Sheree keeps in her rent-to-own Louis Vuitton purse (eviction notices, a shrub costume to hide from bill collectors, a sand castle bucket to build the rest of Chateau Sheeree, Popsicle sticks to build Chateau Sheree's foundation, etc...), but I'm posting this because Kim keeps a very important item in her bag: a child-slapping wooden spoon!

Kim, who obviously read Abuelita's Guide to Whoopin' Ass cover-to-cover, says she's never used the wooden spoon, but brings it out whenever one of her kids sasses her ass. Kim said, "I carry a wooden spoon for my kids if they get fresh. I've never used it; I just pull it out and they know I'm serious."

Right. So we're really supposed to believe that the main purpose of that wooden spoon is to keep her kids in check and it isn't to attack all the Benji dogs who try to rescue one of their own from the top of her head? Okay, whatever, Kim.

If Kim is telling the truth, then she should know that there's no need to carry that wooden spoon around. If she wants to stun her children into silence, she should just sing live or pull out her phone and play this for them. Warning: If you're not like me and haven't played this over and over again for years, keep a wooden spoon handy. You will want to hit yourself in the ears with it.

That is what it sounds like when the devil cries and it really is the love song of our time.

Here's Kim and Kroy (I hate to say I would) at some event last month.

Charlize Theron is one of those gorgeous beauties who tries to convince us that when she was a kid, she was a disgustingly gross creature who cowered under a bench in the playground as brats threw peanut shells at her. (Yes, I'm typing from experience.) Charlize is still trying to convince us of that shit and she said in an interview (via The Sun and Gawker) that she had jaundice as a child and the condition left her with a mouth full of not much until she was about 11. Up until then, Charlize said she was walking around looking like a Cyrus.

“My early childhood was quite devastating. I had no teeth until I was 11.I had these fangs because I had jaundice when I was a kid and I was put on so many antibiotics that my teeth rotted. They had to cut them out. So I never had milk teeth. That was tough, you know, being in school having photos taken while I was pretending I had teeth. It was hideous.”

The mother on that Time cover is taking notes like, "Antibiotics, you say?"

I'm trying to figure out if it's worse to have no teeth as a child or to have some amazingly jacked up jank teeth as a child? My teeth were a disaster zone. One tooth looked drunker the next and they were all going to different parties. One toof was stumbling toward the right, another toof was stumbling toward the left and another toof was falling back. If teeth are the grill of the face, then mine were the front of an Oldsmobile Cutlass after it rammed into a metal fence. I had to brush my teeth vertically because that shit was so jagged. I wore a headgear, braces and a golf glove on my hand to stop from sucking my thumb. To this day, golf gloves are still gross to me. Yeah, that's why every time I step into a gay bar, every dude in there puts a golf glove on his dick.

Here's one Toofless Charlize with Kristen Stewart and Sam Claflin at a photo call for that Snow White movie in Madrid yesterday.

As of yesterday, John Doe #1 hired master limousine chaser Gloria Allred to be his new attorney and help him decide whether or not he's going re-file his lawsuit against John Travolta for giving him a hernia test without asking. Since then, a lot more foolery has come flying out and let's get to it so we can exhale before another batch of foolery comes flying out. I swear, I hope Tommy Girl and his Scientology chorus boys re-enact all of this at the church holiday pageant, because this is drama.

John Doe #2 has dropped his lawyer and picked up Gloria Allred too - Just like John Doe #1, John Doe #2 withdrew his $2 million lawsuit against John Travolta this morning and immediately hired Gloria Allred. John Doe #2's the massage therapist at that fancy resort in Atlanta who claims John's anus hole practically tried to eat his finger off. Gloria tells People that they plan to file the lawsuit in another court.

John Travolta's lawyer is shaking his head no to the rumors that they're paying bitches off - John Doe #2's first lawyer said that John Travolta could make everything go away if he simply slipped them $250,000. But John's lawyer Marty Singer tells TMZ that they will never pay a cent and will never settle. Well, I say why should John pull the wad of cash out of his titty cleavage to pay those dudes off when he can get his Scientology bitches to put the spook in them? Those Scientology crazies will haunt John Doe #1 and John Doe #2 forever. I'm pretty sure that creepy bitch with split ends in The Grudge was a Scientologist.

John Travolta tried to put a hickey on Kenickie's dickey - Remember Jeff Conway's beyond crazy fiancee Vikki Lizzi? Vikki tells The National Enquirer (via P6) that when Jeff tried to off himself in 2006, he wrote a suicide note where he claimed that John Travolta sucked him off while he was passed out one night in the 90s. The note went something like, "Life is an ugly thing and I realized this when I woke up and had Travolta's saliva all over my peen. Goodbye cruel world!"

Vikki says that after Jeff caught Travolta sucking on his peen in his sleep, their friendship ended. Jeff also told Vikki that Kelly Preston knows John's butt hole gets hungry for peen and she's okay with it. Kelly is John's happily wedded beard and even signed some sort of contract.

And finally for the grand finale! John Travolta released this Mother's Day video card to Kelly Preston and loooooord this is the most subtle act of damage control I've ever seen. Nothing says "I love my wife's vagina" like a Power Point presentation. Even Tommy Girl's couch jumping theatrics weren't this obvious.

And the best part is that he used a Barbra Streisand song. If that isn't an official coming out announcement, then I really don't know what is.

The entire nation already halfway exhaled when Kim Kardashian FINALLY gave her thoughts on Obama's thought son gay marriage and now we can exhale all the way, because fellow reality show whore Bristol Palin has FINALLY given hers. The authority on whoresome wholesome family values and "traditional" marriage took a break from trying to get on The Choice (I'm guessing that's what she's up to these days) and wrote a blog for Patheos about how Obama's daughters need less Glee in their lives and how statistics show that children who grow up with a mother and a father do better in life. That's Bristol's way of politely telling her son that since a single mother is raising him, he's screwed and he'd be better off being raised by the pieces they chiseled off of her jaw to make way for her new chin.

It took me a while to figure out Bristol's piece wasn't from The Onion, because it's that good. It's just too easy. It's like a monologue from GCB. Clear your throat before you get into this, because you'll need to make way for all the HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAs:

So let me get this straight – it’s a problem if my mom listened too much to my dad, but it’s a heroic act if the President made a massive change in a policy position that could affect the entire nation after consulting with his teenage daughters?

While it’s great to listen to your kids’ ideas, there’s also a time when dads simply need to be dads. In this case, it would’ve been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage. Or that – as great as her friends may be – we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home. Ideally, fathers help shape their kids’ worldview.

In this situation, it was the other way around. I guess we can be glad that Malia and Sasha aren’t younger, or perhaps today’s press conference might have been about appointing Dora the Explorer as Attorney General because of her success in stopping Swiper the Fox.

Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking. In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee.

So Bristol, the daughter of someone who ran for VP, is telling us NOT to listen to the daughters of the President? Oh Bristol, don't listen to 99.9999% of the commenters on your blog calling you a fucking idiot. You're a comedy genius and the show you say is gaying up America should hire you as their head writer. Keep bringing on the funnies, bitch!

Never mind that Tan Mom could use the shade and then some, Snooki has gone against the barbecued ghost of her future and has called Patricia Krentcil, who my friend said looks like Mr. Hankey's long lost mother, "crazy" for turning her skin into burnt crème brûlée and for allegedly letting her 5-year-old tan. The deep fried dingle plucked directly from the sun became a media sensation after she was arrested and charged with felony child abuse for allegedly putting her daughter in a tanning booth. Snooki should be slow clapping for Tan Mom since she's having an incubator turned into a baby tanning bed for her guidoling, but nope! Snooki has turned against one of her own by saying this to Extra:

“That bitch is crazy… you are not supposed to take kids there. Everyone knows you are NOT supposed to take kids there.”

I refuse to believe that the vodka and jacuzzi water lake in Snooki's almost empty head is capable of producing a reasonable thought, so obviously she just said this because she's jealous of Tan Mom. Snooki could lock herself in a tanning bed tomb for weeks on and she'd never come out looking like creamed beef jerky slathered on a scorched hot dog.

And I'm beginning to think that Tan Mom's foundation is made by Minwax, because TMZ talked to her yesterday and she didn't look like a leather sofa cushion with eyes.

Maybe the frosted pink lipstick dims her skin tone?

Bobby Brown is shaking head "no" to the gossip that he's the one who introduced Whitney Houston's nostrils to the bad shit. Bobby B told Matt Lauer on Today this morning that bitches shouldn't put the blame on him for getting Whit hooked on drugs, because she was already in deep before he came into her world. Before Bobby met Whitney, the hardest stuff he put in his body was weed smoke and beer. Whitney's the one who brought narcotics into his life, not the other way around. My eyes are rolling so hard that I can't focus on pulling the showmethereceipts.gif out of my archives, so can you do it for me? Yes, but I can roll my eyes and type at the same time. It's something I learned during cunty bloggers class at The Learning Annex.

Bobby told Matt that Whitney's issue with addiction started before him. Bobby says, "I didn't get high before I met Whitney. I smoked weed, um, I dranked beer, but I wasn't the one that got Whitney on drugs.... I worried about it when we first got together until I tried it. And when I tried it, for some reason I have an addictive personality. It's unexplainable. But no, I wasn't the one who got her addicted to drug. I'm not the reason she's gone." 

Bobby also said that he had "14 beautiful years" with Whitney, but their reality show Being Bobby Brown opened up both of their eyes to how messed up they looked to everybody else. That convinced Bobby to get clean.

I'm not one of those bitches who blames Bobby for Whitney's death or thinks he was the cause of all her addictions. Whitney and Bobby's relationship was toxic for the both of them. Their relationship was like felching someone who just ate a whole bag of prunes. It wasn't going to end well. That being said, Bobby is not sitting there, on a talk show, acting like he was the innocent one. Of course Bobby says this after the fact. Bitch, stop.

May an unpoppable doody bubble haunt Bobby's ass for the rest of his days.

In "Bitch, you know you need to stop" news, Charlie Sheen is threatening to throw a lawsuit at Cheetahs strip club in Manhattan for naming the VIP room after him. The president of Cheetahs says that Charlie isn't mad because the club is using his name to make money, he's mad because men can pay to eat sushi off of semi-naked strippers in the VIP room and he feels this damages his reputation. Charlie does have a point. Charlie has a tarnished, bruised, wart-ridden reputation as the warlock king of sucioness to uphold and eating raw fish off of a bare titty is an act that's way to classy for him. If a dude could pay to snort dried tiger blood out of a hooker's ass crack as a goat slapped its lipstick on his back, Charlie wouldn't be bitching. Here's what the president of Cheetahs told Page Six about Charlie's threats:

“We figured it would be comical to name a room after him. It was a room [with pictures of Charlie in it] where you could dine on sushi served on cellophane on the body of one of our entertainers, not where you do crack. Then we got notification from his lawyer to cease and desist, claiming the usage of his name would be detrimental to his persona. They said they would sue us for millions if we carried on. How could sushi damage Charlie Sheen’s reputation? We thought dedicating a room to dine in his honor would help repair and elevate his image. He should have called us up and thanked us. We have now removed his name, he wasn’t doing big business for us anyway. We had a little ritual and threw his image in garbage — a celebration of Charlie Sheen being dumped.”

Charlie's lawyer says it has nothing to do with his reputation and everything to do with Cheetahs making money off of his name.

Who thought this was a good idea in the first place? If I'm going to nibble on coochie fumes-infused raw salmon, I don't want to do it while staring at a Charlie Sheen picture staring at me. That combination sounds like a quick way to get a case of the barfs and a case of the retina herps.

I'll never know why Cheetahs didn't name their VIP  room "The Piven Cave" in the first place.