Girlfriend Please

That didn't take long. Last night, UsWeekly posted some scandalous (not really) shit about how Jon Gosselin is creeping out on the mama je'e of his 8 million kids with a 23-year-old teacher. The brother of Jon's maybe mistress gave an eloquent interview to Us where he used the words "ick" and "nast" when describing his sister's fuck moans with Jon. Well, all parties involved have hit the old "deny" button. First up is Jon's supposed whore!

Deanna Hummel tells People that her brother is a looser (that's how we spell it around here) who will lie for drug money, "My brother is making this all up. He has no credibility ... I can't even stomach the lies he's saying about me. My brother is very shady. He has no job. He has a criminal background. He was charged for drug distribution. He's on probation right now. He wanted to get back at me ... he knows he's getting kicked out of the house."

So what she's basically saying is that her brother will soon be sharing a studio apartment with Jon once Kate puts his ass on the curb.

And what do Jon & Kate have to say about all of this? Jon tells EW, " It's really upsetting. I may be guilty of choosing the wrong time and place to hang out with my friends, but I am not guilty of cheating on my wife. It hurts me to see what it's done to my family, and it's scary to know that these tabloids are in town constantly following us and even paying locals large amounts of money to contribute to these negative stories. It's even gotten so bad that [one tabloid] has reached out to a youth pastor from our church, which in my eyes is completely unacceptable."

Kate added, "It's disturbing and unfortunate that these tabloids have gone as far as they have to try and bring us down. Jon's poor judgment and irresponsible behavior has also without a doubt caused some added tension and stress between the two of us."

Any bit of life Jon's nutsack had left was sucked out when Kate said that last part. I think I'm falling in love with Kate. I know most of the world wants to stuff her into a cage and leave her out in the sun all day, but I can't help it. She's such a fucking CUNT. With all capitals. Nothing warms my heart more than a major cunt who embraces her cunty ways.

Here comes a story from the Department of Obvious. Paula Abdul had an addiction to pain killers. *crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

The only shocking part is that Paula is actually admitting it. Miss "Ahs nevah been drunkz" and "Ahs nevah taken drugz" is actually confessing that she was forever lidocaine's girl. Every back alley pharmacist from here to Phuket is screaming, "Told you so."

Yes, Paula loved the p-killers. The sweet delicious p-killers. She'd eat them for brunch, lunch and dinner. She'd bathe in them before bedtime. She'd cuddle with them at night. And she probably let them kiss her cat a few times. Well, you know she did. Unfortunately, it became a problem and the little Pillhead had to be shuffled off to rehab last November.

In an interview with Ladies Home Journal (via UsWeekly), Paula said it all started years ago when she regularly stuck her ass with lidocaine shots. In 2005, she was diagnosed "reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome" and the pain was so bad that she had to wear a patch that was 80 times more potent than morphine. Paula also took a nerve medication. And a muscle relaxer.

When Paula realized what the world already knows (that she's out of her fucking head), she checked herself into the La Costa Resort in Carlsbad, CA. Paula says, "I could have killed myself. Withdrawal – it's the worst thing. I was freezing cold, then sweating hot, then chattering and in so much pain. It was excruciating. At my very core, I did not like existing the way I had been."

That sounds like every Sunday morning for me. Get yourself some bacon grease and a Gatorade, Paula.

I will say that Paula doesn't seem like she's flying through the stars as much on Idol this year. So maybe she's off the good shit for now. Although, you know she licks that patch every now and again. For special occasions. Speaking of, where oh where can I get one of those patches?! What dealer do I have to call?! That patch sounds like a beautiful thing. I promise I'll be good to it. I'll sing to it. I'll open doors for it. I'll never leave it or do it wrong. GET ME THAT PATCH.

We all should be born with that patch already installed.

Hulk Hogan said this to Rolling Stone: "I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it."

Linda Hogan has taken that statement, blended it down, rolled it into a tube, dipped it in plastic, let it dry for 48-hours and is now using it to fuck Hulk where it counts: in the wallet. Linda filed papers in court requesting a flat fee of $24,000 AND $8,200 more a month so that she can move to California to get away from Hulk. You know, because she thinks he might pull an OJ on her.

If Hulk doesn't give her more money, Linda will file a domestic violence injunction against him.

Just because Linda looks like a male pot-bellied pig dressed in drag as Hatchet-Face from Cry-Baby, doesn't mean she has chicharrones for brains. Linda probably wanted to move to Los Angeles anyway, so she used Hulk's words as a way to get there without dipping into her own purse (which he funds). Get that money, tranny! And when you do, use some of that money to get a mother/daughter peen snip with Brooke.

Kim Kardassian looked like she got brutally attacked by a gang of Sun-In bottles as she walked the ho stroll in NYC yesterday. I would accept this kind of hair from a junior high-school cholita with big dreams of becoming a blonde, but Kim has enough coins in the bank to pay for a dye job that doesn't look like it was done with a garden hose and generic-brand bleach from Food 4 Less. This mess makes Kim look like a fried government cheese version of JLo.

And I don't think it will make Kim K happy knowing that her new frizzled panko hair makes her "size 2" ass look fat.

UPDATE: Bamboozled! Kim says on her site that it's just a wig. You can come off the ledge now.

File this under: The crackpipe calling the hep stick WHITE TRASH. That made no sense, but just take a bong hit and roll with it. My one brain cell is on Saturday mode.

So, Courtney Love took a break from barfing up all her whippit-infused schizo thoughts on Twitter, to talk to Page Six about the current state of Pamela Anderson. CLove said, "Pam Anderson doesn't even have a credit card. And she lives in Paradise Cove -- which is in Malibu, but it's a trailer park in Malibu."

Doesn't Courtney Love have a credit score of like negative infinity, because "mysterious thieves" (aka her nostrils) ransacked Kurt Cobain's estate and stole millions upon millions of dollars? Court can't even get one of those fake credit cards they send you in junk mail. And if she did, you know that crazy would try to use it! CLove needs to stop! You know that bitch is temporarily living in the septic tank under the toilet in Pamela's Malibu trailer. Stop putting on airs!

Last night, we all probably had the same nightmare: St. Angie and her holy family were sitting all alone in their huge mansion and they were STARVING. Ravenous! Pax was in the corner chewing on a baseboard, Maddox was nibbling on Shiloh's hair and Zahara was trying to kill mice with her eyes so they could roast 'em in the back on a BBQ made out of a trash can. Well, you can breath a huge sigh of relief, because UsWeekly has let it be known that the holy family went grocery shopping at Stop & Shop on Saturday!!!! Put down the phone to the Food Bank, they won't need to make a delivery to the Brangie house.

Seriously, this mess was the TOP STORY this morning. But I know why, because after I read it I actually thought for 2 seconds about what they bought. And when I read this quote from a peon, "They gave autographs and allowed people to take pictures of them inside...very nice," I wondered if they signed shit like melons or a big ham. Fuck, I would've made them sign a box of Summer's Eve and a pack of suppositories.

In order for me to close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep tonight, I need someone out there to tell me that all their bowel movements are regular. Oh wait, they don't go caca.

After Vadge got dropped on her roidy ass (which probably killed a whole colony of ants living down below) by a really hot horse, she blamed the whole thing on a paparazzo. Vadge's spokeswhore said that a pap jumped out of the bushes, freaking the horse out and causing Baby Jesus' pimp to hit the ground. The pap said Vadge and her slaves were telling major major lies. According to his ass, he was only around before and after the fall, but not during. He said that if he was around, he would've gotten pictures of her flying off her high horse. And those pictures would've immediately been hung over my bed, so that I could go to bed and wake up with a smile on my mug.

The cops who took Vadge's statement are apparently sliding up to the pap's side. Sgt. Herbert Johnson of the Southampton Police Department told TMZ, "There is no mention of photographers. It's a matter of spin control that went out of control. If they felt there was something else, they would have written 'paparazzi' in the form -- if they felt there was a problem."

Why does Vadge gotta lie like that? She has no reason to be embarrassed. Everyone already knows that most living things don't want her riding their backs. I mean, her tarantula crotch can pinch through the toughest saddle, so that horse looked up to the sky, said a prayer and tossed the cuntrag. It tried to make it work.

The next time you get caught by the police doing some wrong shit that will make Jesus shake his head in shame, just shrug your shoulders and explain, "I was just joking, officer! When I shanked that bitch in the eye for stealing my stash, I meant it as a joke! Durr." You can thank Brit Brit's stalker for that excuse.

As some of you hos may know, MC Hammer was arrested Thursday morning for trespassing on the grounds of Brit Brit's House of Cheetos with a video camera. After she was released on a citation, Miranda Tozier-Robbins told Access Hollywood (via OK!) that it was all a joke and she didn't mean it like that.

The Cheetofucker reached into her pee-hole and pulled out this LOLexcuse, “The whole thing — it was all a joke in the beginning, everybody knew about it. It was supposed to be like a ‘Paparazzi 101’ documentary type deal. What originally was supposed to happen was, I was going to tape whatever I could get. I would be like, far away doing a stakeout. It didn’t work out as planned, so when I was already halfway there in the mountains [around Britney’s home], it was already Wednesday night/Thursday morning ... I already knew Britney herself wouldn’t be there, but it’s like, I came that far, I might as well go see the house, at least get the house on tape, because I know people would be interested in seeing stuff like that. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, you understand? She’s coming through on the tour, on the stop, it’s like take your chance. Take the opportunity, do it. It wasn’t really stalking her, it was more plotting out how to get to her house.”

That explanation was ripped from an episode of Cops. You know, when I took a hit of my bong this morning, I wasn't really trying to get high, it was more like me trying to plot out how to get high if I wanted to. Sense: Miranda T doesn't have any.

You know what's the biggest joke of them all? The fact that a crazy bitch will hike through the mountains to stalk Brit Brit Spears. You just have to laugh to keep from choking on your own tears over that one. I mean, homeboy risked getting mauled by a mountain lion for a Cheetotard! That is too much work. All Miranda had to do was set up camp near a random bag of Cheetos and wait a few seconds. It wouldn't take long for Our Lady of Cheetos to sniff it out and stroll right in.

"Mahs Pappy is druggin' me!!!" That's what Brit Brit Spears is reportedly telling her friends. Some source (*cough*osamalutfi*cough*) tells Look Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that the Cheetoneck thinks Daddy Spears has upped her medication to keep her druggy druggy and under his spell.

The source said, “Britney is sure her father is out to get her and that he’s drugging her to turn her into a zombie who won’t fight back. Ever since her breakdown last year when she was hospitalized, she’s been on prescription pills to battle her panic attacks. Her doctors have also prescribed anti-anxiety drugs Valium and Ativan to deal with stress and to help her sleep. As part of the court-ordered conservatorship, Jamie has to make sure Britney takes the correct dosage because she forgets to take them otherwise. But lately she’s been nodding off randomly in the middle of conversations and is convinced it’s because Jamie’s giving her too much much."

Brit Brit has apparently been secretly texting Landing Strip again asking for his help. Oh, Brit. Just lay back, enjoy the ride and watch the glittery Chester Cheetahs dance around in the sparkly Frapp rain.

For real, I do not see the problem here. If my daddy made me cheese grits with VELVEETA and fed me Valium like it was Rollitos, not only would I never leave home, I'd also nominate him for Daddy of the Millennium! I would even ignore the horrific fact that he always wears his cell phone on the outside of his pocket. Just pour some Valium grits in my mouth and I'll do whatever you say!

Peta's main hooker, Pamela Anderson, has been booked to bring her skankness to the opening of a strip club in NYC. A strip club that is also a steakhouse. A steakhouse serves meat. Meat comes from slaughtered cows. Pamela claims to get sad in the face when a cow gets it. Oh well, IN THIS ECONOMY, a bitch has got to do what a bitch has got to do to make money to buy her UGGS...which are made out of sheepskin. Pamela puts the HO in phony.

Peta quickly issued a statement to TMZ defending their biggest prosty:

"Pam is not a host but may be attending as an invited guest, and since steakhouses nowadays have some of the best salad bars and veggie options around, we're sure she'll find plenty to eat should she attend."

Oh, Peta. Don't shove a big piece of tofu in my mouth and call it juicy steak. It doesn't really bother me that Pam is whoring herself out at meat market, but I don't know if it's a match. I mean, do they really want their steakhouse associated with a giant chunk of rotten beef? Pam is not USDA-approved.

I know I'm gayer than one of Adam Lambert's dingles, but do dudes really like their pussy with a side of juicy beef. I like surf and turf, but not like this! I guess when you order medium rare beef curtains you have to be specific!

And how long do you think it will take until Heather Mills becomes a featured entertainer at this joint?