Girlfriend Please

White Oprah, her mother and her 14-year-old daughter infected Harlem yesterday....WAIT. Let's put this shit on pause for a minute. How in the name of Herbie is Ali Lohan 14?! I mean, maybe this girl is on to something. Maybe looking like a twice divorced mother of three who works as a telemarketer by day and a NJ taxi dancer by night is the new thing for teen girls? OLD is new, I guess. Ali better take a good look at Granny Lohan, because that's what she's going to look like in 10 years.

As I was typing......White Oprah and clan visited a community center in Harlem, because they wanted to give back. BIG HA! They were there to shoot scenes for their new reality show.

You have to see the pictures below of White Oprah busting a move. The girls are laughing at her ass!

Or is it perspiration to us all? Parasite Hilton held a press conference in Turkey to talk about what a skank slut she is. Paris defended herself against the "media lies" and thinks she's a good role model to little girls.

She said, "I don't pay attention to lies because I am a good person. I work very hard and I've built this empire on my own. I think this is an inspiration for a lot of girls out there."

Hold up! Who answered this question? Paris or her vagina? Paris' vagina is the only thing that's working hard for the money. Come on Paris! Give your pussy a little credit. It's starting to cry red tears of blood. That might be an infection, but it could also be you hurting its feelings. Poor pussaaaay.

Oh and that baby isn't sleeping, it's fallen into a coma from Paris' toxic skank. Luckily, they gave baby some Valtrex and it's healthy again.

Source: OK! Magazine

Remy Ma was cuffed and taken away today after she was found guilty on four charges. SOHH reports that Remy cried, "Oh My God" as they escorted her out of the courtroom. That's right kitten. Kiss the peen goodbye and say hello to the cat!

Remy was found guilty on charges of first-degree assault, attempted coercion, possession of a deadly weapon, and felony assault. She faces up to 25 years in the big house.

Remy shot a friend, Makeda Barnes-Joseph, last July after she accused the woman of taking $3,000 from her purse. Remy's lawyer tried to make the shooting look like an accident. An accident? What the hell did she tell the judge? "I don't know how it happened your honor! I accidentally bought this gun, then I accidentally loaded it, then I accidentally put it in my purse, then I accidentally took it out, then I accidentally cocked it and then I accidentally shot the bitch!"

Makeda and her family jumped for joy when the verdict came down. Makeda better jump right out of the country, because Remy is going to get revenge.

It looks like Foxy Brown has a new cellmate!

Above is a picture of Jessica Lange from 2003 (on the left) and a picture from last month. Jessica has fired back at the National Enquirer for insinuating that she's had plastic surgery. The Enquirer brought in a plastic surgeon to examine recent pictures of Jessica. The surgeon talked about her "overly arched brows" and catwoman-like face.

Jessica's rep said, "It's absolutely not true. And Jessica will not comment on it because it's not true."

How dare the Enquirer even think Jessica would do such a thing! Don't they know that aging Hollywood actresses never get work done. It would fuck with their craft! They should apologize right away and send a custom build-a-bear for upsetting her.

Jessica is just a superhuman. She was given these powers after her hot ass performance in "All That Jazz." Most woman's eyebrows tend to fall as they age, but since Jessica is a superhuman, her eyebrows get closer to God. Her eyebrows will be 6-inches above her head in about 10 years.

Seriously, Jessica needs to stop with the lie telling.

Source

Angelina Jolie could command up to $10 million for the first exclusive pictures of her twins. Celebrity weekly editors told Page Six that the business of buying baby pictures is out of control. Xtina reportedly got $1.5 million from People while JLo took home $6 million.

One editor said, "It's at the point now where some stars might decide to have more kids just to collect the money from their photos." Hmm....you hear that Tori Spelling? We're on to you!

Barry Levine of the National Enquirer said the weeklies don't mind paying, because their numbers go up and they can sell the pictures overseas, "It's outrageous, they've gotten very sophisticated. The rights are bought up now even before the celeb enters the hospital. They hire extra security so it's impossible to obtain a photo illegally." Barry said that in 1989 he paid Lisa Marie Presley $100,000 for her baby pictures.

If I was paying $10 million for pictures of two sleeping babies, I'd also want a lap dance from Brad, an autographed picture from Maddox and the secret to Angelina Jolie's hypnotic vagina.

I would be shocked and appalled if Brangelina sold off their pics. They think they are to good for that shit. Instead, they will commission a bronze statue of their new chosen ones that will sit outside the United Nations.

The wrath of Tameka Foster has returned! She was in remission for a while, because she had a baby. The bitch is back. It all started when Tameka found out that the gorgeous Keri Hilson was going to be in Usher's new video. Keri was handpicked by Usher.

Tameka reportedly tried hard to keep Keri's level of beauty to a minimum. A source told Page Six, "Even in rehearsals she was weird and clearly not happy that Keri is so gorgeous. Tameka threw a lot of attitude. The day of the shoot, Tameka dressed Keri very badly - she looked like an extra. Tameka wouldn't let Keri have her hairdresser there - she had to use the hairdresser who was doing the extras."

Tameka also banned Usher's longtime choreographer, Jamaica, from the set. Tameka has had issues with Jamaica in the past.

Usher's manager, Benny Medina, said, "Keri could not have been happier with Tameka's choices in the styling, hair and makeup . . . Jamaica was flown out and arrived a day late to do Keri's choreography, and was on-set at all times. The shoot itself went brilliantly."

It's nice to see that Tameka's rage is back. I've been missing it.

Tameka needs to stop, chill and spend some of her husband's money. Tameka has the man and the baby, so her future earnings have already been figured out. What she really needs to do is start negotiating with People Magazine for her baby pictures. Where the hell is her $3 million baby picture deal? Tameka, step it up!

Stop worrying about the petty shit in life and start worrying about the important shit....MONEY!

Those stupid ass judges on American Idol keep praising David Cook for being so fucking original. The bitch is not original! He's extra crispy! Last night, he sang Chris Cornell's version of Jacko's Billie Jean. Ryan Gaycrest credited Cornell before David Cook's performance, but the judges still commented on how "brave" and "original" he was. Tell Paula to put down the freon tea, pick up a dictionary and look up the word "original." David does do a good job, but they need to stop praising him for being a musical genius.

David also copied Incubus' version of Hello and Doxology's version of Eleanor Rigby. He's doing what all the other contestants are doing. He's doing a cover of a cover.

Above is David's version of Billie Jean last night and below is Chris Cornell's. Oh and I'll get to Kristy Likes Cocks a little later. I'm still processing that bitch's slick ass move.

Some nerds at the New England Historic Genealogical Society in Boston have discovered that Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt. They also discovered that Angie Jolie is a distant cousin of Hillary Clinton. Oh no! A political war is going to tear Brangelina's blessed union to shreds.

Hills is also a distant cousin of Madonna, Celine Dion and Alanis Morisette. Obama is also releated to six president including Dubya.

One of Hillary's bitches said, "You'd think with all that singing talent in the family she'd be able to carry a tune. But now it makes much more sense how she snagged a Grammy."

I'm probably related to both Obama and Hills! Fuck, we're all related. We're all related and we're all fucking each other. This means we're all committing incest. You nasty bitches!

I think I'll spend my weekend trying to figure out how the hell I'm related to Bill Gates. This way I'll have a good reason to knock on his door and hit him up for some real cash.

Source

Thanks MISSterious

Spencer Pratt's advice column for Radar called Yo Spencer! has finally arrived. The Hills douche will shell out advice to readers every week on Radar Online. Here's a question he answered this week:

YO SPENCER! I just started dating this guy who I really like. The other night, we went out and got hammered. I ended up passing out in his bed. When I woke up, I discovered that I had wet the bed. I was so embarrassed that I left while he was still asleep. If I call him, do I have to apologize or can I pretend it never happened? Or do I have to wait for him to call me?

Wow! This is a situation you do not want to find yourself in. I personally would never want to be with a girl who gets so wasted that she's pissing in bed. It's time to sign up for AA, my dear, because drunks are not sexy. Regardless, if the guy's really, really, really cool, he might understand. But I wouldn't count on it. Best bet is to be honest and tell him that was the drunkest you've ever been and that it was a huge mistake and it'll never happen again. And make sure you buy him new sheets.

What the hell kind of advice is that? Boooring. I'd tell that bitch that unless the dude's name is R. Kelly or Kim Kardashian, he's probably not going to call. She also needs to go to the doctor, because nasty bitch has bladder issues. I'd also tell the girl, "It's ok Heidi. Spencer will forgive you for pissing in the bed. MTV will make him."

Spencer was also asked about how he deals with his haters. Spencer loves his haters and went on to say, "I flipped a couple haters at Benihana just last night."

Visit Radar to read the entire column

Kate Moss' piece, Jamie Hin, hates all the attention he's getting for dating a major celebrity. He doesn't understand why the paps follow a "nobody" like him around. What's to understand. You're dating SnagTooth Moss! Fug should have thought about that.

Jamiesaid, "It's definitely unwanted. I don't want to be part of lowering cultural standards in any way. If someone like me, who is basically nobody, is reported on for going to a bar... then what have we become?"

Yes our society has gone to shit, but who cares about that! That's not the point. Jamie needs to stop his whining. Dreamboat Doherty would never complain about such nonsense. I'm sure Jamie loves all the new attention his band is getting. He's also giving mixed messages. Here he is in Amsterdam with Kate smiling at the cameras. Don't smile if you hate the attention! Take a note from MiserAlba and scowl at them in disgust.