Girlfriend Please

Bret Michaels was asked by the Associated Press if he found true love with his Rock of Love 2 pick, Ambre Lake. Before I tell you what the fuck he said, I want to let you know how hard it is for me to not type AMBER. It's fucking AMBER not AMBRE. Does she pronounce it Ambreeeee? Her parents are probably dyslexic like me. I'll get over it after a few slices of pizza. So....Bret answered, "I found someone who is really nice and cool and gets rock ’n’ roll. We can see when it goes from here."

That means he's dumped the old hag and hasn't returned her calls. When asked why he started doing Rock of Love, he said, "I said this from day one: I went into this to have fun and maybe find someone to like. True love is not going to be found instantly on a TV show." Not fucking true. Luke and Star Eyes Laura are the real deal. Yes, they came from a scripted soap opera, but it's the love affair of our time.

Bret said he isn't sure if they are doing a Rock of Love 3, but he is working on dumbass reality show called “Bret Michaels Big Rock Road Show” which is about rockers on the road.

He also gave the answer to the 10 cent question of the day. What is under that bandanna? "My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer. I do the show without it on all the time and they wont film me. They are like, “Put your bandanna back on. It is your image.” It is my signature thing. " Europe like a motherfucker. He buys that shit at Sally's Beauty Supply.

They tell him to put the bandanna back on, because he makes the whores cry if he doesn't. Nobody likes a crying whore. Seriously, that shit is sad.

Image: Vh1 Blog

18-year-old Hayden Panatroll said that becoming a celebrity turned her into a hermit. She hardly goes out and drives everywhere, so she won't be recognized on the street.

Hayden said, "I stay at home. I go from garage to garage, and keep myself out of sight." That is the trolliest quote I have ever heard. She stays in the dark too and feeds on the rats that come crawling through her cave.

Hayden thinks being famous is a "pain in the ass." She told Celebs on Sunday, "This business is very intrusive. People want to know what you’re doing every day, and it becomes less about your craft and your art, and your love for acting, than it is about when you put food in your mouth, or when you’re walking your dog."

Awwww! Hayden thinks she's an actress. That's sort of endearing.

HoHan and friends were recently having a laugh at Jessica Simpson's expense. They were laughing at Jessica's tranny mess Esquire cover which was a recreation of Virna Lisi's cover from the 60.s

The NYDN claims HoHan said, "I so already did that." She was apparently referring to her Marilyn Monroe cover for New York Magazine. Although, maybe HoHan was referring to Jessica herself. I bet those two totally bumped figs after too many Sex on the Beaches.

Both of their covers are hard-on killers. It's not a good thing when their pictures could easily be used on a promo card for tranny night at the local gay club.

Speaking of pre-ops....here's our favorite female-to-male tranny, Samantha Ronson, with HoHan the other night.

Beyonce and Jay-Z sat courtside at the Rockets vs. Suns game last night in Houston and both were not wearing wedding rings. I find myself blowing up pictures of them and carefully searching for the slightest glimmer of a ring. Pathetic! Why do I care so much? Even Solange is cackling at me. I bet this was all planned from the beginning by Papa Knowles. They are getting so much attention, because they haven't confirmed their marriage.

Papa Joe Simpson is probably beating his willy with a wet paddle for not coming up with this scheme for his precious Asshole and Jessica.

Feminist hero and glorified skank, Heidi Montag, galloped down the catwalk last night for the launch of Heidiwood for Anchor Blue. Heidi's pony show was held at the Hollywood & Highland Center.

Racked LA reports that in honor of this momentum occasion, the center was renamed Heidiwood & Highland for one day. That sounds pretty fitting since Hollywood & Highland is going to be Heidi's corner in a few years when the "reality whore thing" stops working out for her.

The fashion show featured Heidi wannabes modeling her trash. None of them really looked like they should be grazing in the open fields, so they weren't much of a Heidi look-alike.

Britney Spears gave "How I Met Your Mother" record ratings, but that doesn't seem to faze Doogie Howser. Doogie is done with Brit and doesn't want her on the show anymore. It was just a one-night stand. How cold! He just loves and leaves them.

Doogie told People, “I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed. I worry that if they start Will and Grace-ing us too much, that the show will suffer. And we’re all really proud of the content of the show.”

Instead of leaving it at that, Doogie went on, “I mean, viewership is not our game. It’s the network and the studio’s game, you know. It’s the promotion department’s game."

And on.... "We wish we weren’t opposite an awkward reality dancing competition (DWTS). But we have no say about that. I just am a real fan of our content." AND ON...Seriously STFU!!! "I think we have a great show going, and I hope it’s not screwed up by the desire for 700,000 more viewers.”

That was such a compelling argument. Too bad it's full of kitty doo. Doogie should hope for more "stunt casting," because that's the only thing that's going to keep him with a job. The show is that close to being replaced by reruns of "Two and Half Men" and then where Doogie will be?

Above is a picture of Doogie with Britney Spears in 20 years.

The Richies all came out together to the ASCAP Pop Awards last night. Nicole's mommy, Brenda Richie, told UsWeekly that her granddaughter is already talking. Harlow Kate Winter Madden is only three months old, but Brenda claims she already said her first word. Was this before or after Brenda's 4th martini?

Brenda said, "The other day I was holding her, and Harlow said, 'Hi!' I said, 'Nicole, did you hear that? Nicole said, 'I don't think she knew what she was saying! Nicole talks to Harlow constantly, and she tries to answer back!" Sad Clown Baby wasn't trying to say HI. She was trying to say, "HO, your bref stinks like happy hour." She couldn't get the words out, but she'll get there.

Here's more pics of Lionel, Nicole and his other daughter Sophie last night. Scary Spice, Fuggie and Elliot Yamin were also there. I also couldn't forget to add the extreme sexiness of Verdeen White.

Fishsticks Paltrow was at a Breast Cancer Research event last night in NYC when she was asked about attending BeyBey's wedding to Jay-Z. The lying fishy answered, "What wedding? I was watching a movie on Friday night."

I can tell when Fishy lies. Her face scrunches up like a frigid, constipated trout. Oh, that's her regular face.

Here's more pics of Fishy looking like her mother's older sister last night with Liz Hurley. I also threw in a nearly perfect Padma Lakshmi.

When your titties look like Phoebe Price's chicken cutlet cheeks, it's time to cover up those things for good. I just want to take Rachael Ray's titty cutlets, pour EVOO all over them, stick up the oven and broil that shit until they are burned up.

Those titties look like they are trying to hide in her armpits. They are probably afraid of her. She totally beats on them with a ladle when she's angry.

And homo husband needs to lay off the poppers! His face says "popper heaven" all over it.

Here's cutlet titties and homo husband at the Food Bank event in NYC last night.

Everyone hates Dane Cook! Add his Los Angeles neighbors to that growing list. Neighbors are shitting mad at Dane, because he doesn't pick up after his dog, Beast. A source told Page Six, "They've sent him three notices so far over the last year warning him he'll be evicted, and they have video. The neighbors all hate him."

I don't know why Dane has such a problem with shit considering he's full of it. Shit has gotten so bad that Dane's landlord has filed a complaint in court. Dane's rep denies the allegations and said he is "looking forward to complete vindication through the legal proceedings."

There is a special place in hell for people that don't pick up dog shit. They will spend eternity on a dog shit mountain with dog diarrhea constantly raining down on them. On the flip side, there is a special place in heaven for people (i.e. ME) that do pick up their dog caca. The worst is when you see a dog owner placing a bag directly under their big dog's ass to collect the fresh doo pouring out. I try to throw them a fake understanding smile, but I'm really trying to hold down the vom.