Girlfriend Please

Jeremy Piven is in NYC to continue arbitration with the producers of Speed of the Plow. The producers want Piven to pay up for abruptly bouncing out of the show causing ticket sales to dive. Piven cried "mercury poisoning", because he claims he ate too much sushi. (Insert Pig Pen pussy joke here).

The producers think something in the milk ain't clean about that whole mercury poisoning crap, but it's a serious matter for Piven. Piven told Michigan Avenue Magazine (via Page Six) that the real truth about the dangers of mercury will soon be revealed, "The Obama administration came out and said the No. 1 chemical problem in the world is mercury . . . there will be a lot of documentaries coming out showing what happens when you have too much mercury in your system." Then Piven joked, "It sounds like some crazy rich man's disease."

Maybe Piven had a little mercury poisoning, but the real reason why he quit that bitch had to do with the permanent case of douche flu he suffers from. And the cokey-litis he comes down with every now and again didn't help matters.

It's like when a dumb ho calls in sick to work and you know they are really just going to the beach to sun their nalgas. Then they come in the next day whining about how they were on death's door. You try not to slap their ass while staring at their new natural blonde highlights and sunburn. Piven, I can see your new highlights and sunburn. Just stop!

SPOILER ALERT: The "dumb ho" was me.

Have your eyeballs been feeling a little out of shape and flabby? Do they have love handles? Do their tummies jiggle when they walk? Well, you're in luck, because here's a little article that will get them rolling. Feminist Naomi Wolf wrote a piece for Harper's Bazaar about how Saint Angelina Jolie is the greatest thing since self-lubricating dildos. Slip on your sweat band, it's time for eyeball calisthenics again!

The piece is titled: "Why Women Want Angelina Jolie's Life"

Angie is the most gorgeous woman on the planet: "Bosomy and wasp-waisted, with that curtain of hair and those crazy pillowy lips, she is an obvious male sex fantasy...Polls also show that if women — not just lesbian and bisexual women but straight women — had to choose a female lover, they would want to sleep with Angelina Jolie. In other words, women both identify with her and desire her."

Angie is more than just a gorgeous face: "There’s something more than a simply physical response. Her persona hits an unprecedented level of global resonance — and makes women want to be with her and be her at the same time — because she has created a life narrative that is not just personal. Rather, it is archetypal. And the archetype is one that really, for the first time in modern culture, brings together almost every aspect of female empowerment and liberation."

Angie can get away with being sexy and a symbol of goodness: "The magic of Jolie’s self-presentation? She makes the claim, with her life and actions, that, indeed, you can get away with it. All of it . Against every Western convention, she has managed to draw together all of these kinds of female liberation and empowerment. And her gestures determinedly transgress social boundaries — boundaries of convention, race, class, and gender — giving many of us a vicarious thrill. When the megascandal took place — Jolie’s alleged seduction of a married man, Brad Pitt, on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith — it could have been the end of Jolie as a role model. But she managed the almost unheard-of task of turning the home-wrecker label into a wholesome, family-friendly triumph."

Angie knows how to fly a plane: "Women are so used to being dependent on others (certainly on men) for where they go, metaphorically, and how they get there. Flying a private plane is the classic metaphor for choosing your own direction; usually, that is a guy thing to do, yet there was Jolie, with her aviator glasses on, taking flying lessons so she could blow the mind of her four-year-old son."

Angie is a lover: "Equally ostentatiously in her role as lover, she took for her own pleasure the male seen as the most desired of the tribe, Brad Pitt, who is always ranked at the top of indexes of male beauty and virility. As for the constraints of social convention — ahem, he was still married? You can have a variety of feelings about this, but Jolie’s evident disdain of that social constraint certainly, for better or worse, put her in the same self-entitled category as those men who have traditionally taken what they wanted and let the emotional chips fall where they may."

Final barfness: "So she becomes what psychoanalysts call an 'ego ideal' for women — a kind of dream figure that allows women to access, through fantasies of their own, possibilities for their own heightened empowerment and liberation."

You can read the entire article (yes, there's more) at Harper's Bazaar. I'm going to warn you that your eyeballs may fall off and roll away. Seriously, it felt like I was reading someone's diary. I bet Naomi sleeps next to a jar full of Angie's hair which she got on eBay. But I feel the same way about Shauna Sand. Just substitute the name "Angelina Jolie" for "Shauna Sand" and this entire essay would make sense.

And just for the record, as a strictly dickly bitch, I can say that Angelina Jolie is not the chick I'd go lesbian for. Her vagina would probably cast a spell on more or take a chunk out of my taint. No gracias.

VIA People

If Gordon Ramsay ever called me a "stupid dumb donkey pig cunt" in person, my ears would probably have an orgasm. Hell's Kitchen is like porn to my ears. But some think Gordon might have jumped way over the line recently and now a women's group is calling for his head on a platter with a rotten apple stuffed in it!

Over the weekend at a food show in Melbourne, Gordon tore into Australian journalist Tracy Grimshaw. Gordon told the crowd, "We were secret lovers for 20 years. No, I didn’t go there and I didn’t go down. I didn’t stoop that low for God’s sake." Gordon sprinkled more love all over Tracy by calling her an "old ugly lesbian pig." When the audience gasped, Gordon said, "What? I'm not saying she's a dyke." Gordon didn't stop there and hit the gas pedal by showing a picture of a nekkid woman with a pig face on her knees. Gordon described the picture for the audience, "That's Tracy Grimshaw ... holy crap. I had an interview with her yesterday. She needs to see Simon Cowell's Botox doctor."

Most of the audience told the Herald Sun that they found Gordon's rant "disgusting" and "totally sexist." Gordon's spokeswhore said he was only having a laugh and he has a great relationship with Tracy. Tracy doesn't think so. She went on her show tonight in Australia and said she has no idea why Gordon fucked her with a chainsaw like that.

Tracy said, "Gordon Ramsay made me promise not to ask on Friday about his private life. He then got on stage on Saturday and made some very clear and uninformed insinuations about mine. Obvious Gordon thinks that any woman who doesn't find him attractive must be gay. For the record, I don't. And I am not. Gordon Ramsay has always had fair and generous treatment on this program but despite what his publicist said in damage control, we do not have a great relationship. We do not have a relationship at all. I was absolutely miserable when I found out late Saturday afternoon. He says it's a joke. Well, not to me or anyone who cares about me. Truly, I wonder how many people would laugh if they were effectively described as an old, ugly pig. But we all know that bullies thrive when no-one takes them on, and I'm not going to sit meekly and let some arrogant narcissist bully me."

My guess is that Gordon asked to tickle Tracy's nether regions after their interview and she shut him down. So he got revenge! But what I want to know is if Gordy has ever looked into a mirror? I mean, telling someone they need botox when he looks like a Shar-Pei's ass just out of the dryer! Even all the grout and spackle in the land couldn't fill those deep rivers in his face.

You really wouldn't guess that Kate Hudson passes her vagina around like pork dumplings at dim sum, but bitch is a mega slut. If I was her mother, this would bring tears of joys to my eyes, because she would be following in my footsteps. However, Kate's mother is crying tears of SHAME! The Daily Mail says that Private Benjamin has begged Kate to give A-Roid's peen the pink slip. Goldie thinks it's time that Kate curb her pussay, put a lock on it and let it breathe a bit.

A source said, "Kate’s had a string of boyfriends since her divorce from Chris Robinson and it’s always the same pattern – she falls hard and fast, then gets bored or has her heart broken. Goldie hates the idea of seeing Kate getting hurt again."

Kate's vagina is howling too loud for her to hear her mother's pleas, because she's taking her relationship with A-Roid to the next level. Kate has apparently already introduced A-Roid to her son.

While I agree with Goldie that Kate needs blow a goodbye kiss to A-Rod's roid rod, I disagree that she needs to stop her whore ways. If you don't have a full-time fuck partner, why not take a few part-time jobs to keep the genital area active in the community. Kate just needs to learn that just because her chocha is smiling, doesn't mean it's true love. Bitch probably falls in love at first dick tip. She needs to work on that shit.

Heidi Montag was rushed to a hospital in Costa Rica yesterday after she started "convulsively throwing up" after spending one full day with Spencer Pratt in a dark room. You do the math. If you were stuck in a confined space with that dingle berry, you'd probably dry heave so much that you'd turn inside out.

Twit & Twat were sent to "The Lost Chamber" by the producers of I'm A Fucktard..... Why The Hell Are People Paying Attention To Me? as a way to redeem themselves for quitting the show. They were given cots to sleep on, water to drink and rice and beans to eat. Peep at their quarters here. It kind of looks like my first apartment, only cleaner.

TMZ says that after the 24 hours were up, Heidi was so sick that she was taken to the hospital where doctors diagnosed her with a "gastric ulcer." Is "gastric ulcer" Costa Rican doctor talk for "chronic famewhore-itis"? Or maybe bitch got dry shampoo poisoning.

Heidi has been released and is currently on meds. Apparently, Twit & Twat want off the show for good now, but they signed a tiny little thing called "a contract." Spencer has fired his lawyer for telling him to stay on the show and now he's threatening to sue NBC.

Some of the cast members are trying to get off the show, but their passports have been held hostage. Wait. Is this some genius plan concocted by the US Government and NBC to rid this country of our biggest pieces of trash? Why oh why didn't they lure Katherine Heeeeigl down there with a carton of Reds or CHERYL BURKE with a stack of buttery pancakes. WHY?! Naw. This smells, tastes and looks like a publicity stunt. This whole thing has probably been scripted from the beginning and I bet they aren't even in Costa Rica. They are probably shooting this on the Gilligan's Island set at Universal Studios.

That being said, I will be tuning in on Monday night to see how this fakery plays out..... Why do I hate myself so much? I need to be hugged by a "Hang in There" poster.

While I was going through old pictures of Angie Jo before she became a saint, I found this jewel from 1998. It made me miss the old Angie. Look at her just sitting there in her polyester-blend suit. The Angie of yesterday could easily have a Chico's kind of day and love every minute of it. The Angie of today doesn't ever have days like that anymore. Come on, Angie. Slip into a Chico's suit and give us a smile while posing in front of a palm tree. It cures all. Sigh. Now on to Angie and Oprah's cock fight for power....

After two years, Oprah's reign as the most powerful of all on Forbes' The Celebrity 100 list has come to an end. Oprah was pushed off her throne by Angelina Jolie. Even though Oprah made $275 million last year and Angie made $27 million, the latter managed to whore herself out more in the media. Forbes' list is based on media exposure and earnings.

Rounding out the top 10 is:

3. Vadge ($110 million)
4. Beyonce ($87 million)
5. Tiger Woods ($110 million)
6. Bruce Springsteen ($70 million)
7. Steven Spielberg ($150 million)
8. Jennifer Aniston ($25 million)
9. Brad Pitt ($28 million)
10. Spaghetti Cat (a couple of dried noodles)

St. Angie may rule the sun and the moon, but I still don't think that's enough for her to be considered more powerful than THE MIGHTY O. In a battle to the death between St. Angie's child army and Oprah's army of crazy menopausal audience members led by Gayle King, we know who would win. All Oprah has to do is throw one of her free "favorite things" on Angie and cackle as her followers devour the saintly one whole.

Evangeline Lilly, the one ho who has no business being on Lost, was asked by Women's Health who in Hollyweird she admirers the most. Evangeline said Angie Jo, but then went on to say that Maddox's favorite shooting partner has a heart that is best served in a cup with whiskey over it.

Evangelina (typo, but it fits perfectly) queefed, "No one knows that woman; she's a complete ice queen, which is perfect. Why should she be any more? She doesn't owe us anything." And when asked if she'd want Angie's life, she answered, "Sure, I'd love to be her, but just the humanitarian side."

Actually, Angie owes me 1 hour and 40 minutes of my life back for the time I wasted watching Life or Something Like It.

Evangeline shouldn't throw the term "ice queen" around like that. Where I come from, that title is a high honor and Angie has not earned it! She tries, but fails. I mean, Nicole Kidman has worked her entire life for that title! She is the premiere ice queen of Hollywood! Deservingly so! To quote the legendary Joan Rivers: "She's so cold! I'll just bet she has her period in cubes." I bet Angie Jo doesn't do that. Well, I bet she doesn't get her period at all! Saints don't get periods!

VIA People

Yesterday, a blog post Gayken wrote on his $29.95 a year members-only website about his thoughts on Glamberace and the overall American Idol machine made the internet rounds. In the long ass post, Gayken said that Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed. He also said that American Idol played favorites this season and chose to focus on a bitch who is already all professional and shit. BLAH, right? Well, Gayken has hopped back on his custom-made sparkly pink MacBook (you know it is) to clear the fart he left after writing that shit.

Gayken's response is equally as cunty. Or maybe I feel that way, because I can't help picturing girlfriend shaking his head and snapping his fingers while writing it.

Gayken's whole "Sowwy (but not really)" rant is after the jump. Again, this is a loooooong one, so bring a Lunchables. JUMP!

Oh, that Kanye! He really knows how to keep the LOLs rolling through the internets. He should take his act on the road and call it the Delusional Kings of Comedy! Kanye just loves to fart in his own hand, inhale it (it's like helium), hit the CAPS-LOCK key and then go fucking at it. That's what must have done today with this latest post, because this is a motherfucking crazy doozy.

Kanye was commenting on some pictures the paps took of RiRi when he started to go into another world. Kanye went there and I really wish he hadn't. See what I mean:

FRESH ASS PICTURE!!! YO WHY CAN'T ALL PAPARAZZI PHOTOS BE THIS GOOD? WELL OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE MOST CELEBS JUST AREN'T RIHANNA LOL! ... BUT ON THE REAL, THIS PIC IS HARDCORE. PEEP THE PERSPECTIVE SHOT OF THE CITY IN THE BACK. SOMETIMES THE PAPS OVEREXPOSE THE LENS OR HAVE THE FLASH TOO HIGH TAKING ALL THE EMOTION OUT OF THE MOMENT. THIS MOMENT IS CAPTURED IN TIME NOW. I LOOK AT OUR CURRENT SUPERSTARS LIKE LEGENDS IN THE MAKING... LIKE JUSTIN IS THE NEW MIKE , BEYONCE'S THE NEW TINA TURNER, GAGA'S MADONNA, JAY IS SINATRA... WAYNE IS HENDRIX, THOM YORKE IS ROGER WATERS, THESE ARE THE CHAMPIONS AND SHOULD BE DOCUMENTED AS SUCH. THAT SAID, IT WOULD BE DOPE IF THE PAPS OPERATED WITH THE SAME INTEGRITY AND ATTENTION TO THEIR CRAFT AS THE LEGENDS THEY PHOTOGRAPH..... GOOD JOB ON THIS ONE!

Was is it just me or were you expecting to hear a joke drum on loop, because the whole post is punchline after punchline!

And you know that in the blog post in his mind he added: KANYE WEST IS THE NEW GOD!!!!!!!!!! Bitch can part the Red Sea just by hitting his CAPS-LOCK key!

Jessica Biel has been drinking way too much ice cold delusional juice, because the dude is going around telling Allure Magazine that she's too beautiful to get cast in movies. Somebody please take the tampon out of Justin Timberlake's ass and hit Jessica over the head with it. Bitch has lost it.

Jessica says that she can't even get auditions, because casting directors can't get past her mind-boggling beauty. Personally, I think they just can't get past the giant penis between her legs, but that's just my guess. Jessica said, "Yeah, it really is a problem. I have to be blunt. I'm in there with everybody else, fighting for the good parts. Yes, The Illusionist has made a difference -- but a huge, massive difference, so I can pick and choose what I want? No. I just want an opportunity. If you don't like the audition, don't hire me! But if you don't want to even see me -- that's hurtful. And why? You know nothing about me!"

Everything I needed to know about Jessica's acting, I learned in Summer Catch. True story. But maybe, Jessica has a point. I mean, there's really no gorgeous actresses working in Hollywood today. Halle Berry? FUGLY! Charlize Theron? GROTESQUE! Penelope Cruz? DON'T MAKE ME CHOKE ON MY OWN BARF DUE TO HER HIDEOUSNESS! Kate Winslet? STAB ME IN THE EYES!

The truth of the matter is, Jessica Biel isn't getting auditions, because she has the acting skills of a parched crotch berry.

VIA UsWeekly