Girlfriend Please

LeAnn Rimes wasn't drunk and she wasn't in the middle of a diarrhea attack brought on by a laxative overdose during her awkward duet with Carly Rose Sonenclar on The X-Factor last night. LeAnn is supposedly suffering from the sicks, but that's not the excuse her lawyer gave to TMZ. LeAnn's lawyer Larry Stein says that LeAnn wasn't giving the superstar performance (insert eye roll here) she usually gives, because she was sharing the stage with a little girl who couldn't really handle the song. Oh, Falcor, I like your jokes!

The X-Factor isn't Carly Rose's first time singing in front of a bunch of people. She's performed in a couple of Broadway shows including Les Miserables and has yodeled out the National Anthem at several sporting events. So it's not like Carly Rose's only performance experience was singing in front of her stuffed animals in her bedroom. But LeAnn is still saying that Carly was really nervous and "she was trying to help this 13-year-old girl who was having some trouble with the song." Larry wants to make it clear that LeAnn wasn't drunk or on anything at all, "LeAnn was not performing the way she would normally perform, because she was on stage with a young girl."

Judging by Carly Rose's side-eyes and death glares, she wasn't as nervous as she was annoyed that a slurring hyena was trying to sabotage her. LeAnn Rimes thought she was back in her Star Search days when she used to sabotage her competitors by sprinkling shards of glass in their Kool-Aid.

You stick with that excuse, LeAnn. But I would like LeAnn a whole lot more if she kept it truthful by saying, "Of course I was drunk! The only way I can get on TV is if I sing with a damn child on a two-bit talent show. You'd be drunk too!"

UPDATE: LeAnn Rimes went on Twitter and said she never said anything to TMZ and she hopes Carly Rose wins tonight. You don't remember saying it, because you were drunk, LeAnn! Give me that bottle and go to bed.

Because of the tragedy in Newtown, CT, movie premieres were canceled, TV episodes were pulled, there were disclaimers before the season finales of Homeland and Dexter, and radio pretty much stopped playing Ke$ha's song "Die Young," because of obvious reasons. (No, one of those obvious reasons isn't because it gives you chlamydia of the ears.) Die Young, which was released over 2 months ago, was #3 on radio playlists before the shooting and as of yesterday, it lost almost 19 million listeners. It had a good run, but that shit probably won't be heard on the radio anymore and will drop straight into the dumpster next to Ke$ha's regular sleeping place. Ke$ha went on Twitter to apologize for the song and then tweeted (and later deleted) that some mysterious being made her sing out those lyrics, which she co-wrote. The DEBUL made Ke$hit sing it!

So who ever forced Ke$ha (SPOILER ALERT: It was the Illuminati) to sing those lyrics, couldn't force her to get a flea bath too? Damn them. And Teen Mom Jenelle didn't show up to court or her scheduled visit with her daughter, because she was too busy doing something way more important like protest in the streets over this injustice!

via TMZ

Brooke Mueller went to rehab not even a week ago after she sort of kind of ate too many Adderall pills and she's already out! Brooke did the speed (Note: If you stop right there, this sentence would still be factual.) version of rehab and now she's cured. It's a miracle!

A source tells TMZ that Brooke checked into rehab for the 19th time, because she wanted to detox and get all the Adderall out of her system. Brooke wasn't looking to get actual treatment or counseling to curb her hunger for Adderall. She just wanted to dry out. Brooke is getting outpatient treatment, though, so there's that. Denise Richards was taking care of Brooke's twins, but Brooke flipped out when she wanted to take them to Charlie Sheen's Christmas party, so Brooke's mom took them. Now that she's out of rehab, the twins are back with Brooke.

I've had colds that took longer than six days to kick, but Brooke isn't going to get the Guinness World Record for the most times in rehab by staying in rehab and kicking her addiction. So I totally understand why she checked out after a week. But I need to change the subject and call out Brooke's twin boys. In the picture above, Brooke has got a boy on each arm and I'm guessing she did that so they could cover her nipples and they didn't do that! What's the point of bringing your twin boys to a Toys 'R Us event if they're not going to cover up your nips in front of the photographers? Now I have to strain my hands (not really) by using the Photoshop blur tool to blur out Brooke's nipples so your puritanical boss won't fire you for looking at nipples. And it's Brooke's twins' fault. You're fired, twins!

TMZ reported yesterday that colossal mess Brooke Mueller snorted, injected or smoked way too much of the bad shit and had to be shuffled off to the hospital. The L.A. County Fire Department said that they were called to Brooke's home in Tarzana, CA and took her to the nearest hospital. Everyone figured that the next headline we'd see would be "Brooke Mueller Trying Out Rehab For The 16th Time," but her rep (yes, she has one of those) says that's not going to happen, because she didn't overdose. Yeah, and I just didn't guzzle down an entire bottle of Chicken 'N Waffles flavoring syrup for breakfast.

Her rep Steve Honing tells Celebuzz that it was all a misunderstanding and Charlie Sheen's original goddess was just really, really tired. Brooke's assistant (yes, she has one of those) thought she passed out in a coma or some shit, but she was really just taking a nap. Here's Steve's explanation:

“An assistant thought Brooke was non-responsive while she was napping and hastily called an ambulance. As a precaution, Brooke was brought to a local hospital and discharged after an hour. She was diagnosed with exhaustion and dehydration and is now fine and resting at home. That’s it."

That makes sense. Smoking crack, snorting Valium and injecting meth into your eyeballs all day really is strenuous work and gives you a serious case of the tireds. And I know that whenever I take a hard nap, my assistant (aka my dog) has to bark for help after he tries to wake me up by slapping me in the face, etc...

Brooke and Charlie's 3-year-old twins were at home with her when she taken to the hospital, but she tells TMZ that her full-time, live-in nanny was taking care of them. Even if Brooke said that a chainsaw and a bear trap were taking care of her kids, we'd all still shrug and say, "Well, better than Brooke!"

In the previews for This Is 40, the only shots of Megan Fox show her in a bikini or in a bra, because the producers think that if Paul Rudd sitting on the toilet isn't going to sell that shit, then Megan Fox in a bra will. Megan Fox tells The Mirror (via DM) that you better stare long and hard at her chichis in a bikini, because that's probably the last time you'll ever see them on the big screen. Megan is somebody's mom now and feels like she has a moral responsibility to not embarrass her son by putting her tits on display. Mickey Rourke's favorite actress and my favorite philosopher said this about taking her clothes off for the cameras:

“It changes your perspective about being overly sexual in a film when you have a baby. I’m going to be more cautious about choosing films because I’m already thinking about when he’s in school and his friends are going to be showing him my photo shoots with me in a bikini and he’s going to be horrified. So that will deter me from making some of the choices I made before.”

Megan Fox washed Michael Bay's Ferrari in a bikini for her Transformers audition and she stripped down to her panties in Jennifer's Body, How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, Jonah Hex, Passion Play and Bad Boys II. What I'm getting at is that Megan Fox is obviously not hired for her body, but she's hired for her natural acting talent. Megan so doesn't have the acting skills of a plastic rutabaga. It's a damn shame that Megan is no longer going to take her clothes off in front of a camera. Because when Terrence Malick casts her opposite Daniel Day-Lewis in a big-screen version of the Shakespeare classic Macbeth, she's going to refuse to do the "out damn spot" scene in a bikini. And doing that scene in a bikini really would've made that moment come alive like it never has before.

But really, I'd rather some kids show me pictures from 10 years ago of my mom in a bikini than suffer the embarrassment of my mom picking me up from school while looking every shade of busted. In every school, there's always that one mom who picks her kid up with a plastic bag covering her rolled hair, torn sweats, stained house slippers and zit cream on her face. You know who you are and you know you ain't right for that.

Because every celebrity who just had a baby has to talk about how much weight she gained during pregnancy, Megan Fox talked about how much weight she gained during pregnancy:

"I only gained 23 pounds when I was pregnant and I'm still 10 pounds heavier, but I don't want to kill myself trying to get back into shape because it's not a priority right now. I'm too in love with Noah and I don't want to be away from him. I just want to be home."

A whole 23 pounds. I'm pretty sure Jessica Simpson's pregnancy farts weigh more than 23 pounds.

If Brad Pitt isn't making every movie screen softly weep by threatening to retire from acting, then Angie Jolie is. While making The Tourist in 2010, Angie told Vanity Fair that she'll stop acting in movies one day. Then during a recent interview with Britain's Channel 4 News about Syria, she said that she's probably going to retire when her child army enters their teen years. In related news, thousands of movie studio employees were told today that they will be laid off someday, because as soon as Angie retires, the movie-making industry will shut down forever. Here's what Angie said about leaving the acting world and if you need to see the video of her saying these words, click here:

"I will do some films and I am so fortunate to have the job, it's a really lucky profession to be a part of and I enjoy it. But if it went away tomorrow I would be very happy to be home with the children.I think I'm going to have to give up the acting as the kids hit the teenage years, anyway, too much to manage at home."

Scientists have temporarily stopped trying to find a cure for everything they're trying to find a cure for, because they need to devote all of their time to finding a way to bottle that Peter Pan's shit. We must find a way to stop the Jolie-Pitt children from aging, because if they enter their teen years, we won't ever EVER get a sequel to Life or Something Like It. How will we go on? First, Amanda Bynes retires, and now Angelina Jolie threatens to retire again? What have we done to deserve this?!

Everyone knows Lindsay Lohan was set up, even Lindsay Lohan knows this and she's got coke mush for brains. LiLo's mom White Oprah thinks she's solved the mystery of who is the mastermind behind the set up. You can laugh all you want, but White Oprah IS a skilled-mystery solver. Every time she plays a drunken game of Clue by herself, she wins. She also once gave a lazy hand job to a bartender who acts in Murder Mystery Dinner Theater productions on the weekends. White Oprah knows her mystery-solving stuff.

A detective usually doesn't reveal her suspicions until she's solved the crime, but Radar offered White Oprah a half-bottle of gin, so she couldn't resist. The new Detective La Toya had this to say about the fortune teller who is accusing her precious child of assault and battery:

"I am increasingly disturbed to be told Ms. Allred's new client lives in Palm Beach just minutes from my ex-husband's home. What else is there to learn about the circumstances surrounding this unfortunate incident?"

Keep raising that monocle, White Oprah! It's extremely suspicious that two people have lived in the same city as each other. They're obviously in CAHOOTS! White Oprah will say she told us so when a picture comes out of Tiffany Mitchell getting a black belt from Michael Lohan's Karate School of Pussy Punting.

Michael Lohan, of course, responded to White Oprah's subtle accusation:

"Dina's comments are delusional and just go to show the lengths she'll go to divide me from my children and pollute their minds. The public can see right through her. It's a really sad situation when a mother doesn't join hands with a father to help their daughter instead of
making up stories about him."

White Oprah can't hold hands with Michael Lohan, because one hand's got a magnifying glass in it and the other hand's holding a plastic cup full of her trusty sidekick, Dr. Charles Tanqueray.

And as Lindsay Lohan shits out potatoes from sucking down so much vodka, her parents are fighting in the media. White Oprah & Michael Lohan: teaching us how to be good parents since 1986.

Just like every part of Lindsay Lohan's life, her latest smack down saga just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Tiffany Mitchell, the chick who had to get a tetanus shot after Lindsay Lohan knuckled her in the face, tells TMZ that they didn't fight over Max from The Wanted, they fought over a psychic reading and a slur. I should've known that sooner or later this wreck of a story was going to give me an opportunity to make a God Warrior reference. SLYCICS!

Tiffany is supposedly a "prominent" palm reader and aura analyst who owns a few psychic salons in Florida. I should've known that sooner or later this wreck of a story would feature a cameo appearance by Florida. Tiffany says that when she saw Lindsay Lohan at Avenue early this morning, she instantly had a premonition. Tiffany's premonition must've been that she was going to get a whole lot of media attention and free publicity after getting punched by a Lohan. Tiffany asked LiLo if she could give her a free physic reading and LiLo shouted at her, "Give me my space." As Tiffany and her friend walked away, her friend heard LiLo call her a "fucking Gypsy." The friend came at LiLo, called her a "whore" and said "Liz & Dick sucked." LiLo went crazy and punched Tiffany in the face. Don't you hate when your friend starts some shit and you're the one who gets punched in the face?

Tiffany's husband, who wasn't at the club, says that "Gypsy" is a racial slur and that LiLo is only mad, because her career is the equivalent of a soggy hairball stuck in a drain pipe:

"We are not Gypsies. That has nothing to do with our religion ... it was a racist comment. Just because your career went down the drain and your new movie sucks, you can't go around beating people up."

Tiffany's husband also tells ABC News that they can't even leave the house, because his wife's cheek is really swollen.

So, some crazy psychic offered a free reading to a drunk LiLo (FYI: Her lawyer says she was sober. HAHAHAHAH.), LiLo turned it down, LiLo called her a "Gypsy," the friend called LiLo a "whore," LiLo threw a punch at the psychic and the psychic didn't duck even though she's a psychic and should've known a punch was coming?

LiLo is a crazy bitch, but the psychic is crazier for going up to a coked-up human train wreck in a club. That is not very professional. Miss Cleo would never.

And if you needed a quick laugh, here's White Oprah's official statement:

"At this time I kindly ask that you extend to my family the time we need to address my daughter's circumstances with the appropriate parties. As a mother you always love and pray for the best with all your children. Our family's bond grows deeper and stronger during the tough times and I am beyond proud of all of my children for the love and devotion they provide for each other. We are there for and stand by one another unconditionally. Many thanks to all that have expressed concern for my daughter. Your compassionate thoughts and prayers are received with my deepest gratitude."

And here's a priceless video of LiLo kicking her assistant out of the SUV after he bailed her out of jail:

And after reading about LiLo all day, I feel like I've just been punched in the face. I need to stick my face in the ice cube bin in my freezer.

God hates Two and a Half Men, but God loves money and respecting contracts more. Angus T. Jones has let out a half-assed apology for saying in a video for his Christian church that he hates the show that makes him $8 million a season,  because it's so filthy and unholy that it plays in porn theaters in Hell's ninth circle. Two and a Half Men's producers haven't said anything about Anus (typo and it stays) telling people not to watch his shit show and he hasn't been back on the set since. To make things a little less awkward at work, Angus has sort of said sorry to those who have made him a multi-millionaire. The future Kirk Cameron said this:

I have been the subject of much discussion, speculation and commentary over the past 24 hours. While I cannot address everything that has been said or right every misstatement or misunderstanding, there is one thing I want to make clear.

Without qualification, I am grateful to and have the highest regard and respect for all of the wonderful people on Two and Half Men with whom I have worked over the past ten years and who have become an extension of my family.

Chuck Lorre, Peter Roth and many others at Warner Bros. and CBS are responsible for what has been one of the most significant experiences in my life to date. I thank them for the opportunity they have given and continue to give me and the help and guidance I have and expect to continue to receive from them.

I also want all of the crew and cast on our show to know how much I personally care for them and appreciate their support, guidance and love over the years. I grew up around them and know that the time they spent with me was in many instances more than with their own families. I learned life lessons from so many of them and will never forget how much positive impact they have had on my life.

I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference to and disrespect of my colleagues and a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed. I never intended that.

What Angus really means is: "Being on Two and a Half Men has eaten away most of my good Christian soul and I'll have to give a lot of hand jobs to bananas to get pure again, but God wants me to be a semi-famous millionaire and how can I go against God's wishes?"

I can't argue with Angus. I don't watch Two and a Half Men and now I'm really not going to watch it, because God is speaking through a child actor and telling me not to watch it. You know, I think God is also speaking to me through my TV screen, because I just looked up and watched a commercial for El Pollo Loco's new chocolate nachos. Obviously, God wants me to go to El Pollo Loco and eat those chocolate nachos, so I'm going to do that....for God.

via Deadline

If you had Good Morning America on mute while getting ready for work today, you probably thought that Amy Robach was interviewing some 60-something Boca Raton socialite about the dangers of injecting insulation foam directly into your face. That wasn't a 60-something Boca Raton socialite, it was Lindsay Lohan who was on GMA to piss Barbara Walters off yet again.

LiLo was also on GMA to whore out the post-Thanksgiving turkey that is Liz & Dick and she talked about how she got the role. Surprisingly (served between two layers of lukewarm sarcasm), the producers didn't go to LiLo first. LiLo went to them. Specifically, she called them all the time, hid in the bushes outside of their houses, followed their children to school and crawled into their beds at night until they finally gave in, screamed MERCY and threw the role at the bitch. The skills she learned from  stalking SamRo paid off and it got her a job.

Then Amy Robach brought up LiLo's half-sister and ho tried to act like it was the first time she heard about this:

"I didn't even hear that, so thanks for the news. I don't pay attention to any of it. I don't want to get into that. I want to stay on the positive side of things."

Please, when Lindsay Lohan isn't crank calling (meaning she does crank before calling) her rival Barbara Walters, she's Googling herself. So of course this ho knew about having a half-sister, but it's best to play dumb.

When you almost hit a baby in a stroller with your Porsche, pretend like you didn't see it and you don't even know what a baby looks like. When a cop finds a hot necklace in your purse, pretend that it's not your purse and you'll have to look up the word "stolen" in the dictionary, because you don't even know what that means. When Amy Robach asks you about your half-sister, pretend you don't know what she's talking about. The Lohan family oath states that you must always share your stash with a blood relative, but if you don't admit to having a half-sister, then technically you don't have to share your 8-ball with her.

And there's today's lesson from LiLo!