Girlfriend Please

Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta can relate to both Britney Spears and Michael Jackson. Kim understands the beast known as fame (not to be confused with the beast on her head nicknamed "famewhore"). Kim talks about this in an interview she gave to Popeater that was delivered down to us by the baby angels. For serious. Kim is really the grand dame of delusional! Example: "I feel bad for Britney Spears, I look at her and I'm like they just tear up one side and down the other! Then the next month, she's doing so great, she's lost weight, she's a great mom all of a sudden. I kind of sympathize with her because I take a lot of that heat myself." Oh and it gets better....

"I wasn't into Michael Jackson, back in the day I was, but then when he did pass, I'm like everybody else, I bought all his songs. He was so super, super talented and it's pretty terrible. Although I can understand how it could happen. I understand the fame. My life changed in such a short period of time, I can't imagine what he dealt with. Sometimes, emotionally, it's taken its toll on me, never mind him who is far bigger worldwide."

Oh, Kim, you are more famous than Brit Brit and Michael Jackson combined. Well, that's if you count all the voices inside her wig as fans.

If you drive by Kim's luxurious townhouse on any day of the week, you will see a mob of paparazzi and fans fighting just to get one peek of her. Yes, you'll notice that the paps are a little shorter than normal and that's because they are neighborhood kids Kim pays to hold cameras. Just go along with it! Oh and the fans are actually members of the ASPCA trying to capture her wig, but again, go along with it! Just skip through Kim's forest of crazy. It's better for everyone.

And I leave you with another amazing quote about her wig line: "I got so much heat for wearing a hair piece, which is comical because all the girls on the show wear one. I took so much I heat, I was like, I'm gonna turn a negative into a positive. I'm gonna go ahead make it work. Actually, it was really difficult for me to talk about that last year. Now in just a year, I'm able to talk about it, explain my situation and why I ended up in that position and why I still do it today ... 'cause I don't really have to. It's turned into a business venture at this point."

I. Cannot.

Jada Pinkett's "We Really Fuck!" press tour is going strong. Last month, Jada told Redbook that she bumps ballsacks with Will Smith everywhere (even in your bathroom). This month, she continued to queef out nuggets to Self Magazine (via Page Six) about her OMGAMAZING sex life with her husband. This is what she said:

"When you have three kids, you've got to take your opportunities when they come. In a limo, on the way to the Academy Awards this year, Will started looking at me in this way that drives me wild. We started kissing passionately, and the next thing I knew, well, let's just say we missed the red carpet and I ended up with almost no makeup on."

We all have our arms up, Jada! We give up! We believe you. You and Will fuck like pre-teen bunnies on Viagra. We really do believe that your make-up ended up all over Will's ass cheeks while you were tossing his walnut salad on the way to the Oscars. You win. So can you put down the mic now. You are scaring and scarring Tommy Girl!

Tony Romo sent Jessica Simpson down the gutter of broken hearts right before her birthday and some source tells Radar that it was all because of John Mayer and his homewrecky text messages. Dun! Dun! Dun! Dun!

It's always John and his text messages. I'm telling you, if you ever get a text message from The Mayer don't even look at it! Delete it immediately. If read you it, you will lose your man, your job, your dog will turn on you and your favorite dildo will melt. Destruction!

Jessica learned this the hard way, apparently. The source says that everything between Tony and Jessica was handjobs and rainbows until he looked at her cell phone on Thursday night. “They were hanging out and he picked up her phone and she got defensive about it. Tony found messages from John and went ballistic. Tony dumped her right then. He walked out and that was it," said the source.

Okay, let's be serious for a quick minute. I doubt John text messaged Jessica. Did the texts say shit like: "Snd me pics of ur boobies" or "Wut u wearin"? If so, that wasn't John! That was Papa Joe and his trickery! Damn him!

It's time for the latest episode of Murder She Wrote with special guest star La Toya Jackson! But I have a feeling Angela Lansbury does not want to be a part of this.

La Toya thinks her brother was murdered by his "shadowy entourage" and went off to tell the Daily Mail all about it. Sigh. La Toya should be volunteering her investigative skills (!!!!) to the L.A.P.D. and not talking to the press.

La Toya thinks that the evil doers believed that Michael was worth more money dead than alive, so they got him hooked on the bad shit. La Toya said, "I believe Michael was murdered. I felt that from the start. Not just one person was involved, rather it was a conspiracy of people. He was surrounded by a bad circle. Michael was a very meek, quiet, loving person. People took advantage of that. People fought to be close to him, people who weren’t always on his side. They got him hooked on drugs. He was pure and clean and then drugs came back into his system. I think it shocked his system so much it killed him. He had needle marks on his neck and on his arms and more about those will emerge in the next few weeks. I cannot discuss that any further as I may jeopardize the investigation. I can, however, say that I have not changed my mind about my feeling that Michael was murdered. It will all come out. You will be shocked."

LaToya says that there was no way Michael would have been able to perform 50 concerts in London. Michael was too weak and fragile, but the evil doers in his life were making him do it. Whenever his family would call, they would not tell him. They would do anything they could to keep his family away.

As for Michael's kids, La Toya is ready to knife fight Debbie Rowe (with cameras rolling, of course) to make sure Katherine Jackson gets custody. La Toya went on, "These are not Debbie’s kids. They don’t even know she’s their mother. Like everyone else in his life, she was motivated by money. She has always said she’s not their mother. My understanding is that she will now go after the kids. I know a few things about Debbie, and I will prevent that from happening."

Herm. I wonder what dirt La Toya has on Debbie? Debbie totally tried to tickle La Toya's pussy puff one night, right? La Toya is saving that drop of Clamato for her next tell-all.

According to La Toya, Blanket is not related to Michael at all, "They took eggs from a donor and I believe the sperm came from one of five donors picked from a book. Michael didn’t know who the mother and father were. I don’t know who carried the child and if the surrogate knew whose child she was carrying."

La Toya ended the interview by saying that her family will file civil lawsuits against anybody who supplied her brother with drugs, "I am going to get down to the bottom of this. I am not going to stop until I find out who is responsible. Why did they keep the family away? It’s not about money. I want justice for Michael. I won’t rest until I find out what -- and who -- killed my brother."

Why do I have a sinking feeling (it could be the Mexican dick I had last night) that Vh1 is thisclose to announcing their newest reality show: The La Toya Ladies Detective Agency.

It's still hard for me to fully hate on La Toya, because she has blessed the world with sparkly gems like this:

Michael Jackson's dermatologist, Dr. Arnold Klein, has been tap dancing on the talk show circuit for the past few days and bitch is starting to trip up. There have been a million rumors floating around that Arnie is the bio-daddy of Michael's kids.

When asked about it by Good Morning America, Arnie said, "To the best of my knowledge, I am not the father." Last night on Larry King, Arnie once again said he didn't think he was their father. However, he admitted that he donated his sperm to a bank, but doesn't know if his baby batter (barf, wipe, barf, wipe, etc...) was ever used. Arnie went on to yap that he's willing to submit to a DNA test and he will collect checks from take care of Michael's children if he is their bio-father.

One theory going around is that Arnie and Debbie Rowe had an affair (picture two disabled pit bulls awkwardly licking each other's nutsacks) which produced Prince Michael and Paris. Arnie told Larry last night that he thinks Debbie should get custody of the kids, because Michael's mother is too old and Joe Jackson is crazy. Hey, Pot, I'd like to introduce you to Kettle!

The part that made my throat fart was when he said that we should all just leave the children alone. Slowly suck on your own advice, Arnie. After you do that, swing by Howard K. Stern's house, find a private place together and then stick your head up each other's asses. If you need some assistance in this, both Bubbles and Sugar Pie will help you.

The gossip around these parts is that Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper went out on a couple (or more) dates together. The tabloids hailed them as the second coming of Jen & Brad. Well, if they were touching nipples in the morning, it doesn't sound like they are anymore.

At the Louis Vuitton show in Paris yesterday, Brad talked a little bit about the noise going around that he's boning Jenny. And he did it in FRENCH. Swoo-ooon. My no-no just queefed in a French accent.

Brad said, "She's a friend of mine. Simply, simply, just a friend. In America, its not like it is here. She's someone who is super, super known. Famous. If someone says 'hello' to her, it's given that he's fallen in love with her. So, no. No. She's a very, very interesting woman, but she's simply a friend."

A "very interesting woman"? That's like when a one-night-fuck says to you afterwards, "That was fun." That's my cue to stroll to his bathroom, wipe my freshly sexed-up ass on his good towel, grab my clothes and proceed to do the walk of shame knowing that I messed up as a true slut. He's basically saying, "Your fuck game is weak!"

"A very interesting woman" either means: a) He got weirded out when Jenny told him they couldn't have sex until the following week because that's when her cycle started. b) She showed up to their second date in her dream wedding dress. c) The head was whack.

Source: People

White Oprah finally pried herself off of the bathroom room floor of some random club to cough up another important statement (smells like coke loogies and Long Island Iced Tea barf) for the media regarding her personal ATM. Specifically, White Oprah wanted to address the accusations that HoHan stole a bunch of joo-ree from an Elle Magazine shoot and also about how daughter's cell phone keeps getting hacked. Lay it out, chop it up, separate and snort yourself some of this:

"Last month her personal cell was posted online and now her phone messages have been hacked. This must stop. She is a 22-year-old girl who needs to live her life in peace. The tabloids need to leave her alone with all the lies and reporting with no proof." White Oprah went on to burp that the story about HoHan stealing shit is "defamatory, false and unfair. Elle made a public statement backing Lindsay." And finally, before she passed out again, she said, "Lindsay has been home with me and her family for awhile now, celebrating her little brother [Cody's] confirmation and his 13th birthday."

Haven't you missed White Oprah's words of delusion?! She's like a suppository for the soul. White Oprah's statements make you regular again. I mean, 22-year-old girl? HA! Leave her alone? Double HA! A good Catholic family? Get me up off the floor! White Oprah slays me every time.

Here's the 22-year-old good Catholic girl going to a church called H.Wood in Los Angeles last night.

Redbook Magazine (via The Sun) asked Jada Pinkett Smith for tips on how to keep your sex life with your husband interesting. This made me fart. Anyway, Jada's advice to women is to do sexy times everywhere and anywhere. Go ahead and spread your fuck jelly all over your friend's guest towels.

Jada said, "Be sneaky... your girlfriend's house at a party. The bathroom. A bedroom. Think of places outside that are comfortable to have sex. Does he have access to his office? Have a fantasy date. Be his secretary! Pull over on the side of the road... Just switch it up. Anything like that can keep it going. Anything it takes to keep the flame alive."

The flame in Will & Jade's life is very much alive. Its name is Tom Cruise.

To me, this just confirms that these two aren't boning each other. I mean, her advice is to do it in your friend's bedroom? Oooh, how kinky and edgy. Come on, Jada. Give us the real shit. Tell us how to work the strap-on so that your big gay man's prostate squeals! I know how you do it!

You know how sometimes when you're passed out drunk your friends (or in my case, your own mother) will write words like "DRUNK, WHORE, SKANK, PEEN SUCKER" all over your face? Well, 18-year-old Kimberley Vlaminck of Belgium claims that's what happened to her (sort-of). Except the fresh graffiti on her face wasn't from a Sharpie and couldn't be washed off with water or even hot gasoline. This fugness is pretty much permanent!

Kimmy tells the Daily Mail that she paid a Romanian tattoo artist £55 to decorate her face with only three stars. Kimmy, who might have the worst case of narcolepsy ever, says she fell asleep while the dude had a sharp needle on her face and woke up covered in STARZ. 56 stars to be exact.

Kimmy is suing the tattoo artist for £8,500, because that's how much it's going to cost to get them all removed. Kimmy says that she told him she only wanted 3 stars in English and French, but he must have misunderstood her. The tattoo artist says that Kimmy is made of lies, because she specifically asked for 56 stars. He said she was awake and even looked at the mirror a few times. He went on to say, "The trouble all started when she went home and her father and boyfriend threw a fit. They are saying things now like I doped her or hypnotized her. What rubbish!" It's safe to say that he's MADDER THAN FISH GREASE.

I've never had a tattoo, but I'm pretty sure that if you had a sharp ass needle right on your bone you wouldn't be skipping through the clouds in dreamland. The stupid bitch got the tattoo and her father threatened to quit her ass over it, so she played dumb.

It's really not that bad either. It kind of looks like her ear is queefing out stars. It's like Glamberace scooted all over her face. Look on the bright side. Or should I say, the "STARZ" side (GONG!!!!).

Kimmy is moaning that she can't leave the house now, "I am so embarrassed. I just look horrible."

Um. I've got news for Kimmy. The star bukkake on her face is less ridiculous than that SEXY belt buckle she's wearing.

Kelis is broke, or at least she's pretending that her checking account is on life support. TMZ reports that Kelis has been forced to put her change cup in front of Nas' face and is begging him to pay for everything! Kelis' lawyer filed papers claiming that her estranged husband isn't paying for dick even though he has more money than Quween on the Scene.

Kelis wants spousal support, child support, 50% of medical expenses, $20,000 for supplies for their unborn baby and another $3,500 for a baby nurse.

Kelis says that while married to Nas, she became used to bathing in diamonds and wiping her ass with $100 bills. She writes, "There were many expensive pieces [of jewelry] such as a princess-cut diamond tennis bracelet that was recently appraised for $190,000. My engagement ring is an approximately nine-carat cushion-cut diamond solitaire. I have numerous watches...such as Cartier, Rolex, Frank Muller and Chopard." Kelis went on to moan, "My survival is based on [Nas'] will at this time. If he does not want to pay for an expense, it does not get paid."

It sounds like it's time for Kelis to take her milkshake to the local pawn shop and sell some shit! Actually, I don't mean that. I'd be just like Kelis. I'd empty all my checking accounts, stuff the money in shoe boxes hidden under my bed and then claim that I'm poor so that my ex could pay up. If that didn't work, you'd see me in line at the WIC office with a baby in one arm and my other arm covered in diamonds.

Bitch is doing everything she can to keep from going to the place where all celebwhores run to for a quick check: Dancing with the Has-Beens.