Girlfriend Please

Okay, not really, but during Brad Pitt's interview with Ann Curry on Today, she asked him about a quote he gave to Parade Magazine about love being the most important (blah..vommy....blah) thing in the world. Brad said he co-signs his own quote, but added that someday love won't be there. Then he got all Megan Fox-like and said, “The greater the love, the greater the loss."

You know that after he said that, Jennifer Aniston threw down the chocolate sheet cake from Costco she was in the middle of devouring and shouted at her Beanie Babies collection, "HE'Z TALKING ABOUT MEEEE!!!! MEEE! MEEEE!! MEEEEEEEEE!"

Ann also asked Brad about the grassroots movement to get him to run for the Mayor of New Orleans, because of what he's doing to help rebuild the city. Brad joked that if he is chosen as a candidate, he will run on the gay marriage, no religion, legalization and taxation of marijuana platform.

I think that they superglued Ann to the chair for this interview, because I kept waiting for her vag lips to jump out of her pants and smother Brad. I mean, homegirl has a clit boner for him in the worst way. I'm sure it was hard for her to stay focused, because Brad was wearing white and she kept picturing him as her bride walking down the aisle towards her. Truth.

And here's some pictures of Brad working the crowd at the NYC premiere of The Time Traveler's Wife last night. Brad is a producer on the movie. He was also supposed to star in this shit with Jennifer Aniston back in the olden days.

Vanessa Hudgen's Disney nipples made an encore appearance on the internet last week and you know Dane Cook printed out a dozen copies of those pictures and laminated them for his future enjoyment. Dane's wang skin is probably barely growing back after he rubbed it raw from smacking it so much while looking at Vanessa's tittays. But at last night's Teen Choice Awards, Dane tried to play like he wanted her to cover up. Motherfucker, pleeeeeease.

Dane came out, asked Vanessa to show herself and then suddenly turned into Marla Gibbs when he said, "Gurl, you gots to keep yo clothes on. Phonez are for phone calls, gurl."

The funniest part is at the beginning when Vanessa gets all excited after Dane shouts her name. Vanessa is wagging her tail, thinking she's going to get some kind of prize (a new camera phone, maybe?) and then...SMACK! Dane hits her with the nekkid joke. Vanessa tries to do her best bitchface (Professor MiserAlba gives her an F minus), but didn't really pull it off.

Zac Efron probably thought to himself, "Yeah, she really should keep her clothes on, because it makes me feel awkward in the privates when she takes it all off."

The roach motel door is open and here they come trying to get a piece! Mark Lester, the ho who played the title role in the Oliver! movie, has tap danced over to the News of the World and told them that he believes he is Paris Jackson's biological father. Maury, please get the dustpan and deal with these SCRAGS BITCHES!

Mark Lester has been a friend of Michael Jackson's for years and is even his children's godfather. Mark says that Michael complained about not being able to do sexy times with anyone, because he was too scared. Michael apparently told Mark that he wanted to have children, but didn't think he could do it the natural way. That's when Mark offered up his jizz in a bottle and Michael took him up on the offer. About two years later, Debbie Rowe gave birth to Paris. Mark said Michael never told him who Paris' biological father is. As Paris grew up, Mark slowly started to believe that they were related by blood, because she looks just like his now 15-year-old daughter Harriet.

Mark said, "Paris is very pale, with blue eyes. All my daughters, apart from my eldest, are fair with blue eyes. So many people have commented on how alike Harriet and Paris look. Our families often holidayed together and staff, especially nannies, watching the children play together would say how similar the two girls looked."

The last time Mark saw Michael was in London this past March. Mark also spoke to Paris at Michael's memorial in Los Angeles and he said he feels a bond with her. Mark wants some cold hard cash to know the truth, so he's willing to undergo a paternity test. Mark has tried to call Katherine Jackson, but she won't return his calls. The only thing he really wants is to be in those kids' lives. Mark ended with, "I feel it's important. I love those kids so much. We've had great times together. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing speaking out. But I'm not trying to make any claim on anything. Even if it's proven Paris is biologically mine I wouldn't see her as anything other than Michael's daughter. He raised her."

Below is a side-by-side of Paris and Mark's daughter Harriet when she was 11. Personally, I don't see it AT ALL, but I also don't have sparkly dollar signs blinding my vision.

And La Toya, you know what you need to do, girl. Put on your deerstalker cap, get out your magnifying glass and drag your Bloodhound to London, because you need to GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!

Kelly Bensimon is here (*lifts up hand above head*) and Gerard Butler is across the fucking room, because he's trying to avoid her at all costs! Gatecrasher says Gerard, who was probably mixing his booze types that night, flirted with The Real Housewives of NYC's Kelly Bensimon at a party last June. Kelly thought she was going to get a piece of The Butler, because they exchanged numbers and everything. Well, Gerry never called. Cut to last week....

Gerry and Kelly were once again at the same party. A nosy ho said that while Gerry was laying his best moves down on Rose Byrne from Damages, Kelly tried to block him from the punani. The witness said, "Kelly blocked Gerard from speaking to Rose and was flirting up a storm - but he couldn't have seemed less interested."

Manwhore Gerry has admitted that he's a lover of chichis, so my guess is that he didn't know what to make of Kelly, because he couldn't locate her damn titties! Seriously, you need a compass and a prayer to find those things. One is heading for the vacation spot called her LOWER BACK and the other one seems to be stuck in her armit. Gerry got confused, because he didn't know if that was a fake breast or if her armpit burped.

Today is Thursday, which means it's time for your weekly brain colonic, because the new issue of GOOP is out. Although, let's leave this week's newsletter alone (it's about books, blahg) and talk about an interview Fishsticks Paltrow gave to People Magazine at last night's Champions of Hope Benefit Gala in NYC. Cacaness.

Somebody needs to hand me a sharp needle, so that I can pop the gigantic fart bubble Fishy has been living in. This ho said that she's a gift box of OMGamazing information and that people get on their knees and thank every God for GOOP. Fishy queefed, “People are so grateful that it’s free. It’s just nice to share what you have. And I have all this great information. It’s just a gift. People want me to do all this other stuff. But right now, I just really love doing the site. I love thinking about the letters, what I’m going to write about, what kind of information we can put in there.” You know where you need to put that information, Fishy? Fart to get a clue.

Seriously, what is she teaching the world?! How to roast a stupid ass dumb ugly chicken? Even Sandra Lee's drunk ass could probably teach us that. The keyword being "probably." And what's with this "grateful that it's free" mess? People who read every line of GOOP are paying dearly. They are paying with their soooooouuuuuuuuuuuuls. Seriously, ask for a receipt.

Here's a few pictures of Princess POOP last night wearing a dress decorated with Glamberace's glittery jizz load.

Porn star and future politician (the two go puss-in-hand) Stormy Daniels was put in handcuffs over the weekend (TWIST COMING) and it wasn't so that a sessy fake police officer could beat her 'gina lips with his mighty skin baton. No, bitch was really arrested after she allegedly beat her husband Michael in the head a few times in their home in Tampa, FL.

Michael told the po po that Stormy Chris Brown-ed him, because she didn't like the way he did the laundry. Okay, hold the Downy softener ball, because I bet Michael accidentally left a red thong in the washer when he put the whites in. ILLEGAL! Some bitches will cut, stomp, slap, kill and set fire to any ho who turns their whites pink. Turn a white pink and get slapped. I think that was rule #12 in my abuelita's Book of Life.

After Stormy was arrested, she admitted that she broke some candles and threw a potted plant in the sink, but didn't mean to hit her husband in the head. Stormy's defense was that she was just trying to get her keys which he was hanging over his head and she accidentally fisted him in the face. HAHAHAHA! This bitch! Although, 9 out of 10 scientists will tell you that the best way to get something from someone is to punch them in the mug. I'm surprised Stormy didn't use the "HE RAN INTO MY FIST" excuse (aka The Tommy Girl's favorite cover story).

Stormy was later released on $1,000 bail.

VIA TSG

Over a week ago, there was a rumor going around that a 25-year-old Norweigan performer who goes by the name of Omer Bhatti was Michael Jackson's secret lovechild. The story goes that Michael and Omer's mother Pia had an affair. According to The Mirror, Omer denied away and said that he is not related to the Jacksons at all. Omer, who knew Michael for 13 years and even lived at Neverland for a while, said that they were best friends, but that his true father lives in Norway. Enter Joe Jackson.......

In an interview with NewsOne, Joe Jackson tucked his devil tail in, put his pitchfork underneath the table and said that Michael Jackson IS THE FATHER. Joe said that he always knew Omer as Michael's own son. Joe went on to say that Omer looks like a Jackson, acts like a Jackson and can dance like a Jackson. But what Joe really wants to know is if Omer can make money like a Jackson? I think The Jackson 3 just became The Jackson 4! Joe's waving his pimp hand around Omer's head! If you look directly into Joe's eyes and don't turn to stone, you'll see little glittery dollar signs forming in his pupils. Or maybe they're just shiny from the ludes.

LeAnn Rimes 7-year marriage to Dean Rainbow Sherbet is currently on pause following a zillion rumors that she Sienna Miller-ed Eddie Cibrian (who also split from his wife). During a show at the Deer Valley Music Festival in Utah on Saturday night, LeAnn briefly talked about her split from Twinkle Face. And of course, she brought God into it:

"It is inevitable that sometimes in a relationship, you will have your heart broken. Sometimes you don't do anything, but sometimes you want revenge. Sometimes you don't, and that's when you just leave it in God's hands and know that He will take care of it."

Did God's hand also put Eddie Cibrian's married penis into your married vagina? And with that, my moving date to Hell just got moved up! Call the movers.

But seriously, LeAnn needs to quit it with that "heartbroken" and "woe is me" shit. BITCH, quit the apple pie act. Just say, "Listen, if you had a chance to get dicked by Eddie Cibrian, you would do it too." The truth. The end. Done.

Last night in NYC, JLo had herself another 40th birthday party. Only this was supposedly a "surprise" party Skeletor put together. Nalgas, please! Where the hell did JLo think she was going when she put on that Cleopatra dress she snatched from a drag queen and that braided hair bowl that belongs in a Cinnabon counter? You know she planned that whole thing from top to bottom. I mean, only JLo's mess ass would come up with the name "An Evening For Lola." That is a wreck. And if JLo thinks we're going to start calling her ass "Lola," then she needs more people. Preferably people with prescription pads and straitjackets.

JLo tried to act all shocked when the car pulled up in front of the theater, but come on.... Bitch couldn't even pull of a natural "surprised" look when an anaconda was trying to bite her ass! She should've studied the look on her twins faces whenever she makes a monthly visit to their nursery. Now that's a real surprised look. I need to stop. It's JLo's birthday. So Happy Birthday, Jlo...A-FUCKING-GAIN (this is going to be a daily thing, right?)

Here's some more pictures from last night of the every day birthday girl, Skeletor and her guests including Leah Remini (ugh), Lizaaaaaa and Ricky Martin.

A little while ago, Tori Spelling invited her mother to her daughter's 1st birthday party. Candy never met her granddaughter, so Tori thought this might be a good time. Candy turned that shit down, because cameras from Tori's reality show were going to be at that party. Candy already queefed about it to the media a zillion times, but she's not done. Oh no. Porky Pig's long-lost twin sissy slithered into her letting writing room and punched out an open rant which she *exclusively* gave to TMZ. Yeah, so the next time your mother tells you off under her breath in front of everyone at Thanksgiving dinner, just be thankful that your mother is not Candy Spelling.

This is the ball of farts the over-aged lunatic wrote. Sprinkle a little Pepto dust in your eyes, CLUE LIGHTS and read on:

EXCLUSIVE TO: TMZ.COM
TO: MIDDLE-AGED REALITY SHOW STARS (LIKE MY DAUGHTER)
FROM: CANDY SPELLING

I Know many middle-aged people have issues about their parents and their upbringing. I did. My memories didn't match all those of my mother, and, funny thing, it's the same way with my daughter.

Life has consequences. What you say is on the record. Other people have feelings.

I have a vested interest in this subject. My daughter, Tori's, two-part season finale revolves around my granddaughter's first birthday party and how she has made what seems like an agonizing decision to invite me.

Cue music. Cue sideways glaces. Clue Lights.

I did get an invitation just in time for the RSVP deadline. I'm sure its delivery will be on next week's episode with some comment about my house or driveway or street or something they won't like. I wonder if that will be spread out over one part or two. Sigh.

A big party wasn't how I envisioned meeting my granddaughter for the first time; but, hey, this is Hollywood, and my grandchildren have become reality show props, too. At the time I emailed "yes," I didn't realize I was being set up for a two-parter, even though it was clear I was being invited to be part of a segment for my daughter's reality show.

Spoiler alert. Don't read this if you plan to sit through an hour of people looking at their watches and saying "she's late." I decided my first meeting with my granddaughter should be on home video, not primetime cable; so I emailed that i would not be attending.

She goes on to blab more, but this is the gist of it.

When even TMZ stops publishing Candy's ridiculousness, she's going to have to shout her rants on Hollywood Blvd. like an authentic crazy person does. I can't wait for that day to arrive.

And this almost made me feel a little bad for Tori, but then I remembered how her soul-bruising acting skills pretty much ruined The House of Yes for me......