Girlfriend Please

As a pimp, mother and professor of fame whoring 101, Pimp Mama Kris never felt as proud as when one of her youngest, Kylie Jenner, Tweeted this picture of Khloe Kardashian's massive Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade head floating next to the dude who some tabloids say could be her biological father.

That Michael McDonald meets Tummi Bear motherfucker is Alex Rodan and he's been Kris Jenner's hairstylist for over 30 years. That explains why he has that "I've seen the crown of Lucifer" look in his eye. Some think that one night many years ago, Alex rose on his haunches, mounted Pimp Mama Kris and howled into the night sky as they made Khloe. They've all denied it. But that didn't stop Kylie Jenner from pulling a stunt for show. Kylie Tweeted this weird-looking picture from a Kardashian family photo shoot today and then she quickly said she it was a joke.

Alex does have the same Berenstain Bears look that Khloe has, but if he was her real father the Kuntrashians wouldn't announce it in a stupid Tweet. They'd announce it in a 20-page spread for All Bear Magazine, a 4-hour E! paternity test event sponsored by Alpo and an interview with People Pets.

...And she's so annoyed by it that she brought it up again.

The human mutation of Cathy is out selling that Wanderlust movie, which looks to me like the brain dead "didn't pull out in time" baby of Flirting with Disaster and Wet Hot American Summer, and you know what that means? It's that time again when Jennifer adds fuel to the fire by bringing up Brangelina to sell her damn movie. After posing for a bunch of pictures, which can double as a Chico's ad campaign, for InStyle's March 2012 (via The Berry) issue, Jennifer talked about what misconception annoys her the most and how she isn't copying Justin Theroux's style.

On how she doesn't purposefully dress like Justin Theroux and how the first time he came to her house she didn't secretly steal his favorite leather jacket to make a twin of it for herself: "First of all, he has great style - it's very specific, and it has been his style forever. Has it influenced mine? No, but I know people say it has.'Oh, look, you're dressing alike.' And I think, no I'm not. I've had this jacket for three years!"

On the biggest mistake of her life: "I'm not sure. Just walking out of the house can be a risk!"

On how she'd be a director or a dermatologist if she wasn't a professional line memorizer. Basically, she loves facials: "Directing. I was very proud of producing and directing for the beautiful project 'Five.' Or I'd love to be a dermatologist. I'd be so obsessive about it. I'm fascinated by skin, products, and lasers. I go on the Internet and read all about it. I call it 'laser porn.'"

On how she hates that fake Brangelina feud talk, but can't stop talking about it!: "Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband - and that there's a feud there. It's constant. It's a story headline that won't go away, but it's a money thing - [people make money off] a story that has nothing to do with reality."

Oh ho, please. It's so annoying that this bitch threw it up again. Aniston knows very well that quote just earned her the cover of every tabloid for the next few weeks. Star Magazine needs to send her a bouquet of Maddox voodoo dolls, because she just gave their asses a perfect cover headline that will read: "Jennifer Aniston says: 'The triangle with my ex-husband....there's a feud there!"

Why didn't Aniston leave that Brangelina shit on the ground next to the dead horse and instead bring up the misconception that when she fights with Justin, she locks herself in her bedroom. Then she makes her Justin Theroux Cabbage Patch doll apologize to her before handing her a bowl of happy soup (aka melted ice cream with uncooked room-temp cookie dough balls in it). That's because it's not a misconception! It's a truth straight from my Maddox's Burn Book Tumblr.

Multi-millionaire supermodel Gisele Bundchen went to the e-mail room in her $20 million custom built dream mansion and wrote a note to her family and friends asking them to ask the lord above to help her multi-millionaire quarterback husband win his fourth Super Bowl ring on Sunday. The New York Post somehow got a hold of the e-mail (SPOILER ALERT: They prayed for it) and published it on their cover this morning:

My sweet friends and family,

This sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this super bowl . . .

I feel Tommy really needs our prayer, our support and love at this time.

So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this sunday.

Thank you for your love and support. Love, G :)”

What a selfish bitch. Doesn't Gis know that it's award season? It's God's busiest time of year, even busier than Christmas (side note: Does God call Christmas "Sonmas"?)! God doesn't have time to listen to Gis' family, because he's too busy sending "you're welcome" cards to all the actors and musicians who thanked him in their speeches. Oh, Gis.

But seriously, I would say a prayer for Tommy on Gis' behalf, but I've used up all my prayers today on a much more important matter. I've been praying that if the woman in this NSFW vintage news clip hasn't gotten what she was wishing for, that she gets it soon.

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

The term BOLD BITCH has just been redefined, so update your dictionaries. Susanna Barrett, a pageant mom who's been on Toddlers & Tiaras before, has thrown a $30 million lawsuit at TMZ, The Huffington Post and the greatest news source in every universe The Daily Mail for sexualizing her 5-year-old daughter Isabella by posting a video of Isabella singing to LMFAO's "I'm Sexy And I Know It" at a club in NYC. Somebody hand me a bedazzled Kleenex, because a pristine tear of happiness slides down my cheek every time a mother pushes blame on another trick to get a quick check out of it. The Pimp Mama Kris Effect is a beautiful thing.

MSNBC says that in the lawsuit filed in NYC on Tuesday, Susanna claims that the video (seen above in all of its terrifying animatronic glory) is the epitome of G-rated innocence and the media turned it into a piece of illegal sucioness by writing shit like "gyrating in a nightclub and singing about her sex appeal" to describe Isabella's performance.

"(Isabella) did not understand the concept of sex, let alone 'sex appeal' and could not have been singing about her own sex appeal. It is the defendants who, through their articles, have thrust these false and vulgar characteristics on to Isabella. As a result, Isabella is now perceived sexually, erotically and pornographically, and (the stories) have placed Isabella in serious physical danger, attracting the attention of others who would seek to sexualize a child."

I've pulled the Lawyer career card at least three times during the Game of Life and this makes me an expert at law shit, so you can trust me when I say that all of that legal talk translates into: "If anybody's going to make a dollar by sexualizing Isabella, it's going to be Susanna Barrett and Susanna Barrett only! Now empty your fanny pack, Harvey!"

Isabella is the same girl who looked into the camera and said that her 3-year-old arch rival Paisley Dickey (NO COMMENT) dresses like a hooker. So not only should Paisley Dickey (again, NO COMMENT) throw a lawsuit at Isabella for hookerizing her by calling her a wannabe hooker, but White Oprah should also file a lawsuit against every single media outlet for crackieizing her innocent daughter by posting picture after picture of her behaving like a complete cracked out crackhead mess.

Elton John's husband David Furnish went on a bitter old queen rant the night Madge won the Golden Globe for Best Song over the song from his movie Gnomeo & Juliet. Shots were fired and Madge made a mental note to claim the soul of David's first born Zachary by revenge fucking him in 18 years. We should all assume that Madge also threatened to strangle David with her velocicrotch in his sleep, because he's put down his weapon, slid it over to her side and is now saying on Facebook (via UsWeekly) that his words were blown out of proportion.

"Wow! What a tempest in a teapot. My comments regarding The Golden Globes have been blown way out of proportion. My passion for our film Gnomeo & Juliet and belief in Elton's song really got my emotional juices going. But I must say for the record that I do believe Madonna is a great artist, and that Elton and I wish her all the best for next week's premiere of the film W.E."

Hmmm. I wonder which part was blown out of proportion? The part where he wrote "Madonna for Best Song? Fuck off!" or the part where he wrote that her "acceptance speech was embarrassing in its narcissism." Or maybe the part where he used her old CD booklets to line the inside of Elton's Depends? I hate it when this shit happens. David let his bitter bitch flag fly brightly and now he's backpedaling up Madge's ass, because he's afraid she's going to make his hairline jump back a few inches when she puts him in a neck-hold with her engorged peen arms. David is an embarrassment in his wussyissism (and I'm an embarrassment for using the word wussyissism).

And when you write the line "my passion for our film Gnomeo & Juliet," everything you write afterward should be struck from the record, because it's obvious you're okay with not making sense and it's not right for you to drag us down too.

Speaking of W.E., here's a piece of The Daily Telegraph's smile-inducing, heartwarming and day-making review:

Madonna’s skill with the camera seems to extend to her being able to turn it on, but not a great deal further: to liven up an argument between Wallis and Edward, she has her romantic leads inexplicably run around a tree trunk. Later, we see Wallis dancing the Charleston with an African tribeswoman to the strains of 'Pretty Vacant’ by The Sex Pistols in front of a Charlie Chaplin film, which must be a strong contender for the most garbled, half-baked image in cinema history.

W.E. is — still — a stultifyingly vapid film, festooned with moments of pure aesthetic idiocy. With characteristic humbleness, Madonna performs a song called 'Masterpiece’ over the end credits, although one can’t help but feel that her 2003 number one single 'Sorry’ might have been more appropriate.

Now that's how it's done, David! W.E.'s chances at getting nominated for an Oscar are as bleak as my asshole getting nominated for an Oscar, but the academy should still flash this review when they acknowledge Madge's movie career in the In Memoriam segment.

(Thanks Gillian)

Where there's a Ryan Gosling covering his face with a Famous Monsters Magazine, there's a Joyce DeWitt look-alike who's trying to strap herself to his carry-on so he has no choice but to take her on a sky ride of love.

So yeah, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are still nibbling on each other's wet parts and suddenly they're all coy about it. Ryan and Eva spent their New Year's in NYC together, and when they showed up at JFK and arrived at LAX yesterday, they both had their faces covered like my one-night tricks when they leave my apartment in broad daylight. (Or like my family members preparing themselves for the rancid scent of invisible butt smoke when I reached for a fourth piece of pistachio cake at Christmas Day lunch.)

Either these whores have a spray of herp sores on their mouths or they're turning on the STUNT QUEEN moves for the holidays. Eva Mendes is really acting like the camera flashes down give her life and like she didn't e-mail all the paps her exact itinerary. Bitch, give George Costanza his hat back and get over yourself.

Although...if I was walking around with some dude wearing a trucker hat and the year wasn't 2003, I'd probably cover my mug out of embarrassment too.

Did you know that ScarJo's actual government name is not ScarJo, but it's actually something like Scarlett Johansson? Weird, right? You think you know someone. Well, ScarJo tells USA Today that she wants the nickname to die a painful death and thinks it was born from the lazy orifice of laziness. This coming from a trick who has permanent lazy face and is acting in her sleep most of the time. Okay, then....

"Oh, it's awful. It's a laziness. People can't actually say the whole name? It's just bizarre. How come Daniel Day-Lewis isn't subjected to like, 'DaDay'? So Cate Blanchett is not, like, 'CaBla'? Why is that? Why do I have to get stuck with a mangled moniker?"

The fuckery of comparing herself to DaDay and CaBla aside, ScarJo should be grateful that bitches are typing or saying her name in any form. But if ScarJo doesn't want to be called ScarJo, maybe we shouldn't call that bitch ScarJo. (In my best Teresa Giudice gorilla howl) Is ScarHO better? Is that better?

Seen here having a slow roll orgasm from being touched by my favorite Kardashihater Daniel Craig at last night's NYC premiere of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Rooney Mara is quickly becoming the Vulcan Natalie Portman, because she's getting cast in movie after movie after movie. But before David Fincher plucked Rooney and threw her into his movies, she shot a guest spot on Law & Order: SVU and she tells Allure (via Page Six) that it was torturous for her. I know, Rooney Mara has been through so much. Miss Sophia should lend Rooney her "ALL MY LIFE!" speech, because this is a girl who has struggled! Obviously. Light a patron saint candle for this young famous actress from a family of multimillionaires after you read about the hardships she's suffered through.

"It was so awful. So stupid. Me and my boyfriend — although I [didn't] look old enough to have a boyfriend — went and beat up these fat people, and at the end of the show you find out that I used to be obese and I hate fat people. It’s ridiculous. Who would ever do that? Who would beat someone up because they’re fat? People are obsessed with that show. I don’t get it."

Miss Sophia seriously just rolled her one good eye at Rooney. Rooney just showed us that she's a GOOP-in-training. How nice of her to drop a lump of ungratefulness all over the show that gave her one of her first acting jobs.

If people weren't obsessed with that show, it would've been canceled a long time ago, she never would've been on it and she probably wouldn't be in that Dragon Girl shit. I mean, Rooney's big movie hasn't even come out yet and she's already Megan Fox-ing at the mouth. Rooney, please pull up a chair next to Kristen Stewart in the HO, STOP section of the auditorium.

And here's more of Rooney wearing a Tron negligee to the GWTDT premiere.

Daniel Craig completed everyone's life recently when wise words of beautiful wisdom spilled out of his poetry hole during an interview with GQ Magazine. This is the original quote, and yes, it should be mandatory for schoolchildren to memorize it and recite it right before saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning.

"Look at the Kardashians, they're worth millions. I don't think they were that badly off to begin with but now look at them. You see that and you think, 'What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television and then you'll pay me millions?' I'm not judging it—well, I am obviously."

Doesn't that just give your soul a boner? Well, Heat Magazine (via TS) asked Pimp Mama Kris, seen below with the ghost of a praying mantis at The Hollywood Reporter's Famewhoring Whores Women in Entertainment luncheon, what she thinks about the truth according to James Bond (and the world). Being the piece of delusional shit that she is, Pimp Mama Kris let a bull's anus do the talking for her and it said this:

"(He has) crossed the line. It's not made him look like the world's nicest guy. The right thing for a real man to do now would be to issue a public apology. The easy thing would be to criticize his career now, but our family won't stoop to that level."

I don't think Daniel Craig heard Pimp Mama Kris' response since the verbal shit of earth scum doesn't travel all the way up, up, up, up, up, up, up to his perch on the highest level. Stoop to that level?! This Cousin Balki-looking bitch is either a comedic genius or she's obsessively dedicated to the art of being fucking delusional. Rat shit and Snooki's tampon sit a few dozen levels above the Kardashians on the pyramid of life.

What is she going to attack in Daniel Craig's career? That is an impossible mission. That's like me attacking the writing skills of George Bernard Shaw. That's like a maggot on a piece of rotten hamburger attacking a cow for not being fresh. What was Pimp Mama Kris going to say? That Daniel Craig worked to get the career he has while the Kardashians' fame was handed to them on a glove that didn't fit? That Daniel Craig used his talent to become a millionaire celebrity while the Kardashians' used Kim's asshole? Burn.

Pimp Mama Kris needs to stop acting like there's an exit for the High Road on the Famewhore Highway.

Pure sea jasper, Red Bull, fake tanner, a Baccarat crack pipe, leggings with secret crotch pockets for stolen jewelry, Fix-A-Flat lip injections and the hole in the California Justice System she keeps fucking raw are just a few of the loves of Lindsay Lohan's life and you can add a kicking and screaming Heath Ledger to that list whether he likes it or not. Star Magazine (via Radar) somehow magically found Lindsay Lohan's private diaries in their paws and they may or may not have signed a scribbled contract on a T.G.I. Friday's cocktail napkin stating that they will not disclose that White Oprah sold it them for a few Mohegan Sun gambling chips and a grey goose. (Nobody tell White Oprah that contrary to what the drunk she gave a handy to in the parking lot told her, vodka does not come from the pee hole of a grey goose.)

In an entry from Memoirs of a Cokey dated January 22, 2008, LiLo cries about how she'll never feel Heath's touch again.

"Today Heath died. I’m in love with him…. He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

Shortly after Heath's death, both White Oprah and Michael Lohan claimed that LiLo was dating him and was supposed to fly to NYC to be with him just days after he overdosed. I think the coroner should update Heath's death certificate to read, "Cause of Death: Lindsay Lohan was about to visit him."

Blohan writes in other entries that she was having an affair with JFK, couldn't wait to start filming Something's Gotta Give, and suspected that her housekeeper was an undercover CIA agent who was lacing her barbiturates with arsenic. So all of this should be taken with a grain of coke.