Girlfriend Please

Rolling Stone brought up the long, thick, veiny circumcised elephant in Jon Hamm's pants and asked him how he feels about the fact that his jaw-breaking Hammaconda has launched a dozen Tumblrs and has become a bigger (in every sense of the word) star than him. Jon finished feeding his Hammaconda its daily lunch of raw steak and live mice before saying that he thinks it's very rude and inappropriate for hos to constantly obsess over his two ton dick. But you probably didn't read that sentence since you were too busy morning dreaming about running naked through a lavender field with Jon's Hammcock as a spring rain falls on the both of you. Pop that dream bubble and read what Jon had to say about how we're all sucking his dick with our eyes:

"Most of it's tongue-in-cheek. But it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have - a prurience. They're called 'privates' for a reason. I'm wearing pants, for fuck's sake. Lay off. I mean, it's not like I'm a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal ... But whatever. I guess it's better than being called out for the opposite."

"I really feel for you, Jon" said Christina Hendricks as the one millionth Tumblr dedicated to her magnificent chichis goes up and a fan asks her right nipple if it can autograph his ass.

Jon can easily get all of us gutter-brained sucio pervs to stop talking about his Great Wall of China dick if he just puts on several pairs of Spanx panties or he can shut us up by showing us his co.... Wait, what were we talking about again? I lost my train of thought when it crashed right into Jon's mega mega dick.

Eva Mendes did an interview with New York Magazine (via E!) to promote that movie she did with Ryan Gosling called Place Beyond the Pines and she didn't really want to talk about anything. If I was interviewing Eva, I'd ask her to show me with her hands how big Ryan's dick is and then I'd ask her if he giggles when she tickles his taint. You know, basic questions. But I'd be wasting my breath and mouth muscles, because she wouldn't answer any of those question. New York Magazine asked her some simple shit and she put on an "OHMYGODIMSOPRIVATE!" act.

They asked her where she met Ryan Gosling and she said, "That's where I start to shut down. Because it gets into personal territory that I don't feel comfortable talking about. So sorry."

They asked her about her role in the movie and she said, “I don’t want to disclose anything because I feel like there are no more surprises anymore, whether it’s in film, about the ending of a story, or what a character looks like—by the time we see the movie, we’ve seen paparazzi shots of the actor wearing the wig. Where’s the mystery? Where’d it go? I want it back.”

They asked her if she wants to make tiny Goslings with Ryan Gosling and she said, "I'm so out of here. You know the cartoon where the steam comes out and it says, 'Boop-bee-boop. System down'?"

They finally asked her why is she wasting their fucking time when they could be at home fapping while eating Thin Mints instead of rolling their eyes every time she refused to answer their question. No, they didn't ask that, but they should've.

But Eva did want to talk about her dog's privacy. Eva wishes that tabloids and blogs would blur out her dog's face the way British tabloids blur out the faces of children in paparazzi pictures. Eva said:

"I'll go somewhere and they'll be like, 'Hey, Hugo!' and I'm like, 'How do you know Hugo's name?' That's so creepy!"

Oh, please. She's just mad, because they knew her dog's name and didn't know hers. Hugo is way more famous than she is (which is how it should be). Did Eva even ask Hugo what he wants? Maybe he's a fame whore and loves the attention? Just look at that picture. She's the one throwing her hands up all dramatic like she's Norma Desmond and Hugo's just chilling there. But you know, if we had to blur out the faces of canine creatures who lick their own butts, then that means we'd have to blur out the faces of every Kardashian. Maybe that crazy bitch Eva Mendes is on to something after all.

Goop's Fashion Picks for Spring is so damn popular and she get so many requests for it that she has brought it back for a third year in a row. 99% of those emails are probably from people telling her to please bring it back up, because it makes them laugh so damn hard that they make a wet spot in their $2 cotton panties from KMart. If you're Elin Nordegren, all you have to do is shake the change of your purse and you can buy everything on Goopy Paltrow's fashion list for spring. If you're everybody else, all you have to do is sell your house, sell your car, sell every drop of blood in your body, empty out your checking account, rob a bank and blow Charlie Sheen a few times, and you too can buy a bunch of designer clothes you can't wear anywhere without looking a fool.

In this week's edition of Goop, Goopy showed her readers how they can update their spring wardrobe using stuff they can buy from Net-A-Porter. E! totaled everything up on her list and it came to only $458,003! On the list is a $5,495 Valentino bag, $850 Alexander Wang leather shorts (which will make you look like you have a wang) and an $895 Victoria Beckham dress. The $475 fancy shorts in the picture above are perfect to wear during a lunch date with your husband. When he doesn't show up, the shininess of the shorts will make you forget that your husband hates you, because you're ridiculous and is probably in a cheap motel room shoving his face in a pile of Twinkies just to spite you.

My favorite thing on the list is a $1,615 skirt, which Goopy says is a wonderful thing to wear during a night in with your friends. Yes, a $1,600 ball gown skirt is the perfect thing to wear while hanging out with your friends at home. Oh, you'll feel so comfortable wearing a $1,600 skirt while lounging on your red panda leather sofa. When your friend Bunny accidentally spills a glass of vintage Krug (it's a casual night-in, you save the good stuff for formal events) on your $1,600 skirt after you tell a joke about how you saw Muffy carrying a COACH purse into the tennis club, you don't have to freak out. It's just a casual $1,600 skirt. You'll just tell your maid to cut it into squares to use as wee wee pads for the Burmese ponies you bought for little Pomegranate and Jeduthun.

I really hope Goop stays so unaware and never pulls her head out of her ass, because all of this is gold. Oh wait, I don't mean gold. Gold is for the poors!

While Apple and Moses Martin are eating the stuck cheese off of the McDonald's wrappers they smuggled into their bedrooms because they are HONGRAY, Goopy Paltrow is downstairs sharing a crystal goblet full of calorie-free organic air with a bunch of women who were too threatened by her to be her friend 14 years ago. Goopy tells Self Magazine (more like Self-Involved Magazine if Fishsticks is on the cover) that after Harvey Weinstein pretty much bought her an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love, women were too jealous of her power to be her friend. But now that she's more seasoned and has been through a lot (I'll wait here as you go and pick up the eyeball that rolled out onto the floor), women like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz want to be her friend. The Anne Hathaway of her time shat out this dingle of ridiculousness.

"I feel a sisterhood emerging around me. I’m less threatening now that I’m 40 and not 26-with-an-Oscar. They know I’ve been through a lot of pain and suffering – some public, some private – and I keep going. Or maybe it’s just that I was the first one who could afford therapy!"

Goopy really has been through a lot of pain and suffering! One time at a restaurant, she ordered a caviar-encrusted piece of raw bluefin tuna on a bed of cloud puree and the waiter brought her a caviar-encrusted piece of seared bluefin tuna instead. THE PAIN! Another time, she was watching a TV documentary on Ethiopia to get diet tips when a commercial for Pillsbury Crescent Rolls came on. THE SUFFERING! Goopy can't even look at processed carbs, that's how allergic to gluten she is. And let's not even get into the time she had to rip her wood-burning pizza oven out because her weekday nanny put a DiGiorno in there. She has been through a lot!

And Goopy only has friends like Beyonce and Cameron Diaz now, because all the insufferable and pretentious crap that comes out of her mouth makes them feel humble and sane by comparison.

via The Daily Mail 

I'll wait here as you blink away the drops of potent class that hit your eyeballs when you looked at that picture. Everything is elegant about queefing into the mic.

So, Nicole ScherMINGEr's last album didn't even come out in the US, she's never been on Broadway and she's only had speaking roles in 2 movies, and she says she'd have a whole more if she opened up her legs all the time. If Nicole was a huge whore, she'd be instructing her team of maids to dust her dozens of Tonys, Grammys and Oscars right now.

In an interview with The Independent (via SF Chronicle) that's equal parts delusional and desperate (aka all the things I love an in an interview), the former head puss of the Pussycat Dolls says that classy people like her have to work harder to be successful and if she laid her coochie on the devil, she'd have Adele's career right now (yeah, I think Nicole is calling Adele and every other successful singer a mega tramp).

You might want to put a mask on before you read this mess, because the delusion is thick and you might catch it.

“I come from the most religious family. My grandfather is a priest. And if they support me in all this, and they do, then I’m OK. I’m being sassy and classy; I’m having fun. I’m not coming from a dark place. To be honest with you, I sometimes wish I were more slutty. I’d probably be a lot more successful if I were.

This is such a tough industry, you know. To make it, you really have to sell your soul to the devil… That’s probably why I haven’t quite reached the top of my mountain. I mean, where’s my Tony Award, my Grammy, my Oscar? Why don’t I have any of those things yet?”

Translation: "Sleeping your way to the bottom is a bitch!"

To me, Nicole Scherzinger has always felt like a never-ending Maya Rudolph impersonation of Apollonia and now I find out that she's as funny as a Maya Rudolph impersonation too. That whole quote is classic. Bitch should go write funnies for SNL. She'd easily get an Emmy.

And seriously, she should get a Tony, Grammy, Oscar, Emmy, AVN and all the awards for that picture alone.

Before and after Ann Curry was dumped from the Today show, there were dozens of stories about how Matt Lauer was the one who ordered a hit out on her and he's the one who drafted her walking papers. Fuel was added to that fire when Ann hugged everybody but Matt on her last day. With Good Morning America beating Today in the ratings, Matt is now trying something called last-minute damage control. Matt tells The Daily Beast that while everyone was thinking he's the one who dragged Ann out the exit door, he was telling NBC to give her more time as his co-anchor.

Some source tells The Daily Beast that when Matt was told that Ann was out, he begged them to give her more time before pushing her into a smaller role. Steve Capus, the former president of NBC News, backed up that source's claim by queefing this out:

“When Matt was informed that we had made this decision, his good counsel was to go slow, to take care of Ann, and to do the right things. He was quietly and publicly a supporter of Ann’s throughout the entire process. It is unfair that Matt has shouldered an undue amount of blame for a decision he disagreed with.”

Matt admits that before Ann was let go, he took her to lunch and told her that he initially didn't want her as his co-host. Ann didn't have an agent at the time, so Matt advised her to get one right away. Ann already had an open sore on her heart from knowing that she was about to lose her job and then Matt pissed on that open sore by telling her he never wanted her to have the job in the first place. How nice of him. Matt really is supporting.

Matt then said that he knows Ann's firing wasn't handled very well.

“I don’t think the show and the network handled the transition well. You don’t have to be Einstein to know that. It clearly did not help us. We were seen as a family, and we didn’t handle a family matter well.

In some ways being No. 2 in the ratings is a real shot in the arm, a kick in the pants. It makes you hungrier ... I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have a fire lit under your ass.”

What I got from this piece is that when Matt takes you out for a work lunch, he's only taking you out to tell you that he wishes he wasn't having lunch with you, because he wishes you weren't hired to work alongside him in the first place. What I also got from this piece is that Matt likes his side hos to dip their fingers in some hot sauce before fingering his b-hole.

Kim Kartrashian no longer has to hold Kanye West's Balenciaga purse for him, because he doesn't have to scratch at Justin Timberlake's face and yank at that trash-talking whore's beautifully relaxed hair anymore. The beef is officially squashed. (FYI: "The beef is officially squashed" is also the code phrase that John Travolta's assistants use to let the housekeepers know his "massage appointment" in his bedroom is over and they better bring extra Bounty Paper Towels and Lysol, because it's that kind of mess.)

The most boring catfight ever started when Kanye West used one of his shows to declare that he doesn't like Jay-Z's new song with Justin Timberlake. Then Justin Timberlake used SNL to declare that "hits so sick, got rappers acting dramatic." If my overuse of the word "declare" made you picture Kanye and Justin delicately fanning themselves with lace fans while saying "I do declare" to each other over and over again, that was my intention.

The most boring catfight ever is probably over now, because on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night, Justin played dumb while making it clear that he sleeps in an I Love Kanye thong every single night. Jimmy brought up Justin changing a lyric to slap at Kanye and their conversation went like this:

JT: Did I change the lyrics? You know, really, everyone, keep calm.

Jimmy: Keep calm and Kanye on.

JT: For the record, I absolutely love Kanye, so there's that. Were the lyrics changed? I don't remember.

Kanye West obviously goes for the hair in a catfight and Justin did not sit in a salon chair for 3 hours and he did not suffer the pain of the relaxer burning into his scalp just so some trick ass bitch can yank out pieces of his freshly straightened hair. Justin is protecting his beauty, that's all. You gotta pick your battles and any battle involving a bitch possibly pulling your gorgeous hair out is not a battle you want to pick. I can't hate on JT for taking the high road and by the high road I mean "I Just Went To The Salon So Let's No Do This Today Boulevard."

via USA Today

Jennifer Aniston is supposed to break the forever alone curse put on her by an evil witch (no comment) by licking the grease off of Justin Theroux's lips when they kiss at their wedding in a few months. Jennifer is supposed to get all the attention and all the covers of every magazine and everybody should be talking about her her her her her! But because Brad Pitt has to ruin everything, he's probably going to ruin her wedding day.

The Sun (I know, I know) says that Brad got a marriage license about a month ago and that he and Angie Jolie are planning to throw a wedding at their chateau in France in May. Jennifer also wants to get married around May, so she's pissing into Brad's bong, because he's ruining her damn life once again. Some source said that Jennifer was thinking of going to Brad's wedding (file that under: things that will only happen if Maddox lures her there by leaving a trail of Beanie Babies from her door to Brangie's wedding), but she's changed her mind.

“All that goodwill would go out the window if Brad’s wedding date comes close to hers. Jennifer will see it as an attempt to upstage her and there will be a battle over Hollywood guests. She knows they will be judged on who had the better wedding by pulling in the biggest stars."

I know, I've typed this a million times before (what else is new?), but Brangie and TinAnis should really make the world explode by having a double wedding. If they had a double wedding, the sheer force of the Brangeloonies' heads exploding would make the Earth tilt on its axis and we'd all free fall into the universe before landing on a planet far, far away. We'd get up, wipe the foreign planet dust off of our body and just as we all breathed out sighs of relief over never hearing about the Brangie and Aniston triangle again, some alien will come up to us and say in our native tongue, "So who's dress was hotter? Jen or Angie's?"

But really, Brad and Angie are never getting married. They're just dragging this out to torture all of us forever.

And here's Brad dressed like a middle-aged lesbian architect while walking through LAX yesterday.

The rhinestones of desperation sparkling above Jennifer Love Hewitt's chocha aren't the most precious things on her body. JLove tells USA Today (via HuffPo) that a pair of Brink's security guards should be guarding her chichis at all times, because they're that spectacular, that special and they're worth more than Heidi Klum's legs and Holly Madison's Tupperware titty bowls combined.

JLove's favorite part of her body are her 36C tits and she says it's the only part she'd have insured, because they've made her a millionaire.

"I need, like, an insurance invitation. If somebody was like, 'Hey, you know what? We would like to insure your boobs for $2.5 million dollars,' I'd be like, 'Do it. Love it! Why not? These things right here are worth $5 million!"

JLove must've bedazzled her nipples (nippleizzing?) with canary diamonds, because that's the only way her tits would be worth $5 million. I mean, Dolly Parton insured her historical site titties for only $600,000 and her chichis are at the top of the list of national treasures right above Mount Rushmore, John Travolta's wig and Jon Hamm's Hammaconda.

And before JLove makes all the geckos roll their eyes by calling up Geico to get an estimate for her titties, she needs to fire who ever's in charge of gluing tiny broom brushes onto her eyelids. The wonky lash look does not become her. JLove should leave that look to Amanda Bynes.

Today's edition of "Things You See When You're High On Drugs" is brought to you by Russell Crowe's UFO sighting. Russell Crowe and his friend set up a camera at his office in a suburb outside of Sydney called Woolloomooloo, because they wanted to get pictures of fruit bats flying out of the botanical gardens. When Russell and his friend looked at the pictures, they saw something that'll make  John Travolta and the other alien-loving queens at Scientology cream out their weight in panty pudding. Russell and his friend swear on the bong they smoked from that what they saw is a UFO.

It looks like a flare from a lens to me, but after Russell Crowe shared this on Twitter and some of his followers said the same thing, he set us all straight (well, even Shauna Sand's precious pearl of a pussy couldn't make me straight, but you know what I'm trying to say).

UFO? Time Lapse Photos Outside RC's Woolloomooloo Office (THESE ARE REAL!)

Canon 5D, No Flash, can't be a lense flare because it moves , camera is fixed

It's not a video it is 3 time lapse photo's taken in 4.5 seconds

I will grant you at the time the music wasn't playing, also, yes, we have pushed in on the frame..this is 3 photo's in order, nothing added

Either this is a viral ad for Canon and Russell is their new spokesdude or Russell can't handle his booze, because he mistakes tail lights for flying macaroons (it kind of looks like a glowing macaroon, right?) when he gets drunk. But in Russell's defense, if I was an alien, the first place on Earth I'd visit would be a place called Woolloomooloo.

via Buzzfeed