Girlfriend Please

Last month, Gawker posted 4-minutes of a "naked and high tape" starring Eric Dane, his wife the Noxzema Girl and some former Miss Teen USA who might be a whore merchant. The tape barely showed any of McSteamy's McPeeny and it contained zero sex. Basically, we all submitted a request for a refund to Eric Dane for giving us all blue balls. Well, Eric and Rebecca have submitted their own documents in a Los Angeles County courtroom.

TMZ reports that they filed a $1 million lawsuit against Gawker for "maliciously distrubing" the tape. They also want Gawker to kill the video from their website.

Gawker's publisher Nick Denton had this to say about the lawsuit: "To quote the great Marty Singer -- Eric Dane's lawyer -- if you don't want a sex tape on the internet, 'don't make one!'"

You know, we should all file a class action lawsuit against Eric and Rebecca for "leaking" a sex tape without any damn sex in it! False advertising! Seriously, they could've licked a clit or flicked a peen. Instead, all they gave us was their nekkid asses hanging onto each other while giggling like sixth-graders who just got high for the first time. You could see the exact same thing in one of the Hogan's home movies.

Those of you who have never gotten your b-hole slapped by a hard peen in the early morning hours might have never heard about the site Manhunt. It's basically where your dick goes when it wants to barf while in the company of another.

Manhunt decided to conduct a study on what states are home to the biggest and smallest dicks by gathering data from their members. Here's the results:

The 5 states with the largest average peen size:
1. District of Columbia - 7.59
2. New York - 7.50
3. California - 7.45
4. Florida - 7.44
5. Kentucky - 7.42

The 5 states with the smallest average peen size:
1. Alaska - 6.34
2. Wyoming - 6.92
3. Delaware - 6.94
4. Arkansas - 6.96
5. Oklahoma - 6.96

This list can also be titled The States with the BIGGEST LIARS! I mean, if you subtract a couple of inches that's probably the real average dick size in each state. It's not like Manhunt went door-to-door with a fluffer and a ruler. They should have, because Gay Al Reynolds is always standing (or kneeling) by ready to fluff!

I've done my own unofficial study and I can say that there is no way the average dick size in New York is 7.50. My no-no will put its lips on the bible and testify to that in any court room.

VIA Buzzfeed

Right before Gay Fish made the MTV VMAs all about him by breaking the heart of a toddler, he was strolling around the venue with a bottle of Henny in one hand and his leased snatch in the other. Speaking of, Amber Rose was slowly being eaten alive by a python, but Kanye West only has eyes for himself so he didn't notice.

Well, bitches were saying that Kanye was drunker than Wino's nipples before and during the awards show. Surprisingly, Kanye didn't throw all the blame on Henny when he farted out this half-assed yet entertaining non-apology on his blog last night. Sorry, Kanye, the magic of the CAPS LOCK KEY can't even save you now. Here's a little drunk blogging courtesy of Gay Fish:

“I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!”

Good lord, I want to Fabreze that entire statement, because it reeeeeeks of Henny barf, microwaved bull shit, and Taylor Swift's tears (aww). You can tell this is every shade of NOT SINCERE, because he only used ten zillion exclamation points instead of ten zillion and one.

After Mischa Barton got out of the crazy ward and wiped the 5150 off her forehead, she told the media that her wisdom teefs are to blame for all her troubles.

On The View today, Mischa Barton elaborated on it by saying she had all four of her wisdom teefs pulled out at once, but they totally botched that shit. When she woke up the next day, she had an infection and a dry socket. Parasite Hilton's toxic snatch is "pfft-ing" at that, because it has a dry socket and an infection daily.

Mischa claims she only took the minimum amount of painkillers to get her through the pain. This is Mischa Barton we're talking about, so her minimum is probably your maximum (Unless your name is Amy Winehouse). When Mischa couldn't take the pain any longer, she went to the hospital where she shouted that she wanted to die. And that was the key phrase needed to stamp a 5150 on her and shuffle her off to the looney bin.

I'm completely on the same level with the bitches at The View, because I don't know how getting your wisdom teeth yanked out could land you in the psych ward.

I mean, Mischa could've just lied by saying that she had "lunch" with Paula Abdul and Lindsay Lohan that day and the next thing she knew, she was in the crazy house. We all would've just sighed collectively and understood.

And something tells me the "wisdom tooth" excuse is going to be the new "exhaustion."

Chris Brown is pulling the "Iz Had Amnezah" card by saying he doesn't remember Ike Turnering Alien Princess RiRi.

In an interview with Larry King which airs on Wednesday night, Chris Brown said that when he read about the details of that night, he couldn't believe it, "I just look at it like, wow. I'm in shock, because that's not who I am as a person…I don't know what to think. It's just like, wow. When I look at it now, it's just like, wow, like, I can't — I can't believe that — that actually happened."

WOW. Chris Brown needs to like, wow, take that stupid ass bow tie and shove it down his throat. It's like, wow. WOW.

Notice how he says "I can't believe that happened," instead of saying "I can't believe I did that." Ugh. How hard is it just to admit you're a dick, say you're sowwy and then lock yourself in a room with a therapist for a few months? Chris needs new people!

When Larry asked Chris if he still loves RiRi, he said, "I never fell out of love with her. That just wouldn't go away."

Chris should just let See 'N Say do all the talking for him from now on, because he's not doing himself any favors by opening up his mouth.

If you Google "Demi Moore plastic surgery" you'll find several stories and pictures detailing Demi Moore's journey down the plastic surgery highway. A couple of years ago, the Daily Mail even ran a story about how Demi dropped hundreds of thousands of dollars on a complete plastic surgery makeover including getting her knees de-wrinkled. Well, Demi once again claims that all of these accusations are made out of one hundred percent LIES, because she's never had anything done. If your eyeballs didn't roll right out of your head, hold them tight, because they just might do that after reading Demi's version of the truth. Keep the phrase "BITCH STOP" waiting in the wings....

Demi told French Marie Claire (via The Telegraph), "It's completely false, I've never had it done. But I would never judge those who have. If it's the best thing for them, then I don't see a problem." Demi went on to yap that she's not a fan of plastic surgery, "It's a way to combat your neurosis. The scalpel won't make you happy. That said, the day when I start crying when I look at myself in the mirror might be the day when I'm less adamant about not having it done. For the moment I prefer to be a beautiful woman of my age than try desperately to look thirty."

Oh, Demi! This game is fun! You know, I didn't just gobble down two powdered donuts. No, that was an organic apple and a boiled egg (whites only). And no, I didn't spend my entire night bonging and boozing. No, I spent it mediating and trying to find my chi (SPOILER ALERT: It was in my bong). See, isn't that a fun game. We can all play along with Demi!

Why doesn't Demi just admit this shit? Yeah, she's not the second coming of Donatella Versace, but she has definitely spent a little quality time with the scalpel. Methinks they might be lovers.

I mean, what does Demi have to say about this:

Let me guess, Demi was sunbathing topless and the wind just happened to blow two silicone-filled plastic sacks into her nipple holes?

On last night's episode of Police Women of Broward County (love that shit!), I learned a new favorite excuse. It all started when Officer Paltrow O'Day Manzo rolled up to the front of a convenience store, because she heard some bitches were smoking the good shit. When she checked one of the ladies, who we'll call Mary McTittyWeed, a bit of heaven's weed fell out of her bra. CAUGHT. Or was she?

Mary played that "huh...wha...how" shit. Then Mary confirmed to all of us that she's the genius of all geniuses with an IQ of over ten zillion when she said that the wind must have blew the weed into her bra! THIS BITCH! Mary said she was hanging out with her sister-in-law, who was smoking weed, and her stash must've taken the wind express right into her bubby area. Unfortunately, the cops didn't buy it after finding another stash in her purse and they took her to the jail house. Mary was totally telling the truth. The wind should have been arrested, not her.

The "wind" excuse will work for almost any situation. Let's say you get caught sucking a peen belonging to your best friend's man. Just say, "Oh, I was gazing at the beautiful stars above with my mouth open and the wind blew his dick into my mouth." See, it works!

Katie Price's friends and managers are begging her to drop her latest dick after details of some movie he shot a while ago were released. Katie's piece, Alex Reid, stars in a movie called Killer Bitch, which features him raping a girl played by actress Yvette Rowland. In the scene, Alex grabs her by the neck, chokes her a bit, pulls down his chonies and then does her. This has made Katie's aides all nervous-like, because they think this will ruin her "family-friendly image." I'll wait here while you go and get some Windex to clean up the Tang (with a splash of Bacardi) you spit up on your monitor after reading that last part.

One friend told The Mirror, “It’s very seedy. A number of friends and her media advisers feel her relationship with Alex will be detrimental to both her and her career. They desperately want her to leave him before it’s too late. Pete’s beyond outraged by this new low. He thinks it’s absolutely disgusting and can’t believe his children are spending time in the presence of this man.”

Yes, this will definitely tarnish Katie's good name since she is such a pristine virgin flower who wilts when you even curse in front of her. Cue Harvey shouting: "BITCH, PLEASE!"

Before Jodie Marsh came on the scene, Katie was the skankest skank who ever skanked (aww...memories). So her boyfriend's "fake rap scene" is nothing. Her friends need to stop worrying about stupid shit like this and focus on more important things: LIKE KATIE'S BUSTED TO SHIT WEAVE! Get that bitch a garden hoe so that she can tame the weed nest on her head. It looks like she accidentally dropped a cookie crumb in her hair and Harvey went crazy to try and find it.

I also don't approve of those obese tarantula legs on her eyes, but I understand why she's wearing them. Those things block her vision a bit, so that when she looks at her boyfriend's Quasimodo face, she doesn't get the full effect.

Here's Katie and her lovah on holiday in Cadiz, Spain yesterday.

I'm sure that while they were filming Interview with a Vampire, Tommy Girl snuck into Brad Pitt's trailer one day while he was taking a long stoner nap and cut a lock of his dick bush so that he could rub it against his glazed b-hole every chance he got. Well, that lock of pubies will be going into the fire, because Brad Pitt is talking trash about Tommy's fine work!

In an interview with the German magazine Stern (via People), Brad Pitt said that Inglourious Basterds is the greatest Nazi movie of all-time, "The second World War could still deliver more stories and films, but I believe that Quentin put a cover on that pot. With Basterds, everything than can be said to this genre has been said. The film destroys every symbol. The work is done, end of story."

I haven't seen Basterds, but judging by the trailer, it looks like the only thing this movie destroys is the Southern accent. Brad Pitt makes Anna Paquin (aka "Sookeh Iz Mahn") sound like she was born in a giant bowl of grits floating in the Bayou.

And when asked about Tommy Girl's Valkyrie, Brad Pitt went there, "It was a ridiculous movie."

Yes, Brad, because you as a baby suffering from Ali Lohan syndrome wasn't all sorts of ridiculous? Really, Brad, really? In the battle of ridiculousness, I don't what was more ridiculous: Brad Pitt as a pepaw toddler or Tommy Girl's poodle hair. It's a toss-up.

SIZE 6?!!!!!? According to who? Size expert Jennifer Love Hewitt? Okay, there's no denying that Sherri Shepherd aborted a ton of chunk, but she needs to stop with the size 6 shit. Maybe her mouth is a size six, but come on.... Homegirl must be doing that new kind of math.

Sherri is on the cover of this week's OK! Magazine declaring that she lost 41 pounds due to "diet and exercise." Okay, Star Jones.

Sherri, who is 5'1", said she went from a dress size 16 to a size 6 and cut 10-inches off her waist from working with a trainer and eating healthy meals delivered to her by a company named Fresh Diet.

Sherri said that when she decided to lose the weight, she didn't want to do it alone, “I said to my producer, ‘Why don’t we do something where I tell people ‘Let’s do it together!’ and maybe [up the ante with] a bathing suit.’ The minute I said that, I was like, ‘Gosh, I should take it back because I really want M&M’s!’ But I had to do it. Then all of sudden I had all these people doing it with me. I’d Tweet about going to the gym and how hard it was, and followers would write and say, ‘Sherri, I’ve lost two pounds!’ I thought, ‘Okay, people are getting into this.’”

Okay, okay, I'll put the hate on hold for a second... Okay, maybe not just yet, because I have to repeat the quote my friend made after watching Sherri reveal her "bathing suit body" on The View. She said, "Sherri is built like a bull dog begging for a treat."