Girlfriend Please

ABC News has declared that bushy eyebrows are back! I don't think I ever got the telegram that they ever left. They claim Ashley Olsen's bushy caterpillars caused a "commotion" at the Costume Institute Gala. A commotion? Did Ash's bush brows cause Anna Wintour to choke on a buffalo wing or something?

That troll's brows ain't shit! Look at Lourdes! That's how you do bushy brows the right way. Ash needed to go home and try again.

Fuck this bushy brow "trend." We should stand together united against it. We should all take a Lady Bic to our eyebrows and draw on new one with a Sharpie. If you don't have a Sharpie, you can burn down a match for a few seconds and use that. You go first....

I mean, look at this bitch below. This kind of chola glamour will never go out of style. It's timeless.

Evan Rachel Wood tried Marilyn Manson's juice for her birthday and the bitch couldn't handle it. No, it's not what you think. She did a shot of his brand of absinthe called Mansinthe.

She said, “For my birthday, I did one shot to try it, and that was it. I was drunk immediately. Being who he is, Manson wanted to make it as strong as it could possibly be, so it’s got the highest amount of wormwood that you can have legally. One shot of it, and you’re out for the night. Three shots of it, you’re dead.” Aww...she should have done three shots then. Sorry, that was the Dita Von Teese in me talking.

The Dish Rag reports that Mansinthe may soon be available in the US. When that crap came out, one reviewer said it tasted like "sewage water." I'm sure that's what Marilyn's other juice tastes like too.

Barbara Walters has a book out and in it she covers the lie she had to tell every day on the set of "The View." Everyone knows Star Jones took a wet vac to her fat, but Star claimed for the longest time that she lost the weight from "portion control and pilates."

Babs told Oprah yesterday that Star was so obese that she could barely walk on to the set. I once heard a funny rumor that Star's fat ass couldn't make it to the set without resting, so they placed a chair between her dressing room and the set. HA! I would have moved the chair one day and put a giant pizza in its place.

Babs said, “She decided to have a gastric bypass operation, but then she decided not to tell anybody. Then we had to lie on the set everyday because she said it was portion control and Pilates. Well, we knew it wasn’t portion control and Pilates.”

Babs also talked about Rosie O'Donnell's "emotional issues." She said that Rosie felt she was abandoned by her, because she didn't back her up in Rosie's girl fight with Donald Trump. Babs also said Rosie was used to being in control, "She had always driven the bus and she could not just ride the bus." The short bus!

Unfortunately, Babs didn't give us any juicy gossip on Hasselcrack! I just know that fake bitch is a kinky swinger who's into sploshing.

I really wish I was related by blood to Paula Abdul. Then I would have inherited her natural drunk gene. Paula doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs or pop pills and yet she always looks like she's just done a dozen body shots off of a fat frat boy. For example, take the picture above. That's exactly the face I make while staring in awe at McDonald's menu after ten too many coffeetinis. Scientists really need to find a way to extract her natural drunk gene and inject it into me.

Here's Paula at a Lupus event in Los Angeles last night. I also threw in some Dakota Fanning, because it would be illegal not to.

No, it wasn't his mother or auntie. Hell, it probably wasn't even his first cousin. Some family member of Nick Cannon told E! News that he's in fact married to Mariah Carey.

Linda Cannon said, "Yes, we know. He called us and told us all about it," she said. "We are happy for him. If that is what he wants, then we are happy for him. I'm not going to give you any details, but we are happy for him." She's not going to give any details, because she doesn't know any! Bitch please! She got her "confirmation" from the internet like everyone else did.

She's probably his cousin's half-sister's son's cousin or something. I'm probably related to Nick Cannon in some way, so I'm going to confirm the wedding. Mimi looked lovely and they are were so happy together. I say "were happy," because Mimi mistook Nick for the wedding cake and she ate him. But the moments they did have together were special.

A source also said, "Everyone is happy to see her happy. And it could work out - some people know each other for five years and get divorced. Maybe this is true, instant love."

In related Mimi news, BUY HER ALBUM!

Usher is disgusted that anyone would ever think he would sell pictures of his precious baby, Usher. Yes, he named his baby Usher too. He said the rumors that he's trying to "pimp" out his baby are untrue and hurtful.

He told Page Six, "In no way would I ever pimp out my child for money. I am livid that people talk about my child." JLo is so offended by that comment. She doesn't pimp out her children! She's merely sharing the stunning beauty of her spawn with the world.....for millions of dollars.

Don't worry though. Usher posed with his baby Usher for the cover of Essence's Father's Day issue.

Usher also defended his husband wife, Tameka Foster, against the rumors that she doesn't get along with....just about everyone! He said, "I stand by her as a man loving my wife and being there for my child . . . Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one. What I will say is, this is my wife and I would hope that [people] would respect my wife and my marriage and who I have chosen to spend my life with."

The woman you've chosen to spend your life with is a dude and a cunt! Wait, is that not respectful? Oh well.

Yeah, this isn't shocking. I lied to you. Anyway.......

Angelina Jolie wasn't always a world saving, orphan adopting saint. She does have a past and The National Enquirer claims the past might come back to haunt her. A videotape from the 90s of Angie Jo allegedly doing heroin is up for sale! Shit. Can't a bitch do heroin in peace? Does there always have to be a camera involved? I'm waiting for the day celebrity "taking a shit" videos start making the rounds.

The Enquirer reports that the tape's owner wants $70,000. A source said the tape is from the 90s around the time of "Gia." The source went on to say, "The key part of the tape is Angelina doing heroin. She says, 'Wow, this is really good smack - not that cheap crap that's been stepped on.' Angelina is seen sniffing white lines from a plate, and then as the drug cooks on tinfoil, she deeply sucks in its smoke through a tube."

Angie Jo has been open about her drug use in the past. She's admitted in interviews to doing coke, heroin, blah....blah... Now she gets high on saving the world. Barf and boring.

Back to the celebrity shitting thing. I think a video of Angie taking a dump would be more shocking than a video of her smoking heroin in the 90s. I mean Saint Angie doesn't shit. I refuse to believe it.

Source

Thanks Reanna

So Phoebe Price is the woman behind the possible break-up of Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff Ice! I knew it! No man can resist the charms of her chicken cutlets!

Mario was photographed leaving a restaurant in Los Angeles with PP. Here are the pictures. Can't you feel the fire between them? Okay, she totally butted into his shot, but she will not be ignored! Mario cannot deny their love anymore.

When asked by OK! Magazine if he was dating "socialite" Phoebe Price, Mario answered, "I don’t even know who that is. I heard that, and I was like, ‘Who is that?’” Mario needs to stop playing coy. His face has definitely been in PP's copper wire bush.

Here's the First Lady of Roberton Blvd. and the soon-to-be Mrs. Mario Lopez with her dog Henry yesterday. PP better send me an invitation to her wedding.

Karina Smirnoff Ice has denied that she's split with AC Slater and that she's moving out of his house in Los Angeles.

Karina told UsWeekly, "You know, everybody goes through ups and downs in their relationships. That’s kind of a given, and it’s normal. But Mario and I are going strong. We are totally fine - and I'm not moving out! You guys will be the first to know if I'm moving out."

Shouldn't Mario be the first one to know if she's moving out! That ice bitch! This is probably what happened. Smirnoff Ice saw that her arch rival Cheryl Burke was getting more attention, because her partner got injured. Ok, I don't know if they are arch rivals, but they are in my head. Smirnoff Ice created this break-up rumor to take the shine off of Cheryl Burke!

In other news, I'm the only person on the planet that gives a possum's ass about all of this. Speaking of possums, doesn't Smirnoff Ice sort of look like one?

The Burger King is definitely sharing a pipe with Amy Wino. The BK on crack is the only thing that could explain the reason for this:

FAST food chain Burger King are to serve up the world’s most expensive takeaway – costing a whopping £85 ($170).

There’s no common old meat in this burger. It will contain top-quality Kobe beef from Japan. And instead of ketchup and cheddar, it will be garnished with foie gras – a goose delicacy – and rare blue cheese.

It will be launched in selected branches next month, with London’s upmarket Kensington and Chelsea tipped to get the posh burger first.

Lucy Barett of Marketing Magazine doesn't think it's that bad of an idea, “The idea of a burger that no one buys is not as ludicrous as it seems. Burger King will use it to promote a gap in perception between it and McDonald’s. It could lead consumers to reassess the quality of the brand.” Lucy has obviously been taking a few puffs from BK's pipe too.

First, BK needs to find a cure for their ICEEs turning your shit green. Seriously, their ICEEs will turn your shit bright green like Shrek poop. Those dumb bitches need to figure that shit out before launching new moronic products like this one.

Thanks Cecilia