I Don't Like Jokes

Whenever HoHan calls the casting directors at True Blood, they probably cackle until the connection goes out. So HoHan has been forced to audition on Twitter. Yes, it's come to this. HoHan, who has already admitted that she's a major True Blood fanwhore, posted these pictures of her as a vampire on her Twitter. Nice try, bitch. If the show was called True Cokeywhore, then she'd get the starring role, but unfortunately it's not. The only way I could appreciate her Hot Topic-approved vampire look is if we were at a goth rave and I had a pill up the butt.

And here's a few pictures of Jason Segel busting buttons (LITERALLY) while arriving at the Chateau Marmont last night. Apparently, that's HoHan in the backseat of the SUV with him. They were partying all night together. And that's how she's going to get on How I Met Your Mother. Do who you gotta do, HoHan!

For some reason, Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe is in Blanco, TX. Maybe she was styling Shelley Duvall for the Roswell UFO Festival? Yeah, who knows, but somehow Chupa ended up passing out in some dude's barn. She probably had too much Starbucks and Adderall and crashed majorly.

Chupa was discovered by some hillbillies who took her to the local taxidermist. It's happened before. Chupa will be fine. I'm sure she'll wake up from her caffeine coma in a couple of days and strut back to Hollywood where she'll shut it down for Eva Mendes and throw bananas at Anne Hathaway. Or something. Yes, I watch her show. Yes, I'm ashamed.

Here's Chupa looking much healthier a few days ago with her husband in Malibu.

Most 3-year-olds are lazy babblers who spend their days pushing Cheerios around, slobbering all over everything and get excited about talking sponges (Just like me!), but not Shiloh Jolie-Pitt! No, Shiloh is already flying planes around the world and making paninis that would melt the tongues of a million Italians. In this week's Life & Style, they take us inside the magical world of a 3-year-old.

Apparently, Shiloh loves is a regular Top Chef judge, because she loves paninis. One special soul told Life & Style that they watched Shiloh and St. Angie share a panini at a cafe in Corsica, "They were talking and seemed really happy to be out with each other." Shiloh was also heard saying that she wants to be an actor like her parents when she gets older. Then she ordered a bottle of the 59' Chateau Hanteillan and asked them to serve it to her on the veranda, because she likes to watch the sunset.

I mean, is next week's cover of Life & Style going to take us into the world of Kourtney Kardashian's fetus? I shouldn't joke, because it probably is!

Personally, I'm still waiting for the twin messiahs shocking "coming out" cover on People: "Yes, we poop our pants! And it smells!"

VIA Cover Awards

So, I guess it looks like a Smurf. Actually, it looks more like Kate Hudson after not getting her coochie tickled for a few days. Yeah, she turns blue. But anyway, I'm not going to barf all over The Smurfs movie just yet, because it does come from the brilliant mind who directed such memorable masterpieces as Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Big Momma's House. So how could he probably screw this one up (SPOILER ALERT: Easy)?

And based on that tagline, I'm guessing this movie follows Sneezy Smurf as he becomes the drug king of Smurf Village. I always knew those Smurfs were hooked on the bad shit in a major. And I always knew Smurfette was the inspiration for Elvira Hancock.

VIA Coming Soon

Here's your daily dose of Michael Jackson fanfiction courtesy of The Sun! They have it on good authority (aka the visions they saw after dropping acid while watching The Good Son) that Macaulay Culkin is Blanket Jackson's biological father. Even Claire Cruise has filed this under CRAAAAZY TALK.

A source said that 29-year-old Macaulay donated sperm which was used to create 7-year-old Blanket. The source went on to fart, "This isn't just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he's Blanket's father. So many names have been mentioned as prospective dads, and this is probably the wackiest yet. But Jackson and Culkin were best friends. He was one of the few people Jackson really trusted and Mack never let him down. Really, Jackson idolised him - that's why he asked Mack to donate sperm. Deep down, I think he always wished Mack was his son. Creating Blanket was the next best thing."

Macaulay, who is godfather to two of Michael's children, has yet to comment on death of Michael Jackson. And of course, he wouldn't comment on this mess. Maybe he used it to wipe his ass after a serious bowel movement, but he didn't issue any statements about it.

I should've seen the Macaulay rumors from a million miles away. Expect to see this headline in the next edition of Weekly World News: EXCLUSIVE! Linus van Pelt is Blanket's true biological father! Actually, I'd believe that one.

Even cartoon fruits gotta get their fuck on, but a man in England isn't happy that they are doing it out in public and on the front of a candy wrapper. Simon Simpkins is madder than fish grease over the porny images on the wrappers for Maoam candies.

The wrappers feature a pervy lime, who we'll call Jon Gosselime, humping on a whory lemon and popping a couple of cherries. Simon's explanation of the wrappers is pretty hilarious. Dude is so proper! Simon cleared his throat, raised his pinky and told Metro, "The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face. I demanded to see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park."

Um. Did she happen to sit on a vibrator that was lying in her backseat, because you know that's what she was doing in that car park! The only thing that was distressed was his wife's coochie, because she got the sexy itch down there after seeing those fruits going at it. Truth!

Haribo, who produces the candies, laughed off Simon's claims and said, "The jovial MAOAM man is very popular with fans, both young and old."

What is the big deal? It's just a lime (who looks more like a lima bean) munching on a cherry and squeezing the jizz out of a lemon. It's natural! Simon really needs to fuck a fruit and lighten up a bit.

This actually took longer than I expected, but here's one of the first "MICHAEL JACKSON IS STILL ALIVE" vidoes. KTLA posted this clip of "Michael Jackson" getting out of an L.A. Coroner's van. The person who uploaded the video to LiveLeak wrote this:

"This video shows that Michael was still alive after his dead body was transported to the Los Angeles Dept. of Coroner I checked the license plate number and it looks like the King of Pop is jumping out of the same van, his dead body has been in. I got the original video tape from a trustworthy source. I know him for years. And I am sure it´s real and Michael is alive."

It's obviously Michael. All the signs are there. I mean, he's wearing a white shirt and Michael wore white shirts...sometimes. He's also wearing black pants and I'm sure Michael wore black pants A LOT. I'm sure Michael was on his way to play a game of Chutes & Ladders with Elvis and Tupac.

But there's only one way to find out (you know where I'm going with this)! DETECTIVE LA TOYA, your job is not done! Pick up your magnifying glass and get to the bottom of this!

(Thanks Kristina)

The demonic warlords at American Idol can not stop the little pill popper who can! Paula always rises HIGH HIGH HIGH above (after nose dancing with a little Nitrous). We can resume playing the "Do a shot every time Paula does the Vicodin stutter" drinking game, because Paula Abdul will host Vh1's Divas Live on September 17th.

This is her first TV job since Idol left her career for dead in the gutter! Paul was in talks with ABC for a role on Ugly Betty and a judge spot on Dancing with the Has-Beens, but that didn't work out, because they refused to install an InstyMeds kiosk in her trailer. Rude!

After four years, Divas Live will return with a line-up which includes: Kelly Clarkson, Miley Cyrus, Adele, Leona Lewis and Jordin Sparks.

We're going to need Detective La Toya Jackson to bring her magnifying glass over here and tell us where the divas are. Because I don't see any in that list.

I mean, Miley Cyrus?! One of Queen Aretha Franklin's juicy chichi dingles is more of a diva than Miley. Was Noah Cyrus already booked at the Spearmint Rhino, because EVEN she is more of a diva than Miley. Hopefully, Paula Abdul's crackhead antics will save this show!

VIA MTV

Yes, that picture looks like Gerard Butler is sticking the tip in from the back. It has just become Jennifer Aniston's life screensaver. Moving on....

Is Maddox guest editing UsWeekly again, because they wrote up a post about how the loneliest living thing in the world will only date dudes with high Google rankings. If you haven't been on the cover of a tabloid in the past couple of weeks, Jenny isn't fucking with you and you'll never ever see her collection of Real Baby Dolls.

Some source close to Jenny said, "Jennifer won't date a normal guy. She goes after the hottest thing of the moment, what she knows will get her the most time in the spotlight."

Let's test this little accusation, shall we? In the past few years, Jenny has been linked to Gerry Butler, Bradley Cooper, John Mayer, Paul Sculfor and Vince Vaughn. Besides Paul, all of them are sort-of famous. But none of those dudes are really going to take Jennifer Aniston's fame to the next level. She has to date someone whose star shines brighter than hers.

That means she can only share candlelit dinners (at a popular restaurant so everyone can see) with the likes of: Spaghetti Cat or Keyboard Cat. Actually, I'm pretty sure Keyboard Cat doesn't date down, so Spaghetti Cat it is! Fuck Brangie! Hollywood's premiere IT couple is now SPAGANISTON!

And here's some pictures of one half of Spaganiston shooting with Gerry Butler in Queens, NY yesterday.

45-year-old David Cross is fucking 26-year-old Amber Tamblyn. Those are is his words. David wants the world to know that he's mining in Amber's love cave (copyright: Tracy) every night, so he added it to the bio for his newest book Drink for a Reason. David really wanted to make this bio something special, so he used a picture of Amber's daddy instead of a picture of himself. SUCIO bitches! Thanksgiving dinner at Amber's house is going to be super awkward or super kinky.

You can tell that the dog in the picture wants nothing to do with this fuckery. Doggy's looking for the exit!

And in case you needed some help while visualizing Tobias Fünke and Joan of Arcadia fucking, here's some pictures of them from last year.