I Don't Like Jokes
America has lost Hostess, the hillbilly wedding of the year is off and now there's a chance that Cops is leaving our TV screens after 25 seasons of entertaining us with trash. Oh, America, I don't know you anymore! The Wall Street Journal (via Gawker) did a profile on Cops for the show's 25th season and they just casually dropped the earth-shattering and life-changing news that will affect American culture FOREVER!
Though some TV watchers might be surprised to discover it's still on the air, the show begins a 25th season next month. It is the longest-running entertainment series on prime-time network television. Moreover, 850 episodes in, the series has earned about $400 million through reruns alone. But it's possible this will be its final season on Fox.
To make room for sports, the network slashed the number of episodes it ordered. "Cops" co-creator John Langley says the show's future on Fox is "uncertain and problematic."
There's nothing like lying on your couch on a Sunday afternoon and nursing your hangover by watching a fat police officer huff his lungs out while chasing a tweaker wearing jorts through somebody's backyard. Where else am I supposed to be reminded that some parts of present day Central Florida are still stuck in the early 90s. Seriously, even the new episodes of Cops look like they took place in 1991.
Well, at least we'll always this legendary moment of television:
Everything about this down to that Martin t-shirt is perfect. Your life isn't fully fulfilled until you've said the line, "I don't sell crack, I'm a prostitute" to a cop.
On the right is Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston at The 26th American Cinematheque Award Gala Honoring Ben Stiller in Beverly Hills last night, and on the left is the legendary TV couple whose look they copy and pasted. Jennifer Aniston should feel one with Brenda Walsh, because they both had their overrated man snatched away by a whore pit viper. How can Aniston do Brenda wrong by stealing one of her signature looks? Maybe Aniston thinks that if she wears Brenda's lucky prom dress, she'll get some. Sorry, Aniston, the only way you're gonna get some from the grown-up Eddie Munster is if you buy him a $100,000 Porsche. Oh wait, you already know that.
But more importantly, why are they sweating? Rich and famous people aren't supposed to sweat. Shouldn't they always have an invisible force field of air conditioning around them? Don't they Botox each one of their pores so this doesn't happen? I bet that's fake sweat, because they want every one to think that they had fast, dirty, breath-taking sex in the backseat of the car. Actually, they probably did bone in the car (see: Aniston buys Justin Theroux a $100,000 Porsche).
The first line on the first page of every cell phone manual reads: "If Robert De Niro calls your ass, you either call him the hell back or drown yourself and this phone in the Hudson River." Well, Jay-Z broke that rule several times. ILLEGAL!
According to Page Six, Jay-Z agreed to record a song for the Tribeca Film Festival and Robert De Niro called him up several times to discuss it. Jay-Z never called him back. So at Leonardo DiCaprio's birthday the other night, Robert De Niro wasn't going to act like everything is rainbow dicks and heart-shaped buttholes when Jay-Z strolled up to say hi. Some witness said that the entire party stopped to watch the Italian bull and the Brooklyn camel butt heads:
“Bob wasn’t in any mood to make polite conversation. He told Jay that if somebody calls you six times, you call them back. It doesn’t matter who you are, that is just rude. De Niro kept telling him that he thinks he’s the man, but that he was disrespectful. Beyoncé came over, but that didn’t calm Bob down. It was the talk of the party. Everyone was saying there’s only one star in New York bigger and badder than Jay-Z, and that’s Robert De Niro. He can be quite scary when he’s angry.”
It's a good thing Leonardo DiCaprio was too busy gorging himself on a Victoria's Secret Angel buffet to notice this fight, because it would've ruined his birthday.
The next time you see Jay-Z out in public, expect him to look like Michael Jackson, because when Robert De Niro shades you, you instantly come down with the worst case of Vitiligo ever. But really, who knew that Robert De Niro was so clingy. You'd think that after one unanswered call, he'd send Jay-Z a final message by putting one of Beyonce's wig heads in their bed.
The world was in danger of never hearing Elmo's high-pitched laugh again (which really wasn't a bad thing) when his puppeteer Kevin Clash was accused of pulling a Rob Lowe by getting it on with a 16-year-old boy eight years ago. Right before Sesame Street was about to make its debut on the National Sex Offender Registry, Kevin's accuser took it all back and said that he was legal when he humped on Elmo's voice. That was that until The Smoking Gun named names and showed faces.
TSG says that the dude who tried to smear Elmo's good name is 24-year-old wannabe model/actor type Sheldon Stephens of Pennsylvania. The holidays at the Stephens house is going to be real fun this year, because one of Sheldon's family members gave his ass up to TSG. The family member said that they don't know how Sheldon met Kevin, but he lived in NYC for a little bit and has always attracted "high-powered men." High-powered men?! Bitch, Kevin Clash is the voice of Elmo and he might have the power to tell you that today's episode is brought to you by the letter A, but that's about it. Bitch is acting like Sheldon got it on with the Director of the CIA or something.
Yesterday, TMZ hinted that Kevin's lawyer and Sheldon's lawyer spent the afternoon in settlement negotiations and that a stack of hush money was on the table, but TSG doesn't think this happened. Sheldon's law firm dumped him early yesterday and issued a statement saying that they don't represent him anymore.
Sheldon also has a short history of trying to grift a bitch. Since 2009, Sheldon has been arrested for trying to pass a bad check, reckless driving and robbing a music manager at knifepoint. Music manager Darian Pollard accused Sheldon of snatching a $250,000 diamond necklace from him. Sheldon faced two felony charges for that act of thievery, but the charges were never filed. When TSG asked Darian Pollard about it, he said it was all just a misunderstanding.
We probably won't ever know what really went down between Sheldon and Elmo's vocal cords, but we do know that his ass still got paid. TMZ probably paid Sheldon for his story and Kevin Clash might've paid him to go away. Now that Sheldon has a little money in his wallet, he should use some to buy a lifetime supply of NADS, because flashing pit stubble in your modeling pic is not a good look. Sheldon should also use some of that money to pay a tattoo artist to tattoo four stool legs under his right nipple. Because right now it looks like she's shitting out his nipple.
Just a little over a week after America voted Obama in for another four years, we now know the results to an even more important contest: Channing Tatum IS the Sexiest Man ALIVE! Surprise, surprise. I guess this is People's way of telling us that all the other white men died.
The big difference between last week's contest and this week's contest, besides this one being more important, of course, is that those dictators at People Magazine didn't even let us vote, really. They didn't even take our thoughts (or genitals) into consideration. Whoever's publicist offered up the biggest promise got the title. That title is bought! ("Um, so is the title of President, Michael" - my Republican auntie at Thanksgiving dinner as I try to suffocate myself on a canned cranberry log)
To me, Channing Tatum looks like a stale loaf of Wonder Bread, but he's a stale loaf of Wonder Bread who can really twerk his crust off to Pony, he's everywhere and he seems nice. Channing looks like a caveman, but he's the kind of caveman who'd wink at you before he clubs you over the skull and drags you off to his man cave. Channing tells People that he told his wife about his new title while the two pinched their dogs' anal glands in the tub:
"My first thought was, 'Y'all are messing with me,'" says Tatum, who married actress Jenna Dewan-Tatum in 2009. "I told Jenna after we'd been in the bathtub washing our dogs because they'd gotten skunked."
Says the actor: "She was like, 'What?'"
"Yeah, she calls me [the Sexiest Man Alive] now," he adds. And who can blame her?
The only way I'd completely agree with that cover is if Carrot Top was the star of it, but I still love what People did there. When I first saw it this morning, I read the words "The Women Inside The Petraeus Scandal" and then looked at that picture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. It was so right. I mean, the Biebs is a threat to security.
14-year-old Ariel Winter, who plays the daughter with the glasses on Modern Family, is now living with her older sister after she told the court her mother Chrystal Workman verbally, physically and emotionally abused her. Chrystal Workman denies abusing her daughter and she says her daughter only called CPS on her ass after she tried to put an end to Ariel's relationship with 18-year-old Cameron Palatas. Chrystal says she caught Ariel and Cameron in bed together and told her daughter she couldn't see him again, but when the illegal foolery continued, she filed statutory rape charges against him. I know, none of us know what to think about this mess, but thankfully we have the wise porn iguana that is Courtney Stodden to guide our thoughts for us. Radar went up to Courtney's advice booth and asked her what she thinks about 14-year-old Ariel dating an 18-year-old dude.
Courtney isn't a licensed therapist and has bleached iguana dingles for brains, but we should still listen to what she has to say because she's rill, rill wise like that. Courtney didn't know who Ariel was at first, so her keeper Doug Hutchison had to tell her and then she spat this up:
"I think it's awesome! As long as they're in love, it's okay. They should get married!"
I know that whenever I need relationship advice, I try to get it from an 18-year-old factory defected Frederick's of Hollywood mannequin who is possessed by the spirit of a lizard demon and calls her 51-year-old creepster husband "daddy." When Courtney Stodden says she approves of your relationship, that's your cue to un-friend your boyfriend on Facebook, erase all traces of him from your iPhone and pay a mind-erasing hypnotist thousands of dollars to scrub every memory of him from the crevices of your brain. Do take fashion, make-up and plastic surgery advice from Courtney, but don't take relationship advice from that mess. Go to bed, Courtney, and by bed, I mean JAIL!
And let's not ask Courtney what she thinks about Elmo getting it on with a 16-year-old. We've already been through enough today.
UPDATE: And here's Courtney, her pimp mom and her mutant foreskin of a husband at some event in Downtown L.A. last night. This is why you should always take fashion, make-up and plastic surgery advice from Courtney. The clear bra straps, the baby powder make-up, the melting face, the exquisite lucite heels and the not-at-all obvious tit padding... Why isn't this on the cover of Chernobyl Vogue?!
As maids platinum leaf the sideburns on anti-muppet super villain Mitt Romney and his assistants apply a fresh coat of liquified elephant ivory on his teeth, he is softly hahahahahahaha-ing to himself. Because his plan to destroy those government-mooching lazies at Sesame Street might've failed, but it doesn't really matter since Sesame Street is slowly imploding with no help from him. It's a sad day for everyone when there's a chance that when you go to the National Sex Offender Registry and type in "Sesame Street," Elmo's picture will pop up!
TMZ says that Elmo is mute today, because his voice, Kevin Nash, took a leave of absence from Sesame Street after a now 23-year-old accused him of partaking in statutory rape shit 7 years ago. The accuser claims that when Kevin Nash was 45 and he was 16, they regularly had sex together. The accuser went to Sesame Workshops this past June and said that Elmo tickled him wrong when he was 16. After his first meeting with the head bitches of Sesame Workshops, the accuser thought they were trying to shut his lips, so he hired the law firm of Andreozzi and Associates, the same firm that represented one of Jerry Sandusky's victims, to represent him. Sesame Workshop released this statement:
"In June of this year, Sesame Workshop received a communication from a young man who alleged that he had a relationship with Kevin Clash beginning when he was 16-years-old. This was a personal relationship, unrelated to the workplace. We took the allegation very seriously and took immediate action.
Kevin insists that these allegations are false and defamatory and he has taken actions to protect his reputation. We have granted him a leave of absence to do so.
Elmo is bigger than any one person and will continue to be an integral part of Sesame Street to engage, educate and inspire children around the world."
Sesame Workshop officials are still standing by Kevin Clash, because they say they asked the accuser to cough up some proof and he hasn't. The accuser did give Sesame Workshop an e-mail that Kevin Clash allegedly sent to him, and in the e-mail Kevin admits to screwing on him when he was just 16, but they think the e-mail is a work of fraud. Sesame Workshop did find out that Kevin Clash used his company e-mail account to write his accuser a few times, but apparently he doesn't mention anything about illegal sex stuff in his e-mails.
Kevin tells TMZ that he did have a sexual relationship with his accuser, but it was completely consensual and his accuser was of legal age at the time. Kevin says that he's sad that his accuser is trying to smear his G-rated image for whatever reason.
Well, isn't this just a scalding cup of FUCKED UP.
No, I don't know why the accuser didn't go directly to the police instead of going to Sesame Workshop, but I still have a feeling this isn't going to end well for Kevin Clash. We now all know that the fist that is always up Elmo has boned a teenager and probably made Elmo voices while doing so. I have a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll and now every time that creepy thing laughs, I'm going to think of Kevin making the same laugh as.... Oh, forget it. Let's not EVER go there. It's always too early for that.
And coming this holiday season: Sex-You-Up Elmo.
Ever since Lark Voorhies' mother made her daughter's mental condition public by telling People Magazine that she suffers from bi-polar disorder, Lisa Turtle has been out there trying to convince everyone that she doesn't have a mental illness while clearly looking like she has a mental illness. Lisa Turtle, who will forever be my favorite Turtle, went on Entertainment Tonight and lord, it's hard to watch. Don't watch it if you want to remember happier times in the Saved By the Bell world when Screech wasn't giving out Dirty Sanchezes and Lisa Turtle wasn't giving out sad interviews to robot reporters on Entertainment Tonight.
If Lisa Turtle said the line, "I am very positive girl who looks for real luv or a good friend," I'd really think she was reciting my spam e-mails word for word. I thought I was guilty of first degree comma abuse, but Lisa Turtle uses ALL the commas and more.
On her mom saying she has bi-polar disorder: I have no worries myself, nor do I exude, exhibit, or eh, possess with my living, uh, stratus, um any reason why someone should worry on my behalf. It's completely fictional.
On dealing with fame: It's much like fighting a, uh... I mean when you enlist in the army, you get yourself physically fit and mentally fit, and uh, informational. Wise, fit. So it's just the same, it's like, um, um, stage boot camp. You know? You put all the right elements together and you keep them going and you keep them going and you keep them going. And uh, round and round the world goes. We have to be entertainers, this is our particular angle.
I feel like that dude washing the windows is a metaphor for something.
Lisa Turtle could be bi-polar and she's not taking her meds, or she could be bi-polar and she is taking her meds but it's not working for her. Or maybe Lisa Turtle just has trouble with making sentences. Anybody who reads this blog knows that I can relate to that. I especially have trouble with making sentences when I'm put on the spot. One time during a job interview I said, "Thank you for timing the talk to take with me." I didn't get the job.
On a positive note, Lark's eyebrow situation is looking good.
Right after Lindsay Lohan forcibly butt fucked an 18-wheeler with her rented Porsche, she told the cops that she wasn't driving. Everything that comes out of LiLo's lie hole is the opposite of the truth, so nobody was surprised when witnesses said that she was the one driving and she switched places with her assistant right after the crash. TMZ says that since LiLo told lies to the police, the Santa Monica City Attorney will charge her with misdemeanor lie-telling.
TMZ's sources say that cops also found a bottle of prescribed meds in her purse and there were pills scattered all over her trunk. They were going to throw drug charges at her, but then her long-suffering attorney Shawn Holley handed the police a letter from LiLo's doctor. Yes, the "letter" was written in red lipstick on a stained Chateau Marmont cocktail napkin and was signed by "Dr. Anid Nahol," but under California State Law it still counts as an official doctor's note.
You've heard this all before, but this could screw with LiLo's probation and Judge Stephanie could throw in her a cell for a very long time for violating probation. But the chances of that happening are about as slim as me shitting out a 9 inch dick. (Actually, that could happen. I have been told by many doctors that my b-hole is like a sock-eating dryer.)
I live in California now, so don't I get a say as to how the state spends its money and time, because spending it on LiLo is a waste. Nothing's gonna happen to the bitch. Besides, LiLo is terrorizing NYC right now. Does California really want to lure her back? The monster is gone and we need to keep it that way. Close the gates and really keep her out by making all alcohol ILLEGAL. Yes, I'll be willing to make my own booze out of paint thinner and lemon-scented ammonia if it means I get to live in a Lohan-free zone. That's the price you have to pay.
Here's the darling of the California justice system leaving her NYC hotel with Ali Lohan last night. Now we know what it would look like if Angie Dickinson died, came back as a zombie and then fell into a vat of orange paint.
I know, Dover's bloomin' arse should wet fart on me for even asking that question.
For whatever reason, Nicole Kidman kept Halloween going by putting on a short, Dollar Tree version of the hot outfit Audrey Hepburn wore in the Royal Ascot scene in My Fair Lady. The Botoxed ice cube copy + pasted Audrey's look for Victoria Derby Day at the Flemington Racecourse in Melbourne today and told reporters that she's paying homage to My Fair Lady, "It's inspired by My Fair Lady. It's one of my favourite movies. We decided to do something that was fun and a bit different."
Nicole Kidman looks about as human as an Eliza Doolittle Barbie doll, but I'm going to keep the shade to a minimum. Because I'm actually surprised that Tommy Girl didn't completely ruin Nicole Kidman's ability to have fun and I can't believe the ice queen of Australia feels emotions. Unless, Nicole Kidman is just trying to trick us into thinking she can actually have fun. Yeah, I shouldn't trust a ho who doesn't have pores.