I Don't Like Jokes

Serena Williams will have to fork over $10,000 in fines for telling a line judge she wanted to "shove a tennis ball down her throat" at the US Open this past weekend. Serena wipes her taint with $10,000 in single bills every day, so she's not even going to miss the money. Especially since she was paid $350,000 in prize money for making it to the semi-finals.

Serena was also fined $500 for racket abuse. The hos in charge at the US Open also said that in addition to the fines, Serena may face additional peenalties (typo and it stays). If they really wanted to punish Serena's ass, they'd lock her in a Henny-less room with Kanye West.

If you ask me, I think they should be the ones paying Serena $10,000 for actually making tennis entertaining. Yes, watching floppy dicks bounce around in loose shorts gives me the tingles, but nothing beats an all-out cunt bitch meltdown.

If the Spearmint Rhino strip club ever plans to put on a slutty Ice Capades version of Barbarella, then they have found the perfect ensemble needed to realize their vision thanks to Lily Allen. Lily Allen wore something that looks like it was originally a homemade wind chime in a nail salon while performing at the Bestival in the Isle of Wight yesterday.

You know, I'm all for showing off those pectorals and whoring it up, but this is not the way to do it. I mean, bitch is wearing nail files as a skirt. If she had a pumice stone between her ass cheeks and a tube of cuticle cream up her cooze, she could give you a pedicure on the spot.

If you're thinking to yourself that Lily must be on the wrong stuff if she's dressing like this, you might be right. In an interview with GQ (via Daily Mail), Lily said, "I think as long as you're not being malicious and you're not hurting people then you should not be ashamed of what you do. I've taken drugs. I found them and find them fun and I don’t think I’m a bad person because of it. I know a lot of guys in bands who go to awards ceremonies and get into the same sort of states that I get myself into, and that's not negatively reported on. So it feels kind of unjust."

While I co-sign most of that statement, I will say that Lily should stop dressing while under the influence, because fuggery like this happens.

So all the tests have come back and a source says that South African runner Caster Semenya (Go ahead and laugh at the semen in her name AGAIN) has both lady and dude parts. Hey, it happens. Just look at Chyna.

Caster was forced to undergo gender tests by the International Association of Athletics Federations after she won the gold in the women's 800-meter last month in Berlin. Officials believed something in the milk wasn't clean about Caster, so they sent in the peen finders.

According to a source who saw the results, Caster doesn't have a womb or ovaries and has "internal testes" (that's nuts in her vag for those of you who don't speak medical-talk). Caster also has three times the testosterone of a regular woman. Fun fact: Brooke Hogan has a hundred times the testosterone of a bull in heat.

Caster has apparently been advised to undergo surgery, because she could face some fucked up health shit in the future.

The NYDN reports that officials are trying to decide whether or not they should take away Caster's gold medal. Caster's career in competitive racing is also up in the air. No official announcement or confirmation from the IAAF has been made.

It kind of sucks for Caster that the whole world knows about her private parts business. It reminds of when I was a kid and I went to JcPenney's with my mom. I was on my way to the bathroom when some saleslady stopped me and said, "Oh. What a cute little girl! Your curls are just so pretty!" My cunt gene wasn't fully developed then, so I just smiled and walked right into the men's room while hearing her say "Oh. Oops." That stupid bitch!

Caster, do what I didn't do back then and tell all of them to suck on your "internal testes," because you're keeping the medal!

No, not a mother to a carton of Marlboro Reds. A mother to an actual living, breathing human baby creature thing. We. Are. Doooooomed.

Radar says that Katherine Hagel and her husband Josh Kelley are thisclose to adopting a 10-month-old baby from Korea. A source says they have been going through the adoption process for around 6-months and plan to have everything sorted out by this week. The baby girl's name is Nayleigh and Katherine plans to call her Leigh.

This is the same Katherine Hagel who bitched about working 17-hour days on the Grey's Anatomy set. How in nicotine jizz hell is she going to deal with a baby who screams, poops and slobbers 24-hours a day? Oh yeah, nannies. And when they're not around, she'll just stick a ciggie in baby's mouth. LIKE THIS!

And if Katherine Hagel is actually planning to travel to Korea to pick up her baby friend, can someone please mix-up her plane tickets and send her to North Korea instead. Hagel + Kim Jong-il = BFFs

Ellen Pompeo might be the new Bridget Moynahan/Mary Louise-Parker. You see, Star Magazine says that while Ellen currently is baking one of those baby loafs in her womb oven, her 41-year-old husband Chris Ivery is out getting loose with a teenager. So while Ellen is in Lamaze class, Chris is also practicing his heavy breathing while his peen is poking a teenager's vagina. Okay.

Chris' alleged mistress, 19-year-old Rachel Artz, said she met him back in May at the Boston-area restaurant she works at. Rachel said, "Yes, I had sexual relations with Chris. We were intimate several times." Sexual relations? Who the hell does Rachel think she is? Bill Clinton? Drop the proper-talk and speak like a real slut. You all fucked! Let's be real with each other.

A few sources added that Chris and Rachel did illegal sexy times at different hotels in Boston as well as his house on Martha's Vineyard. One source said, "Chris promised Rachel that he'd make her a star — that's his lure. Chris often took calls from Ellen in front of Rachel and talked about their baby-to-be. He didn't seem to like Ellen much when he talked about her. He made her seem like a diva."

While I'm not saying I don't believe this mess, I will say that Rachel needs to come harder (not like that). I'm going to need pictures, videos, measurements, DNA samples, etc... etc...

Any ole' crazy slut can run down the street screaming, "I FUCKED ANDERSON COOPER" (Yeah, that was me), so Rachel is going to need to hand over a brightly-lit color picture of Chris' fully erect peen for us to believe her.

18-year-old South African runner Caster Semenya (Or Castration Semen to those of us with the humor of a 10-year-old. YAY!) won the women's 800-meter last month in Berlin and had to basically put her vagina under a microscope to prove that she was born a female. The committee had reason to believe that Caster might have a case of the Lady GaGas. Well, Caster has decided to drag it up on the cover of South African magazine You, but said she only did it to have a little fun. And if you say otherwise, Caster will choke your ass with her Hulk-like claws.

Caster told the magazine, “I didn’t do this to prove a point but rather to have fun. I don’t give a damn what people say about me. I like me the way I am and who cares what other people say?”

I'll give Caster a pat on the peen...I mean....back for that! Let Caster have a little drag fun. But she does look like a Wayans brother dressing up like a Williams sister dressing up like the Joker for an In Living Color skit. Not the best look.

And if You Magazine is in the business of giving feminine makeovers, they should tackle Khloe Kardashian and Brooke Hogan. Those two dudes need it more than Caster!

VIA The Mirror

The world already has the Twilight shower curtain, the Twilight lip chap and the Twilight dildo. So, naturally, we now have the Twilight corn maze. And you can thank Utah for that!

Utah has dedicated their largest corn maze to New Moon which comes out in November. The Deseret News reports that two giant mazes called "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" will open to the public on September 24th and close on October 31st.

Maybe Utah is trying to get all of Twitwards in one place, so that they can trap them in and keep them there FOREVER. Yeah, probably not.

And at least we know that we will never be attacked by aliens. Once they see this fuckery from space, they will know that we are perfectly capable of destroying ourselves without any help from them. They can just sit back, smoke a bowl and enjoy the show.

VIA ONTD

Sookeh and Beeehl aren't the only hos who are banging beach other after meeting on the True Blood set. Lainey Gossip says that Evan Rachel Wood and Alex Skarsgard have been fucking on each other for several weeks now. Do you hear that scraping sound? It's thousands of crazed fangbangers sharpening their shanks! Although, all they have to do is throw pie filling on Evan Rachel Wood and invite Marilyn Manson over for dessert. Bitch be gone!

Apparently, Evan and Alex have kept it on the down low by only hanging out together at non-famewhorey places in L.A. This past weekend, Evan flew to Shreveport, Louisiana to be with Alex. He's there shooting Straw Dogs with Kate Bosworth. Below is a picture of their asses walking down the street in New Orleans. Yeah, this isn't proof enough for me. If I was Evan, I'd be all over Alex's lingonberries all the time. Even in public. My legs would be wrapped around his shoulders and he'd have to carry my ass down the street like that. Evan's crotch area looks a little too calm.

If this shit is true, you know Evan Rachel Wood only went on True Blood to lick on Alex's piping hot Swedish meatball. I really have to stand up and applaud her ass for that. Bitch saw the goods and she got 'em. That is how it's done.

And I'm hoping that the next real-life True Blood romance will be between Eggs and Hoyt's mama je'e. Couple of the CENTURY!

Image VIA ONTD

During Brit Brit's "Mah Christmas Pussy Is Hanging Out" show in Greensboro, NC last night, she sang Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know." Yes, she sang it and did not lip-synch. I didn't even think it was possible for sound to come out of Brit Brit's mouth while she's on stage. Yes, she sounded like one of the Chipettes with nasal allergies and was dressed like Bret Michaels just told her that her tour ends here, but at least she actually "sang." Mind. Blown. If she starts dancing on stage instead of walking and waving, we should all prepare for THE END!

And who do you think she dedicated that song to? My guess is that she was singing it to Chester Cheetah, because you know he was bumping it with Betty Crocker on the side. Or maybe she was thinking of KFed and his first love: DONUTS. Just so you know, Brit, several slutty donuts have gone down on KFed in a theater. Sorries.

VIA ONTD

Whenever HoHan calls the casting directors at True Blood, they probably cackle until the connection goes out. So HoHan has been forced to audition on Twitter. Yes, it's come to this. HoHan, who has already admitted that she's a major True Blood fanwhore, posted these pictures of her as a vampire on her Twitter. Nice try, bitch. If the show was called True Cokeywhore, then she'd get the starring role, but unfortunately it's not. The only way I could appreciate her Hot Topic-approved vampire look is if we were at a goth rave and I had a pill up the butt.

And here's a few pictures of Jason Segel busting buttons (LITERALLY) while arriving at the Chateau Marmont last night. Apparently, that's HoHan in the backseat of the SUV with him. They were partying all night together. And that's how she's going to get on How I Met Your Mother. Do who you gotta do, HoHan!