I Don't Like Jokes

I'm joking. The teaser trailer for the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street didn't give me the zzzzzs, but it did make me laugh until I burped a couple of times. As much as I love Jackie Earle Haley (dude's performance in Little Children made me report him to Chris Hansen), I can't help but think, "You were in Bad News Bears! You don't scare me!" I was seriously waiting for one of the bitches in this trailer to tell Freddy Krueger, "KELLY LEAK, STOP! Coach Buttermaker isn't going to like this!"

And since Michael Bay produced this, does that mean he made Jackie Earle Haley wash his Ferrari for the role? Because if that happened, that's the shit I want to see!

Gird your loins, because I know this picture of Courtney Love snuggling up to Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is giving you the dry heaves in your crotch area. OW!

Courtney and Hugo instantly became one at a screening for Oliver Stone's new documentary in NYC last week. Court told the NYDN that she noticed Hugo giving her the sex eye from across the room. That's when Court made her move. Court queefed, "It was the third wink that sold me. He's a sexy dawg. He invited me to visit his country and I'd like to go. I'll rock Caracas!"

Yeah, I'm sure she'll rock Hugo's caracas (PASS THE EYE CLOROX). Courtney thinks that if she plays her pussy right she can be the new first lady of Venezuela. Actually, I take that back. Courtney probably doesn't even know who Hugo Chavez is. Courtney gets all her news from her hallucinations.

When Court was first introduced to Hugo, you know she screamed about how much she loved his coffee.

This is why we can't have nice things! This story of harebrained fuckery comes from the UK. Several hos who were driving along the street noticed that there was a gorilla running beside them. These dumb ass bitches called the police screaming about how there was an escaped gorilla on the loose. A gorilla in sneakers! When the cops arrived, they found that the "wild gorilla" was actually 45-year-old Rory Coleman in a gorilla costume. Rory had put on the costume for a charity marathon for The Gorilla Organization. This is some Trading Places shit!

The cops had a laugh and gave Rory several pounds as a donation. Rory told The Sun, "I told the police I'd come quietly as long as they gave me a banana."

This is why you don't drive right after dropping acid. If the drivers didn't call it in as a joke, then they really need a lobotomy. Give them a monkey's brain, because I can't even.....

Well, now Rory knows how Khloe Kardashian feels on a daily basis. You don't know how many times zookeepers have tried to lure her back to the zoo with bananas.

Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl (or more importantly, the hooker with a heart of gold from the original Melrose Place) was granted a temporary restraining order against her estranged husband, Daniel Giersch, because she claims he is effing up her life with his threats and overall craziness. This is just the latest lukewarm butt nugget in the filthy dirty custody battle between Kelly and Daniel.

According to the documents, Kelly says Daniel has been following her, her nanny and her mother. This caused the nanny to quit, because Daniel would constantly harass her and ask her questions about Kelly. Kelly claims that last week, when the nanny wouldn't give up any info, Daniel threatened to sue her ass. Kelly, who is a proud member of the La Leche League, also added that she can't make enough titty milk for her 3-month-old, because Daniel has caused her stress. Does Kelly have Salma Hayek's number in her rolodex, because she can squirt the leche under any condition! Bombs could be dropping around her, but that wouldn't stop Salma's "heal the world" chichis from feeding everyone.

The judge ordered that Daniel must stay at least 100 yards away from Kelly's life. The only time he's allowed near her home or car is when he's on a court-ordered visit with their kids Hermes & Helena.

Daniel's lawyer farted back at the claims and said Kelly is making it all up.

And I'm not Match.com or anything, but I think we need to set up a date (in a mental hospital) between Daniel and Anne "Celestia" Heche. That right there is a match made in straitjacket heaven.

VIA People

Last month, Gawker posted 4-minutes of a "naked and high tape" starring Eric Dane, his wife the Noxzema Girl and some former Miss Teen USA who might be a whore merchant. The tape barely showed any of McSteamy's McPeeny and it contained zero sex. Basically, we all submitted a request for a refund to Eric Dane for giving us all blue balls. Well, Eric and Rebecca have submitted their own documents in a Los Angeles County courtroom.

TMZ reports that they filed a $1 million lawsuit against Gawker for "maliciously distrubing" the tape. They also want Gawker to kill the video from their website.

Gawker's publisher Nick Denton had this to say about the lawsuit: "To quote the great Marty Singer -- Eric Dane's lawyer -- if you don't want a sex tape on the internet, 'don't make one!'"

You know, we should all file a class action lawsuit against Eric and Rebecca for "leaking" a sex tape without any damn sex in it! False advertising! Seriously, they could've licked a clit or flicked a peen. Instead, all they gave us was their nekkid asses hanging onto each other while giggling like sixth-graders who just got high for the first time. You could see the exact same thing in one of the Hogan's home movies.

No, this is not a picture of swine flu victim Marilyn Manson (see below) in his jammies. It's Nicolas Cage in a test shot for Superman back when Tim Burton was going to direct the remake.

This shit looks more like SuperDepressedTranny, because Nicolas couldn't look less excited about this mess. Or maybe he's trying to secretly push out a stubborn fart bubble while stoned out of his skull. And I'm sure that fart reeked less than Superman Returns.

Source VIA Buzzfeed

I don't have a picture of the child slappin' villain of this story, but he probably has the same kind of permanent "I HATE EVERYTHING" look on his face as this grouchy pepaw who whooped a kid at Wal-Mart, so this will work! Now on to the story.

Yet another grown ass adult is in trouble for bringing his hand down on the face of a stranger's child in public. And this dude tops them all, because he allegedly slapped an autistic child. The devil cackles!

76-year-old Frank Teverbaugh, a local hero and high school coach in Richland, WA, is due in court next week to answer to charges of misdemeanor assault after he allegedly swore and hit a 7-year-old autistic boy outside of the library. Apparently, the boy was in the middle of a major tantrum while he was being led out of the library by his caretaker. The boy's mother was right behind them when she says she witnessed Frank approach her son and shout "Shut the fuck up!" before backhanding him in the face.

The boy wasn't the one to eff with, so he hit Frank back. At that point, Frank hit the boy a second time giving him a bloody nose. The boy's mother finally ran up to Frank and told him her son was autistic. Frank replied, "I don't give a rat's ass!" and stormed off. The boy's mother tried to call the police, but was told to go down to the station file a report which she did. Later that day, a police officer visited Frank and he received an assault citation.

Frank claims that the boy hit him hard first and he responded by "only" hitting him in the "fanny." He said he never slapped the boy in the face. Frank went on to say, "I don't know why I did it. He hit me pretty good. I was surprised a boy that small would hit has hard as he could. That is the truth."

Do we need to start sending old grouchy people back to pre-school so that they can learn to keep their hands to themselves? DAMN. It's not hard! If a child hits you, call 911, have them arrested, testify at their trial and laugh as the judge sentences them to life in prison. Do not hit them back!

I mean, I've been slapped by a dozen kids (e-mail me for their addresses to send them thank you gifts) and I always respond by removing myself from the situation. This is exactly why bongs were invented. If a child whoops you, pick up a bong and you'll forget all about it in a quick second. I bet if the good shit was legalized fuckery like this wouldn't happen as often.

Source (Thanks Amy)

According to sources (aka all the Kardashian skanks), Khloe Kardashian is going to marry L.A. Lakers player Lamar Odom, who she has been dating for approximately 15-seconds. Sources confirm the news to People, E! and UsWeekly. The latter claims they will be married in about two weeks once they get the OK from the state of California that a human man and a beast can legally marry.

The source said, "Khloe and Lamar want to get married before Lamar has to go away for training, and the season starts up. They are hoping to pull together a wedding within the next two weeks so they can get married and have time for a honeymoon. They haven't decided where they will say 'I Do,' but they are scouting out numerous locations, including Khloe's family home in Calabasas, CA."

The marriage will be the first for both. Lamar currently has a 10-year-old daughter and a 7-year-old son with a former girlfriend. They also had a second son together who passed away from SIDS a few years ago.

Okay, Khloe and Lamar have been dating a little longer than 15-seconds. Apparently, they've been rubbing peens for a few weeks now. This worries me. Does this mean Khloe is currently housing a beast baby in her stomach?! NOOOO! It's the end of the world as we know it. Once Khloe pops out her BABY!!!, it will leap from her vag and wreak havoc on the entire world. Doomed.

And do we really need another knocked Kardashian yap-yap-yapping about everything from her pregnant queefs to the fact that doesn't even really know how babies are made.

Most of us sluts out there LIVE for an 8-inch piece of hard wood in our throats, but this isn't what any of us have in mind! EVER. 22-year-old Michelle Childers and her husband were driving through the Idaho wilderness when all of a sudden a tree branch came crashing through the window and landed in her neck. IN HER FUCKING NECK! That bitch ass tree branch rammed itself through her neck all the way to her shoulder.

Michelle had no idea that she was basically a human Christmas tree stand, until her husband started freaking out. A helicopter was brought into take Michelle to the hospital. Michelle thought she was going to spend her last moments alive with pine needles up her nostrils, but thankfully doctors were able to remove the branch after a six-hour surgery.

Michelle doesn't have insurance, so I suggest that she sue Mother Nature for this fuckery and then beat the syrup out of that tree.

I knew there was a good reason why my head is usually in the driver's lap during a "leisurely" drive through the woods.

And now after watching that video a few times, I'm going to go pass out far away from any kind of plant life. Seriously, you can't even trust trees nowadays.

Earlier this month, a Grinch-like pepaw was arrested after he slapped a crying two-year-old in the middle of Wal-Mart. That slap must have put something in the air, because it has happened again.

43-year-old Gloria Ballard was put in handcuffs on Tuesday afternoon, because she took a two-year-old boy over her knee and slappity slapped his nalgas three times in the middle of a Salvation Army in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Apparently, the boy said something to Gloria that annoyed her. My guess is that he asked her why she smelled like Amy Wino's spit cup, because Gloria has been arrested before for public intoxication and disorderly conduct. Yes, you know you're living the life when you're drunkenly spanking children in a Salvation Army.

In court yesterday, Gloria claimed that she never spanked the child. She said he was upset, so she was trying to comfort him by gently patting him on the back. HA! That's kind of a good excuse. The pepaw who slapped that kid in Wal-Mart should have used that one. He wasn't slapping that crying girl, he was just trying to comfort her by caressing her cheek. Sometimes old folks get stronger in their old age (I'm making that up). They don't know their own strength!

If found guilty, drunk ass Gloria could face up to six-months in jail and a $1,000 fine.

And if you have a two-year-old, you better give that kid a taser and dress 'em up in armor when you take them out in public. Slapping a stranger's child seems to be the thing.

VIA Associated Press