I Don't Like Jokes

Last night, everybody in Canada tied weights to their baby's feet and the only authority on kidnapping we care about, Antoine Dodson, started screaming out for Canadians to HIDE YO BABIES after a video of a Golden Eagle snatching up a tiny human in a park in Montreal spread everywhere. Freaked out bitches started asking, "Are the eagles our overlords now? Is PedoBear training eagles to do his dirty work? Why doesn't Mordor show up on Apple Maps, because I need to know how to get there if eagles are mistaking babies for Hobbits now? How do I know if eagles think my baby looks delicious?" Well, people in Montreal don't have to tie their babies to benches when they go to the park, because that video is most likely a lie.

Alex Hern of the NewStatesmen, Gawker and others have pointed out that when you enhance the video, you can see a few of the CGI fuck-ups. The eagle's shadow disappears for a second, its wing also disappears and when the eagle drops the baby, it looks like the baby is floating up instead of falling. Yes, that baby could be a wizard baby, but probably not. Bird expert Ken Kaufman also said on Facebook that Golden Eagles don't really hang out in Montreal:

Hello Everyone, There is a video making the rounds on YouTube and social media right now that seemingly shows a "Golden Eagle" swooping down to try and snatch a toddler. We want you to know that the video is a fake. This kind of publicity does so much damage to birds and we hope that if you see the video posted that you will inform people that it is not real. Here's what Kenn Kaufman had to say about the video:

"A golden eagle tries to snatch a baby in Montreal," and the video goes viral. But it's faked. Golden Eagle is a scarce visitor in the Montreal area, but the bird in the video is not a Golden Eagle, nor anything else that occurs in the wild in North America. This was clearly a setup: using a falconer's bird, and probably a fake toddler for the distant scene. With all the ignorance about nature that's out there already, the last thing we need is this kind of stupid garbage.

Others also say that if it was real, that baby would've gotten shanked the hell up by the eagle's talons.

I still want to believe. I still want to believe! Not because I want eagles to snatch up babies and raise them into eagle people. I want it to be real, because maybe we can reason with the Golden Eagles and ask them to stop snatching up babies and start snatching up Kardashians instead. They're going to need to work in teams of 100, though.

Here's the video proving that it's most likely fake:

On Amy Winehouse's death certificate, it says that her official cause of death is "death by misadventure," which sort of makes it sound like she died in a water raft accident with The Rescuers. But it means that there were no illegal drugs found in her system and she wasn't the victim of foul play. Amy Winehouse died of accidental alcohol poisoning....maybe. Over a year after her death, the coroner's inquest into the death of Amy Winehouse will be reheard.

The Camden New Journal says the reason is because Suzanne Greenway, the assistant deputy coroner who ran the inquiry into Amy's death, doesn't really have the qualifications needed to fill the position and all of us could probably beat her in a game of Operation. Suzanne apparently only got the job, because she was slurping on the right peen. She's married to Andrew Reid, a fellow coroner who gave her the position. They've both resigned.

Since Suzanne Greenway didn't have the experience needed to officially declare a cause of death, London officials are launching a new inquest to make sure nothing was missed. Amy Winehouse's family says that they have nothing to do with the new inquest. The new inquest will be heard on January 8, 2013.

Suzanne Greenway was totally wrong, obviously, and when the new inquest is finally heard, officials will correct Amy Winehouse's death certificate and state that her official cause of death is: BLAAAAAAAAAKE!

Because the Golden Globes had to recognize a mess of a movie where Zac Efron dances in the rain in his chonies and Matthew McConaughey (SPOILER ALERT) is the pass-around bottom bitch of choice for black dom tops in Florida, Nicole Kidman got a Best Supporting Actress nomination this morning. In The Paperboy, Nicole squatted over Zac Efron and had a hands-free coochie seizure while staring at a white trash-ified John Cusack, so they should just give her that GG right now. Her and her bladder earned it.

The Golden Globe nominations for all 534 categories were announced when the sun was still down early this morning and the biggest snub bitches are screaming about is the little girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild not getting nominated for Best Actress in a Drama. My guess is because she's 9-years-old and one of the GG rules is that all nominees must get at least ten shades of shit-faced drunk during the show, so that the producers can always cut to them making droopy-eyed drunk faces throughout the night. Since she can't legally sip on the sweet nectar, she's out!

The full list of nominees is after the jump. Judging by the Best Television Comedy nominations, the theme this year is WHA?, so why didn't they go all the way with that theme and nominate Lindsay Lohan for Liz & Dick. She could've been nominated in the Comedy and Drama categories since her performance had that many layers. The bitch was ROBBED! GO! 

File this under: Some "Coen Brothers movie for the Disney Channel" type shit.

Dana Martin (no relation to Donna Martin, I think), a convicted killer who is serving two life sentences for raping and murdering a 15-year-old girl in Vermont, wanted to keep terrorizing the country from behind bars, so he hooked up with two criminals and wanted them to keep his murder spree going. Dana Martin met fellow evil doer Mark Staake in a prison in New Mexico and together they planned several murders. Once Mark got out of prison, he and his nephew Tanner Ruane were supposed to murder two of Dana Martin's acquaintances in Vermont. They were supposed to strangle their victims with a paisley tie, because the paisley tie is Dana's signature. The crazy bitch is a regular fashionista. Once Mark and Tanner took out their first victims, they were supposed to travel to NYC and murder the Canadian baby Jesus known as Justin Bieber at his show at MSG in late November.

Dana got detailed in his instructions. He wanted Tanner and Mark to sneak backstage and strangle both Justin and his bodyguard with a paisley tie. Once they finished that, Tanner was supposed to cut both of their balls off. You can't castrate a castrati, but Tanner was going to try. KRQUE says Dana was going to pay Tanner and Mark $2,500 for each set of balls they cut off.

If this mess wasn't already weird, it gets weirder. Dana Martin is obsessed with Justin Bieber, obviously, and he has a tattoo of the Biebs' face on his leg. Early one morning while Dana was softly brushing the leg hair above his Bieber tattoo, he stared deep into the inky eyes of his Bieber tattoo and he suddenly realized that he could never hurt the pretty face of a singing unicorn fetus. So Dana Martin called the police and told them about his scheme. Dana Martin turned Mark and Tanner in. Mark was arrested in Vermont on outstanding warrants. They were able to arrest Tanner in New York after cops recorded a conversation between him and Dana Martin. Tanner told Dana Martin that he's sad he didn't get to murder anybody.

The Lesbeaver's manager tells UsWeekly that they take every precaution to make sure that their little money maker is always okay.

The authorities need to take this extremely seriously and laws should be put in place to make sure this never happens again. What I mean by that is anybody with a Justin Bieber tattoo needs to be thrown on death row before they start strangling people with paisley ties! But seriously, Dana Martin is in danger, girl. Dana Martin is a cold-blooded monster with the heart of Lucifer, but he's never screwed with the relentless Beliebers before. Once they get through with him, he'll be wishing he had a paisley tie to hang himself with. Don't screw with a Belieber who's got nothing but a whole lot of time in homeroom and a stack of lined paper to write crazy letter after crazy letter.

It's one thing to violate the laws of everything by spewing out the words "over the moon," but it's an even bigger crime when you stuff that overused phrase in the mouth of a woman who isn't even here to knee you in the asshole for putting those words in her mouth. Marie Sutton, an evil heart hurter who looks like this, claims to be a close friend of the late Princess Diana, but they obviously weren't that close if Marie is doing her like this. Marie tells Life & Style that if Princess Diana was alive today, the news that she's going to be a grandma would've made her throw herself over the great big crater in the universe. As the earth rolled from Princess Diana spinning in her grave, Marie said this:

"The pregnancy is just such marvelous news and Diana would be over the moon, absolutely. I think she would have loved Kate – everyone seems to love her, she’s very easy-going and has a beautiful family. I think Diana would have blended in very well with the Middletons.”

We as a people are supposed to evolve and part of evolving is keeping "over the moon" out of our mouths. But instead of doing that, we're now making people who literally can't say it, say it! We have got to do better. It's as if Marie hates Princess Diana. Wait a minute.... Are we sure Life & Style spoke to the actual Marie Sutton? I bet your ass it was Morrissey doing a Marie Sutton voice. Bitch pranked Life & Style. Is there anything he won't do to fuck with the royal family? Shameless.

Here's Prince William, whose head is sort of looking like a moon, meeting Cate Blanchett and the rest of the cast of The Hobbit at tonight's premiere in London.

Today is a sad day, because it's the day that I learned that CoCo and Ice-T's love isn't as rock solid as the silicone in her titty bags. Ice-T went to Twitter to pour out his feelings about some pictures of his beloved pearl CoCo kissing on some rapper. The SUPER DUPER MEGA WORLD EXCLUSIVE pictures from Media Take Out (via Necole Bitchie) show CoCo and Oakland rapper AP.9 posing like two high school seniors on prom night. Ice-T shook his head while tweeting (and deleting) this stream of woes:

Coco’s in Vegas. She has given me her explanation of the pics on the net from her first weeks out there with some dude. She said he knew someone in the crew from our show and would pop up where ever they would go. He also said he knew me.. I don’t know dude.

Regardless.. They would take Posed pics every time. Most of them disrespectful and in bad taste. She’s made me look.. And feel like sh-t.

I say this on Twitter because there’s no way to avoid the obvious misconduct of a married couple. That’s it. Any more questions ask @Cocosworld

Don’t get it twisted… I’m not happy about this sh-t.

Daily Game: Trust no one..

CoCo did respond and apologized for making Ice-T feel like Shit-T.

Woke up to people in a panic about some pics,please guys I'm happily married,sometimes fans & friends take silly pics.Its harmless. #RELAX

Ice is right,the pics I took with this man were in poor taste & I disrespected my husband however the pics were the only thing that happened

I feel so sad,the bottom line is I love Ice & I can understand why he's upset theres no excuse for my actions.I'm so sorry baby & to evryonea

You're probably thinking, "But for why are they airing out their dirty panties in public?!" Um, because Ice-T and CoCo are America's first couple and we deserve an explanation for this! And because they have a reality show to sell. Even if this is just a shameless stunt to promote said reality show, I'm still frowning. I'm frowning, because how can CoCo pose with a rapper wearing a Gucci monogram hat? Does she not have any standards? Strangely enough, when I pout and frown, my quivering lips kind of look like CoCo's camel toe when it's about to stampede.

The "I Don't Like Jokes" tag has never been more appropriate.

Two days ago, Australian radio hosts Mel and Michael put on their worst British accents to try to talk to Duchess Kate at the hospital she was staying in. They pretended to be Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles and they didn't think they would get through since they butchered the British accent more than Brit Brit has. But they did get through. A hospital receptionist immediately transferred them to the nurse taking care of Duchess Kate. And now that hospital receptionist is dead.

The Daily Mail said that her body was found this morning at an address really near King Edward VII Hospital where she worked. When the paramedics showed up to the address, she had already passed away and they couldn't revive her. Scotland Yard is treating her death as a suicide. And no, now is not the time for our MI6 jokes.

The hospital hasn't commented on this, but yesterday, a spokesperson for the hospital spoke out about the prank and called it "foolish" and said they were reviewing telephone protocol. Mel and Michael also released a statement yesterday saying they were sorry and didn't think their prank would go very far:

"We were very surprised that our call was put through. We thought we'd be hung up on as soon as they heard our terrible accents. We’re very sorry if we’ve caused any issues and we’re glad to hear that Kate is doing well."

Damn, and the hospital receptionist had a husband and two kids. One minute, she's falling for a dumb prank and the next minute she's committing suicide. That escalated quickly. Duchess Kate hasn't even been knocked up for five seconds and a life has already been lost. Sadness all around.

UPDATE: A spokesperson for King Edward VII Hospital said that the nurse who was found dead is Jacintha Saldanha. Answering the main line wasn't even part of Nurse Jacintha's duties. The receptionist needed to step away from the phones, so Nurse Jacintha was helping her out. In a statement, Prince William and Duchess Kate said their "thoughts and prayers are with Jacintha Saldanha’s family, friends and colleagues at this very sad time."

Last year, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's fashion line The Row put out a backpack that looked like a giant, pregnant roach and it cost $39,000. It sold out, because sometimes extremely rich bitches get bored with burning their money in copper fire pits, so they spend it on caca instead. Then this past summer, the Trollsens made an anti-PETA fur purse that sold for almost $17,000. A bargain! But now they're taking overpriced foolery all the way by selling this crocodile backpack covered in fake prescription pills. They want $55,000 for a backpack that looks like Neely O'Hara barfed all over it. If you want to spend $55,000 on Leatherhead's dead mom, then please spend an extra few dollars to fly to Los Angeles so I can slap the shit out of you. You can choose the airport I'll meet you at (Note: Please choose Burbank or Long Beach, because I don't want to deal with LAX traffic. Thank you.)

The Daily Mail says that artist Damien Hirst, the one who killed Jaws, collaborated with the Trollsens to make a bag that costs as much as a car. I like how they use the word "collaborated." Please, you know they were all sitting around a coffee table, doing lines and getting drunk when Mary-Kate dropped a bottle of Vicodin on a bag and they're all like, "FASHION! ART!"

Only twelve will be sold (because there's only twelve dumbasses in the world who will spend their money on this) and proceeds will go to UNICEF.

In all seriousness, if you really want this, let's just go to Wilson's Leather together, buy the cheapest backpack there and then Super Glue some pills on it. It'll probably look better than this shit. But why would you want pills on your backpack anyway? Do you know how many Lohans will be chasing after you, trying to nom nom nom on your bag? Do you really want to turn around and find Dina Lohan chewing on your pocketbook? That'll ruin your day.

It took Christian Slater 4 hours of waiting to vote on Election Day, but he voted in Miami. Christian gave himself a pat on the taint for being a responsible American and all that. But then a few weeks later, The Miami-Dade County canvassing board let a bitch know that masturbating with a banana peel for 4 hours would've been a better use of his time than standing in the voting line for 4 hours, because his vote didn't count. Christian's signature didn't match the signature they have on file, so they put an X over his votes. Yes, they did Christian Slater like that.

Christian tweeted a picture of the letter today. And here's the tweets about his Voting Day Drama on November 6th:

Every vote count...except for Christian Slater's. I know, I know, this is BREAKING NEWS and yet another nugget for our overflowing "Florida" file. But I brought it up, because I really feel that from now on we should refer to Christian Slater as "Christina D. Slater." It has a much better ring to it. Saying "Christina D. Slater" makes me lift my shoulders while winking.

Source: Buzzfeed via HuffPo

Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell's furry tit pies and even the original Underwood, Blair Underwood, would make more sense as Maria than Carrie Underwood, but Carrie Underwood's the one who got the starring role in NBC's live broadcast of The Sound of Music. Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, the dudes who produce Smash, and NBC announced this morning that American Idol season 4 winner and country star Carrie Underwears will be SANGING to the von Trapp chirruns on NBC next December. NBC's president said this in a statement to Playbill:

"Speaking for everyone at NBC, we couldn't be happier to have the gifted Carrie Underwood take up the mantle of the great Maria von Trapp. She was an iconic woman who will now be played by an iconic artist.”

First Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, then Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone and now this? What's next? Ruben Studdard as Aretha Franklin (I wish)? Hollywood is truly fucking with our emotions and they love it. But I'm still all for this casting and only because it probably pissed Taylor Swift off. Taylor just threw a mean mug at her cat and pushed away her plate of heart-shaped pancakes with heart-shaped strawberries on them. This is really going to drive Taylor into her Emo phase.

Hopefully, NBC country-fies all of their Sound of Music remake by casting Billy Ray Cyrus as Captain von Trapp, Dolly Parton as Mother Superior (I'm serious about that one), the Duggars as the von Trapp children and Kenny Chesney as Elsa.

Here's Carrie Underwears singing "The Sound of Music" a few years ago: