I Don't Like Jokes

After Anna Nicole Smith's sugar pepaw, J. Howard Marshall II, passed away, his son tried to keep millions of dollars out of her checking account. Anna and J. Howard's son, E. Pierce Marshall, went to battle for a big piece of his multi-million dollar fortune. But would Anna actually try to knock E. Pierce off so that she could have all the money to herself?! A gold digger's gotta do.....

According to newly released FBI documents, authorities had reason to believe that Anna Nicole was involved in a plot to murder E. Pierce Marshall.

The Associated Press says that they investigated the murder-for-hire-plot in 2000 and 2001. When the FBI confronted Anna, she immediately broke down in tears and denied being involved. One of the agents wrote, "Smith adamantly denied ever contemplating such a crime." As part of their investigation, they confiscated a Wesson revolver, a knife and a Dr. Seuss hat from Anna's home. The FBI didn't explain why they took that stuff. All three items were returned to Anna seven months later.

In 2001, the FBI decided there was not enough information to go ahead with the investigation, so they closed the case and determined that Anna was not a mastermind murderess after all.

E. Pierce Marhsall died 3 years ago from natural causes.

Anna Nicole could never hurt a flea on a fluffy white dog's ass, so I doubt she tried to kill her sponsor's son. Besides, if Anna wanted to murder someone, she wouldn't use a knife or a Dr. Seuss hat. She'd simply send them nekkid pictures of Bobby Trendy.

This past May, Archie made the right choice by proposing marriage to that rich hot bitch Veronica. It was an important moment in history for money grubbin' whores everywhere. Well, in the latest Archie comic book, he proposes to that boring ass prude Betty! No, this isn't going to turn into some Big Love shit. Apparently, Archie is just imagining what his life would be like if he married either Veronica (HOT and GLITTERY) or Betty (LIMP and MISSIONARY). In real comic book life, Archie hasn't decided who he is going to stick his cartoon peen in for the rest of his days. Archie will make a decision one day, and we know how this is going to play out.

Obviously, Archie will realize that his heart really belongs to Jughead:

They don't call him Jughead for nothing! Okay, that made no sense, but it sounded kind of sexy. For real, this is the way it was meant to be. Archie should put a shiny cock ring on Jughead while Veronica in a hot dress looks on.

VIA Buzzfeed

At yesterday's Chanel show in Paris, Jehovah's sexiest witness, Prince, strolled in wearing your grandma's Sunday church suit and carrying your pimp's weekday cane. BOW DOWN! Shortly after, RiRi strolled in wearing Prince's HAIR. Oh, how I would have loved to be a fly in Karl Lagerfeld's rice noodle ponytail so that I could witness Prince throwing shade at RiRi for taking his look! When doves cry, it's because Prince stared them down.

And where can I get an application to be Prince's hand-holder, because that is the job to have.

For some reason, Levi Johnston is in a commercial for pistachios with his bodyguard/manager/Palin-blocker Tank. When I think of nuts, I usually think of Cisco Adler or Courtney Love, but I guess Levi works? Tank better cover Levi's nuts at all times, because Sarah Palin is going to try to shoot them from her plane when she watches this shit.

And who needs protection while eating nuts anyway? The best part is when the peen slaps you in the eye! If you don't enjoy that shit, I guess you can use a tripod.

Mimi and her Hello Titty balls came out to support Precious at the New York Film Festival this past weekend, but one of the movie's stars Mo'Nique was nowhere to be found. Yes, they even checked the Arby's down the street. Bitch wasn't there.

Precious is currently making the film festival rounds, and many critics think the movie will get several Oscar nominations including Best Picture, Best Actress for Gabby Sidibe (the girl in the purple below) and Best Supporting Actress for Mo'Nique. You'd think that since there's talk of Mo'Nique possibly getting the golden Oscar dildo (you know that's what Kevin Spacey uses his for) for this, she'd be out there whorin' it up. But Mo'Nique has been missing from nearly every promotional event for Precious. Some say that by Mo'Nique not playing the game, she's ruining her Oscar chances.

The New York Daily News says that Mo'Nique is refusing to pimp out the movie and her own performance for free. Mo'Nique is reportedly demanding a $100,000 appearance fee, even though the likes of Mimi and Lenny Kravitz (who are both in that shit) haven't asked for a dime. A source said, "Mo'Nique said she signed on to do this film for a small amount of money. She said she didn't care about 'no Oscar' - all that mattered was 'those Benjamins!' Because Oprah and Tyler Perry are backing the film, she feels as though there should be a budget to pay for her promotional duties."

Mo'Nique responded to the claims by saying, "When people say, 'You care more about money than winning an Oscar,' well, what does an Oscar mean? An Oscar means more work when you win it, and that means more money! I couldn't eat that Oscar. Everybody needs money, baby. That's how we survive, right?"

Mo'Nique is selling her eating skills short! I'm sure she could eat that thing if she wrapped it in puff pastry and poured nacho cheese sauce on top! But seriously, I can't hate on a bitch who says "it's all about those Benjamins." Those are the truest words ever spoken. GIT THAT MONEY!

That being said, somebody should really tell Mo'Nique about a little service called Cash4Gold! Imagine what they'd give her for an Oscar (SPOILER ALERT: Probably two rolls of quarters and a $20 gift certificate to Fingerhut)?!

This shit right here really gives me a reason to grab a bottle of peach Schnapps and go back to bed. There's a hateful rumor flying around the internet that a sparkly vampire is in the running to play a piping hot stick of ginge. Why don't they just go all the way and pull out my heart by casting Katherine Hagel or CHERYL BURKE as Prince Hot Ginge? Make it quick.

Last Week, director Peter Kosminsky said he's currently working on a biopic of Prince Hot Ginge's life called The Spare. Peter is in the middle of naming the lucky bitch who will don the ginge to play Prince Harry and RPattz's name has been thrown in the ring. Rupert Grint, the ginge in the Harry Potter movies, has also been mentioned.

Okay, I can almost co-sign Rupert as Prince Harry, because at least he's been naturally blessed with the ginge, but RPATZZ?! Shit don't make sense. I don't think it's possible to dye RPattz's magical forest hair. The unicorns will never ever allow it and the glitter will always shine through. Even if they were able to douse his hair with ginge and wipe that constant "I Haz Fart" look on his face, he's still not the one to play Hot Ginge!

Peter is wasting time with the flavors of the month and he needs to look at the classic ginges of our time like ROJO CALIENTE. Rojo is definitely the one. Rojo is always the one.

VIA BuddyTV

Emma Watson, whose brain is currently taking classes at Brown, wanted to booze it up at a football game like any other college student, but some hos at Harvard just wouldn't let her get her buzz on in peace! They had to get in her LIFE!

Page Six reports that right before a game between Brown and Harvard, this blog post went up on The Harvard Voice's website:

We will be Live-Tweetin' the game and possibly stalking Emma Watson, so keep your eyes peeled for that, too!

When the game started, so did the Tweets! The Harvard Voice's Twitter page busted out gems like: "Let's go Hermione! Lolz" and "In enemy territory. Lookin for a certain witch." After they finally found Emma in the stadium, they posted a picture of her and declared their mission a success. When some hos complained about the liveblog, The Voice's editor said the whole thing was "blown out of proportion."

This is my question, where were these eagle-eyed stalkers at Harvard when I went to see Harry Potter in Equus last year? While I was straining my damn eyeballs trying to find Harry's peen in that dark ass theater, they could've used their skills to point that shit out to me right away. Seriously, they need to leave that Hermione girl alone and use their powers for good. Good like finding wizard dick in a dark theater.

When Brooke Shields was 10-years-old her mother stripped off her clothes, oiled her down, slapped some make-up on her and put her in a tub to pose for photographer Garry Gross (too easy). The photo was commissioned by Brook's mom who immediately signed the rights away. The photograph was later photographed by New York artist Richard Prince. Up until yesterday, the picture-of-the-picture (CONFUZING) been hanging in the Tate Modern in London, but after a visit from the police, Pedo Bear's favorite cell phone wallpaper has been removed from the museum. This was the first (and I"m guessing the last) time the photo has been exhibited in Britain.

The police are currently trying to figure out if the picture breaks child porn laws over there. Children's campaigners already piped in and said they felt the picture was a "magnet" for pedos. Hmm. That might explain why Gary Glitter temporarily moved into the Tate Modern's bathroom last week.

Gary Gross said he was disappointed that the British police considered it child porn. Mr. Gross told the Telegraph, "It certainly doesn't breach child pornography laws here because a judge said so. In order for it to be considered pornographic here, she would have to be doing something sensual or sexual. But she's not. She's just sitting in the bathtub."

The picture may not be hanging in the Tate Modern right now, but it is hanging all over the damn internet, so pedos can continue to gawk at there. Google it if you want a visit from Chris Hansen. He likes his iced tea with just a touch of hummingbird juice.

I'm guessing they yanked the portrait from Britain, because they are bringing it to the US as a way to lure Roman Polanski here. Dude is already on a plane. That was Detective La Toya's genius idea. Of course.

And no, not CAPS-LOCK rehab. The internet couldn't take it if Kanye West stopped dry humping on his CAPS-LOCK key. Nope. But some sources are telling Star Magazine that there's a chance Kanye could have a problem with the sweet nectar. Before Kanye ripped Taylor Swift's heart out of her chester at the VMAs, he had been getting intimate with a bottle of Henny all night. So of course, Henny took the fall for his verbal barf fest, and now Kanye might go off to rehab to try to erase his wrong.

MSNBC's The Scoop says that sources close to Kanye haven't heard about him checking into the tank right after he finishes his Fame Kills tour with Lady CaCa in a few months. Kanye's spokeswhore also wouldn't comment on this.

This is my question, is there such thing as solo rehab? Because the quickest way to get a drunk reaching for their poison is to put Kanye West in the same room as them. That will make you fuck your sobriety directly in the asshole. Seriously, they should add a 13th step: Keep away from all things Kanye-related!

Usually when you see a crazed Mel Gibson running around the streets with a fat beaver in his hand, you can assume that there's a dozen empty Jack Daniels bottles laying around nearby with his saliva all over their tips. But this time, Mel's fisting a rabid beaver for a movie! The movie is called The Beaver and Jodie Foster is directing it as well as co-starring in it. Yes, a movie about a beaver directed by Jodie Foster and starring Mel Gibson. This whole post is like a drunken amputee whore. It just gets easier and easier.

I'm sure that beaver came from Jodie's personal collection. And notice how angry that beaver looks. Can't blame it. If Sugar Tits had his finger up your beaver, it would be snarling too.

And don't blow all your Catholic beaver jokes on this post. Shooting just started, so I'm sure there will be a zillion more pictures of Mel Gibson chasing a rabid beaver. Save up!