I Don't Like Jokes

You might have already seen the ridiculous Ralph Lauren ad on the left which was Photoshopped by a cross-eyed chihuahua who has a bad case of ADD and a strange fascination with tree branches. After everyone cried "outrage" over the pic, Ralph Lauren issued some half-assed apology saying they take full responsibility...blah..blah...blah. The model in the picture, Filippa Hamilton, doesn't actually look like that in real life. Filippa's head is actually bigger than her hips. Nuts, I know.

At 5'10" and 120lbs, Filippa is pretty svelte, but she still isn't skinny enough for Ralph Lauren. On the Today show this morning, Filippa said Ralph Lauren sent her to the guillotine, because she didn't look like she might fall over if you a blew a kiss at her.

Filippa said, "They fired me because they said I was overweight and I couldn't fit in their clothes anymore. I'm very proud of what I look like, and I think a role model should look healthy."

Karl Lagerfeld just went into cardiac arrest from having an ass orgasm over this.

Ralph Lauren confirmed to the NYDN that they pink-slipped Filippa "as a result of her inability to meet the obligations under her contract with us."

Maybe this has something to do with the recession. Maybe the brains at Ralph Lauren think that since people can't buy food, we will all look like malnourished praying (for food) mantises. Not only that, why pay Filippa when they can pull some random kid off the street and give them a couple of Skittles to draw the next Ralph Lauren ad:

Joe Jackson's strong pimp hand is at it again! When Michael Jackson was alive, he went to great lengths (i.e. masks) to make sure his kids lives' be as private as possible. Well, the Jackson family is saying "FUCK THAT," because they have agreed to allow Michael's 3 kids to star in the new A&E reality show about the family which airs this December.

One source told UsWeekly that even though Janet and Katherine are on the show, not all the Jacksons are happy about this. Rebbie has refused to be a part of this fuckery, and she doesn't think MJ's kids should involved either. The source added, "Rebbie feels Michael would spin in his grave if he knew his kids would be on this show."

The show's executive producer told UsWeekly, "We have 23 cast members with the last name Jackson. They've done a great job opening up about losing a brother."

Joe Jackson had this to say: "PRIVACY DON'T PAY THE BILLS! BUY MY BLU-RAY DISCS!" (he didn't say that)

UPDATE: Katherine Jackson issued a statement to TMZ shooting this down. Katherine said Michael would never want his kids on TV and she will honor that. As long as she's their legal guardian, Michael's kids will never be on a TV show.

At the Hollywood Style Awards on Sunday, Pamela Anderson showed up with a 9-year-old girl who spent the entire night holding her train and tending to her needs. The girl's name is Adelaide Gault and she's the daughter of some famous make-up artist-type. According to Page Six, guests were shocked to see Pamela treat the little girl like a damn slave. Who does she think she is? Kathie Lee?!

One guest said, "She didn't even have her own seat and had to sit at Pamela's feet, where people nearly stepped on her to get to the stage. The girl looked uncomfortable and kept tugging on her dress to get her attention, but Pamela waved her away. And, after she presented David LaChapelle with an award onstage, she shouted 'daughter' in front of the whole auditorium, and slapped her leg like she was calling a puppy. The girl rushed up to grab her train."

Not only was the poor girl forced to pull Pamela's train (FREE CLINIC ALERT), but imagine having to stare into Pam's toxic abyss? The girl was probably left confused, because Pam's coochie coo kept smacking at her. It was trying to say, "HEEEEELP MEEEE!," but the open sores in its mouth made it hard for it to get the words out. That girl will never EVER be able to eat a gryo with extra yogurt sauce again.

On the other hand, I like Pam's way of thinking. Kids are so damn lazy these days. We need to put them to work. You're probably straining your wrists while sipping on that cup of coffee right now. Imagine having a child at your side who can hold that cup for you and bring it to your lips whenever you get thirstay. It would make life so much easier.

And you know that little girl used Pam's dress to escape from her 2nd floor bedroom window later on in the night.

(Image: Adriana M. Barraza / WENN.com)

Every Halloween, bitches of all ages and sizes stuff their asses into fishnets to walk the streets looking like they will suck every last dollar out of you. But why should humans be the only ones doing ho shit on October 31st? Let's drags our pets down the slut road too! Pimps up, dogs down!

Consumerist pointed my ass to a few sites selling "sexy dog Halloween costumes" and matching whore outfits for you too! You can dress your dog up as a "Sexy Alice in Wonderland Scarecrow" (whatever the dick that is) or as a "naughty French maid." Blame Paris Hilton.

I'm going to save my coins, because my dog already walks around like a big skankity skank skank. I mean, he struts the streets totally nekkid and that's about as whorey as you can get.

Here's a little tale that will tickle your tonsils and make your genitals pass out. Some source (*cough*Tommy's dildo cleaner*cough*) told OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that Stepford Katie is helping her alien master lose some chunk in his titties by giving sex to him any chance she gets. I tried picturing these two assholes rubbing on each other, but all I got was a 404 error. Katie does not have the hard drive needed to make Tommy's pussy pucker. Does not compute.

Just for farts and giggles, let's see what the source had to say about this shit: “Tom had been complaining about how hard it is to keep off the pounds, so Katie vowed to help him out. Katie read somewhere that you burn up 600 calories just by having sex three to four times a week. So she’s told Tom to think about how much they’d burn up if they put daily sex sessions on their schedule! Tom thinks the sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town just for the sake of his diet!”

The only way Katie can help Tommy lose 600 calories instantly is by thrusting her robovag and jiggling her bits at him. That will make Tommy vomit from every orifice. Cue Jack Nicholson shouting, "You can't handle the cooch!"

Here's a few pictures of Tommy butching it up on the set of Wichita in Boston yesterday. What Village People song do you think is playing in his head? I'm going to go with a medley of "Macho Man/Can't Stop The Music."

The Duggar family added another BABY!!! to their unstoppable child army last night. The oldest Duggar child, Joshua, and his wife, Ann, are now the parents of a brand new baby friend they named Mackynzie Renée Duggar. Mackynzie (pronounced: SAVE ME) is the first Duggar grandchild. Mackynzie's grandparents, Michelle and Jim Bob, are going to have their 19th baby this spring.

It's not really news that another Duggar popped out a baby. Humans comes shooting out of a Duggar cooch on a daily basis. This time next month, I'm sure the Duggars will announce that Mackynzie is knocked up with triplets. There's something in the Kool-Aid over there and they all keep drinking it!

When you get a cramp in your uterus, it's because one of the Duggars got knocked up again. Your uterus is weeping.

Anyway, the real news it that Joshua and Anna might going after the letter "M." As you might know, Michelle and Jim Bob always give their children "J" names. This means that Joshua and Anna could do the same thing with the letter "M." NOOOOO!

All of us with "M" names should file a class-action lawsuit against the Duggars. We must protect the letter from them. If that doesn't work, I guess I can officially change my name to my junior high school nickname: Dyke-el. Thanks to the Duggars, the bullies have won.

Source: MSNBC

Jack Black left a medical center in Beverly Hills wearing a solo moon wolf t-shirt. I ask you, where in the hell are the other two wolves?! Were those bitches sick? Do they have laryngitis? Maybe Jack was at the clinic, because he was checking in on two sick wolfies? Or maybe he's the one with the ills since he doesn't have the magic of the three wolves protecting him?

Jack can sort of pass for a Rubenesque wolf, but it's still not the same.

This clip of Roman Polanski getting Chris Hansen-ed on To Catch a Predator has probably already played in your dreams/nightmares last week, it's finally made it's way to YouTube. It's tardy for the party, but it's here. Dreams/Nightmares realized!

And this clip needs more iced tea...

VIA Movieline (Thanks Kevin)

After Anna Nicole Smith's sugar pepaw, J. Howard Marshall II, passed away, his son tried to keep millions of dollars out of her checking account. Anna and J. Howard's son, E. Pierce Marshall, went to battle for a big piece of his multi-million dollar fortune. But would Anna actually try to knock E. Pierce off so that she could have all the money to herself?! A gold digger's gotta do.....

According to newly released FBI documents, authorities had reason to believe that Anna Nicole was involved in a plot to murder E. Pierce Marshall.

The Associated Press says that they investigated the murder-for-hire-plot in 2000 and 2001. When the FBI confronted Anna, she immediately broke down in tears and denied being involved. One of the agents wrote, "Smith adamantly denied ever contemplating such a crime." As part of their investigation, they confiscated a Wesson revolver, a knife and a Dr. Seuss hat from Anna's home. The FBI didn't explain why they took that stuff. All three items were returned to Anna seven months later.

In 2001, the FBI decided there was not enough information to go ahead with the investigation, so they closed the case and determined that Anna was not a mastermind murderess after all.

E. Pierce Marhsall died 3 years ago from natural causes.

Anna Nicole could never hurt a flea on a fluffy white dog's ass, so I doubt she tried to kill her sponsor's son. Besides, if Anna wanted to murder someone, she wouldn't use a knife or a Dr. Seuss hat. She'd simply send them nekkid pictures of Bobby Trendy.

This past May, Archie made the right choice by proposing marriage to that rich hot bitch Veronica. It was an important moment in history for money grubbin' whores everywhere. Well, in the latest Archie comic book, he proposes to that boring ass prude Betty! No, this isn't going to turn into some Big Love shit. Apparently, Archie is just imagining what his life would be like if he married either Veronica (HOT and GLITTERY) or Betty (LIMP and MISSIONARY). In real comic book life, Archie hasn't decided who he is going to stick his cartoon peen in for the rest of his days. Archie will make a decision one day, and we know how this is going to play out.

Obviously, Archie will realize that his heart really belongs to Jughead:

They don't call him Jughead for nothing! Okay, that made no sense, but it sounded kind of sexy. For real, this is the way it was meant to be. Archie should put a shiny cock ring on Jughead while Veronica in a hot dress looks on.

VIA Buzzfeed