I Don't Like Jokes

I don't know what kind of mind-altering substances they're snorting, smoking, injecting or buttchugging at ESPN the Magazine, but they were definitely on something when they came up with this random mess of an idea. The first sign in knowing if an ESPN the Magazine editor is on the wrong shit is when they recreate famous album covers with athletes for their "music issue." We should test them for fuckery-enhancing drugs and I'm going to need Oprah to interview them in the suite of a Comfort Inn.

ESPN the Magazine is putting out a magazine issue, because once again DRUGS, and they got Ryan Lochte for Nirvana's Nevermind cover, Josh Freeman for Michael Jackson's Thriller cover, Allyson Felix for Beyonce's Dangerously In Love cover, Alex Morgan for Katy Perry's One of the Boys cover and Trent Richardson, LaMarr Woodley, and Marshawn Lynch for Run DMC's Ultimate Run DMC cover.

To promote the issue, ESPN gave USA Today some lines Ryan Lochte said during his shoot and now I know why my mom always warned me about the dangers of snorting massive amounts of chlorine through your nose.

-"Iconic Nirc-vana"

- "The cover is definitely global, brah."

- "If you look at the baby, he's definitely happy in the water. And that's what I am."

- "He's chasing after a dollar bill. So he's always on the grind."

- "Trying to perfect the perfect the shot in the water was kinda easy for me. Just because I spend about four hours a day, every day of my life, in the water."

- "Usually when I go swimming, I have goggles on. So when I didn't have my goggles on for this shoot my eyes were definitely burning."

- [Blinks five times in two seconds] "Am I blinking a lot, cause I feel like it."

- "Hopefully everyone's reaction when they see it, they'll be like, daang, look at that guy. I honestly think I nailed the shot."

I feel like I should be wearing an Affliction tank top and bumping to dubstep while holding a can of Monster when I read those priceless quotes. Whenever brilliant words of wisdom dribble out of Ryan Lochte's mouth, it feels like I just snorted an entire 32oz Icee. It's worse than brain freeze.

But that shit aside, it wasn't not funny that Ryan Lochte's Nevermind recreation is historically inaccurate and wrong! The baby didn't wear Speedos, so why is Ryan? Maybe Ryan is bigger than that baby and he didn't want the baby to feel bad about it. Yeah, that's probably not it.

Right after Beyonce used the Super Bowl to let us peons know through code that the Illuminati will soon take over and our souls will be trapped in her lace front forever (that's what that triangle sign was, right?), Team Beyonce (aka Basement Baby and a dusty DOS machine) released a ridiculous 60 second commercial for her world tour, which starts on April 15th (Happy American Tax Day!) in Belgrade and closes on August 3rd (Happy National Mustard Day!) at Barclays in Brooklyn.

In the commercial, Beyonce does the same morning ritual that Kanye West does every single day. Kanye's gays-in-waiting dress him in the finest royal regalia and silver leaf his anus before escorting him to an empty room where he just strikes cunt queen pose after cunt queen pose.

Why did Beyonce have to name her tour the "Mrs. Carter Show"? That name does things to me. It gets me excited, because it has me thinking that Lynda Carter has finally made dreams come true by putting together a show where she just spins on stage in her Wonder Woman costume for 90 minutes. How many people do you think are going to show up to Beyonce's show and demand their money back when Lynda Carter does not come on stage in her Wonder Woman costume? MILLIONS! And "The Mrs. Carter Show" also sounds like the name of a drag show starring Aaron Carter.

And here's who should be Beyonce's understudy on the Mrs. Carter Show World Tour:

Bitch lip-synchs better than Beyonce does.

via ONTD

Frank Ocean just ruined the party. Here I was ready to put on my cone party hat and throw the confetti as The Difficult Brown was dragged off to a jail cell in cuffs. But cancel the DJ, make your grandma a plate and roll up the dance floor, because the party has been canceled now that Frank Ocean is trying to be the bigger man by not pressing charges against Chris Brown. Boo you whore!

Right after Chris Brown and Frank Ocean got into a parking lot brawl, Frank was supposedly thinking about throwing charges at Fist Brown for punching him in the face. No charges will be thrown at Chris. Yesterday, Frank got all poetic when he said in a note on his site that he's going to forgive Chris Brown and move on without pressing charges, because he's a modern person and an artist and a sanity chooser.

AS A CHILD I THOUGHT IF SOMEONE JUMPED ME IT WOULD RESULT IN ME MURDERING OR MUTILATING A MAN. BUT AS A MAN I AM NOT A KILLER. I’M AN ARTIST AND A MODERN PERSON. I’LL CHOOSE SANITY. NO CRIMINAL CHARGES. NO CIVIL LAWSUIT. FORGIVENESS, ALBEIT DIFFICULT, IS WISDOM. PEACE, ALBEIT TRITE, IS WHAT I WANT IN MY SHORT LIFE. PEACE.

Meanwhile, Frank's producer Michael Uzowur wrote in a blog post on Formspring (via TMZ) that he thinks the whole thing was a set up. Frank showed up to the studio and found Chris Brown's Lamborghini parked in a space that was clearly marked with the name FRANK. When Chris Brown came out with his entourage, Frank told him to move his car. That's when a big dude in Chris' entourage fisted one of Frank's friends Chito in the face for no reason. As the big dude continued to bruise up Chito, Chris and Chris' friend pushed Frank into a glass candle display and tried to beat all the oceans out of his ass. Michael thinks that Chris planned it from the beginning.

Fighting over a parking spot and then breaking a glass candle display? Some fight! This mess sounds like a fight between your abuelita and my abuelita in front of a Hallmark store. (SPOILER ALERT: My abuelita wins by pulling your abuelita's dentures out.)

I don't know what's worse: Frank Ocean not kicking Chris Brown into a cell or Frank Ocean pressing the Kanye key on his laptop before typing the bad news to us. I can't look at you, Frank Ocean!

It looks like Pimp Mama Kris has renegotiated her kontract with her kreator Lucifer and will terrorize us for another year. Because Deadline says that after long negotiations (read: Illuminati rituals and sacrifices involving whatever is left of Bruce Jenner's soul), Fox announced today that Pimp Mama Kris' new talk show called Kris (or as most of us will call it when it comes across our screens while we're channel surfing, "HISS! HISS!") will start testing in certain markets, like NYC and L.A., this summer. This makes me miss the days of quality daytime television like The Richard Bey Show.

Fox's EVP of Development & Programming says that PMK's Fun Time Hour of Whoring will feature interviews with celebrities and segments on beauty and fashion. He went on to say this:

"Listen, I had to give Pimp Mama Kris her own show or she was going to feed my children to Khloe."

No, he said this instead:

“Whether offering real advice to her family or sharing personal moments with viewers, Kris is honest, compelling, entertaining, and unscripted – all excellent qualities for a daytime talk show host.

Wouldn’t be summer without at least one test, would it? In all seriousness, we go into this believing that if it works, the Kris Jenner program could really compliment what we’ve got going with Wendy, Bethenny, etc.”

"Kris is honest.... and unscripted?" Okay, yeah she totally threatened to feed his children to Khloe, because there's no way he'd be able to say that without choking on a stream of laughs coming up his throat.

So my guess is that PMK's talk show will open with her teaching viewers how to shoot and sell a porn starring your own daughter, then she'll interview Kanye West's asshole waxer and she'll close the show by modeling thongs next to Kendall and Kylie. SANTO DIOS! What have we done to deserve this?

And I know that PMK is a minion of Satan, but the mother and tattoo artist who held down and tattooed a baby are even more evil than her. As far as I know, I don't think PMK ever forcibly tattooed her kids (cut to Kendall showing off the letter K that PMK branded into her inner thigh).

Seen below looking like a cracked out troll making sweet love to the air, Charlie Sheen was on Letterman last night to promote the next 90 episodes of Anger Management (not joking) and while he was there he let the world know that he's going to be grandpapa soon. Apparently, Charlie has a 28-year-old daughter named Cassandra Estevez and she's knocked up with his first grandchild. I don't know whether to feel pity or jealousy toward the newborn baby who will get second hand high from inhaling Charlie's crack smoke breath.

Charlie told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) that he knows the world is going to be an even weirder place when he becomes a grandaddy:

"Me as a grandfather, Dave...I don't know. It's like the world's going to crack in half. It's fabulous. It's just not a title I'm ready to adopt."

All jokes aside, Charlie Sheen is going to be the greatest pepaw ever. On your 16th birthday, your grandpa probably gave you a recycled birthday card with two one dollar bills in it. On Charlie's grandkid's 16th birthday, he's going to give them a cashiers check for $100,000 and a gift card to the Bunny Ranch if he's a boy and a gift card for silicone titty sacks if she's a girl. When you spent the day with your grandparents, you probably spent it watching old Matlock episodes on Beta tape while eating a cold Hungry Man meal (or if you were me, you spent it watching telenovelas while trying to eat a leftover enchilada that fused with its Styrofoam container, because my abuelita left it in the microwave too long). When Charlie's grandkid spends the day with him, they will spend it playing chicken with porn stars in a pool full of vodka.

And I bet Charlie won't even be mad with his grandkid when they want to play with his dentures. Best grandpa ever!

While accepting the award for Best Singing While Ugly Crying in a Movie at the Critics' Choice Awards last night, Anne Hathaway (or as my mom calls her, "Anne Haddaway," which always makes me think of this) let a trick know that she's not happy that they spelled her name wrong. In the nominees video package that played before Eddie Redmayne announced that she won, Anne's name was spelled as "Ann." Ann grabbed the trophy and set a bitch right:

"This is a bittersweet moment for me because I have this award, but you spelled my name wrong. It is with an "e." It's probably in bad taste for me to point that out here, but um... I'm sorry I don't mean to be gauche."

You might think that AnnE was just joking, but AnnE wasn't joking. As soon as she left the Critics' Choice Awards, she found herself a voodoo witch to cast a black magic spell on the not-knowing dumb whore who screwed her name up. They will never forget the "e" ever again. Every time they sit on the toilet to do a #2, they're going to shit out e-shaped poops. Every time they spit, they're going to spit up e-shaped saliva drops. Every time they pour Cheerios into their cereal bowl, they're going to pour out e-shaped CheeriEs. Every time they turn on the TV, the only channel that will come up will be E! Every time their weed man shows up for a delivery, he'll open up his bag and say, "Sorry, the only thing I've got right now is E." They'll never escape the "e."

And on a different note, I finally saw Les Misercryingandsinging. The little boy who played Gavroche should be getting all of the awards instead of Ann "Don't Forget The E, Bitch" Hathaway. He did the best impersonation of Kingston Rossdale I've ever seen.

Here's the official royal portrait of the Duchess of Cambridge by artist Paul Emsley and it was supposed to hang inside the National Portrait Gallery in London, but since it looks like she's slurping up your soul, they're going to hang it inside the Haunted Mansion Ride at Disneyland instead.

Looking like Jacqueline Smith circa 1982, a knocked up Kate Middleton showed up for the unveiling of her official portrait at the National Portrait Gallery this morning and after she swallowed ten loads of barf, she put on a manufactured smile and said that it was "brilliant." Yes, brilliantly haggard. Kate might've pretended like she was into that beat, jank mess of a portrait, but the critics aren't pretending like they love it. They are dragging it. They've called it "rotten" and "dour." "Rotten" and "dour" is proper British talk for "fuckinguglyasfuck" and "raggedy piece of crap."

Duchess Kate told Paul that she wanted to look natural and he tried to capture her "sparkling green eyes" and "charm." Well, Paul, you tried, but there's nothing charming or sparkling about this wreck. He made Kate look like a 70-year-old evil stepmother who is about to lock you in the attic, because the Prince is coming to look for the owner of the glass slipper and she knows your foot will fit it.

Kate sat for Paul before she got pregnant, but they could've fooled me. By the way her lips are pursing, it looks like she's desperately trying to stop herself from vomming up half of her insides. It's like she just licked some dirty ass.

You know what, though? It can totally be fixed and there's no need to send Paul to the square to be flogged publicly. Cecilia Gimenez, work your magic, girl! via @m4tt

Just stamp an Olan Mills logo on it and it's a masterpiece! And when the Daily Mail asked Morrissey for a comment on the first official portrait, he said, "Loves it!"

At The New York City Film Circle Awards, Steven Soderbergh told Vanity Fair (via HuffPo) about the Magic Mike extra who obviously didn't get the memo that finger fucking anybody in the culito without permission is not appropriate ever ("Says who?" - John Travolta). Steven says that while filming a scene (I'm guessing this scene), one extra got a little McConaughey butt syrup on her nail when she tried to give him an impromptu prostate exam.

"While we were shooting Matthew's script sequence, one very impassioned woman extra pulled his G-string off and tried to stick her finger up his butt. And when I remembered that, I thought, You know, where I come from, you stand up for a guy who brings that kind of game to your movie."

Where in the hell does Steven Soderbergh come from? Finger Fuck Town? Can I get the exact GPS coordinates, please. It's for research!

When Vanity Fair asked the Texas T-Rex about getting anally molested, he sort of laughed it off and said that he didn't think she was trying to poke through his skin blossom:

"I don't think she was trying to stick her finger up my butt. She was trying to put it somewhere, though, and you got it on film. It worked out."

If you read me that quote and didn't tell me it came from the Texas T-Rex's mouth and told me that Grant Bowler said it about Lindsay Lohan during the filming of Liz & Dick, I'd totally believe you.

Kanye Kardashian (née West) played a little game of "One Of These Things Is Not The Other" when he tweeted this "FAM" (real-talk translation: "VOM") picture yesterday of him, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Kum Kuntrashian. It's like the Illuminati's version of Mount Rushmore. Speaking of dark-sided acts of evil, to create this FAM portrait of grossness, Kanye had to use the crop tool to crop out one of Beyonce's actual family members. Here's the original picture:

Yes, bitch used Photoshop to erase Basement Baby's existence. Poor Basement Baby. When BB's weak from only eating a diet of moth balls and insulation foam, and has finally reached the top basement stair after using all of her strength to crawl up there, the only person she had to worry about opening the door to push her back down was Beyonce. But now Basement Baby has to worry about Kanye West kicking her back down too. Fuck Kanye for cropping the wrong trick out. Kanye should've kropped that skank Kim out instead. I mean, Kim has a place at the adult table and Solange still has to sit at the children's table? This is colder than the time Tina Knowles had to wrap up one of Beyonce's old wigs because she forgot to get BB a present for Christmas.

And speaking of grossness, TMZ has pictures of the $11 million house that Kanye and Kim bought in Bel Air. They're spending even more millions on turning the 10,000 square foot house into a 14,000 square foot Italian-style villa. The extra 4,000 feet is to house Kim's ass and both of their egos.

via Gawker

It was just a few New Year's Eves ago when Taylor Swift was kissing her stuffed animal collection after a tea party rager in her life-size replica of Barbie's Victorian dream house and now here she is kissing an actual boy in the middle of Times Square. Nellie Oleson's long-lost slutty older sister dressed up like Bobby Trendy at a leather party to perform on Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve and afterwards she took her latest victim Harry Styles to the middle of Times Square and sucked on his face. All those times Taylor practiced kissing stuff with her own hand finally paid off!

But as Taylor sucked on Harry so hard that his bulging eyeballs nearly shot into the middle of his head, thousands of One Direction fans used the plastic spatula from their gender-neutral Easy Bake Ovens to try to cut their hurt feelings out of their bodies. The video of that man-trap whore in Holly Hobbie's body kissing on Harry Styles cut open the hearts of a thousand 1D shippers and they poured their blood all over Twitter and Tumblr. I spent a good chunk of last night reading all of the crazed Tumblr posts about this shit. I don't know what's more pathetic. Crazy girls threatening to cut themselves over Taylor kissing their curly-haired British prince or me, a grown adult (I haven't had a skid mark in my chonies for at least 24 hours, so that means I am TOTALLY a grown adult, thankyouverymuch), reading their insane rants while slurping on coconut ice cream soup. The latter is definitely more pathetic. I don't even know why I asked. Here's just some of the insanity those crazies spewed out on Tumblr:

Dear Taylor,
I heard you’ve shared a kiss with Harry Styles and dating him as well. Well, congratulations. You just achieved what could probably be the most incredible thing every Harry girl dreamt of her whole life. You stole his heart and he stole yours, don’t waste it. Imagine how many Harry girls would want to be in your position right now. He’d rather spend time with you than tweet us. Please don’t break his heart and have inspiration to write another song. I’ve always looked up to you growing up, but after finding out what most of your songs were about, it broke me and now Harry is your new boyfriend, please don’t treat him in a song of trash like the rest. Not only will it hurt me, it will hurt Harry girls because I am one. On the day you plan to break up, put in mind how many directioners will be broken just seeing one of the people they look up to is hurt. If you both decide to be forever, I’ll respect it. If you both get married, I’ll be there to spread a smile. If you get pregnant and have his child, I’ll learn to love him/her if that’s what Harry and you want. I’m speaking for all those directioners who’ve learned to love and respect the most bittersweet of things like this. My final words: love is fragile. Be careful not to break his heart because it will break me too.

Just watched the kiss video and omg I’m sobbing right now they kissed forever and then hugged forever and kept going back to hugging and he was rubbing her back and I’m pretty sure he said “it’s alright” because I think a fan shouted something mean and oh my god tears no I hate haylor no make it stop he actually likes her HE ACTUALLY LIKES HER

I just saw the video of the Haylor kiss on New Years and I actually broke down into tears.

taylor swift was wearing harry’s jacket bye im gonna go jump off a cliff

but but…can you imagine Louis waking up from his party last night and seeing that haylor kissing picture and he slowly slides down the wall and when he gets to the floor he curls up because not only is he losing his best friend he’s lost his love…and im lighting myself on fire

If you replaced "Taylor" with "Kelly Taylor," "Harry" with "Dylan" and "Haylor" with "Dylly," that's pretty much what the rants I scribbled on lined paper looked like after that slut Kelly stole Dylan from Brenda.

But seriously, I really feel for those broken-hearted One Directioners, but I feel even more for the security guards and New York City policemen who had to stand in a sea of iPhones taking pictures of Taylor kissing her next #1 single. They did not graduate from the police academy for this shit.