I Don't Like Jokes

The Empress of Lucite is currently basking in the glory of her soon-to-be-released masterpiece sex tape, and look who has crawled out from under her trough to try to snatch away Shauna's spotlight. Shauna's ex-stepdaughter Shayne Lamas, who is currently whoring out her own reality show, felt the need to blast The Empress of Lucite in a statement to TMZ. Basically, Shayne pulled down her bloomers, squatted, and then shit all over a delicate rose. This is a crime against nature. Plug your nose, stroke your lucite and read what Shayne had to say:

"It's no shock that Shauna basically gave her seal of approval on the tape. She will probably try to get producing and directing credit as well. I hear it's pretty hardcore and she does all her own stunts too!

There has never really been much of a difference between Shauna and a blowup doll... Cheap, mostly plastic and a head full of air. She is pure trash."

Normally, being called "pure trash" is the highest of compliments, but I have a feeling Shayne didn't mean it that way. Shayne better watch her tongue, because fucking with Shauna is like fucking with GOD himself! One day, Shayne will wake up with her tongue attached to her asshole. And without a tongue she won't be able to eat deep-fried Twinkies or nibble on hard peen.

And just for record-keeping purposes, here's what Shayne's stunning mother looks like:

Shayne's cunty comments are funny since her mom Michele looks like a Shrinky Dink version of Shauna dipped in formaldehyde. Every scientist will confirm that Michele is definitely 100% potent trash. And that's a compliment.

I know some of you out there have scratches on your peen from getting down with a pair of fake vampire teeth while thinking of Viking Eric from True Blood! You know who are you (Tommy Girl). Well, you can put those vampire teeth away, because here's something you can safely wrap around your wang. It's the Count Cockula, and the only thing it will hurt is your dignity!

For those of you who prefer your beejes without teeth, let the description really sell it to you:

Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead. Packing the same punch as the original Fleshjacks but housed in a compact soda can and featuring the exclusive Vampire Fang inner canal texture not found on any other Fleshjack product.

And if you're really feeling kinky/lonely, you can use the Count Cockula with the Twidildo! It will be like having a threesome with RPattz and Vampire Beeehl. You won't need lube since your tears of self-pity will get the Count Cockula nice and wet!

With all that being said, I'd hit it. I'm joking (no, I'm not).

(Thanks Thomas)

Amy Wino might have knocked the crack devil off her shoulder, but she still can't control the itch in her snatch for Blaaaaake's rash-covered tongue. The Sun reports that even though Wino and Blaaaake killed their marriage last September, they have continued to talk through their Facebook accounts and may be back together.

Wino must have been playing with her Facebook zombie when it reminded her of how much she misses peeling Blaaaake's skin off under a full moon.

Blaaaake and Wino both changed their status to "married," and friends (aka their dealers and pipe holders) have started to congratulate them. Blaaaaaake even wrote this precious post about their reunion, "Can't argue with true love. What's the point?" Although, he could've been talking about the 8-ball sitting on his kitchen counter, and not about Wino.

I know a bunch of tweens would disagree with me, but getting married on Facebook isn't exactly legal, so there's nothing to worry about here. I doubt Wino and Blaaaaake are rubbing scabs in real-life. Wino is just having a little cyber fun.

That being said, don't even try to tell me that my Second Life wedding to Mah Boo Anderson Cooper was not the real thing. Just ask Second Life Rojo Caliente. She officiated the beautiful affair! And Second Life Rojo could never tell a lie.

Image: Bauer Griffin

THAT PICTURE. I truly believe that Jon Grosselin and that poop van were both only put on this plane to take that picture together. That is their only poopose in life. They can shut it down now. Because we all know Jon's purpose in life is not to star in reality shows. CBS obviously didn't get that memo, because they are about to begin talks with Jon to join the cast of the next Amazing Race or Survivor. It seems CBS has a douche quota to meet too.

Some source (aka Hailey's weekend dealer) told Radar, "Jon is planning to fly to Los Angeles in late November for a meeting about appearing on one of the shows. Nothing is a done deal yet. This is in the very early stages."

And you know the evil warlords at CBS would really try to destroy us by pairing Jon up with Michael Lohan. Hopefully, CBS has Jon in mind for Survivor: Chernobyl or The Amazing Race....Right Off The Face Of The Earth.

I'm kind of surprised that Jon would actually consider going on Survivor. Dude was already banished from one tribe (aka his own family), and now he wants to get banished from another? Glutton for punishment.

Well, what do we have here? Randy Jackson (not the "Yo dawg" dude from American Idol) seems to think that he has Detective La Toya's skills for uncovering the truth and discovering the answer to life's great mysteries. Ugh. I expected Jermaine to try to steal La Toya's shine, but not Randy!

According to TMZ, Randy says that something in the milk ain't clean about Michael Jackson's will. Michael signed it on July 7, 2002 in Los Angeles, but Randy says this is impossible since his brother was all the way in NYC at the time. The lawyer for Michael's estate, Howard Weitzman, says that the witnesses were with Michael Jackson when he signed his will, but he would not say if all of them were in NYC or L.A. at the time.

Of course, Rev. Al Sharpton has piped in to confirm that Michael was with him in NYC on the 7th. The two of them attended a protest against Tommy Mottola who was under fire for allegedly discriminating against Black artists. Rev. Al says he will plans to speak to the family about this.

While I think it's endearing that Randy wants to play detective, he needs to put the toy magnifying glass away, and let the professional do her job! Unless, Randy is afraid that La Toya will discover the real truth, which is that he's just mad he's nowhere in the will. Yeah, more than likely.

Anyway, here's La Toya on her night off from crime-solving leaving a lavish dinner at Chili's. Okay, she was really leaving some Thai restaurant and she was wearing a gown from Windsor's, because she was at Dancing with the Has-Beens before.

Bronson Pinchot (aka Balki from Perfect Strangers) must have been sipping on the finest wine cooler and toking on some serious shit during his interview with The Onion's A.V. Club, because he was feeling mighty comfortable. There was no leash on Bronson's mouth.

You just want to curl up besides him with your bong, and let him whisper about how Bette Midler was such a cunt to her director or how Mischa Barton explodes into a typhoon of tears when you make fun of her ass. Good shit. But the best part of the interview is the picture Bronson paints of the maniacal gay troll known as Tommy Girl.

Bronson worked with Tommy on Risky Business, and said that not only was he as boring as a broken vibrator, but he also made awkward and random homophobic comments all the time. Hmm...I wonder why.

Bronson said, "We thought Tom [Cruise] was the biggest bore on the face of the Earth. He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, 'You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?' I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, 'It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.' Very, very strange. Years and years later when people started to torment him with that, I used to think 'God, that’s really fitting, because he tormented a lot of people as a 20-year-old.' He made such a big deal about it. Same thing with Eddie Murphy—I remember somebody calling and saying, 'You’ll never guess who was just caught with a transvestite!' [Laughs.] And I remember thinking that seemed fitting, because there are certain people in showbiz who make it an agenda, every third sentence has to have something knocking that life choice, and you think, 'What are you doing?'"

GOLD COVERED GOLD! "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?" is the funniest thing that has ever come out of Tommy Girl's mouth! Homealien could headline the Queens of Comedy if he continued to say shit like that. But I'm sure Tommy Girl no longer makes such comments since the aliens cured him of his asshole's thirst for hard dick. Right.

And who does Bronson think is the most unpleasant human being on earth? No, it's not Tommy. Bronson said that working with Denzel Washington on Courage Under Fire was complete torture, "He’s one of the most unpleasant human beings I’ve ever met in my life, but he’s this mega-superstar. He was really abusive to me and everybody on that movie, and his official explanation was that his character didn’t like me, but it was a dreadful experience. I spent my salary on time with my shrink just for helping me get through it, and what that led to was the very next big movie that I did. I should have said to the producers, 'You get that guy in line, or I’m out of here.' Life’s too short."

Read the rest of the interview at The A.V. Club. Bronson should really put these stories into song and take this shit to Broadway.

Just a quick minute ago, there were rumors that Alexander Skarsgard and his True Blood co-star Evan Rachel Wood were dating on the down low. Well, Askars loves to spread the hotness, because now Radar is saying that he might be getting loose with another co-star, Kate Bosworth.

Kate and Askars, who just finished shooting a movie together in Louisiana, were acting all couple-like at the Spike TV Scream Awards in Los Angeles this past Saturday night. After Kate presented Askars with the Best Villain award, they "canoodled" backstage. Some witness said they were whispering in each other's ears while holding hands.

Spokeswhore for both of them say they are just fweeeeeeendz.

Askars knows he's the peen of the moment, so he's just having a little fuck time fun. That's all this is. If he isn't serving Evan Rachel Wood a plate of his Swedish meatballs, then he's letting Kate Bosworth lick on his homemade Blodkorv. Although, I'm a little concerned for Kate. Bitch is the size of a fetus' nose hair, so she better down a dozen protein shakes before she tries to fuck on Askars all the way.

I know it was confirmed that recent Twitter drop-out Miley Cyrus was going to be in the next Sex and the City movie, but I didn't think they would actually go through it. Well, they have! Last night, Billy Ray's pet chipmunk shot scenes with Kim Cattrall and SJP at the Ziegfeld Theater in NYC.

SPOILER ALERT: The scenes obviously involves Samantha and Miley showing up to a movie premiere in the same exact outfit. This probably forces Samantha to run into the bathroom and make a gown out of toilet liners, maxi-pads and condom wrappers. Everything goes fine until Carrie just can't help herself and starts chewing on Samantha's dress. COMEDY!

Miley isn't the only one dropping in on the sequel. SATC2: Attack of the Dry Lady Parts also features cameos by Liza Minnelli, Barbara Streisand, Tim Gunn, and Penny Cruz.

Dora the Explorer and Strawberry Shortcake already have eating disorders and lost the fat, so it was only a matter of time before Rainbow Brite followed. Hallmark has sent Rainbow Brite to the plastic surgeon, stuck some extensions in hair, got her a make-up makeover at the MAC counter, and is sending her back to work beginning next year. Rainbow Brite used to look like an adorable roly poly girl, and now she looks like a chick who will try to give you a light show with her glow sticks while you're rolling on E at a rave. I can deal.

However, I cannot deal with Hallmark replacing Rainbow Brite's main gays with a trio of furry dingle berries. I mean, the old Rainbow Brite loved her gays, and the new one apparently loves hairy nutsacks with arms and legs. Yeah, no.

And if Hallmark really wants to push Rainbow Brite out on the ho stroll to compete with professional prostitots like the Bratz dolls, they are going to need to try harder. Rainbow Brite is going to need a pair of rainbow bitties, as well as a pair of lucite heels (with a rainbow light in the paltform, of course).

If you were like me, your eyeballs were probably stuck to the TV for the past few hours watching the soap opera called Flight of the Navigator II: Falcon Flies Above. Officials just confirmed that 6-year-old Falcon Heene (the kid in the middle) was hiding in a cardboard box in the attic while everyone was trying to find his ass. SO GROUNDED (punned on purpose).

This afternoon, every TV station cut to a floating silver weather balloon flying above Ft. Collins, Colorado. Falcon's brother told the police that he saw him get into the weather balloon before it took off into the sky. About an hour and a half later, the balloon softly landed in an open field. Falcon wasn't in the balloon. That's when a search was called, and some believed that Falcon might have fallen out of the balloon shortly after it took off.

Well, the fact is that Falcon untethered the balloon, and then ran into the house to hide. Falcon thought his ass was going to get into trouble for letting the balloon go.

Falcon's family has already been on Wife Swap, but methinks it's time for SuperNanny to pay a visit. Better yet, send Nancy Grace over there. That will make the entire family wish they were flying 7,000 feet above the ground in a weather balloon.

How long before Falcon is named as the new face for Jiffy Pop? And you know Def Jam is already trying to sign him. Here's Falcon's first single: