I Don't Like Jokes

TMZ says that right after Lindsay Lohan crashed her Porsche into an 18-wheeler on PCH, police found a bottle of booze lying next to her car and one officer said the smell of alcohol was wafting out of her mouth. LieLo told the cops that she wasn't driving the Porsche, but a bunch of witnesses saw her driving and said she switched places with her assistant right after she butt fucked the 18-wheeler hard. The police didn't give LiLo a Breathalyzer test, because they knew it would explode if she blew into it and they didn't want to deal with broken equipment. They didn't give her a sobriety test at the time, because they thought she was a passenger and there's nothing illegal about being a drunk passenger. (If there was, I'd be on death row.) They also didn't give her a sobriety test, because they knew she'd fail and they'd waste their time by arresting her since nothing ever happens to her.

Before LiLo's dumb ass fired Shawn Holley without knowing it, Shawn was working on a plea deal in the case. After Shawn told LiLo that she'd rather suck off a lamprey than continue to be her lawyer, the plea deal was taken off of the table. But LiLo's new lawyer, that buffoon Mark Heller, is currently negotiating a new plea deal that'll keep her ass out of the clink. The Santa Monica Attorney is offering LiLo 60 days in rehab and community service in New York if she pleads no contest to lying to the cops about driving her Porsche. They also want LiLo to go to a bunch of AA meetings. Mark Heller and the SM Attorney are expected to make a deal today...maybe.

So to recap: this freckled piece of foreskin lint was most likely driving drunk and she lied to the cops, and she's still not going to jail. I used to think that coming out of White Oprah's snatch was a curse, but I guess it was a gift. You get to do whatever the hell you want.

And I bet that part of the deal is that the LAPD will have to give LiLo two bottles of vodka. One bottle of vodka is for the bottle of vodka she had to pour out on the side of the road when the cops showed up after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. The second bottle of vodka is for ruining her buzz by asking her a bunch of questions after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. I mean, can't the cops just let Lindsay Lohan drive drunk in peace! (Apparently, they can and they are.)

Oscar Pistorius is free to shoot up more intruders today after Magistrate Desmond Nair (Side note: Rachel Dratch is right. Every name involved in this case came from the mind of Suzanne Collins.) released him on bail, because the judge doesn't think he's a flight risk. I see what you did there, Magistrate Nair.

After four days of hearing from Oscar's defense and the prosecution, the judge spent two hours today breaking down all of the evidence. Oscar's side of the story is that he thought his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp was a thief hiding out in the water closet so he shot through the door and "accidentally" killed her. My brain burped up a whole lot of question marks when I read Oscar's side of the story. How could he not know that Reeva wasn't in the bed? Why didn't she answer when he shouted at the bathroom door? If Oscar is so paranoid about getting robbed, why did he sleep with the sliding door open and was his security system on at time (I'm guessing not since the sliding door was open)?

Oscar didn't answer the sliding door question, but he did say that it was really dark in the bedroom and he doesn't know why Reeva didn't shout back at him.

The prosecution told the judge that they believe he planned to kill Reeva when she locked herself in the bathroom. Oscar's defense said that they will fight the premeditated murder charge.

The New York Times says that Magistrate Desmond Nair spent nearly 2 hours farting at the mouth about the history of bail and then he said that he doesn't think Oscar is going to get on the next plane to Switzerland, because life as a fugitive with no legs IS HARD! Here's a piece of what he said:

But Magistrate Nair seemed skeptical on Friday about the risk of flight by Mr. Pistorius. “What kind of life would he lead, a person who has to use prostheses, if he has to flee” and found himself “ducking and diving every day” on artificial limbs, the magistrate asked. “His international career would be over in any event.”

“A life not in prison,” Mr. Nel replied, comparing Mr. Pistorius to the WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, who has taken refuge in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London, despite his “famous face.”

After going on and on about nothing, Magistrate Nair set bail at 1 million rand ($112,000) and confiscated Oscar's passport. The next hearing is on June 4th.

Also, a detective in the case stepped down (or was thrown off the case) after the media found out that he's facing charges for attempted murder.

Does Oscar own a white Bronco, because we all know how this is going to play out. Oscar will be found not-guilty ("If the legs don't fit, you must acquit!"), then he's going to write a book called "If I Did It" and then his defense lawyer's daughters will star in a reality show. We've all seen this movie before!

This past summer, I waived Cressida Bonas away when she was spotted getting on Prince Hot Ginge at a club in London. Just like that wart on my taint, I didn't think Cressida would stick around for long. And just like that wart on my taint, she came back and it doesn't look like she's leaving anytime soon. Cressida Boner really showed me to not underestimate her skills at luring the hot ginger one, because here she is snuggling up to his ass on a ski slope in Switzerland yesterday.

I know, how can Prince Hot Ginge canoodle with a chick named after a mid-size Toyota sedan in public, in front of the cameras, in front of our eyes! How can a hot ginge be so cold? I want to scream the same thing my ex-boyfriend's mother screamed at him when he brought me home for dinner, "How dare you bring your WHORE into my house?!" The audacity! But whatever, that is just the jealousy talking.

I mean, look at this bitch's life. After a long day of skiing with PHG, she gets to warm her frozen hands on his piping hot flaming dick bush. Then after warming her frozen hands on his piping hot flaming dick bush, she gets to sip tea while the Original Fergie gives her the juice about THE QUEEN. Then after the Original Fergie gives her the juice about THE QUEEN, she gets to burn her tongue on PHG's stovetop nalgas. The life: she is living it!

But The Mirror and their insiders are wrong for calling her "the one." Unless she's a puppy wrangler who shoots vodka from her butt and can beatbox the European house song of his choice on command, she's not the one.

Jessica Simpson's body doesn't look like it's storing a SeaWorld tank of amniotic fluid in it, so that means she's got a long ass way to go before she births out her surprise baby. But a source tells UsWeekly that Jessica and her bought and paid for piece Eric Johnson have already burped up the perfect name for their second kid. No, Jessica isn't naming her kid Buttered Pop Tart Johnson or Whoops Johnson. Jessica and Eric are giving their kid an even better name. The name they're writing on the birf certificate is:

ACE JOHNSON!!!!!!!!!!

The source says that Eric and Jessica are going around telling people that they're going to name their baby friend Ace Johnson. Ace Johnson sounds like the name of a frat boy at a community college who had dreams of becoming the most successful day trader in the Northern Orange County area, but ended up becoming a bar back at a sports bar before eventually getting a job as a driver on Bang Bus. Ace Johnson smells like Irish Spring, Abercrombie cologne and AXE hair paste. Ace Johnson uses his full name as his Xbox Live username, because his name is just that awesome.

When I translate Ace Johnson from bro talk to English in Google translation, it gives me the phrase "champion penis." Jessica Simpson has really outdone herself this time.

And here's Jessica with Baby Maxwell outside of a Mexican restaurant in Burbank a couple of days ago (yes, this is why a burrito shortage was issued in the Southern California area).

There's a good reason for why Brendan Fraser's facial expression is permanently set to "WOE IS ME," because woe is him and woe is his bank accounts. Brendan claims that he not only lost his hotness, but he lost his fortune too. During his Mummy days, dump trucks would drop mountains of cash on his front driveway, but those days are long over and now he says that he's so broke that he's thisclose to giving hand jobs in a McDonald's bathroom for a McGriddle (story of my life). Brendan was paying his ex-wife, Afton Smith, $900,000 a year in alimony and child support for his three sons, 10-year-old Griffin, 8-year-old Holden and 6-year-old Leland. Apparently, Brendan can't afford to make those payments anymore and he went to a Connecticut court to try to bring that number down.

The New York Post says that in court documents, Brendan claims that paying $900,000 a year just doesn't make sense, because he no longer makes that kind of money anymore. Brendan admitted that he has a few movies coming out, but none of those movies are going to put zillions of dollars into his checking account. But Afton Smith is HAHAHA-ing at Brendan's broke bitch act and thinks that he's all sorts of fraudulent. When they settled their divorce in 2009, Afton accused Brendan of hiding $9 million of new movie contracts. Afton also laughed when Brendan said that he was going to make $0 from acting in the future, because he had no projects in the works.

Afton's lawyer claims that Brendan is once again acting poor for show, because he has $24.7 million in assets.

Cue up the "NO TRICK NEEDS $75,000 A MONTH TO RAISE THREE KIDS" comments. Yeah, nobody needs $75,000 a month to raise three kids, but if you can get it, shit, get it. Why get up when it's still dark to make your kids mayonnaise and butter sandwiches for lunch when you can get a morning chef to do it? Why drive your screaming kids to school in the morning when you can get a nanny to do it? Why makes your kids dinner and get them to do their homework when you can get a night nanny to do it so you can sip champagne in a bubble bath far away from all of them? Get it all, Afton!

And Brendan needs to stop acting like that cousin who gets you to buy her lunch by crying about how broke she is but then pulls out a new Louis Vuitton bag. Because we all know that Brendan is getting millions of dollars in royalties from Monkeybone. 

John Galliano was convicted of anti-semitism in France two years ago after he was caught on video declaring his love for Hitler and telling a group of women that they would be gassed today if Hitler was still around. Dior fired him and the only jobs in fashion he could get involved designing the uniforms for Jesse James' bike shop and cutting dick holes into the Nazi uniforms that Mel Gibson likes to wear while getting a pre-jacuzzi blow job. Bitch fell hard. But then Oscar de la Renta hired Galliano to help design his latest collection. Oscar de la Renta showed his new collection at New York Fashion Week yesterday and Galliano was spotted dressed like this while making his way to the show.

Some people think that Galliano was at it again. The New York Post put this picture on their cover with the word SHMUCK and accused his evil ass of mocking Hasidic Jews. But Abraham Foxman of the Anti-Defamation League tells the Observer that the Post is being ridiculous as shit, because he thinks Galliano is dressed nothing like a Hasidic Jew.

"The New York Post story is a ridiculous, absurd distortion. There is no truth to their accusation that John Galliano was dressed in Hasidic garb, and anyone familiar with the dress of traditional Orthodox Jews should not mistake what Galliano is wearing in the photograph as ‘Hasidic garb.'

This is John Galliano being John Galliano. His dress is always eccentric and his hair is always worn long. This is, at the very least, ignorance on the part of the reporters and editors at the Post, or, at worst, a deliberate, malicious distortion in an effort to sell newspapers. For the past year and a half, Mr. Galliano has been on a pilgrimage to learn from and grow from his mistakes. Now people are trying to distort and destroy him. He has spent hours with me and with others in the European Jewish community, including rabbis and Holocaust scholars, in an effort to better understand himself and to learn from his past mistakes. He is trying very hard to atone.”

On one hand, Galliano is a board certified STUNT QUEEN cunt so I wouldn't put it past him. On the other hand, besides the hair icicle curls falling down his face and the black coat, this look doesn't completely scream out Hasidic Jewish person to me. If anything, he looks like Charlie Chaplin as a Hassidic Jew. Wait, didn't Hitler HATE Charlie Chaplin? The plot thins!

The bodyguard's piping hot side-eye says a million things including, "I will have to tag Adele out and jump in if that hand comes up higher," so when this picture started making the rounds after the Grammys on Sunday night, somebody made up a story that Adele read Chris Brown his rights for not standing up for his parking space rival Frank Ocean. The story was sort of (not really) believable, because Adele was dressed like an off-duty schoolmarm who is always schooling brat ass tricks, so it sort of (not really) made sense that she would scold that throbbing urethra wart. Everybody from The Sun to the Daily Mail to HuffPo picked up the "Adele tells Chris Brown off" story and ran it as the truth. But Adele stuck a needle in everyone's bubble yesterday when she said on Twitter that she wasn't slapping a trick down with her words, she was throwing him a compliment. WHA??????!???

Unless your name is Scott Peterson, Ike Turner, Mel Gibson or Charlie Sheen, what is there to compliment Chris Brown on? Maybe Adele complimented Chris Brown on his anorexic anaconda dick? Or maybe Adele complimented him on his toddler boys communion suit from Sears? No, Adele probably gave him a pat on the back for going a full day without whooping a trick or throwing a full-on rage fit in the middle of a parking lot. He really should get a gold star for that.

Okay, maybe it's not dripping with candy-coated elegance, but it's definitely dripping with something, because my eyeballs are sticky in a bad way and the rest of my day will be spent scrubbing my retinas with a Chore Boy and two cans of Ajax (with BLEACH!). Speaking of Chore Boys, everybody who helped in the making of the porn iguana's debut music video was obviously smoking from a Chore Boy crack pipe, because this is an illegal mess.

If you've ever wondered what a Skinemax movie would look like if a perma-horny, cotton-mouthed iguana in a thirsty weave was cast as the lead, you'll get your answer when you watch Courtney Stodden's video for her auto-tuned as fuck single "Reality." Courtney's video has a budget of zero (that's being generous), all of the sophisticated ensembles she's wearing were snatched from a dumpster behind a third-tier stripper shop on Hollywood Blvd. and several laws were broken while making this.

I couldn't find an embeddable clip, which probably isn't a bad thing, because Dlisted has been hit with way too many fake Malware warnings this week and it really doesn't need another one. So you have to go to E! to watch Courtney's latest assault on your soul. You should run the shower before you hit play, because you will want to jump into it afterward.

That being said, Courtney's video is a complicated piece of art and I'm sure that the authority on all things artistic, James Franco, will teach an entire course on it at RISD in the fall.

Well there goes the ratings for the Grammys on Sunday night, because who wants to see a 3 hour show that doesn't have close ups of side titty, female nipples, shaved labia and ass crack? CBS' Standard and Practice Department (aka a bunch of prudish fun haters who probably shower with the lights off and only do sex missionary style through a hole in the bed sheet) sent an e-mail to the Grammy producers letting them know that at Sunday night's ceremony, they don't want to see any side tit action (Rick Ross just canceled his RSVP) and "puffy" parts on the crotch area (Taylor Swift just threw out the crotchless leggings she planned to wear).

Deadline (via Vulture) posted the email from CBS that reads like something your grandma would send your slut ass days before Thanksgiving dinner at her house:

Date: February 5, 2013, 10:39:56 PM EST
Subject: 55th GRAMMYS: Standard And Practice Wardrobe Advisory

-kindly confirm receipt of s&p standards-

***GRAMMYS 2013***

CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent’s wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.

I hope that every ho going to the Grammys proudly shows up with nipples out, a flashing ass crack and fully visible twat lips, because this is a travesty! I mean, are they going to put a giant censor box over Cee Lo Green, because he shows fleshy under curves, female breasts and visible puffiness on his genital region when he's fully dressed. Fuck them!

I don't know what kind of mind-altering substances they're snorting, smoking, injecting or buttchugging at ESPN the Magazine, but they were definitely on something when they came up with this random mess of an idea. The first sign in knowing if an ESPN the Magazine editor is on the wrong shit is when they recreate famous album covers with athletes for their "music issue." We should test them for fuckery-enhancing drugs and I'm going to need Oprah to interview them in the suite of a Comfort Inn.

ESPN the Magazine is putting out a magazine issue, because once again DRUGS, and they got Ryan Lochte for Nirvana's Nevermind cover, Josh Freeman for Michael Jackson's Thriller cover, Allyson Felix for Beyonce's Dangerously In Love cover, Alex Morgan for Katy Perry's One of the Boys cover and Trent Richardson, LaMarr Woodley, and Marshawn Lynch for Run DMC's Ultimate Run DMC cover.

To promote the issue, ESPN gave USA Today some lines Ryan Lochte said during his shoot and now I know why my mom always warned me about the dangers of snorting massive amounts of chlorine through your nose.

-"Iconic Nirc-vana"

- "The cover is definitely global, brah."

- "If you look at the baby, he's definitely happy in the water. And that's what I am."

- "He's chasing after a dollar bill. So he's always on the grind."

- "Trying to perfect the perfect the shot in the water was kinda easy for me. Just because I spend about four hours a day, every day of my life, in the water."

- "Usually when I go swimming, I have goggles on. So when I didn't have my goggles on for this shoot my eyes were definitely burning."

- [Blinks five times in two seconds] "Am I blinking a lot, cause I feel like it."

- "Hopefully everyone's reaction when they see it, they'll be like, daang, look at that guy. I honestly think I nailed the shot."

I feel like I should be wearing an Affliction tank top and bumping to dubstep while holding a can of Monster when I read those priceless quotes. Whenever brilliant words of wisdom dribble out of Ryan Lochte's mouth, it feels like I just snorted an entire 32oz Icee. It's worse than brain freeze.

But that shit aside, it wasn't not funny that Ryan Lochte's Nevermind recreation is historically inaccurate and wrong! The baby didn't wear Speedos, so why is Ryan? Maybe Ryan is bigger than that baby and he didn't want the baby to feel bad about it. Yeah, that's probably not it.