I Don't Like Jokes

If you don't want to spend an hour plus of your life watching the Carrie remake when it comes out on October, just watch the trailer, because it's the Cliffs Notes version on speed. It tells the entire plot of the story from beginning to end. Every single living breathing creature on this planet knows what happens to Carrie, but still. Just like me after a few drinks, this trailer gives everything away fast.  That's not even my biggest problem with this shit. My biggest problem is that Chloe Moretz and Julianne Moore are way too pretty and sane-looking for this. They both look like they just rolled out of a Marc Jacobs ad.

In what world would Chloe Moretz be bullied and beaten with tampons? If she went to my school, she'd be the one throwing tampons at a ho and she'd legitimately be prom queen. Was a Willis daughter not available to play Carrie's crazy, homely ass? Was OctoMom not available to play Carrie's mom? This needs more ugly and needs more crazy. I hope there's a CGI effect for that.

When Justin Bieber was in Norway last year, the Mayor of Oslo almost had to declare a State of Emergency after thousands of crazed Beliebers trampled over each other while trying to get to their Jesus. Bieber Fever is the #1 mental illness affecting children in Norway. So because of this, five schools in western Norway have moved midterm exams a week later so students can go and see the most famous dancing fetus in the world on April 16th and 17th and in Oslo.

Time says that the five schools are 230 miles away from Oslo, so students would have to miss exams to drive to and from the concert. Norway's education minister said that she's not going to shoot down the schools' decision:

“I am concerned that students should be concentrating when they take tests and midterms. The local schools have the responsibility to schedule the local midterms, and if they think there is any reason to change the dates, they have authority to do so. We’ve all been 14-years-old and know that interests can be intense.”

I just ate two raw hot dogs wrapped in two Kraft singles, so I'm obviously no expert when it comes to knowing what a good decision is, but I'm going to say that this is a good decision. If they didn't cancel midterms, half of the students would not show up, drop out of school, go on welfare, get pregnant and then raise their babies to be the next generation of Beliebers. The other half would show up with revenge in their hearts and they'd destroy all their teachers by blasting a bunch of Bieber songs.

But then again, knowing that he has the power to temporarily stop the education system in Norway is going to make Justin Bieber's already expanding head grow bigger. His head is just a few inches away from being as big as the planet. We're doomed either way.

Matt Lauer's Today show contract with NBC doesn't end until 2014, but the head bitches at the network want him to pack up all his shit and get out as soon as possible since everybody wants to repeatedly punch their TV when his face comes on the screen. NBC has apparently talked to Matt Lauer about leaving the show early and they've had talks with possible replacements including The Silver Fox (seen above as The Light Brown Slightly New Wave-ish Fox).

Deadline said last night that NBC had a meeting with Anderson Cooper about getting up at the walk of shame hour (aka like 3am) to co-host Today and he was into it. NBC wants The Silver Fox to replace Matt Lauer by the end of the year. When the executives at NBC asked Matt what he thought about the Silver Fox replacing him, he pretty much took three shits on that idea and then he personally called Anderson Cooper and took another three shits on that idea. Deadline's source said that Anderson was sort of shocked by Matt whining about how he doesn't want him to take the job, because he thought Matt was in on the replacement discussions from the start. But....

TMZ is hearing some different crap. They're hearing that Matt never called Anderson and that Matt is actually into the idea of Anderson replacing his smug ass. Matt even wants to talk to Anderson face-to-face about the job.

The good news is that I lost about 0.0004 pounds from all the eye rolling calisthenics I did while reading that story at TMZ. I totally believe that Matt farted all over The Silver Fox's parade and I totally believe that Matt Liar called TMZ and told them he didn't.

Nobody wants Matt Lauer, but apparently everybody wants Anderson Cooper. Not only is NBC trying to get a piece of his ass, but he also shot a pilot with Kathy Griffin for CNN.

I am totally into Anderson Cooper replacing Matt Lauer and I am totally into his CNN show with Kathy Griffin, but only if they replace Decatur Guthrie (or whatever her name is) with Grumpy Cat and replace Kathy Griffin with....Grumpy Cat. What I'm saying is that The Silver Fox and Grumpy Cat should be cloned so they can host everything together.

Goopy Paltrow wants you to starve like her, wants you to dress like her, wants you to exercise like her and now she wants you to have stringy bleached-out skeleton hair...like her! Goopy, her hairstylist David Babaii and her bat-faced trainer Tracy Anderson got together and decided that what L.A. really needs right now is a blow dry bar. I said, blow DRY bar, Lindsay Lohan, so there's no need to run over there with an application and audition tape in hand.

The David Babaii Blow Dry Bar will be inside of Tracy Anderson's workout studio in Brentwood. All three of those brains think that putting a blow dry bar inside of a gym is a genius decision, because after sweating your internal organs out, what you really want is an overpriced blowout. David told People:

“It’s not just going to be a blowout bar. It’s going to be ‘Hey, why don’t we do this style with your new body? It’s more about your lifestyle. There’s no judgment.”

I don't even know what that means. But the only reasonable and logical answer to the question "Hey, why don't we do this style with your new body?" is "Hey, why don't you bite me?" And if I went to the gym, the only blow I'd want is the kind you get after trolling the men's locker room.

Rachel "Chupacabara" Zoe also has a blow dry bar in NYC and she charges $30 for a quickie, so I'm sure Goopy's blow dry bar is going to outdo her ass by charging $300 and they'll have to run a credit check beforehand, because they don't want any asses of the poor in their dolphin leather chairs.

If you really want hair like Goopy, you're not going to get it from a blowout. To get hair like Goopy's, you have to only eat peony seeds for weeks and every night when your husband doesn't come home, you have to moisturize your mop by crying into it right before you pass out on your swan feather-filled bed from starvation. That's how you get Goop hair!

The Hammaconda is living the life. It gets to hang out Jon Hamm all the time, it gets to get hand hugged by Jon Hamm regularly, it gets to go shopping, it gets to go to Hawaii and most important of all it gets to do all of that while not being suffocated in a pair of tight white chonies. But the evil, huge peen-hating executives at AMC (stands for A Motherfucking Cockhater) want to change all that. They're saying that Jon Hamm's free falling crotch snake has become distracting and they want him to put on some panties. They just won't let Jon Hamm's big dick be great. Cock blocking bitches.

A source tells the NYDN that Don Draper's pants have become a little more fitted this season, so there's nowhere for the Hammaconda to hide. The source says that when they shot in Hawaii and Jon Hamm had to wear tiny shorts, his cervix-cracking peen really came out to play and it made the whole crew giggle. They also had to Photoshop his bulge away in all of the promo posters for the new season. The source went on to say this shit:

“This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination. Jon’s impressive anatomy is so distracting that they politely insisted on underwear. His privates are the inside joke. [He] knows what he’s got.”

When the NYDN asked Jon Hamm's rep about this act of injustice against his big dick, they didn't laugh and said that everybody needs to grow up and stop acting like 12-year-olds.

“It is ridiculous and not really funny at all. I’d appreciate you taking the high road and not resorting to something childish like this that’s been blogged about 1,000 times.”

Oh, please. I'm sure Jon Hamm's rep has close-up pictures of the Hammaconda wallpapered on every wall of their powder room like the rest of us do. But really, AMC can try to tame Jon Hamm's Mt. Everest bulge, but it's not going to happen. They can bind it down, they can wrap a frozen condom around it and they can even show it a picture of Kim Kardashian's chocha to make it scurry between Jon Hamm's legs, but eventually it will rise above and be seen. What I'm saying is that Jon Hamm's huge dick has outgrown Mad Men and needs its own show.

Or the executives of AMC can just give Jon's schlong its own dressing room so it has somewhere to hang out while he's shooting scenes. And yes, that's your cue to put a sign that reads "The Hammaconda's Dressing Room" above your mouth.

Lindsay Lohan finally decided to show up to court in L.A. this morning and she was only 50 minutes late. LiLo probably stopped for Blood Marys, did a pre-hearing bump in a gas station bathroom and changed into linnocent white (complete with a holy cross) before going to court, so 50 minutes isn't that late. When LiLo jumped out of her SUV and took the walk of shame into the court room, she got glitter-bombed the same way she got glitter-bombed in 2010. I used to think that everything is prettier when you throw a little glitter on it, but I was wrong. All that glitters is not gold. That tsunami of glitter should've been directed at her lawyer, the Larry H. Parker of gnomes, because he and his extra fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase deserves to be drenched in a sparkle storm, not her. If it only it was a swarm of bees!

If you're watching TMZ's live feed of Lindsay Lohan's latest date with the California Justice System, then you probably have the California seal embedded into your retinas, because her trial hasn't started. They're running over 2 hours late and apparently LiLo has been in the bathroom while six Sheriffs wait outside for her. How rude of those Sheriffs. Can't they give a bitch some privacy while she's trying to shit out the 4 balloons of coke she swallowed before going through airport security? No respect!

LiLo's court date is supposed to start any minute now, so you can watch the live feed if you want to see her finger bang the justice system in the butt without lube again. If the trial doesn't start, you can just look at the seal for another two hours and honestly, staring at that seal is probably better than staring at LiLo's stale empanada lips.

UPDATE: Throw out the popcorn, because there's not going to be a Crackie vs. The People trial after all. After turning down plea deal after plea deal for weeks, LiLo struck a deal with prosecutors today. LiLo pleaded no contest to reckless driving and lying to the cops about being the one who crashed her Porsche into a semi. The reckless driving charge brings an automatic 5 days in jail, but the prosecutors agreed to roll that into her time in rehab. LiLo agreed to 90 days in lockdown rehab, 30 days of community labor in New York and 18 months of psychotherapy. LiLo's on probation for stealing that jooree and she admitted to violating her probation. The judge sentenced her to 180 days in jail for that, but she won't have to serve that sentence if she obeys all the laws (HAHAHAHA!). The judge also told her to stop driving.

And that's that. I'm sure we'll be doing all of this again in a couple of weeks when LiLo breaks out of rehab, steals a car, robs a liquor store and then drunkenly crashes into a preschool.

Matt Lauer's current $25-million-a-year contract with NBC will not be renewed, because Today's viewers went from loving to hate-watch him to hating to hate-watch him. Alex Trebek's final contract as host of Jeopardy! ends sort of around the same time that Matt Lauer's contract ends and you know where I'm going with this so let's just all scream NOOOOOOO! together.

The New York Post says that in 2016, 72-year-old Alex Trebek will retire as host of Jeopardy! and Sony Pictures Television, who owns the show, is already putting together a list of possible replacements. Matt Lauer, who is currently at the bottom of the People I Want To Watch In The Morning list, is at the top of Sony's list. Alex has had a few heart problems recently, so he wanted to quit that bitch and retire this year. But Sony convinced him to stay for three more years, because they told him they need a lot of time to find his replacement.

Sony is also thinking of talking to America's sweetheart Anderson Cooper about taking the job. The Silver Fox is apparently into it. The Silver Fox hosted The Mole for a quick minute (and he always has an invitation to be the host of My Hole, sorry) and he likes the idea of hosting a game show, because the shooting schedule is easy. Sony thinks they're still a year-and-a-half away from seriously talking to The Silver Fox or Matt Lauer about the job, but a source says that major moves could be made before then.

America is thisclose to getting rid of Matt Lauer and Jeopardy! is already planning his return to television? Damn them. Matt Lauer is better than Alex Trebek at some things (example: Matt Lauer does a criminal check on every call girl he gets from the Yellow Pages. Alex made a rookie mistake), but hosting a game show isn't one of them. The silver-topped Canadian raisin that is Alex Trebek cannot be replaced!

But if Sony insists on going on with the show and replacing Alex Trebek, they should replace him with Sean Connery. Then Alex can be a contestant and he can mess with Sean for once.

I guess nothing lulls Jim Bob Duggar to sleep like the soothing and sorrowful sound of Michelle Duggar's uterus sadly humming the melody to "Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen" to itself at night...... Because Michelle and Jim Bob are making her uterus even sadder by telling the world that they want to have yet another baby. Michelle's Battle of Normandy womb is probably temporarily speechless right now, so I'll speak for it by saying: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

The Duggar family announced on Monday that they're single-handedly single-vaginaedly helping the US to overtake China as the #1 most populated country in the world and Michelle told Radar that being a grandmother again is "wonderful," but she would really love to have another baby of her own. Michelle and Jim Bob's 19th child, Josie, was born with all kinds of health problems and she suffered a miscarriage a little over a year ago. Michelle tells Radar that she might be too old to have another child, but she's still trying.

“If God saw fit for us to receive another child we would love that and welcome that. Well, I’m 46 years old, and if this is the end for me being able to bear children then that is God’s timing. I will rejoice no matter where I find myself. Having grandchildren is like cream on the top of a wonderful sundae!”

We get it, Michelle Duggar, we get it. Michelle and Jim Bob like to fuck and they like to do it bareback style. But for the sake of her uterus, she should put a plug in Jim Bob's peen slit before she gets on that dick. I don't know how many times I've read about Michelle Duggar's uterus prolapsing. Every time her uterus tries to fall out, Jim Bob shoves it back in with his peen and tries to make another baby. If the Duggars really want to add to their hoarders pile of babies, they should just take a couple from OctoMom.

Jennifer Aniston is supposed to break the forever alone curse put on her by an evil witch (no comment) by licking the grease off of Justin Theroux's lips when they kiss at their wedding in a few months. Jennifer is supposed to get all the attention and all the covers of every magazine and everybody should be talking about her her her her her! But because Brad Pitt has to ruin everything, he's probably going to ruin her wedding day.

The Sun (I know, I know) says that Brad got a marriage license about a month ago and that he and Angie Jolie are planning to throw a wedding at their chateau in France in May. Jennifer also wants to get married around May, so she's pissing into Brad's bong, because he's ruining her damn life once again. Some source said that Jennifer was thinking of going to Brad's wedding (file that under: things that will only happen if Maddox lures her there by leaving a trail of Beanie Babies from her door to Brangie's wedding), but she's changed her mind.

“All that goodwill would go out the window if Brad’s wedding date comes close to hers. Jennifer will see it as an attempt to upstage her and there will be a battle over Hollywood guests. She knows they will be judged on who had the better wedding by pulling in the biggest stars."

I know, I've typed this a million times before (what else is new?), but Brangie and TinAnis should really make the world explode by having a double wedding. If they had a double wedding, the sheer force of the Brangeloonies' heads exploding would make the Earth tilt on its axis and we'd all free fall into the universe before landing on a planet far, far away. We'd get up, wipe the foreign planet dust off of our body and just as we all breathed out sighs of relief over never hearing about the Brangie and Aniston triangle again, some alien will come up to us and say in our native tongue, "So who's dress was hotter? Jen or Angie's?"

But really, Brad and Angie are never getting married. They're just dragging this out to torture all of us forever.

And here's Brad dressed like a middle-aged lesbian architect while walking through LAX yesterday.

I'd like to think that a car driving by was blasting "One" from A Chorus Line and the music made Ben Affleck bust into his one-man kick line, but that's not what's happening here. After picking his 4-year-old daughter Seraphina up from school, Ben took her to the Brentwood County Mart and when they got there he found a bunch of paps waiting for him. Ben's b-hole started to boil up when the paps got too close to his daughter and so he started kicking at those bitches the same way Jennifer Garner has to kick out his side whores when she finds them naked in the pool house.

A source type tells TMZ that Ben never touched the pap with his foot and only kicked out his leg to show the paps how far they need to keep away from his daughter. The source says that the paps keep getting bolder and bolder and it's scaring Seraphina so much that it's making her cry. So Ben brought out his mama bear martial arts skills by kicking at those hos.

Even though Ben claims that his foot never touched that pap, I'm sure that pap will still say that the gust of wind created by Ben's flying foot made him fall to the ground, hit his head on a cement parking log and drop his $5,000 camera. The pap suffered a major concussion, his $5,000 camera is broken and he instantly developed a severe fear of flying legs. The pap will never be able to enjoy a Rockettes show again! He will sue for emotional and physical damages.

It must've been a slow day on the stroll if the paps are taking pictures of Ben Affleck. Who cares about Ben Affleck? The Oscars are over! There's brighter stars on the stroll like Phoebe Price. You know what these celeb whores need to do when they don't want to get their picture taken? They need to call up international supermodel Chicken Cutlets, because she'll show up and distract the paps with her world-class posing skills while they do whatever it is you do at the Brentwood County Mart. PP will save them.

And since you don't really care about looking at pictures of Ben Affleck, here's also some pictures of PP being demure and graceful on the stroll a couple of weeks ago.