I Don't Like Jokes
WTF?! Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest was today and Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas did not win! Okay, she wasn't really expected to win, but she's the only reason why I watch this gross dry vomit fiesta. Sonya placed fourth or fifth or some shit. Oh well, she'll get them next year.
The 10-minute competition ended with Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi tying with 59 dogs each! The contest went into overtime and Chestnut and Kobayashi were given 5 dogs each. Whoever swallowed all 5 first, won. Chestnut won that bitch. It was rumored that Kobayashi was going to retire, but he denied it and said he'll be back next year.
I should enter that shit next year. I can probably swallow 10 weiners a minute....AT LEAST. Below is the clip of Chestnut and Kobayashi battling it out until the end. That shit is nasty.
America ruins everything and this is no exception! The American version of the beloved Australian comedy "Kath & Kim" has already shot its first episode. NBC has also bought 7 more episodes bringing its order total to 13 episodes. Molly Shannon plays Kath and Selma Blair plays Kim. Give it a bone, NBC!
NBC might as well just stab me in the heart with Skeletor's clavicle bone. This is illegal!
I'm not that only one that is shitting mad about this fuckery. Selma Blair spoke to news.com.au about the Australian backlash, "Some people are really protective and horrified that we're doing it in the United States."
The crappy US version will take place in a suburb in Florida. It's the same set-up. Molly will play an overly positive mother and Selma will play her celebrity-obsessed, bitchy daughter.
Selma also claims she gained some weight to play chunky ass Kim, "The joke is I wear the same clothes from when I was 13 and when I sit down there will be a big roll over my shorts and I call myself the hottest thing. There will definitely be the appearance of a thong or two."
Kath & Kim is the one of the only shows that makes me laugh until I barf. "Cops" is the other show, but for different reasons.
You can already see the Americanization from just the first photo! Molly and Selma are supposed to look frumpy and fugly! They look semi-hot. Epponnee Rae is not happy about this.
Friends: The Movie?! Smelly Cat NO! This is not a good idea, unless they call it, Friends: The One Where The Central Perk Blows Up With All Of Them In It.
According to the Daily Mail, the cast of Friends is ready to terrorize the big screen thanks to the success from the Sex and the City movie. I knew nothing good could ever come out of that movie.
An insider thinks the movie can come together within the next 18 months. The cast has apparently been ready for a while, but Jenny Aniston was the one who wasn't so sure about a movie. Some source said, "As the biggest star of the Friends franchise, Jennifer can't help but look at what's happened with Sarah Jessica Parker and the Sex And The City film and be a little jealous. What's held back a Friends movie so far is that people were worried that Jennifer had simply become too famous to play Rachel again." Yeah, some big star. "Derailed" anybody? "Rumor Has It" anybody?
Please, no more movies based on crappy TV shows! The only TV show to feature film allowed to be made is "It's A Living!" I mean, Ann Jillian and Marian Mercer? Magic! Intro below:
Boy Benji needs to step away from Wonky's toxic chocha for a second, because its fumes are fucking with his one working brain cell. Wonky recently said that Benji refuses to let her get a tattoo and his reason is fucking ludicrous.
She said, "He is going to get one of me but he won't let me get one. He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure."
She looks like a pure skankasswhoreslutskeezybitchhocumrag. Wonky is as pure as Tommy Girl's boiling hot douche water.
Maybe Boy Benji was chomping on his 10th chalupa of the day when he mumbled, "You look like poo." I mean, anybody who says Wonky is pure needs to be locked up in a straitjacket for life.
The image of Michael Lohan blowing his lumpy man chowder into a plastic cup is not what I needed today. Barf. You know that shit is like Campbell's chunky New England clam chowder. Double barf.
Anygross, Michael told E! News that he gave a DNA sample this morning for a paternity test. I know that it was probably done by blood or another way, but you know Michael insisted he drop his junk in a plastic cup.
Last week, Michael told the press that he had a secret daughter. He claims he effed some hobag named Kristi while he was separated from White Oprah. Years later, Kristi told Michael she had his daughter, Ashley, now age 13. Michael is now changing his tune, because he thinks something in the milk ain't clean. Why did I just say that? That made me think of Michael's chunky chowder jizz again.
Michael said, "We were together in July of '94. I think it was just before The Parent Trap came out because that's when Dina and I were separated. [Kristi] left me and went to Houston, Texas, and she met a guy she lived with there for a year." Um...The Parent Trap came out in 1998. Somebody enroll this dumb bitch in a class at Sylvan Learning Center.
Michael went on to say that Ashley was born in June 1995, so he doesn't think the timing adds up, "She had me so convinced. She had me snowballed." Snowballed?! I bet she did and I bet Michael loves eating his own chowder....OK! I'll stop. I've gone too far. No more talk about Michael's chunky chowder!
He will have the results in 10-12 weeks and said he's willing to step up if he is in fact Ashley's daddy. By "step up" he means he'll whore poor Ashley out to Hollywood, so that she can make some easy cash for him.
And Maury must be truly depressed that he didn't get to handle this shit.
I must have been naive in thinking that I would never hear the name "Kristy Likes Cocks" ever again. It's true that sometimes she haunts my nightmares, but I usually just wake up in a greasy sweat and take a Simply Sleep. Unfortunately, all the Simply Sleep pills in the world cannot erase this truly tragic news. American's Idol's resident redneck hobag got herself a record deal!!! This cuntry ass hobag belongs in a broke down trailer, nursing her pet possums, while watching WWE Smackdown on the 13" TV she bought on lay-away. She does not belong in a recording studio.
Cocks' first single, "15 Minutes of Shame," will be released this August. Her single title describes what she had to do to get that damn record deal! I'm surprised she didn't name her first single, "American Christians Rule!"
Her album is supposed to come out in the fall. Does that mean in this pork rind skank is going to be everywhere this fall? If that's the case, I'm totally moving to Tibet to become a monk.
The television event of the century has been called off! Latarian Milton was supposed to fly to California next week to bring a little "hood rat stuff" to Judge Judy. Judge Judy has taken back her invitation after Latarian's memaw, Vikkita Stratford, told CBS12 that the Judge Judy show approached her about suing her own daughter.
Vikkita said the show requested she sue Latarian's mother for $5,000 to pay for the damages made to her SUV. The SUV that Latarian stole and took for a joy ride. The show was going to fly Latarian, his mommy and his memaw to California for the July 1st taping.
Judge Judy issued a statement saying she canceled the taping after finding out the shady deal, "Judge Judy does not believe in fostering litigation and if that is what happened, then canceling the case was the only option."
JJ only canceled the show to save face after she got caught!
I might as well throw my TV in the trash now that Hood Rat Stuff isn't going to be on it anytime soon. I shouldn't be so negative. Latarian will soon grace our television screens. He's on to bigger and better things like a co-starring role on "Cops" or his own show on Vh1. "Hood Rat Stuff of Love."
Dlisted reader Monica sent me this picture of Disney's Hannah Montana Peen candy she found at her local Walmart. This is the best the Disney could do? I mean, they are a whore factory! They could have given us something to really choke on. This shit is just a shorty with Cisco Adler nuts.
Disney should get in touch with the people who make Gummi Lighthouse Peens. Their shit is short, but at least it's erect.
And yes, Monica and I are both 11-years-old.
Anne Hathaway's skeezy ex-beard, Raffaello Fulloshitty, was in a NYC court room this morning on fraud and money laundering charges when he suddenly had to be taken to the hospital. No, not because he had a tampon stuck up his ass, but because he had a "sinus infection."
His rep told People, "He had an episode in the courtroom which lead to him being transported to a nearby hospital for evaluation. I do not have the specifics on what type of treatment at this time but [it's] for a severe sinus infection."
I think I was born with a sinus infection and have had it ever since and you don't see me crying into the arms of a nurse. Well, I would if he had a nine-incher and a Central Park West condo.
Anyway, Raffy's no-no hole probably had the "severe sinus infection" after it realized it will be prime meat in the chokey.
Raffy is facing charges after he lied about being the CFO of the Vatican, so that he could buy properties owned by the Catholic Church at a discount. At his hearing this morning, the judge set his bail at $21 million and put him on house arrest. House arrest?! Even Jesus is saying "WTF?" to that!
Not Steven Fucking Tyler!!! And the pepaw is posing in those things like he's feeling sexy in them. I blame all of his booze and drugs problems on Crocs! I also blame them for making him look like Carly Simon.
I'm seriously starting to see those plastic vagina shoes everywhere! They are taking over the Earth and soon we will be a world filled with Crocs. I mean, they started making Crocs high heels. The fugness must end!