I Don't Like Jokes

This is the teaser trailer for Oliver Stone's "W" and it's going to be a disastrous shit show of epic proportions. I can't fucking wait for this shit. It looks like a "Saturday Night Live" skit. I laughed like Dubya reading "Marmaduke" on Sunday mornings. I'm not sure I was supposed to laugh.

"You're a Bush! Act like one!" This shit is going to make be amazing. I just hope the movie theaters start serving booze just for this crap fiesta.

Thandie Newton does Condi Rice better than Condi Rice!

VIA ONTD

I still haven't seen "The Dark Knight" yet. I know. If I don't see that shit by the end of this weekend, a warrant will be issued for my arrest. I'm pretty sure you're breaking some kind of law if you don't see this movie. Anyway, why should I bother seeing it when I've already seen Danity Kane's comic-book inspired video for "Bad Girl."

As much as I love the raggedy cotton ball known as Aubrey O'Day, this shit is bootleg. It looks like it was paid for with blowjobs and El Pollo Loco gift certificates. This shit also looks like porn. The porn version of Batman. Let's call it "Scatman" or "The Dark Niner."

Aubrey also needs to change the lyric "look at my eyes covered in Maybelline" to "look at my eyes covered in Maybelline, tar, molasses and crow feathers."

When Lecy Goranson left "Roseanne," I was so fucking sad. Becky #2 wasn't the same. She was too classy for that shit and never belonged. No one could ever pull off a floral sweatshirt the way Becky #1 could.

Anyway, Lecy (I think she goes by Alicia now) was spotted reading tarot cards at the Gowanus Yacht Club in Brooklyn last Saturday. That bitch is the next Dionne Warwick! I don't know if she does this for money or if it's a regular thing, but I'm spending every night at the Gowanus Yacht Club, hoping to run into her. Sharing a twelve pack with Becky #1 while she tells me a bunch of bullshit sounds like my idea of a good time.

A long ass time ago I worked for a psychic line for like a day. It was hell and even I started to feel guilty about lying to people. One bitch asked me, "Is my boyfriend cheating on me?" I asked her, "What time did he come home last night?" She answered, "He didn't." So I said, "Yes. Yes, he is cheating on you." You would think that the dumb bitch would have said to me, "Bitch! You're the psychic. You should know what time he came home!" Don't ever call those things! If you need someone to lie to you, call me instead. I lie for beer.

The "Red Sonja" poster should really feature Rose McGowan licking Robert Rodriguez's dick, because that's what she had to do to get this role. Obviously, it wasn't her amazing acting skills that got her the part.

Robert will produce the remake starring Rose as the woman warrior. It's coming out next year and it will be whoreiffic. Robert and Rose might as well just shit on a plate and hand it to us, because that's what this movie is going to be.

Brigitte Nielsen, come fart on Rose for messing with YOUR role.

Kim Porter was with Diddy for 10 fucking years. They have 3 children together and his ass never married her. I think they were engaged at least 100 times, but I'm not sure. Star Magazine reports that Diddy is telling his friends and family that he will marry a woman and her name is not Kim Porter. Her name is Cassandra Ventura. That's a hot name. She's got Kim in the name department. Sorry.

A source said, "Diddy said they hadn't set a date yet, but he wanted his family to hear the news first." 38-year-old Diddy met 21-year-old Cassie when he signed her to his label in 2006.

If Cassie thinks she's getting the wedding of her dreams, she's mistaken. This is going to be The Diddy Show. He will be the bride, groom, priest, best man, all of the groomsmen and all of the bridesmaids. Everything will have his face on it and he'll perform at the ceremony and the reception. Cassie will just sit on the side, waiting until it's time to cut the damn cake.

That's if Kim Porter doesn't crash the ceremony. Shit, I'll even drive her ass there and hold down Diddy while Kim slaps the shit out of him. Then we'll steal a bunch of jordan almonds (love those) and bust out of there.

This story doesn't have anything to do with Jason Lee's son, Pilot Inspektor, but he may want to file it away for possible future use.

A family court judge in New Zealand made a 9-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name could be changed. You see, her parents named her "Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii." Seriously. I think Matthew McConaughey is hitting himself over the head with his bongos for not thinking of that totally awesome name.

The little girl is involved in a custody battle. Her new name was not made public. It was probably changed to "Talula Does The Kapa Haka From New Zealand." Well, she's from New Zealand. Not Hawaii.

The poor girl told the court that she was also embarassed by her name and asked all her friends to call her "K" instead. The judge said, "The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child's parents have shown in choosing this name. It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily."

The registration office in New Zealand has already blocked some names, but some have been allowed, including including "Number 16 Bus Shelter." I can't even comment on that shit. Those parents deserve the beat down of a lifetime.

Please forward this story to Audio Science, Moxie Crimefighter, Diva Thin Muffin and Jermajesty. They need to know that there's a way to stop the madness!

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Thanks The C Word

MTV is about to commit first-degree murder by remaking the cult classic "Rocky Horror Picture Show." That's our cue to go back to bed. This is obviously a bad nightmare and we must wake up.

The ugly and mean whores at MTV said they will use the original screenplay, but may add new music. GOD NO! They are aiming for a Halloween 2009 release. So, it's official. October 31, 2009 is the day we all spontaneously combust.

Casting has not yet been announced.

Dammit, Janet! Fuck, I can already see who MTV is going to cast in this shit:

Pete Wentz as Dr. Frank-N-Furter
Ashlee Simpson as Janet Weiss
Zac Efron as Brad Majors
MTV star Tila Tequila as Magenta
MTV star Parasite Hilton as Columbia
Brooke Hogan as Rocky Horror
John Norris as Riff Raff
Benji Madden as Eddie
The casts of Real World and Road Rules as the ensemble

I know I've said this a million times, but HOLLYWOOD IS DEAD. Gone. DEAD.

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Thanks Tonia

Did you know Lisa Marie Presley had a brother? Did you even give a fuck? Well, she does and he's a big ass drug dealer. Party at Brother Presley's house! I have a few friends that would sell their mother just for 7 minutes in that bedroom closet. 7 minutes in heaven!

The National Enquirer is not right for putting the text, "Shocking Photos That Could Destroy The Family" over a fug ass picture of Priscilla Presley's plastic face. Anyway, I'll be moving to Brother Presley's house as soon as I figure out where he lives.

This week, the Enquirer also has a story about Lynn Spears' "tragic secret." In 1975, when Lynne Spears was 20, she hit a 12-year-old boy with her car. He died. A family member said, "To this day, Lynne hasn't gotten over what she did. She gets that terrified look in her eye when she is thinking about it."

Lynne's rep confirmed the story, "It bothers Lynne still to this day. She really doesn't like to talk about it. She just wanted to forget that it ever happened - but she can't."

The Spears family can always count on one of their own to spill secrets for a quick buck.

Image: Cover Awards

Brit Brit and Justin Timberlake will record a duet for her next album. OK! Magazine sweeeaaars this is true. They pinky swear it!

Brit Brit's album is coming out sometime next year. A source said, "Britney is spending her summer in the recording studio, working on a brand new album. She's working with a team of top-notch producers and songwriters and we're very excited about what she's accomplished so far."

I'll believe it when I hear Brit Brit's Cheeto warble and Justin's gay baby whining together in one song. Even then, I won't believe it! Knowing Brit Brit, she'll just sing along to one of Justin's tracks. Justin TimberLAME is too busy licking his own boypuss to record a song with Brit.

In Justin's delusional mind, he should only duet with the likes of Kathleen Battle and shit.

Slap me with a 10-inch dick! There's no way Matthew Broderick cheated on My Little Pony Parker with a woman! Had the cover read "....With a 25-year-old pony" or "....With a 25-year-old dude," then I would believe it!

According to Star Magazine, Matthew met some 25-year-old youth counselor in a bar. Shortly after they met, Matthew and the redhead started text messaging and then they began seeing each other. The chick's friend claims they do sexy times at the townhouse of one of Matthew's friends. That must be some friend. I would never let one of my friends spread their genital fungus all over my good shit.

I doubt Matthew and the redhead were doing sexy times. They were playing Matthew's favorite game, "Broadway Divas." Matthew plays Ethel Merman and the redhead plays Gwen Verdon. Matthew is a total theater fag. My Little Pony doesn't play that game with Matthew, because she's too busy being the fucking breadwinner.

When asked for a comment, MLP said, "Neigh, Neigh, Neeeeeeiggggghhhh."