I Don't Like Jokes
Taylor Swift is once again showing all of us that we're in wrong line of work (unless you're line of work is waxing Anderson Cooper's butt cheeks... If that's the case, you're in the right line of work always.) and should've turned every entry from our Lisa Frank diaries into an annoying country pop song. Because if we did that, our asses would be the ones buying a $17 million mansion with cash.
TMZ says that Holly Hobbie's secret love child pulled 17 million $1 bills out of her Strawberry Shortcake coin purse and bought a 1930s 8 bedroom mansion in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. The 11,000 square foot mansion sits on 5.23 acres and has ocean views and a pool. It was originally listed for $20 million. Fun fact: Taylor's new mansion is exactly half of the size of Rhode Island itself, so if you're in Rhode Island, run before it's too late!
I asked myself, why in the shit does Taylor Swift need 8 bedrooms? But then I remembered that she needs an altar room devoted to the object of her current stalking affection, a revenge room devoted to the ex-pieces she'll write songs about, a room for her cat, a dressing room for her cat and a room big enough to house the huge telescope she'll use to spy on the neighbor's barely legal white son.
And here's pictures of the new Casa de Fuck You John Mayer. When Taylor's done with it, it's going to look like Disneyland ate Laura Ashley and then violently threw up into every room.
Star Magazine named Goopy Paltrow the Most Hated Celebrity in Hollywood last week and this week, People has named her the the World's Most Beautiful Woman. Of course, People chose a picture of Goopy thinking to herself, "You hate me because I AM beautiful." This is why the leaders of the planet are holding an emergency meeting this morning to talk about changing the meaning of the word "world," because human civilization refuses to be associated with this untruthful mess.
Dlisted's Most Insufferable Talking Fish Bone In A Blond Wig (for the 5th year running) spat out some bullshit to People about how she totally doesn't glide around her mansion in a $5,000 house gown and working out is just like brushing her teeth.
Goopy on how she's SOOOOO casual: "Around the house, I'm in jeans and a T-shirt. I don't really wear makeup. That's what they're used to. [My husband will] make a joke about it. If I've gotten fully dressed up, he'll be like, 'Oh, wow! You're Gwyneth Paltrow!' Because he's used to seeing me in like baggy shorts and frizzy hair."
Goopy on working out 5 days a week: "When I first started, I thought, 'I'll never be good at this. This is a nightmare!' But now it's like brushing my teeth, I just do it."
Wearing jeans around the house and working out like it's nothing? I can never trust a bitch who doesn't punch at the air and curse life when they're at the gym and who doesn't rip off their jeans as soon as they get home. A bitch is suspect to me when they don't free their thighs as soon as they walk through the front door.
No, Goopy Paltrow isn't the World's Most Beautiful Woman. But her publicist is the world's best publicist for getting Goopy some bullshit title in exchange for the exclusive news of her eventual divorce from Chris Martin. Congrats to Goopy's publicist!
Betrayal comes in many forms and today betrayal comes in the form of these pictures of Brit Brit Spears putting her mouth on a delicious cheesy grocery snack that didn't come from the sticky loins of Chester Cheetah. Brit Brit hasn't changed her weave and her love of fug footwear in years, and I figured that she would never change her undying devotion for Cheetos, but I was wrong. Brit Brit has cheated on Cheetos a few times before, but on Sunday, she did it in broad daylight and in front of the Cheetolings. Shameless!
This is the reason why Chester cries. It's also the reason why Chester will spend his night drowning his sorrows in Cheetos vodka while singing the lyrics to a Toni Braxton song. You know a ho's heart is really broken when they're singing some Toni Braxton shit.
Here's the first picture of Halle Berry's return as Storm in X-Men: Days of Future Past, brought to us by Bryan Singer's Twatter. Never mind that it looks like that suit is eating her neck, Storm shouldn't look like she went to the salon, opened up a copy of UsWeekly, pointed at a picture of Miley Cyrus' hair and told her stylist, "Give me that!" Bitch needs to use her own powers to blow that busted wig off of her head.
And that is the face of a woman who now knows that everybody knows that she's doing Seth MacFarlane.
Charlize Theron was supposedly sniffing all over Seth McFartlane's crotch at an Oscars after-party in February and now here they are leaving Matsuhisa in Beverly Hills last night. The humanized Peter Brady bobblehead doll has a smug look on his face that says "oh yeah, you know where my peen is going tonight" and Charlize Theron is making the true definition of a shame face. It's the same face a Craigslist one-night-stand makes when I see one of them out in public. I know that face!
Seth McFartlane always has a smug face on, but now he really has a reason to be a smug bitch. When you're getting naked with Charlize Theron on the regular, you're probably always happily smug no matter what happens to you. If Seth got food poisoning and spent the entire night barfing up shit and shitting up barf, he can stop for a second and let out a smug smile, because he reminded himself that he's fucking Charlize Theron. If Seth opens up a bag of delicious Gummy Bears and finds that they all melted together and formed a disgusting bar of gumminess (that's the worst), he can curse at the air for a second and then stop to let out a smug smile, because he remembered that he's fucking Charlize Theron. If he finds out that his entire family has been kidnapped by pirates, he can.....you know what I'm going to type.
Seth is directing Charlize in a movie, so this could've been a business thing, but her "yes, I'm hitting it and I'm not proud of it" face says everything.
Since murdering eardrums and showing off her new face on InTouch didn't get Farrah Abraham of Teen Mom enough attention, she's gone full shameless fame whore by pretending that the porn she made with porn star James Deen is a private sex tape that she doesn't want to get out. Don't you hate it when the planned fuck tape you made with a porn star in a studio while surrounded by two cameramen, three fluffers, a director and an entire crew GETS leaked onto the internet? That's the worst.
Earlier today, TMZ said that a sex tape starring Farrah's post-op Gargamel-looking ass was up for sale and Vivid was going to make an offer for it. They "caught" Farrah shopping for panties at Agent Provocateur in L.A. yesterday afternoon and they asked her about it. Farrah sort of denied it and then a few minutes later her last tattered brain cell tore in two when she tried to figure out what the word "elaborate" means. TMZ has the video of the silicone implant in Farrah's head exploding when their cameradude used a 3rd grade word around her, but if you don't feel like looking at her confused plastic face, here's the transcript:
TMZ: So, Farrah, can you elaborate a little bit on what we spoke about earlier?
Farrah: A library?
TMZ: No, "elaborate."
Farrah: E-lab-or-ate? Who are you and why are you asking me about a tape?
TMZ: Have you heard about this, though? That you have a sex tape that's out, that's being shopped around right now?
Farrah: I don't know. You know what? There should be no tape and if they're shopping it around, my lawyer's going to talk about that.
TMZ: Can you confirm its existence?
Farrah: I don't exist anything about that. I don't know what you're talking about. Personally that is going to make me upset, so I don't know why you would ask me about it.
TMZ: We have sources that say that they've seen the tape and it's an hour long.
Farrah: Who's your source? You know what? I think it's made up. People make shit up all the time.
TMZ: This could be advantageous to your career. A lot of young starlets get their start from these things.
Farrah: I'm not even worried about that. I work hard on my own professionally and I don't need sex tapes or any of that bullshit.
This bitch had to sound out the word "elaborate." In this dumb ho's defense, she was walking and talking at the same time and we all know that's really, really hard to do.
After Farrah bruised up the inside of her head while trying to form complete sentences, TMZ heard that James Deen was her sex tape co-star and so they asked him about it. James Deen admitted that he slapped his peen against Farrah's chocha in a sex tape. But James said that it was strictly professional and they got tested on Friday and shot the tape on Saturday.
You know, maybe Farrah's denials are authentic and genuine, because she is so damn stupid that she probably doesn't remember what she did 10 minutes ago let alone a day ago. If Farrah is as good at boning as she is at putting together a thought, then Kim Kartrashian will lose her title as the deadest lay in a sex tape.
Here's Farrah's silicone chichis melting like two Junior Mints left out in the sun while posing in some photo shoot yesterday.
"Ew, can you believe they don't have Manuka honey and duck eggs at the Bristol Farms around the corner? I didn't realize we were in the ghetto, girl," is probably what Goopy Paltrow said to Tracy Anderson at the opening of Tracy's flagship workout studio and Goopy's blow job bar in Brentwood, CA last night.
Goopy, Kim Kartrashian, Stacy Keibler and Natalie Green from Facts of Life all came out for the opening of Tracy's workout studio yesterday, but only because the muscular orange leprechaun threatened to release embarrassing videos of them doing her stupid ass cardio dance if they didn't show up. Speaking of embarrassing things, Goopy tells the Evening Standard Magazine (via E!) that Chris Martin can't cook with music on (HA! Like that bitch lets him cook), but she has to cook with music on and the music she plays is always hip-hop.
"He can't have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn't at home, I turn on the hip-hop—I'm like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook."
And that confirms it, those Goop kids are fucked, screwed, ruined and all of the above. Nothing puts scars on your soul and guarantees you a lifetime of intensive therapy like watching your rich, white, rhythmically-challenged mom rap along to a Biggie song as she throws $100 truffles into a gold saucepan full of beluga whale milk. When Apple and Moses become anti-hip hop and anti-cooking activists in a few years, we won't say shit, because we'll know what they've been through. We'll know.
If you don't want to spend an hour plus of your life watching the Carrie remake when it comes out on October, just watch the trailer, because it's the Cliffs Notes version on speed. It tells the entire plot of the story from beginning to end. Every single living breathing creature on this planet knows what happens to Carrie, but still. Just like me
after a few drinks, this trailer gives everything away fast. That's not even my biggest problem with this shit. My biggest problem is that Chloe Moretz and Julianne Moore are way too pretty and sane-looking for this. They both look like they just rolled out of a Marc Jacobs ad.
In what world would Chloe Moretz be bullied and beaten with tampons? If she went to my school, she'd be the one throwing tampons at a ho and she'd legitimately be prom queen. Was a Willis daughter not available to play Carrie's crazy, homely ass? Was OctoMom not available to play Carrie's mom? This needs more ugly and needs more crazy. I hope there's a CGI effect for that.
When Justin Bieber was in Norway last year, the Mayor of Oslo almost had to declare a State of Emergency after thousands of crazed Beliebers trampled over each other while trying to get to their Jesus. Bieber Fever is the #1 mental illness affecting children in Norway. So because of this, five schools in western Norway have moved midterm exams a week later so students can go and see the most famous dancing fetus in the world on April 16th and 17th and in Oslo.
Time says that the five schools are 230 miles away from Oslo, so students would have to miss exams to drive to and from the concert. Norway's education minister said that she's not going to shoot down the schools' decision:
“I am concerned that students should be concentrating when they take tests and midterms. The local schools have the responsibility to schedule the local midterms, and if they think there is any reason to change the dates, they have authority to do so. We’ve all been 14-years-old and know that interests can be intense.”
I just ate two raw hot dogs wrapped in two Kraft singles, so I'm obviously no expert when it comes to knowing what a good decision is, but I'm going to say that this is a good decision. If they didn't cancel midterms, half of the students would not show up, drop out of school, go on welfare, get pregnant and then raise their babies to be the next generation of Beliebers. The other half would show up with revenge in their hearts and they'd destroy all their teachers by blasting a bunch of Bieber songs.
But then again, knowing that he has the power to temporarily stop the education system in Norway is going to make Justin Bieber's already expanding head grow bigger. His head is just a few inches away from being as big as the planet. We're doomed either way.
Matt Lauer's Today show contract with NBC doesn't end until 2014, but the head bitches at the network want him to pack up all his shit and get out as soon as possible since everybody wants to repeatedly punch their TV when his face comes on the screen. NBC has apparently talked to Matt Lauer about leaving the show early and they've had talks with possible replacements including The Silver Fox (seen above as The Light Brown Slightly New Wave-ish Fox).
Deadline said last night that NBC had a meeting with Anderson Cooper about getting up at the walk of shame hour (aka like 3am) to co-host Today and he was into it. NBC wants The Silver Fox to replace Matt Lauer by the end of the year. When the executives at NBC asked Matt what he thought about the Silver Fox replacing him, he pretty much took three shits on that idea and then he personally called Anderson Cooper and took another three shits on that idea. Deadline's source said that Anderson was sort of shocked by Matt whining about how he doesn't want him to take the job, because he thought Matt was in on the replacement discussions from the start. But....
TMZ is hearing some different crap. They're hearing that Matt never called Anderson and that Matt is actually into the idea of Anderson replacing his smug ass. Matt even wants to talk to Anderson face-to-face about the job.
The good news is that I lost about 0.0004 pounds from all the eye rolling calisthenics I did while reading that story at TMZ. I totally believe that Matt farted all over The Silver Fox's parade and I totally believe that Matt Liar called TMZ and told them he didn't.
Nobody wants Matt Lauer, but apparently everybody wants Anderson Cooper. Not only is NBC trying to get a piece of his ass, but he also shot a pilot with Kathy Griffin for CNN.
I am totally into Anderson Cooper replacing Matt Lauer and I am totally into his CNN show with Kathy Griffin, but only if they replace Decatur Guthrie (or whatever her name is) with Grumpy Cat and replace Kathy Griffin with....Grumpy Cat. What I'm saying is that The Silver Fox and Grumpy Cat should be cloned so they can host everything together.