I Don't Like Jokes

Brenda Walsh better have something to say about this! Jennie Garth has officially joined the Beverly Hills 90210 remake as that ice bitch Kelly Taylor. Kelly will is a guidance counselor at West Beverly Hills High. The Hollywood Reporter is reporting that Jennie will not be a series regular. Thank God! I could never look at Kelly the same way again after what she did to Brenda!

Tori Spelling and Ian Ziering are also lobbying for parts. WTF! The only two bitches from the original show that should come back are Brenda and Nat from The Peach Pit. Seriously, they have to bring back Nat. Who the hell is going to help these twats with their problems while serving them shitty looking pie?

The remake also stars Lori Loughlin, Jessica Walter, AnnaLynne McCord, Dustin Milligan, Ryan Eggold and Shenae Grimes.

Below is a classic fight between Kelly and Dylan, because he doesn't listen to a thing she says. Um...Kelly....nobody does!

Not since Danny Noriega was voted off "American Idol" have I felt so cheated! One of the greatest musical talents this hour century, Chloe Lattanzi, did not win "Rock the Cradle" last night. This shit is fixed! Chloe was one of the three finalists along with Crosby Loggins and that douche with a mohawk. I forgot his name already. Crosby won. Zzzzzzzz. Chloe didn't even shed a tear! I expected her puffer lips to quiver until her head flew away.

Chloe will go on to bigger and better things. She's going to be a huge star in......Lithuania!

Brit Brit Spears was also in the audience to support Larry Rudolph who was one of the judges. I'm sure Brit Brit fell in love with Chloe's talent the same way I did. They will create beautiful music together that will make hearing aids everywhere explode.

Below is Chloe's duet with her mother, Olivia Newton-John. I think the stage was declared a disaster zone after that performance. I'm pretty sure that's the last we'll see of Chloe unless we move to Lithuania. I'm really tempted to do so. I can't live without this puffer fish with a voice like burnt glass.

Have you been looking for the perfect tacky ass outfit for your 6-year-old daughter to work the ho track in? Well, House of Derriere has the answer to all your problems! Beyonce and Mama Knowles really do think about the needs of everyone.

PopGumbo had this to say about this Dereon Girls ad , "What is the next ad going to look like? Babies wearing gold metallic bikinis while five-year old boys throw Monopoly money on them." Shhhh! Shush it! Don't give Mama Knowles any ideas. She probably loves that concept, but she'll make the babies pose on top of a Bentley.

These little girls might be able stand up in 6-inch heels, but can they "drop it like it's hot" just like Beyonce? Seriously, these little girls are going to have effed up high-heel feet by the time they are 9!

ABC News has declared that bushy eyebrows are back! I don't think I ever got the telegram that they ever left. They claim Ashley Olsen's bushy caterpillars caused a "commotion" at the Costume Institute Gala. A commotion? Did Ash's bush brows cause Anna Wintour to choke on a buffalo wing or something?

That troll's brows ain't shit! Look at Lourdes! That's how you do bushy brows the right way. Ash needed to go home and try again.

Fuck this bushy brow "trend." We should stand together united against it. We should all take a Lady Bic to our eyebrows and draw on new one with a Sharpie. If you don't have a Sharpie, you can burn down a match for a few seconds and use that. You go first....

I mean, look at this bitch below. This kind of chola glamour will never go out of style. It's timeless.

Ryan Gaycrest already has a radio show, a TV job on E!, American Idol and now comes word that he may violate our TV screens even more. The Scoop reports that Gaycrest is in talks to replace Larry King later next year. CNN must really despise this country.

Gaycrest regularly fills in when Larry goes and gets his heart restarted. A sourcie said that Gaycrest is looking to make a serious change in his career, “He's so serious about his career, but like anyone, he wants it to evolve. Hosting ‘Larry King’ would be perfect for him." If he wants a serious change, might I suggest early retirement? I'm sure there's a deserted island somewhere with his name on it.

A spokeswhore for Gaycrest would not comment.

Don't you fret, this disaster will never take place. Larry King is never retiring, because he will live on forever. Zombies don't die.

Thanks Mike

Entertainment Weekly has the first pictures of Josh Brolin as George W. Bush and Elizabeth Banks as Laura Bush for the movie "W." Unfortunately, this is not directed by Christopher Guest and it's not a comedy. Oliver Stone is directing this ass fuck extravaganza which beings shooting in a couple of weeks.

Elizabeth Banks is no Laura Bush. She looks more like your pill-popping auntie that is on welfare, but wears cheap suits she buys from Filene's Basement to try and look high-class. Josh Brolin looks like a vacuum salesman by day and a child toucher by night.

Kermit and Miss Piggy would have made a better Dubay and Laura.

This Razzie front-runner will also star Thandie Newton as Condi Rice, Jeffrey Wright as Colin Powell, Ellen Burstyn as Barbara Bush, James Cromwell as George Bush and Rob Corddry as Ari Fleischer. My butthole is currently in talks to play Dick Cheney. No deal has been finalized.

Cocaine, naked gays, used needles and a baby with a painted face are just a few things I think of when it comes to Lil' Kim. David LaChapelle shot Lil' Kim as the Virgin Mary for some kind of possibly new promo shot. I'm not sure what she's promoting exactly....

This would make the perfect Christmas card, but I would need to photoshop my face over baby's face. Leave the children out of it!

UPDATE: That shit is as fake as Lil Kim's titties! The picture was made by a fan for a Lil' Kim fansite. They took an old picture by photographer Justin Monroe and photoshopped Kim's face on the model's face. That's that! Kim did not pose for the Virgin Mary and David LaChapelle did not take this picture. Below is picture proof.

If you stare deep enough into White Oprah's nostrils in the picture above, you can see Colombia.....

Anyway, when I heard Mingling Moms named White Oprah as one of their "Mothers of the Year," I thought it was a really late April Fool's Joke. It wasn't. White Oprah showed up yesterday to pick up her $2 plaque. Mingling Moms could have at least put White Oprah instead of Dina Lohan on that shit.

Newsday asked 45-year-old White Oprah what kind of advice she gives to HoHan, WO said, "Just to be honest and to stay morally correct. And listen to your mother." She forgot to add, "And steal more fur coats, because my mortgage is due."

The HBIC of Mingling Moms said this about WO, "Dina is such a dedicated mom. Through all the ups and downs of Lindsay, she has been by her side.” The last part of that quote must have been cut off. It should read "by her side doing lines."

Here's some pics of White Oprah with her momma at the awards ceremony yesterday.

Yes, this picture is old as fuck. It's definitely more scandalous than that Vanity Fair nonsense if you ask me. So...Miley Cyrus' gums and teeth made their first public appearance yesterday since that VF non-scandal. Miley performed at the Disney Channel Games concert yesterday in Orlando.

After Miley dazzled the audience with her gleaming chompers, she said to them, "I saw a sign back there that said, 'Miley, I'm praying for you.' I could not be more appreciative. Thank you guys for all your support. Without you, none of this would be possible. I love every one of you and I could not be more appreciative. God bless you."

The event's co-star, Jason Earles, told the Orlando Sentinel, "She's one of the strongest people I've ever met. She'll do everything to make sure she does right by her fans. It will be all right."

It was just a little exposed back a little creepy cuddle with daddy? What's to pray for? They need to save their prayers for things that really matter........like Jason Castro beating the Davids and winning American Idol. Pray for that!

Miley still goes home, goes to the computer, brings up her checking account balance and sees at least 8 zeros! Ok, first she takes pictures of herself in bra and panties and THEN she looks at her checking account balance.

Suri and those two creepy aliens were in NYC today. I should stalk their asses and throw water on Katie to see if she malfunctions.

Did Suri get into Tommy Girl's Miss Clairol stash, because homegirl's hair looks lighter. I know it's the thing in Hollywood to go lighter, but the girl is 2. She should at least wait until she's 3! What's next? A titty job?

I'm sure it's natural. Suri keeps it real. Seriously, she probably just walked in on Tommy Girl doing Xenu knows what and her hair went light from the shock of it all.

And someone should really check Suri into Promises for her barley water addiction. It's getting a little out of hand. We're going to find her roaming the farms and fields jonesing for a barley fix.