I Don't Like Jokes

And today's Dumb Bitch of the Day award goes to Miguel for kicking a girl in the head and nearly decapitating another girl at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas tonight. It's a good thing those girls didn't die (I think), because there's nothing worse than dying at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas by the legs of a cockatoo named Miguel. It's not even the Grammys! And he's not even Prince! Sure, I'd like a face full of Miguel crotch but not if it means I'm going to get my head cut off.

These girls are totally calling Gloria Allred right now and they're going to sue the Cockatoo hair right off of Miguel's head. And if you need to see the video of this attempted murder, here you go:

You dumb, stupid shit, Miguel! Hugging that blond woman is not going to be those girls' heads back on their bodies.

Last night's season finale of Saturday Night Live was filled with a bunch of Bye, Bitch! moments. Fred Armisen said farewell with a song. My eyeballs said farewell to my sockets when they rolled out of there while watching Kanye perform. Bill Hader said goodbye by almost crying at the end. And Stefon went out with an (almost) marital bang from The Silver Fox.

Because Stefon just couldn't wait around for Seth Meyers to stop ignoring their love, he left Weekend Update to marry Anderson Cooper in front of dozens of club kids. If they're ever going to make a remake of The Graduate, Stefon, the Silver Fox and Seth Meyers should star in it.

Yes, it's true that Seth and Stefon belong together, but who in the hell leaves Anderson Cooper at the altar? Isn't that against the law? I'd sell my entire family to the Russian mafia to get the Silver Fox to wink at me (with his brown eye, of course) and Stefon runs out on his ass without even thinking about it? But I guess, such is the mystery of Stefan.

And since NBC is still prejudiced against non-US countries, I don't think you can watch the skit above if your IP isn't an American citizen. But the only thing you need to know is that Stefon doesn't kiss Seth and he doesn't kiss the Silver Fox. I know, they should do the skit over again, but with more tongue this time.

First we find out that Antoine Dodson is un-gaying himself, then we find out that Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey was in prison for committing domestic abuse years ago and now THIS! If Sweet Brown is arrested on arson charges, then the Internet needs to take its final bow and exit the stage.

Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker might soon be known as Kai the Hatchet Wielding Murderer. ABC 30 says that police in Union City, New Jersey have issued a warrant for Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker (born name: Caleb Lawrence McGillvary). Police believe that Kai used something (probably his hatchet) to smash smash smu-ash a man to death. Joseph Galfy, the victim, was found dead inside his home three days ago. Authorities say that an autopsy showed that Joseph Galfy died from blunt force trauma to the head. The authorities didn't say what Joseph Galfy's relationship to the stoner homeless Thor was, but they did say that Kai cut his hair and was last seen getting on a train.

The police consider him armed and dangerous. DUH! He has a hatchet.

Kai became an internet hero superstar earlier this year when he beat down a crazy racist who was violently attacking a woman in Fresno.

Life was so much simpler then. Those were the days when Kai used his hatchet for good instead of evil. ....Unless, maybe Joseph Galfy was an evil doer and Kai is like a hatchet-wielding stoner Dexter. Yeah, probably not. This has smash smash smuh-ashed my heart into a million pieces. I don't know the Internet anymore!

UPDATE: A dude on Facebook who could be Kai left this on his wall on Tuesday:

what would you do if you woke up with a groggy head, metallic taste in your mouth, in a strangers house... walked to the mirror and seen come dripping from the side of your face from your mouth, and started wretching, realizing that someone had drugged, raped, and blown their fuckin load in you? what would you do?

So I guess the answer is smash smash smu-ash that someone to death and then skip town?

(Thanks, Grace) 

Not pictured: The dozens of hands coming for Karolina Kurkova's blond ponytail. Somebody needed to yank that ginge-stealing hussy tramp's hair and drag her away for shamelessly air kissing on Prince Hot Ginge in front of all of us. And if we could see Karolina Kurkova's face, you know she'd be saying, "And he's anointing me with his scepter too, you jealous whores," with her eyes. It's like eating warm hot carrot bread in front of a starving orphan.

The clouds are covering the sun, millions of genitals have gone into hibernation and we can all put our lube with SPF away, because Prince Hot Ginge has finished scooting across America and is going back to England today. The last stop on PHG's tour was a charity polo match in Greenwich, Connecticut yesterday afternoon.

It's a sad day in America, but PHG will be back in a few months for the birth of his quadruplets with Karolina Kurkova (yes, air kissing with PHG immediately leads to a severe case of the BABIES!!) and the birth of his ginger centaur baby with the horse he rode in yesterday's match (yes, PHG can knock up a horse even when he rides it with protection).

And Karolina Kurkova should shellac the inside of her nostrils, because she's obviously inhaling a huge PHG fart here. Never wash your nose again, KK.

During an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to JFK, the spirit of Whitney Houston took over the body of a passenger who couldn't stop singing Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You (in the style of Nippy)." Another passenger told CNN that the song "I Will Always Love You" is forever embedded deep into their brain, because Nippy 2.0 would not stop telling the entire plane through song that she loved them. Nippy 2.0 did not stop spitting out tattered musical notes from her mouth and it got so annoying that they had to stop in Kansas City to hand her over to the police. (Note to self: If I'm ever on a flight from LAX to JFK and want to eat some Kansas City ribs, just start singing some Whitney Houston shit until they escort me off the plane.)

A rep for the Kansas City International Airport told CNN, "The passenger was detained, not arrested, and then released pending further investigation by the TSA (Transportation Safety Administration) and federal air marshals. I can confirm that she was singing 'I Will Always Love You' as she was escorted off the plane."

The rep didn't say if the passenger went full Whitney by screaming "BOBAAAAAAY B" in the hallways before asking hos to pop her doody bubble.

The passenger told authorities that she has diabetes and that's why she freaked out. If you're side-eyeing that "diabetes" excuse, let me side-eye you right back. Because one time my grandmother's blood sugar levels got low and she opened the kitchen cabinets and started throwing food everywhere. So it happens.

And since when can you not take pictures on the plane? When a plane makes an emergency landing in Kansas City because a mile high songbird won't stop belting out a Dolly Parton song, everyone's going to pull out their phones to document it. Doesn't that flight attendant know what world she lives in?

Page Six says that the Duke of Douches, James Franco, might be rubbing his nipples all over the Mother of Dragons, Emilia Clarke, from Game of Thrones. I wonder how Emilia Clarke feels about doing a dude whose lip liner game beats hers? And I wonder how James Franco feels about doing a chick whose eyebrow situation beats his? When James isn't painting an abstract on Emilia's crotch with his paint brush peen, she can help him to elevate his eyebrow game and he can help her to elevate her lip liner game.

Some witness type says that James and Emilia got all close at the Frieze art fair on Randalls Island in Manhattan on Saturday afternoon. The witness says that they were talking and flirting and "were looking quite friendly!”

Emilia Clarke's last fuck buddy was Seth MacFarlane, so I'm sensing a theme here... Either the number one item on Emilia's cum bucket list is to spin her cooch on the biggest douches in Hollywood or the number one item on Emilia's cum bucket list is to spin her cooch on every past Oscar host. Whoopi Goldberg, lube up, bitch, because you could be next!

The Sun says that international fashion icon Suri Cruise has signed (or scribbled) a $2.3 million deal to start her own fashion line for children called Suri. Since this is coming from The Sun, then the chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of Tommy Girl twirling out of the Scientology closet and becoming a spokesperson for GLAAD and the head pharmaceutical rep for the makers of Prozac. But I wish this was made of organic truthiness.

The Sun says that Suri's fashion line will hit New York department stores first and if toddlers with their own credit cards buy it all up, the plan is put the line into department stores across the country. Some source (aka The Sun's intern who was forced to come into the office on a bank holiday) said, “Suri is only seven but she is incredibly interested in clothes. She has been through a very difficult year and adapted amazingly to her new life in New York, including the upheaval of starting normal school. This is a nice hobby for her, it’s certainly not going to take over her life. Most girls dream of being able to make their own clothes, this just means her drawings will now become a reality. It’ll be interesting to see how it pans out, there’s nothing around quite like it.”

The world really, really does need a Suri Cruise fashion line. Suri has probably stopped trying to help Katie Holmes, because that homely, raggedy thing is a lost cause (see pictures of Katie Holmes looking like a homely, raggedy thing last month), but maybe she can help others be a more fashionable them. There are so many toddlers out there looking a damn mess. You don't know how many times I see a toddler out there in sweats, t-shirts, sneakers and normal kid clothes that every normal kid should wear and think to myself, "How could they crawl out of the house looking like that?"

So we really do need Suri to teach the children of the world how to dress. The Sun's article is fiction, but hopefully it turns into fact and Suri puts out a line of $500 kitten heels and daddy & me matching skinny jeans (in the same size!).

Meanwhile, Blue Ivy Carter is down in her studio, drooling out sketches of one-of-a-kind couture gowns for toddlers of the half percent. Making off-the-rack clothes for kids is so GAUCHE!

Being a supermodel and ho stroll icon is hard work and extremely exhausting. Every night before bed when Phoebe Price takes out her chicken cutlet cheeks and puts them in a vacuum-sealed freezer bag for maximum freshness, she prays that the gods above will gift her with more time in the day so she can do everything she needs to do. This is PP's average day:

Pick out the perfect ho stroll outfit (that takes 6 hours)
Plump up her cheeks with a quick hormone injection (25 minutes)
Text a meeting place to the paparazzi (30 seconds)
Drive to paparazzi meeting spot on the ho stroll (4 hours, it's only 9 miles away, but this is L.A.)
Wait for them to show up (2 hours)
Text them again (30 seconds)
Wait for them to show up (3 hours)
Text them again and this time promise a $5 Starbucks gift card (30 seconds)
Wait for them to show up (2 hours)
Give them the $5 Starbucks gift card when they show up (3 seconds)
POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! POSE! (3 minutes)
Drive back home (4 hours)
Bedazzle a bunch of hats while personally answering fan mail (6 hours)

I just totaled all that up and that's more than 27 hours. How does she do it? And on top of that, she has to take care of her dog Henry? So THANK GOD Phoebe Price got a nanny who can now push Henry Price around in a stroller and give her some much-needed relief. Henry Price's nanny isn't throwing a downcast side-eye, because she thinks this whole thing is a mess. She's throwing a downcast side-eye, because she's grateful that she can help such a hard-working supermodel.

Some people thought that Duchess Kate would birth out a future queen named Diana Elizabeth Jodie (as in "Jodie Marsh" as in the true Queen of England) after she supposedly spit out the news on accident a couple of months ago, but Prince Hot Ginge is telling hos something else. The Mirror says that PHG is running his ginger mouth and telling everybody that a future king will slip out of Duchess Kate's vagina royale and not a future queen.

My guess is that PHG let a heavy stream of the sweet nectar trickle down his throat and when that happens, he either starts spilling all the royal family secrets or he pulls his panties off and does the dick slappy dance for a bunch of hos. Sadly, he did the former instead of the latter and is telling everyone that he's going to get a nephew. Some source said this:

“Harry has been telling everyone Wills and Kate are having a boy and how thrilled he is at the prospect of having a little nephew. He said the whole family were excited about it. Apparently Kate has always wanted a boy. They’re really working hard on baby names now and think they have it sorted. But they won’t reveal anything to ­anyone – not even Harry. Of course, Harry’s been making up crazy suggestions and winding them up too. The close inner circle all know that it’s a boy and they’re busily buying gifts with a boy theme. There will be an awful lot if blue in their house.”

People shouldn't be wondering if Duchess Kate is going to pop out a boy or a girl or a giant set of teefs with no genitals. What people should be wondering is if the ginger gene that blessed PHG is going to bless Prince William's kid too, because that's the only thing that matters. The world has enough kings and queens (see: the line in front of the check-in counter at the Scientology VIP bath house), but it can never have too many gingers.

Seen above making a subtle "Why am I posing in a sexy photo shoot with this bitch? Why do I keep taking this bitch back? Why me?" face, Shawn Holley took Lindsay Lohan back as a client yesterday after the freckled tornado begged her to. LiLo is now enemy #1 of The Little People Legal League, because she apparently told Lawyer Man Willow to get out of her life and go back to the forest from which he came from. LiLo fired Mark Heller and got Shawn Holley to take her back.

Radar says after LiLo quit rehab after being there for 2 minutes, prosecutors were planning to ask for an arrest warrant if she didn't check back in before midnight. LiLo went on the run and I figured she was just headed to Mexico to live out her destiny by becoming the day-shift mistress to a drug lord. But no, LiLo spent her day calling Shawn Holley to beg her old lawyer to take her back. Shawn Holley took LiLo back and immediately started negotiating with prosecutors. TMZ says that it was Mark Heller's idea for LiLo to go to Morningside Recovery and she didn't want to do it. When LiLo heard that Morningside Recovery didn't have a license to treat, she refused to stay there.

At the last minute, Shawn Holley got the prosecutors to let LiLo check into the Betty Ford Center instead. LiLo checked in right before midnight and the prosecutors dropped their plans to ask for an arrest warrant. LiLo has been in Betty Ford before, but she left after she got drunk and got into a fight with a staff member who later sued her ass. And now she's back!

The judge still has to sign off on Betty Ford, but since he'd sign off on LiLo rehabbing in a bar, I'm sure he'll sign off on Betty Ford. So....let's recap this entire mess:

LiLo was supposed to check into the Seafield Center in the Hamptons, she checks into Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach instead..... and nothing happens to her ass.

LiLo was supposed to be in rehab yesterday, she bails on that bitch.... and nothing happens to her ass.

LiLo begs Shawn Holley to be her lawyer again in exchange for at least 3 mentions in TMZ daily and a year supply of blowjobs for Shawn's entire family..... and Shawn takes her back.

LiLo beat a bitch's ass ain Betty Ford.... and Betty Ford takes her back.

We already know that LiLo is a demon wrapped in pork leather, but when are we going to find out that she has the power to wish her enemies into Hell (aka White Oprah's bedroom) when they don't do what she wants, because it's obvious that everyone is scared of her ass.

(Pic via THR)