I Don't Like Jokes

Justin Bieber, the 15-year-old fetus boy with lesbian emo hair who is currently the new Jesus in the eyes of tweens, was scheduled to perform at Roosevelt Field Mall on Long Island today, but it was canceled after thousands of screaming girls went hysterical. They really need to start slipping Valium in school lunches.

Some girls waited over 20 hours, and by this afternoon the crowd had became too much for mall security to handle. TMZ says that shit got real when a dumb fuck employee at Abercrombie Kids shouted to the crowd that Justin was inside their store. That was the code word for the thousands of girls to bust their hymens by trampling all over each other to get inside the store. People were decapitated, the mall was set on fire and now a mob of zombie girls are terrorizing the streets of Long Island. No, but the police were called.

In the end, the event was canceled and someone in Justin's "camp" was arrested for whatever reason. Also, a young girl was taken to the nearest hospital by ambulance after she was injured. Justin took to his Twitter to beg the crazies to go home before anyone else got hurt.

I only have one question: Where in the hell was Officer Dustin and taser gun when we really needed him?!

A police officer in Arkansas was suspended with pay after he tasered a 10-year-old girl who was throwing a fit on the floor. The officer was not suspended for electrocuting the girl. He was suspended because he did not have a camera with him to record the incident. The police department was probably pissed about the camera thing, because they figured footage like that would've won them first place on America's Funniest Home Videos. Ugh.

It all started when the 10-year-old refused to take a shower and go to bed. The girl did what most 10-year-olds do when they don't get their way - she threw a fit. Most good mothers would give the girl a cocktail or a bong to calm her down. But this dumb ass mother called the police.

When Officer Dustin Bradshaw showed up to the home, he found the girl (who is 4'6" and weighs 65 pounds) screaming and kicking. According to the police report, the mother told Officer Dustin that he could tase her if he needed to. Officer Bradshaw wrote in the report that he tried to get the girl to stop by telling her she was going to jail, but homegirl was not scared. She is obviously a proud graduate of Latarian Milton's University of Hood Rat Stuff.

Officer Dustin stepped up his game and tried to handcuff the girl. She fought with him and ended up kicking him in the nuts. That's when Officer Dustin said he "lightly stunned" her in the back. The girl stopped fighting and Officer Dustin was able to handcuff her. She wouldn't walk, so he had to carry her to the police car. She was then transported to a youth shelter.

The police chief pretty much stood by his officer's decision. He said that the girl will be charged with disorderly conduct and the officer won't face additional disciplinary action.

The girl's father however wants the Arkansas State Police to investigate the incident. If they won't, he's going to ask the FBI for help. He said, "My daughter does not deserve to be tased and be treated like an animal."

Everyone is going CRAZY! Babies are getting slapped by strange pepaws at Wal-Mart! Kids are getting maced by drag queens on the subway! And now little girls are getting tasered by police officers while their mothers shake their heads in approval. What the hell is next? We shouldn't be surprised if we hear about a kindergarten teacher engaging in a shoot out with her students on the playground.

Sources: Fox News and TSG

UsWeekly is saying that Ceiling Eyes has bagged another hot piece. According to their asses, Ceiling Eyes is now looking up to Mark Salling (aka Puck the MILF lover from Glee).

Some hos spotted Ceiling Eyes and Puck getting close at Voyeur in Los Angeles last Thursday. The two spent 45-minutes talking into each other's ears and laughing about how she can never see her own toes. Ceiling Eyes and Puck left in separate cars, but apparently followed each other to continue the fun and games elsewhere.

Just add Puck to Ceiling Eyes' long list of prime dick including: Chris Pine, Corey Bohan (no relation to Blohan) and that Justin Bobby douche.

What the hell is the secret to Ceiling Eyes fuckcess? Maybe dudes are charmed by her permanent case of "dick sucking" eyes? Or maybe she just has a really good publicist. Yeah, my nipples are pointing to the latter.

Earlier this week, the newly refurbished Amy Wino checked herself into the clinic, because she had a strange reaction to some over-the-counter cold medication she was taking. According to her daddy, Wino didn't have a leaky nose, bitch just had another leaky boob in her life (the other being her father).

While filming his new TV show (don't get any ideas, Michael Lohan), Mitch Wino set the record straight about why Wino was laid up in the hospital, "It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little (Mitch points to his chest) leaky something or other."

Wino's titty wasn't leaking, it was crying tears of pain due to Mitch Wino always staring them down while playing with something in his pocket. My nipple is crying just thinking about it. Or maybe I just had too much soy milk with my rum last night.

One of Wino's friends told The Mirror that her crack ball did indeed CRACK, "She saw something oozing out on to her top. She was worried as they looked wonky and to see stuff seeping out was horrible."

Um. Wino has already been declared a toxic zone by the Department of Health, so if strange substances weren't oozing out of Wino's pores, THAT be cause for concern.

And I'm surprised Wino was worried at all. I would think she would just scrape up the silicone jizz, throw it on a spoon, take a lighter to it and smoke it up.

via The Sun

Sofia Vergara was on The View today and they got to talking about how young she looks for having an 18-year-old son. Sofia joked that she had him when she was 13 after she was raped (in real-life Sofia's son is 17 and she had him when she was 20).

Now, usually when the word "rape" comes up on daytime TV, the lights go down, the studio audience is shuttled out the exit door and Diane Sawyer comes out to ask some "serious" questions. But most The View hens and the audience just laughed away. Well, all of them except for Whoopi Goldberg, who was probably thinking to herself, "But was it RAPE-RAPE?"

via Jezebel

Since I'm pretty much riding the ass of this "Levi Johnston in Playgirl" saga, here's the first teaser image from his full spread. It really isn't much, but we do get to see the pube bush on his pit. Although, Levi shouldn't be so quick to show off his wolf pit. A certain Palin would shoot it from a plane if she saw it running out in the wild.

Playgirl plans to unload a few more pictures in the next few days, none of which will contain full peen. Boo.

via Towleroad

A river of popped cherry juice and panty pudding flowed through the streets of Westwood, CA last night during the New Moon premiere. If you live in the area, you might have been wondering why your cats were howling and your dogs were meowing. Well, now you know.

You know what bothers me about kids today? They have no RESPECT for the English language. For instance, look at how that girl in the picture above completely butchered a gorgeous curse word. How do we expect our youth to be the leaders of tomorrow if they can't even curse right? I mean, what the hell is a SHIZNIT? That sounds like something you'd find on the tip of a dick after messy butt sex.

Anyway, here's some pictures from last night's premiere. Some hos were obviously only there for the free photo-op. They are: Shar Jackson, Mary Murphy, 50 Cent, Richie Sambora (with his daughter) and JLove with that Jamie Kennedy dude.

Also at the premiere were Joan Jett (to hold Kristen Stewart's "hand"), one of the wolfies, that hot piece from Glee, the Glee kids, Stephanie Meyer (the bitch responsible for all of this), a homeless man in a fancy suit, Dakota Fanning, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner.

Alex Reid's full-time cock tucker, Katie Price, went on Chelsea Handler's show last night to promote how she flies all the way to Los Angeles to get fucked in the face with a Botox needle. File this under: You might be a famewhore if.....

The Sun seems to think that Katie Price was left "humiliated" after Chelsea destroyed her during the interview, but I didn't see it that way. First of all, she's Katie Price, so she humiliates herself as soon as she leaves the house (Harvey will get me for that one). Second of all, Chelsea was kind of easy on Katie. She only said that Katie will take Alex straight to the middle (true). And that she should be proud of herself for writing 33 books, even if they are for children. Those burns aren't going to leave a mark. Besides, Katie even puts make-up in the insides of her ears, so I doubt she even heard Chelsea dogging her.

And yes, it is totally fitting that there's a ticking time bomb countdown at the top of this clip.

It's nice to see that Andre Agassi's old wig is still getting work these days. It really brings out the "dopey" in Derek Jeter's eyes, right? Anyway, here's Jeter on Coney Island today shooting a cameo as a homeless dude in Marky Marky and Will Ferrell's new movie The Other Guys.

Derek Jeter as a homeless man is really fucking ironically hilarious (embrace the sarcasm), because in real-life he could buy hundreds of homeless people to take turns plucking his ass hairs out one by one. Actually, that's really depressing. Let's just go back to pointing and farting on that mop of cat tails on his head.

And duh, I'd even hit that shit from the front while wearing that gutter ass wig.

It didn't take long for Lady CaCa to get her Illuminati puppet paws on Brit Brit and drag her over to the dark side. Our Lady of Cheetos announced on her Twitter this morning that she's lip-synching for Satan now! I knew there was a good reason as to why that "3" song made me want to was wash my ears out with boiling water from the fiery pits of hell.

Yeah, obviously this is the work of some computer savvy kangaroo who is still sore about her bringing the bores to her Australian shows. That shifty roo! I mean, we all know Brit Brit worships the Dairy Queen, and not Satan. Although, I get the two confused all the time.

Below is Brit Brit dodging tomatoes and heads of lettuce while leaving her hotel in Melbourne yesterday with her Cheetolings and her man.