Trolls

Small woodland countries and birds already stay away from Mary-Kate Olsen, because she's an evil little troll who has been known to pick at them with her claws and chew on their nails. But now you can add bats to the list of creatures who aren't flying near that bitch, because she has the face of the Prince of Darkness. Seriously, MK is one chewed-off-bat-head away from becoming a tiny Ozzy Osbourne.

Here's Ozzy Olsen riding through the East Village in NYC yesterday with her boyfriend, Duckie from Pretty In Pink (aka Nate Lowman).

Phil Spector was just found guilty of second-degree murder in the murder of Lana Clarkson in 2003. Lana was found shot to death in Phil's home in Alhambra. Phil was tried for her murder in 2007, but the jury couldn't come up with a verdict. They did this time however and now Phil will have to find a way to cut his hair with a plastic spork in the big house. You know how he feels about his mop. Phil could get at least 18 years.

Ding, dong, the shaggedy-haired troll witch is finally getting his. Phil shouldn't be too weepy though. He's a shoo-in for Miss Inmate USA '09. His luscious locks will win him the top prize.

Source: LAist

THAT'S SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!!! And yes it fucking is. This stupid ass Mary-Kate Olsen troll is trying to look as elderly as possible when she should be dressing all slutty while she can get away with it. Bitch probably smells like moth balls, cat piss and White Shoulders dusting powder. Her pockets are probably filled with caramel square wrappers. You really just want to help her memaw ass across the street. She'll thank you by giving you a nickle. She'll also call you "Daniel" even though you've told her your name is Michael. Seriously, old ass bitches are always calling me Daniel!

Here's Granny Olsen shuffling into a car in NYC earlier today. Granny forgot her cane!

Mary-Kate Olsen rolled out from under the bridge and didn't even bother combing out the squirrel's nest on her hair. She must have misplaced her comb made out of children's nails and ferret bones. But I think this evil troll does it on purpose. You see, her hair may look like the inside of a used vacuum bag to us, but to little furry creatures it looks like a comfy place to live. And that's how she gets them!

The innocent furries of the forest think they have found utopia when they lay their tired bones on her head, but what they've found is their death place! Bitch clubs them over the head and cackles with glee because she has a new mitten, coat, g-string or nipple cover. Pure evil.

Here's the troll saying "pruuuuuuune" at The Metropolitan Opera's 125th Anniversary Gala thing in NYC last night. The nest on her head is also how she trapped her date. That boy child looks like he was raised in the trees and eats mostly bird seed with that itty bitty mouth of his.

The gremlin gymnast known as Hayden Pantyairs is making life shit for Milo Ventimiglia on the set of Heroes ever since they broke up. That's what OK! Magazine claims. According to some friend (yeah, what a wonderful fucking friend), Hayden is trying to get her former fuck times partner kicked off the show.

The friend said, "She refuses to be on the set at the same time as him. She is making it difficult for everyone involved. He’s not going to play any games or stoop to her level."

The troll's speaking bitch says this rumor is made of lies. And the only way Milo can stoop to her level is if he jumps into the basement with the Basement Horse.

Hayden should quit trying to so hard. Milo is going to get kicked off the show soon, but so is everybody else, because that shit is headed to the toilet bowl any day now. She should spend her times wrestling pigs or whatever the hell she likes to do.

And what does Milo expect? Hayden is a fucking toddler. This is how they behave when they get their toys taken away. Bitch is also probably calling him from a blocked phone in the middle of the night, riding her Big Wheel by his house at all hours and breaking into his e-mail to write herself notes as him that say shit like "You are the most beautiful troll in the world. I want to stick you on my pencil and carry you around forever." True fact. I've done the last one, minus the troll shit.

This is why you shouldn't shit where you eat. You know, I've never understood that saying. Who hasn't gone caca while eating? Don't lie! It's too early for that. I mean, you're sitting there, bored and it's going to come out anyway.

If you're something called a Hayden Panettiere, don't go around acting like you're hot caca. Because you're fucking not. Apparently, at some event in Hawaii this past weekend, the angry Gremlin brought her cunt show to the red carpet.

UsWeekly says that at a benefit for the Rehabilitation Hospital of the Pacific Foundation in Honolulu, Hayden flipped out at photographers and reporters. Before posing for pictures, she yelled "Back up!" When a TV reported touched her on the shoulder to get her attention, Hayden screamed, "Don't you ever touch me!" Hayden finally had enough, but before she stomped off, she told reporters, "You all make my life miserable!"

She's even making the whales cry!

Somebody stick this troll on the end of a pencil and shove her into the bottom drawer. I swear. She should have stomped into that rehab hospital and checked herself in. Bitch needs to eat a large piece of Valium pie (delicious!) and chill out in a Calgon bath. But I'd probably be all sorts of cunty too if I was no longer riding the Milo peen express.

Here's the angry troll arriving at LAX yesterday with Darin Brooks from Days of Our Lives. How does she keep landing sort-of hot dudes? These dudes must have a fetish for mutant gymnasts or something.

Let's all welcome Milo Ventimiglia back into the world of reality, because he's finally woken up from his troll-loving haze by splitting up with Hayden Panatroll. That's what UsWeekly claims. Some source told them that 31-year-old Milo and 19-year-old Hayden ended their 1-year-old relationSHIT last week. The source went on to say, "It was a lifestyle conflict. They were in very different places. Hayden is young. She likes to go out in the Hollywood scene and that's not his style."

At least we can finally remove the PedoBear-approved stamp from Milo's taint. I don't even know what he saw in that sausage troll to begin with. She's like Gary Coleman to me. Bitch is going to be like 40, looking like a little 13-year-old. That will never be hot. If I was a hostess at a restaurant and Hayden walked in, I'd immediately grab a high chair for her little ass. That has to kill the romantic mood of her dates. You know, she's not even THAT short. She's like 5", but still looks like she can easily fit in a hot dog bun. Strange.

If Milo wants a midgelet, he should get with one that will take it like a big bitch. I'm talking about La Pequena, of course. And now that Hayden is free, she can go marry a whale or whatever.

And "lifestyle conflict" means she wouldn't do it in the butt, right?

While some of you are considering sucking dick in a back alley way to pay your rent this month, Mary-Kate Olsen is skipping through department stores and having the greatest time ever!

Page Six claims the evil troll was in an elevator at Barney's and said this: "It's really sad - the recession is everywhere. But at least they are having good sales. That's where I got this! The recession!"

Not everyone is punching at their overdue bills or climbing down the fire escape to avoid the landlord!! Yes, take comfort in that fact while you're trying to make a hearty soup out of old shoes and ketchup packets.

It's kind of fucking funny in a "I'm going to cry" kind of way that the dumb troll looks hungry and homeless, yet she's one of the lucky ones who gets to take advantage of all these sales. SALES! Seriously, the sales are pretty good. Yesterday, I watched two grouchy memaws fight over some fugly ass scarf because it was like 75% off or some shit. They were screaming for the cops! It was kind of hot. Even if you can't afford to buy shit, you should still go to department stores just to watch all the dumb whores fight over the dumbest shit. It's free entertainment.

The Olsen trolls left their post at the bridge today to sign copies of their pretentious book at Barnes & Nobles in NYC's Union Square today. The book weighs more than the both of them combined.

The little evil trolls were greeted by the bitches from Peta who dressed up for the occasion and stood in the rain. I know what I'm going to be for Halloween now....

I bet the Olsens would take "fur tramps" as a compliment. They probably smiled at Peta hos and said, "Aww. prune. Thank you. prune. That's sweet. prune."

Here's the Olsen trolls looking kind of clean (?) while signing the book of a really hot fan today.

You learn something new every fucking day. I grew up in California and never knew that El Pollo Loco delivered their deliciousness to waiting mouths. If I only knew.

The sneaky troll known as Mary Kate Olsen was headed back to her post at the bridge when her dumb bitch friend accidentally backed into the car of a gorgeous El Pollo Loco delivery lady. If any Tacos al Carbon or Pollo Bowls were injured in the accident, the cops need to throw the evil troll and her accomplice into the slammer. Just because that sneaky troll only eats children's hair and squirrel nails, doesn't mean she has to sabotage all of us from trying to get some Mexican goodness. I know what she was trying to do.

And again, El Pollo Loco delivers?!!! Do you they deliver to NYC? If so, they need to send that glamorous delivery lady. Love her. She should have slapped that troll in the teeth for fucking with her.