Trolls

David Archuleta's crazy stage daddy from hell, Jeff Archuleta, has reportedly been banned from rehearsals for "American Idol." TMZ claims that everyone including producers, contestants, the band and the vocal coaches have had it with him.

The straw that broke the Mormon's back came this past week when Jeff wanted to change the lyrics of David's first song "Stand By Me." Jeff wanted David to throw in a verse from Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls." The producers denied his crazy ass. Well, David sang it anyway. This created a major problem with the song's publisher and Idol had to pay up.

Lawyers told Jeff that he was banned from all rehearsal rooms. He can attend the live show, but can't go backstage. TMZ also claims Jeff was banned from "Star Search" a few years back when David was a contestant on that show.

No wonder the judges get all wet for David! Jeff probably threatened to flush all of Paula's happy pills down the toilet if she didn't proclaim that his son is the second coming. Paula has no choice!

Seriously, if David Archuleta doesn't win, his face is going to end up on a milk carton. I'm voting for David Cook. Well, I want to see Jeff Archuleta storm the stage and take everyone hostage. Those Mormons can get crazy!

Ryan Gaycrest already has a radio show, a TV job on E!, American Idol and now comes word that he may violate our TV screens even more. The Scoop reports that Gaycrest is in talks to replace Larry King later next year. CNN must really despise this country.

Gaycrest regularly fills in when Larry goes and gets his heart restarted. A sourcie said that Gaycrest is looking to make a serious change in his career, “He's so serious about his career, but like anyone, he wants it to evolve. Hosting ‘Larry King’ would be perfect for him." If he wants a serious change, might I suggest early retirement? I'm sure there's a deserted island somewhere with his name on it.

A spokeswhore for Gaycrest would not comment.

Don't you fret, this disaster will never take place. Larry King is never retiring, because he will live on forever. Zombies don't die.

Thanks Mike

Harrison Ford got loaded with Shrek semen at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards last night. That slime is probably what the inside of his catheter bag looks like. I'm yanking him! Harrison has still got it. I mean, he has the earring to prove it.

I actually sat and watched some of this shit. I only did it, because there were rumors that Brit Brit was going to perform. You know what happened the last time she performed, so I couldn't miss this possible mess fiesta. Not surprisingly, she didn't perform. It really hurts when people lie to you. Especially kids. Yes, I blame the kids.

So....here are some of the scallywags that came out for the children. Brendan Fraser's on-again-off-again fake hair needs to be turned off permanently. I'm starting to think it's actual grass grow on his head and he dyes it brown.

One day I really want to pour a glass of water all over the top of Asshole and Pete's heads. Those two would blow up just thinking about their perfectly straight hair possibly turning wavy. I don't think they could function if their hair was not straight.

Janet Jackson may be making the biggest mistake of her life by marrying Troll Dupri. Ok, that wouldn't be the biggest mistake of her life. The biggest mistake of her life was making "Poetic Justice." I take that back. Hearing Janet say "you wanna smell my punane" made the movie. Anyway, Page Six reports that Janet has been looking at bridal gowns. She recently hit up Badgley Mischka for samples.

A source said, "She's preparing for her private nuptials." Who the hell are these sources and why do they talk like dictionary robots?

This would be Janet's third wedding if it happens. Don't do it Janet! Don't marry the troll. Ok you can marry him, but only if you build the whole theme on him. A troll wedding! I want guests to sit on little toadstools, drink berry juice and dance a jig. The Olsens can be the flower trolls.

I am very proud of Hayden Panatroll. She's actually getting involved in something besides acting. This is a smart move. I see Hayden as the next Gary Coleman. She's going to grow up, but still look like a child actress. Creepy. You know, 3 feet tall with big hands and an old face. It's a good thing she's getting into activism, because her acting days are numbered.

Besides the whales, dolphins, sharks, mermaids and other sea creatures need her help. She's just the midget to help them.

Here's Hayden at a "Save the Whale" rally in DC.

Splashnewsonline.com

TMZ has a bunch of pictures of that midget, Hayden Panatroll, with that hot bitch Milo Ventimiglia at the movies this past weekend. They went to see "Atonement." She probably wanted to see "Alvin and the Chipmunks" instead. It looks like these two are a couple even though they have denied it in the past. Lie tellers!

I can handle the hand holding, but I pray I never have to see these two exchange spit or I'm going to lose my shit. Well, I already lost my shit this past weekend, but that was due to booze problems. My bowels can't take anymore.

Milo is dead to me! Not really, but hopefully he'll see the light. The light in my a-hole. I know I really need to get some.

Visit TMZ to see more of these two

Here's Lindsay attending the ceremony in Capri, Italy to receive her award for her for her contribution to the movie industry. Contribution to what? Her How-To book For Young Hollywood On Snorting Fat Rails Off Of Rehab Roommates Schlong?

Hayden Pantatroll looks like she's on her way to be Lindsay's narcotic snorting cronie troll in training.