Trolls

Bronson Pinchot (aka Balki from Perfect Strangers) must have been sipping on the finest wine cooler and toking on some serious shit during his interview with The Onion's A.V. Club, because he was feeling mighty comfortable. There was no leash on Bronson's mouth.

You just want to curl up besides him with your bong, and let him whisper about how Bette Midler was such a cunt to her director or how Mischa Barton explodes into a typhoon of tears when you make fun of her ass. Good shit. But the best part of the interview is the picture Bronson paints of the maniacal gay troll known as Tommy Girl.

Bronson worked with Tommy on Risky Business, and said that not only was he as boring as a broken vibrator, but he also made awkward and random homophobic comments all the time. Hmm...I wonder why.

Bronson said, "We thought Tom [Cruise] was the biggest bore on the face of the Earth. He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, 'You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?' I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, 'It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.' Very, very strange. Years and years later when people started to torment him with that, I used to think 'God, that’s really fitting, because he tormented a lot of people as a 20-year-old.' He made such a big deal about it. Same thing with Eddie Murphy—I remember somebody calling and saying, 'You’ll never guess who was just caught with a transvestite!' [Laughs.] And I remember thinking that seemed fitting, because there are certain people in showbiz who make it an agenda, every third sentence has to have something knocking that life choice, and you think, 'What are you doing?'"

GOLD COVERED GOLD! "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?" is the funniest thing that has ever come out of Tommy Girl's mouth! Homealien could headline the Queens of Comedy if he continued to say shit like that. But I'm sure Tommy Girl no longer makes such comments since the aliens cured him of his asshole's thirst for hard dick. Right.

And who does Bronson think is the most unpleasant human being on earth? No, it's not Tommy. Bronson said that working with Denzel Washington on Courage Under Fire was complete torture, "He’s one of the most unpleasant human beings I’ve ever met in my life, but he’s this mega-superstar. He was really abusive to me and everybody on that movie, and his official explanation was that his character didn’t like me, but it was a dreadful experience. I spent my salary on time with my shrink just for helping me get through it, and what that led to was the very next big movie that I did. I should have said to the producers, 'You get that guy in line, or I’m out of here.' Life’s too short."

Read the rest of the interview at The A.V. Club. Bronson should really put these stories into song and take this shit to Broadway.

This little clip of "Seth Green losing it on the set of a commercial" landed in my inbox, and even though it's probably faker than everything on Heidi Montag, it's still so cute! Seriously, I love it when little leprechauns throw adult-sized hissy fits. Maybe he'd be more menacing if he was standing on a phone book, but he isn't, so this shit is just precious.

Don't you just want to hug the angries right out of him? I bet if you squeeze him hard enough thousands of Lucky Charms (only the marshmallow ones) will shoot out of his tiny asshole. This should really be on Cute Overload.

This is even giving Christian Bale the "awwwws" in his heart.

Lil' Mama issued a statement through her favorite cashier at Western Union (because you know she doesn't have a publicist) about stage crashing Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' performance at the VMAs last night. Eye roll like you give an eff:

"I did not mean any disrespect towards Jay-Z or Alicia Keys. I admire them and look up to them as role models. 'Empire State of Mind' had my emotions running high. In that moment I came up onstage to celebrate my two icons singing about NY."

The thing is, I'm one of the only dumb bitches who actually cared and noticed this, so Lil' Mama issued this statement to let everybody know she was the fool on that stage. Most people figured either: a) Kanye West left his ego (who just happens to be a pre-op gremlin) on stage or b) Lady CaCa's hermie peen was on the loose again.

And Lil' Mama's excuse is that she was high on emotions? Is "emotions" the new street name for meth?

VIA EW.com

I love a good bitch fight, but this is not one. This is kind of sad. Just picture tiny Chris Kattan and little Jeremy Piven barking at each other backstage at Alexa Chung's MTV show. Gatecrasher reports that it all started when Chris rolled in on his Big Wheel, skipped up to Jeremy and said, "So, what are you here to promote, your Broadway play?" Of course, Chris was making fun of how Jeremy dropped out of a play, because he ate too much fish. Jeremy wasn't about to let Chris ZING him like that, so he put down his dolly and fired back, "Well, what are you here to promote? Mango?" BURN! Grab your lunchbox and take a seat, because it's about to be a TODDLER FIGHT!

The two went back and forth for a little bit, but shit got real when Jeremy delivered a low blow by making fun of Chris' "in the gutter" career. That's when Chris realized that Jeremy wasn't playing around, but that he was doing that shit for real. Chris called a time out and told Jeremy that he was just making harmless fish jokes. It wasn't not funny (copryright Tammy from The Real World: Los Angeles) to Jeremy. Before grabbing his dolly and going off to sulk in a corner, he shouted at Chris, "I'm getting sued for that shit! It's not funny!"

15 minutes later, Chris tried to say he was sorry about the whole thing, but Jeremy wouldn't listen and shut the door in his face! Jeremy's spokeswhore laughed off the whole thing and said he knew it was just jokes. But Chris' spokeswhore said something totally different: "Chris mistakenly asked Jeremy if he was there to promote his play and Piven fired back with 'What are you here to promote, Mango?' Chris tried to apologize."

Okay, okay. I take it back. This is a good bitch fight. It's also pretty fucking hilarious. It's like watching my chihuahua growl and snarl at his stuffed toy like he's really ferocious. It makes you go "awwww" in the heart. The same goes with Chris and Jeremy. If only they were wearing little elf costumes. Then it would really be cute. And I'm surprised this fight when on that long. It would be pretty easy to break it up. Someone over 5'7" just had to walk over pick them both up by the collars and then plop 'em back in the sandbox with their toys.

Here I was thinking it was going to be a glorious Friday (see Connie Mouralis post) and then I come across these two fartards. I had to share it (am I oversharing again?) with you so that we can all form a circle and jerk our tonsils together. Barf bukkake party!

At last night's G.I. Joe premiere, these two butt dingles somehow managed to get on the red carpet to show off Twit's cover of Playboy Magazine: Equine Edition. Who do they think they are carrying a magazine around like that? Phoebe Price?! Can I get a "BITCH PLEASE," because nobody can do it like she can.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is the fugliest fug cover I have ever seen. Anonymously send this cover to your enemies and they won't ever be the same again. It's pretty fitting that Heidi looks like a Wal-Mart-brand tampon fresh out of Spencer's shitty asshole.

Hayden Pantaloons arrived at a screening for her movie I Love You, Beth Cooper in NYC last night baby-less. When she left the screening, she suddenly had an adorable babeh friend in her arms. Now, this is the same movie where Hayden drops her towel and reveals her "baby beluga whale on internet-bought roids" body. You do the second grade math. That baby isn't sleeping, she straight-up blacked out when Hayden's half-nekkid body came on the big screen! When she woke up and realized a troll was carrying her ass, she probably passed out again! Babies are smart enough to realize that trolls eat their finger nails and hair for dinner.

My favorite morning drunky, Kathie Lee Gifford, was also there with her daughter Cassidy. I'm sure K-Lee passed out too in the middle of the movie, but you can blame Lady Chardonnay for that one.

When Phil Spector was stuffed into a prison cell to serve 19 years for killing Lana Clarkson, he left behind his 28-year-old (don't choke) wife of 3 years Rachelle. During the trial, Rachelle wasn't allowed to whore herself out to the media, but now that it's over she can barf words from her mouth all she wants! Rachelle's first stop was the Los Angeles Times. Even though Rachelle loves to show off the 9-carat diamond ring on her finger, she wants the world to know that she's not a gold miner. Nope, she married Phil for *love*. Gag me with a fucking crimping iron.

Rachelle said that if she was a gold digger, she wouldn't be visiting Phil in prison any chance she could and she also wouldn't be licking on his soggy worm dick as much as she used to. Rachelle said, "We had sex. We were doing it all the time." Maybe that would explain why Rachelle looks like a middle-aged truck stop pussy peddler who has had more troll crotch on her ass than a horse at the Kentucky Derby. Not to mention that her eyebrows also look like they've been traumatized by the whole experience.

Rachelle also went on to say that she's not just with Phil for his coin, because she can easily support herself if she needed, "I can weed whack. Rip out walls. Lay tile." Obviously, she can't weed whack for shit, because look at her husband's hair.

Proving that she's just as gross as her husband, Rachelle says that living in the house that Lana died in doesn't bother her. Rachelle and Phil even got married in the same foyer Lane's body was found. Rachelle even sits in the chair Lana bled to death in. It doesn't bother her.

But what does bother her is that her gnome of a husband has been locked in a tiny cell for 24 hours of the day. Rachelle moaned, "He's locked in a 5-by-9 cell, 23 1/2 hours a day. They treat people worse than animals. I want that known." And I want it known that you are not a certified member of the Gold Diggers Club, but I'm sure the Dumb Stupid Skank Bitch Whore Club will gladly accept you. Their club president, Paris Hilton, will be contacting you any day now.

Seriously, crying about a 5-by-9 cell? That's bigger than most NYC apartments!

Jermaine Dupri showed his love for Janet Jackson by getting a tattoo of her a few steps from his hairy pit area. This isn't confirmed, but I'm pretty sure that's Vadge's sascrotch is leasing space on Jermain's pit. I'd recognize that overgrown pussy bush anywhere! Somebody please put a maxi-pad over it!

I know you're thinking that the tattoo is a little big, but it really isn't if you think about it. I mean, Jermaine is the size of a Travelocity gnome, so that tattoo isn't bigger than your thumb. See, not that big.

Hopefully, Janet doesn't feel like she has to return the love token by getting his lil ogre face tattooed on her. That would be considered body abuse.

VIA the.LIFE Files

Hayden Pantytroll is 19, but she still looks like she should be goo-goo ga-ga-ing in a stroller with a bottle in one hand and a blanky in the other. The last thing she should be doing is talking about grown-up stuff like sex. But that's what she did the other night at a party.

Page Six says that Hayden was talking to a friend about David Duchovny's constant thirst for 'gina and she said, "Well, if I had to be addicted to something, it would be sex!"

It makes my taco pop!

Why did I suddenly get the image of a teacup Pit Bull playing with a dildo? That's not right. Ugh. If bitch needs to be addicted to something, it should be keeping her damn troll hole shut. Shoo shoo away and let the adults do the talking.

Image: Bauer Griffin

Small woodland countries and birds already stay away from Mary-Kate Olsen, because she's an evil little troll who has been known to pick at them with her claws and chew on their nails. But now you can add bats to the list of creatures who aren't flying near that bitch, because she has the face of the Prince of Darkness. Seriously, MK is one chewed-off-bat-head away from becoming a tiny Ozzy Osbourne.

Here's Ozzy Olsen riding through the East Village in NYC yesterday with her boyfriend, Duckie from Pretty In Pink (aka Nate Lowman).